I am a 32 year old mother of 3 of the sweetest little boys on earth and the most beautiful little girl in the world. My oldest is Isaac. He is six years old. Then there is Tommy Jr. He's five. Jacob is two. Our youngest is child and only daughter is Samantha. She was born on July tenth 2009. I am also the blissfully happy wife of Tommy Sr., who, I have no doubt, God had in mind when He was making me. We are truly two halves of a whole.
I've never been one to keep up with the latest anything and kind of stay wrapped up in my own little part of the very big world. That being the case, This is my first blogging experience. So, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually. Hopefully I'll make a few new friends and learn a few things in the process!
Anyone who has ever studied what the Bible says about marriage will be familiar with Genesis 2:24, which describes God's plan for the relationship between a husband and wife. The King James Version reads: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
Because it's so familiar, we often miss a very interesting word in the verse: cleave. That word is not exactly a normal word in our language; it means "to pursue with all of your energy."
It's when you start to take each other for granted, though, that some couples begin to fall out of love.
It literally means that you have to work. The formula is very simple: marriage is work, and it only works when we continuously work at it.
But unfortunately, we do it backwards. Our tendency is to only work at a relationship at the beginning. Once we know we have "won" the person's affection, we typically get lazy.
I remember when Karen and I first started dating. I was sixteen years old, and our first date, believe it or not, was a Three Dog Night concert. When I picked her up that night I was at my absolute best: I'd washed my car, I was wearing my nicest clothes, and was on my best behavior. She was impressed. But two years later--after we'd been together all that time--I wasn't giving a second thought to my car, my appearance, or my behavior. Why? Because she was already mine.
You fall in love because you work at it; and all couples work at it in the beginning. It's when you start to take each other for granted, though, that some couples begin to fall out of love.
We eventually stop working at our relationships. Or maybe we work on a few big events throughout the year--Valentine's Day, a birthday, an anniversary--and we hope that the dividends of our work will sustain us for the rest of the year.
But it doesn't last. Love is the most perishable commodity on Earth, and unless you care for it every day, it can spoil. When God provided manna for the children of Israel, He commanded them to gather it fresh every morning. They couldn't store it because it would rot overnight. Why did He do this? To increase His children's dependence on Him and to demonstrate just how faithful He is.
Marital love works the same way: it is only as strong as it is today. A marriage requires daily work and daily interaction. Many married people--especially husbands--look at marriage according to a point system: if we go shopping with her, we earn a point. Watching a romantic movie earns a point. Buying jewelry earns a lot of points.
While this may be an acceptable way to think about meeting each other's needs, we need to remember that the points are like Cinderella's coach; they disappear at midnight. The next day, we start over. Marriage is daily work, just like God said at the very beginning.
In Revelation 2:4, Jesus tells the church at Ephesus that they have forsaken their first love. He tells them to repent and return to the things that they were doing before.
Many married people--whether they're struggling in marriage or are simply getting by--have forsaken the things they first did to impress their spouse. What if you returned to your first love? What if you worked hard again at that relationship?
I love this statement: "The best person does the right thing first." Much of the destructive tit-for-tat fighting in marriages is the result of a standoff between the husband and wife. Both are doing the wrong thing -- justifying the fighting by pointing a finger at the wrong their spouse is doing.
In most cases, each party believes his or her position to be the right and noble position. With jaws set and minds made up, each person is waiting for the other to do the right thing and change. The problem is that both spouses have this same attitude. Thus, the proverbial "irresistible force" meets the "immovable object," and another marriage bites the dust.
That premise brings to mind a song titled "Husbands and Wives" from my childhood sung by Roger Miller:
"Two broken hearts, lonely, looking like houses where nobody lives, Two people, each having so much pride inside, neither side forgives.
The angry words spoken in haste, such a waste of two lives. It's my belief pride is the chief cause of the decline in the number of husbands and wives."
Those words tell a story that is sadly true and common. Pride destroys marriages. Let me repeat my opening statement: "The best person does the right thing first." Humility is the mark of the best person. Rather than justifying wrongdoing and responding to immaturity with immaturity, a humble person responds with a different spirit and a higher standard.
In all my years of marriage counseling, I have seen countless scenarios in which two prideful and stubborn people were at a standoff, each waiting for the other person to flinch. Many of these situations didn't end well. My favorite stories, however, are those in which a humble person stepped forward and was willing to be the redeemer of the tough situation. While even those scenarios don't turn out well 100 percent of the time, the percentage that do is certainly very high.
Will you be the best person? Will you take responsibility to do the right thing even when your spouse doesn't? If so, God can use your humility and godly character as a conduit to infuse His love and power into your marriage!
For the first fifteen years of our marriage, money was the most difficult subject for us to discuss. To make matters worse, we had to discuss it almost every day. That is the problem with money in marriage. When you are having problems in that area, it is a continual issue that grates on your nerves and challenges the goodwill of the relationship.
