My husband died exactly one year ago today. Aug 12, 2006.

I can't believe that my children and I have made it through the past 12 months. We are all still walking around with that "deer in the headlights" look on our faces. It's like, we are still in a state of shock. Total disbelief. Who knew we would be doing this 13 months ago?? None of had a clue as to how hard life could get so quickly.  I've been listening to the song "Who Knew" by Pink.  It says just what I'm feeling!

We didn't do anything at all today to commemorate the day. We discussed it earlier in the week. None of us wanted to visit the grave site. I thought of us maybe going to the beach, but the dc wanted to stay home, so I was fine with that. Actually, I slept a good bit this morning. I was up in the night watching late movies... such a big time waster, but at least it kept me from thinking.

The kids got into the pool for a little while today and then played on the Playstation. Then they watched cartoons. It was a boring, typical day for us. I think that was good, in a way. No big scenes, no tantrums, no arguments.. nothing like that at all. Just a plain "do nothing" day.

I have found a web site for young widows. It helps to read that I'm not the only one left with a house to manage and children to raise.. I'm not the only one trying to figure out how to jumpstart a truck that has been left behind by it's owner... I'm not the only one learning how often the lawn needs mowing.. (didn't I cut that just last week?? and now it's already knee high?? sigh) 

A few months ago, I needed to buy gas for the lawn mower. So, I thought I was big-stuff taking the gas can to the filling station. I whipped it out of the car and plopped it down next to the pump.. huh... who needs dh?? I can do this. No big deal. Then I tried to open the gas can.. and I couldn't unscrew the lid. It was put on too tight. I tried and tried and it would not budge! My 12 y/o ds was with me. He tried to open it, but it was held fast. I got so frustrated... I wanted to cry and scream and throw a fit!!  My ds suggested I ask one of the men there that was pumping their own gas to help, but I was so frazzled that I didn't trust my voice to ask them.. afraid I would break down crying right in front of them because I couldn't get the lid off the gas can.

I just put the gas can back into the car, and ds and I left. I was very upset and I told ds "Please,, when you get married... don't EVER tighten stuff on so tightly!! Please think of your poor wife trying to open things that you've put on too tight."  (oh, my poor ds!! lol)

At first, in the first few months after Mark died, a friend of mine told me that I needed to grieve. It was the same exact thing another lady had told me after my dad died. I really had no idea what they were talking about.. I mean.. I WAS grieving, wasn't I?  Well. No.  I wasn't. I was SURVIVING.

A few nights ago, I began to reflect on what this day would mean. Aug 12. The memories, the pain, the funeral that I was too dumbstruck to comprehend. And that night, I just began to cry. I couldn't stop. I cried until about 4 am or so. I felt like a fountian, just spewing water all over the place. That's when I realized what those ladies meant. I hadn't had that happen to me before then. I guess I was too busy just coping with each day. I think I've learned all kinds of interesting stuff in this past year, maybe now I can learn to grieve, too. 

I've been ok today. I received several phone calls and emails from family and friends. Each of them wanting to let me know that they were thinking of us and offering words of support. I had several people ask about coming over and spending the day with us, but I gently turned them down. I didn't want a housefull of visitors today. A year ago everything was so hectic and busy.. the type of business one needs in a time of tragedy to help buffer the reality of what has happened. But now, I thought we would need the time of peace and quiet to reflect on our loss. Time to cry with each other, or to just sit quietly and think by ourselves.

I am very blessed to have those who love me nearby. Not everyone has that. The Lord has given my children and I a whole year of being coddled by our loved ones. I'm thankful for that. What would we have done without the goodness of our Savoir, Jesus?  What would we do without Him even now??  Our journey isn't over. We will never have Mark back, but with each passing day, God is showing us that we can continue on the path He has given us, even though that path no longer includes our husband and dad.

Until next time,

Nancy

I don't like this time of the day.. it's getting dark. The dc are going to bed and then it will be just me.

It is hard to ignore the fact that dh is gone when it is just me.

The house is guiet and I have nothing to do but think about what has happened in the past 11 months.

I can't believe that it has been almost a whole year since dh died. It seems like only yesterday in some ways, but it also seems like a lifetime ago in other ways.

This is the type of thing that no one tells you about, that there is no preperation for.. nothing any one can do for you at all. It is something that you have to live through. Talk about tough on-the-job training!

