Little Women
• Feb. 26, 2007 - Rethinking discipline, esp for highly emotional kids
I have been learning about discipline, lately, especially re. my over-emotional child. She is quite the drama queen, Miss Anne-of-Green-Gables herself. I haven't posted a lot lately, so I thought I'd share some of my musings here. (By way of background, this child also has ADHD, sensory integration problems, auditory processing difficulty, maybe Aspergers........... more initials than you can hold in your hand. )
I have learned that there is a big difference between a manipulative tantrum (if I act bad enough I can get you to do what I want or I'm mad that you aren't doing it my way) and an emotional outburst (I am
totally overwhelmed with what is going on around me, or inside me, and I cannot deal with it, therefore I am "tantruming" out of sheer frustration).
While I would see the former as disobedience, the latter is not. If I were on the floor on Wall Street, I would go bonkers. If I were also expected to perform quickly, buying and selling, having to hit just
the right time, I would be reduced to a crying mess, very quickly. If someone were standing over me with a "rod" of whatever type, disciplining me because I wasn't performing up to par, I would quickly
get angry. It would just be an impossible situation for me, and I would break down.
For some kids, every day, every sibling noise, every timed test, every expectation can become that day on Wall Street--too much noise, too much pressure, too much stimulation. At some point, it is unreasonable of ME to ask my daughter to be different. I think this can be what is meant by not exasperating our children, not asking more of them than they are capable of.
There is also the Biblical warning that a harsh answer stirs up wrath. When I am angry with my kids, they respond "Biblically" in a sense--they become angry back--especially my overemotional child. She senses that I'm mad, and can't deal with it. Then I focus on her not obeying, but really, the problem was that I expected too much, and was angry myself that she didn't produce.
A very good book that has helped me is called Heartfelt Discipline, by Clark and Sally Clarkson. They talk about breaking out of the "formula" mode, where we parent because someone said this is how it
should be done. (Really, most of these formulas go considerably beyond Biblical application.) Rather, they suggest in each situation, taking a step back and praying about it, seeking what GOD wants us to do. I'm not great at this yet, but I have found that it is making a difference. Most of the time, honestly, He says, "just give her a hug," and it is making a big difference. He might say something else to you. I was struck that I rarely have applied my faith to my parenting in this way, and it really is making a difference.
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• Mar. 2, 2007 - you know...
blessings,
traci :)