The good news with us is that we completely resolved our issues and differences concerning money. Today, money is a blessing and we can talk about it without any problem. Let me tell you two things we did that helped us in this area:
1. We submitted our finances to the Lord. Before making decisions, we pray. We don't try to dominate each other or "win" arguments over money. We both realize that if we pray and find God's will, He will bless us and we won't fight.
Another feature of submitting our finances is giving. We give ten percent of everything we make to our local church. In addition to that we give to our church building fund and other ministries including MarriageToday.
Our commitment to pray and give has transformed our relationship and our finances. God has shown us His will hundreds of times for purchases, provision and decisions. The fruit of our financial partnership with each other and God has been incredible. Also, the results of giving have been awesome. It has changed our lives.
2. We began to honor each others different money language — In the bad days of our marriage I would call Karen a tight-wad when we fought about money and she would call me a spend-thrift. We see money so differently and it caused us to argue and accuse each other. Money eventually became a radio-active issue in our marriage that we couldn't discuss without hurting each other.
Then one day I read an article by a financial psychologist named Kenneth Doyle. He was talking about the four different money languages people have. All of us see money in different ways. It Is not't bad or good, it's just real. Also, if we are different than our spouse, it can actually help us make better money decisions because we both bring a different perspective to the table. The issue is respect for each other and realizing that our differences are genuine and genetic.
The four money languages are:
Driver - Money means success. A driver says I love you by buying and showing you through material objectsyou are important to them. Obviously, taken too far this can become materialistic and non-relational.
Analytic - Money means security. It solves problems and wards off chaos. Analytics say I love you through saving and planning for the future. Taken too far they can become misery, no fun and controlling. They can also communicate more value for money than people.
Amiable - Money means love. Having money means the ability to share with those you care about. An amiable says I love you by sharing and giving. Without balance and wisdom, an amiable can be impulsive and unprepared for the future.
Expressive - Money means acceptance. It means being able to be socialize with desirable people and be accepted into the right groups. Expressive's say I love you by buying, showing and sharing. Taken too far, expressive's use money the way some people use alcohol — to deal with pain and anxiety in a wrong manner.
When I tell about these four languages in marriage seminars almost everyone present can identify theirs and their spouses money languages immediately. Approximately eight percent of all couples have different money languages. Knowing your money languages can help you to understand and respect each other. You begin to realize the strengths and weaknesses you both have.
Submit your finances to God and respect each others money language. It will help you turn your financial problems into a dynamic partnership.
One of the sobering statistics of failed marriages is how many are ruined by money problems. According to some studies, finances are the number one reason people list as to why they are divorcing. Besides divorce, money problems can seriously hinder intimacy and goodwill between spouses who remain married.
Even though there are many reasons people have money problems, much of the tension in our society is caused by materialism, greed and what the Bible calls “the love of money.” Concerning this issue and how it affects believers, here is what the Apostle Paul wrote to Timothy as an admonition and warning:
Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
1 Timothy 6:6-10
Paul begins by talking about the issue of contentment. It is the opposite of greed. A spirit of contentment is crucial in financial success because it is able to wait for things. Also, as it waits, it is thankful to God for what He has already provided. Contentment does not mean I don’t want more. It just means that as I pray and believe God for more, I trust Him for His provision as I thank Him for all He has done in the past.
Without contentment, we are driven to get more and many times take for granted what God has done. Even worse, discontentment is often unthankful and negative about present circumstances. That is offensive to God and is an attitude He won’t bless. Even though He always loves us, He is like any good parent. He rewards thankfulness and obedience and won’t reward bad attitudes and rebellion.
The fruit of discontentment is debt, division in your marriage and being deceived into believing that money and material objects will fulfill you. The worst result of discontentment is the loss of intimacy with God. Because we are not thankful and dependent upon Him, money becomes our god and replaces the Lord as the object of our attention, affection and trust.
Paul also warned Timothy that people who desire to be rich fall into temptations and snares that lead to destruction. We need to realize that God wants to bless us financially. Wealth is a blessing from God. The issue is not that God does not want us to be rich. The issue is that money should not be the chief goal of our lives and the love of money should not overshadow our love for God.
The number one desire of our lives should be to please God and obey His will for us. Even though this is true, we must also acknowledge that most people today don’t live primarily for that purpose. Most people love money more than God. Even though they may give lip service to God, their lives reveal the truth.
Money is important in life and in marriage. God wants to bless you and give you your heart's desires. He is a good God. However, the way God blesses us is as we thank Him daily for what He has done with a spirit of contentment. We unashamedly pray and plan for more, but are willing to wait until He guides and provides. This is the secret of a financially blessed marriage.
Also, the goal of our marriage is to please God and obey Him. Never do we allow the love of money to infect our hearts and replace our love for God. We must reject the lie that possessions will make us happy. Only God can truly make us happy.
I challenge you to thank God every day for giving you food, covering and the basics of life. I also challenge you to pray together about your financial needs, desires and dreams. It will transform your marriage and your relationship with God.