One thing that I miss is the conversation. I could tell dh anything. He didn't always talk back, but that was just his way. He didn't have a lot to say usually. I couldn't ask his opinion about anything because his usual answer was "whatever you think."  But I could talk to him and get some of the days worries or good points 'out there'.

I would tell him what funny thing the dc did that day, or something cute one of them said.. they're at that age now, where they have the adult vocabulary but don't always know what the words mean, so when they say something out of context, it can be very amusing! (LIke when my ds said that this girl had a "mental disorder" because she was short for her age.)

Who do I tell these things to now?

He used to call at the same exact time every single day. It got on my nerves at times... lol.. I'd ask him.. why don't you call at 12:15 instead of 12:20? I mean, if the phone rang at 12:20 it was him.. I didn't even have to have caller ID, because I knew just by looking the clock that it was him. IHe never deviated from his own set time. Why he picked that time? I don't know.. maybe it was just before his lunch break.. maybe he was at lunch and had just finished eating... I don't know. Whatever his daily routine was, 12:20 was plugged into his internal mechanism and it said "time to call home".

Another thing he liked to do was tape the Nas car races and we'd watch it together after the dc went to bed on Sundays. I discovered that this was the best way to watch a 5 hour race.. because if we fast-forwarded through the commercials, it would only last about 3 1/2 hours. Some nights, he would fall asleep while watching it, and after 20 or 30 laps, he'd wake up and ask who was winning, who wrecked, etc. I can't recal how many times after he fell asleep, I'd fast-forward through about a hundred laps without him being the wiser! He's wake up and say.. I just nodded off for a minute, I didn't realize I was alseep that long...  He never did catch on to what I was doing. Yeah, not the best thing for me to do, I know.. but let's face it.. those races can get rather boring after a while!

We had plans to go to Hilton Head Island, SC for a long weekend. He had 2 free nights (from points) saved up and we were going to have an early 15th anniversary weekend without the dc. We had some marriage issues that we had been seeing a Christian marriage counciler about, and we were looking forward to a few days away to sit in the sun and relax and discuss the sessions we'd been having. Unfortanately he died before we could go. 

I do wonder at times why this has happened. I don't question God at all. I know that we are in His hands and under His care. I know my dh was a Christian and he is in heaven. But I do wonder what God thought of ME.. that He would allow this to happen to me and also to our dc. Why take away their daddy? So I do think of that and wonder about His plans for us, what lessons He wants us to get from this and also what kind of people He wants us to grow to be because of this.

I know we are not unique. There are many families out there that are dealing with incredible loss. Some way more profound than ours. Some way more crushing than ours.. but that still doesn't take away OUR pain, OUR loss. 

SO, I will close this one for tonight and go find something to do now that the dc are in bed for the night.

Until next time,

Nancy

I sure wish I could figure out how to post a picture on here, but to be honest.. It took me 30 minutes just to get onto my blog site and check my comments. This blog site changed formats or something and now I really struggle to get onto my own blog..  :-/

So. onto the bathroom "while you were out". My sister went to work at 6am. My mom and I and my 3 dc got to her house around 9. We began taking everything out of the bathroom and storing it in her bedroom for the time being.

My mom got her tools out and began removing all the hardware (this is something I didn't think of!) As she did that I began to tape up all the edges with painters tape.

This took about an hour to do. There was no need for a primer coat so we began painting right away.  The only problem was we could not reach the ceiling and there was no ladder. My mom then drove to my house to retrieve her ladder and also to bring us lunch. When she got back, the dc and I had nearly the entire first coat of paint finished.. except near the ceiling, of course. By now, though, we were running really low on paint and we were worried that we would run out. The last thing I wanted to do was go by more paint to use only a few paintbrushes full to finish! We scraped every last bit of paint to cover the rest of the room... thanking  the Lord that there was just enough to do the job.

Once we got it all painted, we ate lunch while the paint dried. Then it was time to "rag on" the top coat of paint. The colors were a light beige base coat and a darker beige "ragged on" coat. It began to look nice right away! The colors looked very good together and had an Africa savannah look to it.

Of course, there was more drying time... so we all got something to drink and waited. Once it was all dry we got to do the fun stuff... eg... put the hardware back up and remove all that painters tape.. ugh.

