A lot of people who see me out in public have this look in their eyes. It's not of pity, I don't think, but of deep sadness for us. We live in a small town where most people know us, knew my dh. They know what we are dealing with, so they feel for us. They don't know what to say.. I mean.. you can only say (or hear!) "I'm sorry" so many times.. yk? Everyone means well and they also know that there is nothing they can do really. It just a matter of time for us to heal our broken hearts. Their hearts are breaking, too! I know how many friends my dh had... so I feel for them as well as ourselves.

It was strange at first to go to the grocery store... I would be thinking "what am I doing here?? my dh has died and here I am buying groceries like a normal person!"  It would feel insane to be doing normal things when our lives had turned upside down. BUT, how are we going to eat if I don't buy food? What to do when my dd needs socks? or a new sweater?  I remember going to get a new tag for my car.. I could NOT go into that tag office. I sat in the car with my 3 dc. They asked if I was going in... finally I said, "No, I'm not doing this today." and I drove home.

 Another day I went to Wally world to pick up a few things... I walked around that store.. lost track of the MONTH.. (not the day.. or the time... mind you, the MONTH!) I was thinking that it was February and a few days away from Valentines day... and thinking to myself.. how did I lose track of time like this? I was actually looking at the candy trying to decide what to get my dc whan it hit me.. It's JANUARY.  I felt like a fool. I wondered what I was even doing out in public alone... when I could lose track of things this easily?  But you know.. that's how it is. Sometimes after a huge shock, you DO lose your  mind for a while. It's like you can't take on ONE more thing. Period. I left the store that day and drove home.. when I got there my mom asked if I got the items I went after and I told her no, I just couldn't do it. So, later that day, she went to the store. (God bless her!! No wonder she is afraid to leave me by myself.. she knows I'm one step away from the loony farm)

Sooo, you can imagine my frame of mind when my dh's (would have been 44th) birthday came up. I almost did not tell my dc about it... I figured that it would just stir up things that we are all trying so hard to deal with as it is. However, my dc are no dummy's. They knew that his bd was coming up soon because it is just before my twin ds's birthday. We couldn't "celebrate" so to speak, but we could at least acknowledge that this day was different from other days, to US anyway. 

We discussed what to do. Finally hit on a plan for the day. Here's what we did. We drove into the city for dinner. We went to dh's favorite resturant and ate.. we ordered whatever we wanted and then ordered dessert as well... it was one of those HUGE chocolate brownie ice cream concoctions.. the waiter brought us 4 spoons and we shared it, even though we were full from all the food.   Then we drove to the mall and I payed for the 3 of them to play in one of the indoor playground areas that they always beg to play in, but we never had the time to let them. They climbed in and out of the tubes, they squealed and giggled and chased each other.. they really had a blast. (I sat in the chair watching them and wondering why on earth did I eat so much?? lol

Then we went to Targets and used one of the gift cards that we recieved from our church family. I let the dc pick out something they wanted...  not really going overboard, but within a set spending limit.  Then we went to the new, big, craft outlet store and just looked and looked. (We love craft stores!!)

We then went to a Christian bookstore and they each bought a small reading light for their rooms, and I found myself a few books that I had been wanting. oh,, they each got a book mark as well.

It sounds like we went this huge spending spree, but really, we didn't. We shared steaks at the resturant, and shared dessert, the reading lights were only a few dollars apiece... the gift card was given to us to spend on whatever we wanted, and I decided let the dc enjoy it instead of me saying "we are buying the things we NEED, not what we want.."  like I always say.   You'll notice I didn't mention the books I bought.. ahem.... let's just forget those...  eg

It was such a good time for us to be together. I think we are going to make this a new tradition for us. Each year on January 19th.. we are going to have "our day" and do something fun together.  I think it will help have something to look forward to right after the holidays.. and let me tell you.. those are some tough times to get through! Everything is a reminder of dh being gone. It's difficult to try to fill up this space that is empty.. there was so many things that he did every year.. and the dc would ask me things like  "who's going to put up the tree now?? Daddy used to do it."   My mom asked me about carving the turkey... because my dh did it every year. 

After all the holiday hooplah and heartache and whatever, we can go and do something on this day that means nothing to the outside world, and IF anyone asks my dc what they did on their dad's  birthday, instead of looking sad,  they will have something exciting to share. If nothing else.. they will have good memories of it  when they are grown and have dc of their own.