I don't like this time of the day.. it's getting dark. The dc are going to bed and then it will be just me.

It is hard to ignore the fact that dh is gone when it is just me.

The house is guiet and I have nothing to do but think about what has happened in the past 11 months.

I can't believe that it has been almost a whole year since dh died. It seems like only yesterday in some ways, but it also seems like a lifetime ago in other ways.

This is the type of thing that no one tells you about, that there is no preperation for.. nothing any one can do for you at all. It is something that you have to live through. Talk about tough on-the-job training!

One thing that I miss is the conversation. I could tell dh anything. He didn't always talk back, but that was just his way. He didn't have a lot to say usually. I couldn't ask his opinion about anything because his usual answer was "whatever you think."  But I could talk to him and get some of the days worries or good points 'out there'.

I would tell him what funny thing the dc did that day, or something cute one of them said.. they're at that age now, where they have the adult vocabulary but don't always know what the words mean, so when they say something out of context, it can be very amusing! (LIke when my ds said that this girl had a "mental disorder" because she was short for her age.)

Who do I tell these things to now?

He used to call at the same exact time every single day. It got on my nerves at times... lol.. I'd ask him.. why don't you call at 12:15 instead of 12:20? I mean, if the phone rang at 12:20 it was him.. I didn't even have to have caller ID, because I knew just by looking the clock that it was him. IHe never deviated from his own set time. Why he picked that time? I don't know.. maybe it was just before his lunch break.. maybe he was at lunch and had just finished eating... I don't know. Whatever his daily routine was, 12:20 was plugged into his internal mechanism and it said "time to call home".

Another thing he liked to do was tape the Nas car races and we'd watch it together after the dc went to bed on Sundays. I discovered that this was the best way to watch a 5 hour race.. because if we fast-forwarded through the commercials, it would only last about 3 1/2 hours. Some nights, he would fall asleep while watching it, and after 20 or 30 laps, he'd wake up and ask who was winning, who wrecked, etc. I can't recal how many times after he fell asleep, I'd fast-forward through about a hundred laps without him being the wiser! He's wake up and say.. I just nodded off for a minute, I didn't realize I was alseep that long...  He never did catch on to what I was doing. Yeah, not the best thing for me to do, I know.. but let's face it.. those races can get rather boring after a while!

We had plans to go to Hilton Head Island, SC for a long weekend. He had 2 free nights (from points) saved up and we were going to have an early 15th anniversary weekend without the dc. We had some marriage issues that we had been seeing a Christian marriage counciler about, and we were looking forward to a few days away to sit in the sun and relax and discuss the sessions we'd been having. Unfortanately he died before we could go. 

I do wonder at times why this has happened. I don't question God at all. I know that we are in His hands and under His care. I know my dh was a Christian and he is in heaven. But I do wonder what God thought of ME.. that He would allow this to happen to me and also to our dc. Why take away their daddy? So I do think of that and wonder about His plans for us, what lessons He wants us to get from this and also what kind of people He wants us to grow to be because of this.

I know we are not unique. There are many families out there that are dealing with incredible loss. Some way more profound than ours. Some way more crushing than ours.. but that still doesn't take away OUR pain, OUR loss. 

SO, I will close this one for tonight and go find something to do now that the dc are in bed for the night.

Until next time,

Nancy