Then we began to hang the new towels and new artwork, put her shower curtian back up, etc.  The towels were beige and brown.  Also we bought some blue ones as an accent color.

 The artwork was something I had painted earlier using blue, black, grey, and the two beige colors. It was an abstract of squares and rectangles.  Also, another painting was her name in Chinese done by an authenic Chinese calligrapher,, I took that and made a blue trim around it and put it into a dark blue frame. 

My mom had sewn ahead of time a curtian for the window. I have found the material by accident one day and the colors were perfect.. blue with slight lines of beige running through it.

It really looked fanastic!  

Then we had to wait for my sister to get home from work.. only she didn't tell me that when she got off of work, she was going by the tanning bed..... so we waited and waited.. lol!  Finally she called and said she was on her way and was really wondering why we were all at her house. (I had made up a slight story about having to get some tax papers from town and the tax office is right down from her house....   which I DID need to get the papers.. only I wasn't getting them on THAT day.. )

When she came home, I hid in the bathroom behind the shower curtian and then I called her to come to the bathroom.. Now, she was wondering "why does she need me in the bathroom?"  but she came in there and saw what we had done. She was SO surprised. She loved it and kept staring at everything!!

I got several nice pictures of her.

I sure want to post the pictures. I have them downloaded.. now I need to know how to put them on here!

until next time, (If I can figure out how to get back!)

Nancy

Are you looking for something fun to do? I've come up with one solution.. IF you have the time and energy.

My sister recently moved into her own place. This is the first place she's ever owned. Usually she will rent an apartment or live with friends, but now she is a bonafide home owner and is very excited.

The only problem is the decor in her place is NOT her style. The carpet is green and the wallpaper is flowerdy.. not a pretty flower pattern either. :-/

Now, we can't afford to redecorate her whole place for her, and really a lot of it she will have to do on her own because different people have different tastes and opinions. But there is one area that we can help her:  the master bathroom.

My mom and I decided that we could redecorate her bathroom for her. We've been planning it for about a month.  My sister like elephants and she has a small collection of them, so we decided to do her bathroom in a jungle type theme with elephants.

It has been really fun planning this without my sister knowing. I've sworn my dc to secrecy, lol!

We've picked out the paint (after a looong discussion of which would be better, grey or biege.)  We went to a home supply store and they had a lovely rag-on design with biege and brown. It was perfect, so we bought the paint for that.

Later I found the perfect fabric for the window treatment, and we found a very nice painting at another store, but they wanted so much money for it that we didn't buy it.

Instead, I am painting one myself that is similar to it, while my mom sews the curtians. 

We also bought some new towels and washclothes to replace her old ones.

We plan to redo her entire bathroom on Sunday while she is at work. She works a 10 hour shift so that should give us time if we work really fast.

I will let you know how it turns out. I'm excited about it! I hope it all goes well and she loves what we do.

wish us luck!  :-D

Well. this has been interesting.

Over the past week I noticed how terrible my yard is looking. Now, my dh always kept the yard looking good. The lawn mowed, the weeds "eaten", the leaves raked, rose bushes trimmed.. you know, all that stuff that makes a huge difference between a trashy yard and a nice manicured yard.

When I noticed how  the lawn was in need of maintanance, I felt badly knowing that my dh would have NEVER let it look like that when he was alive.  And, me being me, I decided to make things right. Without help.. without a clue as to what I getting myself into!

So, here is a list of things I have learned over the weekend:

While the kids go-kart does NOT like it's gas mixed with oil,  the weed-eater DOES. It is important to keep these two facts straight and also to keep the mixed gas in a seperate, properly labeled gas can.

The riding lawnmower does NOT come with power steering.

Do NOT wear cheap thin gloves when trimming rose bushes. You know those expensive thick leather gloves that your dh wants?? and you balk at dishing out the bucks to buy them because you know there are gloves that cost a third that amount??? Well... buy them!! (TRUST me on this one, he NEEDS them no matter what the price)

I've learned that on all those Saturdays when dh was outside most of the day, and when he finally came in and I would ask him what was he doing out there so long, and he would answer "working"... well.. he really WAS.

I've learned that the "OFF" setting on a spreader really means  "Open valve and let all the pesticide pour out onto the ground"  (groan!)

