Little Women

• Feb. 26, 2007 - Rethinking discipline, esp for highly emotional kids

I have been learning about discipline, lately, especially re. my over-emotional child. She is quite the drama queen, Miss Anne-of-Green-Gables herself. I haven't posted a lot lately, so I thought I'd share some of my musings here. (By way of background, this child also has ADHD, sensory integration problems, auditory processing difficulty, maybe Aspergers........... more initials than you can hold in your hand. )

I have learned that there is a big difference between a manipulative tantrum (if I act bad enough I can get you to do what I want or I'm mad that you aren't doing it my way) and an emotional outburst (I am
totally overwhelmed with what is going on around me, or inside me, and I cannot deal with it, therefore I am "tantruming" out of sheer frustration).

While I would see the former as disobedience, the latter is not. If I were on the floor on Wall Street, I would go bonkers. If I were also expected to perform quickly, buying and selling, having to hit just
the right time, I would be reduced to a crying mess, very quickly. If someone were standing over me with a "rod" of whatever type, disciplining me because I wasn't performing up to par, I would quickly
get angry. It would just be an impossible situation for me, and I would break down.

For some kids, every day, every sibling noise, every timed test, every expectation can become that day on Wall Street--too much noise, too much pressure, too much stimulation. At some point, it is unreasonable of ME to ask my daughter to be different. I think this can be what is meant by not exasperating our children, not asking more of them than they are capable of.

There is also the Biblical warning that a harsh answer stirs up wrath. When I am angry with my kids, they respond "Biblically" in a sense--they become angry back--especially my overemotional child. She senses that I'm mad, and can't deal with it. Then I focus on her not obeying, but really, the problem was that I expected too much, and was angry myself that she didn't produce.

A very good book that has helped me is called Heartfelt Discipline, by Clark and Sally Clarkson. They talk about breaking out of the "formula" mode, where we parent because someone said this is how it
should be done. (Really, most of these formulas go considerably beyond Biblical application.) Rather, they suggest in each situation, taking a step back and praying about it, seeking what GOD wants us to do. I'm not great at this yet, but I have found that it is making a difference. Most of the time, honestly, He says, "just give her a hug," and it is making a big difference. He might say something else to you. I was struck that I rarely have applied my faith to my parenting in this way, and it really is making a difference.

• Mar. 2, 2007 - you know...

Posted by mamatc

there's a lot to be said for breaking out of the parenting mold. it's hard, but so worth it. when we ask the Lord to show us how to handle a situation, we will be so much more successful as parents. keep up the good work! i'm with you, parenting God's way!

blessings,
traci :)

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• Mar. 6, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Mommy2fourCs

I really enjoyed reading your thoughts and I have to say I agree with you. I hear a lot from my mother that if I would spank my children more they would be better behaved. But sometimes it goes so, so much deeper than that. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I will have to add the Clarkson's book to my list.
Dixie

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• Mar. 12, 2007 - Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Posted by Sweetlee

I have Heartfelt Discipline and should read it again! I came to your blog while searching for TOG scheduling. Are you still using it? :)
Lee
http://web.mac.com/laander/

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• Mar. 13, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by My4LittleWomen

I don't know if you mean am I still doing TOG. We aren't doing it right now, as my kids love Narnia, and they are just the right age to do Further Up and Further In (a unit study based on Narnia). We may well come back to TOG in a year or two. I did really like it.

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• Mar. 26, 2007 - great post

Posted by destinywoman

Thank you for this post. It has helped me to re-evaluate my 'disciplining' or rather WHEN I discipline. I'm interested in the book you mentioned by Clay & Sally Clarkson as well. I have their book 'Educating the wholehearted child' but not the one you mentioned. I may look into getting it. It sounds good!

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• Apr. 2, 2009 - Godly Discipline

Posted by Anonymous

Thank you for your thoughtful post. I just found your blog while doing curriculum research and am enjoying your insights and am feeling very encouraged.

I know this post is old, but I wanted to share something that I have been doing for the last year or so, and that is praying that God will give me wisdom just as he promises in James. When I do this, He has been faithful. Usually this prayer is prayed during the situation and when I look back, I know in each situation He has given me insight and wisdom that are not of me.

I look forward to reading more of your blog.

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