I've learned that raking leaves is a full body workout. Forget going to the gym. Just get a rake, a GOOD pair of gloves and a wheel-barrel, and get to work. You'll be burning off those abs in no time.

Oh... I've learned that wheel-barrels are HEAVY!!  (and I mean when they are empty...  @@)

Weedeaters are a pain in the neck but worth it.. as long as you don't get too close to anything you want to keep growing. I've learned that this is one thing that takes practice before getting around those rose bushes.. unless you WANT to cut them all down to ground level.....  :-/

I've learned that there are muscles in my body that I had no idea even existed. I learned this because they are all sore!

There are lessons that I still need to learn.. like how to change the string-thingy in the weed-eater..  But for now,  the yard is looking pretty nice and I am going to take a few days to recover. Maybe it will rain this weekend  so I can go to the mall.  ;-)

A lot of people who see me out in public have this look in their eyes. It's not of pity, I don't think, but of deep sadness for us. We live in a small town where most people know us, knew my dh. They know what we are dealing with, so they feel for us. They don't know what to say.. I mean.. you can only say (or hear!) "I'm sorry" so many times.. yk? Everyone means well and they also know that there is nothing they can do really. It just a matter of time for us to heal our broken hearts. Their hearts are breaking, too! I know how many friends my dh had... so I feel for them as well as ourselves.

It was strange at first to go to the grocery store... I would be thinking "what am I doing here?? my dh has died and here I am buying groceries like a normal person!"  It would feel insane to be doing normal things when our lives had turned upside down. BUT, how are we going to eat if I don't buy food? What to do when my dd needs socks? or a new sweater?  I remember going to get a new tag for my car.. I could NOT go into that tag office. I sat in the car with my 3 dc. They asked if I was going in... finally I said, "No, I'm not doing this today." and I drove home.

 Another day I went to Wally world to pick up a few things... I walked around that store.. lost track of the MONTH.. (not the day.. or the time... mind you, the MONTH!) I was thinking that it was February and a few days away from Valentines day... and thinking to myself.. how did I lose track of time like this? I was actually looking at the candy trying to decide what to get my dc whan it hit me.. It's JANUARY.  I felt like a fool. I wondered what I was even doing out in public alone... when I could lose track of things this easily?  But you know.. that's how it is. Sometimes after a huge shock, you DO lose your  mind for a while. It's like you can't take on ONE more thing. Period. I left the store that day and drove home.. when I got there my mom asked if I got the items I went after and I told her no, I just couldn't do it. So, later that day, she went to the store. (God bless her!! No wonder she is afraid to leave me by myself.. she knows I'm one step away from the loony farm)

Sooo, you can imagine my frame of mind when my dh's (would have been 44th) birthday came up. I almost did not tell my dc about it... I figured that it would just stir up things that we are all trying so hard to deal with as it is. However, my dc are no dummy's. They knew that his bd was coming up soon because it is just before my twin ds's birthday. We couldn't "celebrate" so to speak, but we could at least acknowledge that this day was different from other days, to US anyway. 

We discussed what to do. Finally hit on a plan for the day. Here's what we did. We drove into the city for dinner. We went to dh's favorite resturant and ate.. we ordered whatever we wanted and then ordered dessert as well... it was one of those HUGE chocolate brownie ice cream concoctions.. the waiter brought us 4 spoons and we shared it, even though we were full from all the food.   Then we drove to the mall and I payed for the 3 of them to play in one of the indoor playground areas that they always beg to play in, but we never had the time to let them. They climbed in and out of the tubes, they squealed and giggled and chased each other.. they really had a blast. (I sat in the chair watching them and wondering why on earth did I eat so much?? lol

Then we went to Targets and used one of the gift cards that we recieved from our church family. I let the dc pick out something they wanted...  not really going overboard, but within a set spending limit.  Then we went to the new, big, craft outlet store and just looked and looked. (We love craft stores!!)

We then went to a Christian bookstore and they each bought a small reading light for their rooms, and I found myself a few books that I had been wanting. oh,, they each got a book mark as well.

It sounds like we went this huge spending spree, but really, we didn't. We shared steaks at the resturant, and shared dessert, the reading lights were only a few dollars apiece... the gift card was given to us to spend on whatever we wanted, and I decided let the dc enjoy it instead of me saying "we are buying the things we NEED, not what we want.."  like I always say.   You'll notice I didn't mention the books I bought.. ahem.... let's just forget those...  eg

It was such a good time for us to be together. I think we are going to make this a new tradition for us. Each year on January 19th.. we are going to have "our day" and do something fun together.  I think it will help have something to look forward to right after the holidays.. and let me tell you.. those are some tough times to get through! Everything is a reminder of dh being gone. It's difficult to try to fill up this space that is empty.. there was so many things that he did every year.. and the dc would ask me things like  "who's going to put up the tree now?? Daddy used to do it."   My mom asked me about carving the turkey... because my dh did it every year. 

After all the holiday hooplah and heartache and whatever, we can go and do something on this day that means nothing to the outside world, and IF anyone asks my dc what they did on their dad's  birthday, instead of looking sad,  they will have something exciting to share. If nothing else.. they will have good memories of it  when they are grown and have dc of their own. 

The real question is: Who ISN"T in the house??  lol!  My mom and my sister are living with me, and also now my sister's roomate is staying here while they wait for electricity to be turned on in their new place. My sister will be moving this week coming up, but in the meantime, I have my 3 dc here, my sister sleeping on the sofa, her friend sleeping on the recliner, and my mom sharing the kingsized bed with me in my room.

Talk about a full house!  Also, with my dog, my sisters dog, and my moms dog and her 2 cats, all inside.. well.. lets just say that there's never a dull moment around here.

At least it is quiet now. Of course, it IS nearly 11pm. But quiet is wonderful especially late at night.

I finally am taking the time to blog. I haven't been on here in a while and really am afraid to look back to see how long it really has been. A lot seems to be going on at all times. I am trying to force myself to take some "ME" time. I've began a Quiet Time with a devotional for solo moms. I've also started an exercise routine, which right now is walking at the park, but I want to also start doing arobics twice a week.

I have met an old friend for lunch twice in the past month. That has been great for me. I tend to be a 'home-body' and not go out much, so to get out and have an adult conversation has been good for my moral.

Also, we have found a nice park nearby our house and I've taken the dc there a few times for us to walk around the lake and enjoy the fresh air, exercise and sunshine. (This is where I walk for my exercise, the path around the lake is a little over a mile long.)

I had another friend call me last night, just out of the blue. She knew that my late dh's birthday was a few days ago, so she decided to call me and cheer me up. It worked! We talked and giggled like school girls for almost an hour. Then she invited me and my dc to come over to her house in 2 weeks to cook out and also fish in her pond!  I'm really looking forward to that. She has 2 boys that are near my dc's ages. She doesn't homeschool, but that is her only fault.  (EG)  Seriously, I've known both of these ladies, (the lunch friend and this one) for nearly 20 years. (boy that makes me sound old!)

I love them both dearly and it is sad that we let time take us away from one another.. but when we all got married and moved to seperate places in our lives, we just lost touch. When my dh died, though, they were both there for me and continue to be "there".. so, it has been a bittersweet reunion of sorts.

I do know one thing, they both love me like a sister and care very much about me and my dc.

As for school, we DID begin to do school work again after Thanksgiving. My dc balked at it, though, because they had it pretty easy for a few months while mom (me) was in deep mourning.

Now, they "do school" and keep on schedule. We even "school" through holidays and on some Saturdays to catch up the lost time. I'm still praying about next year. Should I put them in school and go back to college myself?? Do I continue with the homeschooling, which is my hearts desire?

I don't know the answers yet. I am just getting through one day at a time, really, which is all I can do. That is all the Lord calls us to do anyways, right? We can't take on troubles of tomorrow for today has enough for us to deal with. (right now, my immediate trouble is getting my 10y/o dd to bed! lol)

My boys are learning about the 'systems' of the body in science, this is a subject that they both are enjoying. We went to library and checked out books on the digestive system, circulatory system and resporatory system. I love this type of learning. They get some of what they need from the text book, but then go off on their own with their own studying of the subject.

My dd is learning her times tables in math. I am thinking of making her a game out of index cards to help her memorize them. I did this with my ds's and they liked to play with them because then it wasn't really work, but a game and they were learning at the same time.

Of course, there is so much more going on, but I'm not going to bore you with all the details of it all. Life is continuing for us after all, even when it felt like it was falling apart all around us there for a while.

Until next time,

Nancy