My husband died exactly one year ago today. Aug 12, 2006.

I can't believe that my children and I have made it through the past 12 months. We are all still walking around with that "deer in the headlights" look on our faces. It's like, we are still in a state of shock. Total disbelief. Who knew we would be doing this 13 months ago?? None of had a clue as to how hard life could get so quickly.  I've been listening to the song "Who Knew" by Pink.  It says just what I'm feeling!

We didn't do anything at all today to commemorate the day. We discussed it earlier in the week. None of us wanted to visit the grave site. I thought of us maybe going to the beach, but the dc wanted to stay home, so I was fine with that. Actually, I slept a good bit this morning. I was up in the night watching late movies... such a big time waster, but at least it kept me from thinking.

The kids got into the pool for a little while today and then played on the Playstation. Then they watched cartoons. It was a boring, typical day for us. I think that was good, in a way. No big scenes, no tantrums, no arguments.. nothing like that at all. Just a plain "do nothing" day.

I have found a web site for young widows. It helps to read that I'm not the only one left with a house to manage and children to raise.. I'm not the only one trying to figure out how to jumpstart a truck that has been left behind by it's owner... I'm not the only one learning how often the lawn needs mowing.. (didn't I cut that just last week?? and now it's already knee high?? sigh) 

A few months ago, I needed to buy gas for the lawn mower. So, I thought I was big-stuff taking the gas can to the filling station. I whipped it out of the car and plopped it down next to the pump.. huh... who needs dh?? I can do this. No big deal. Then I tried to open the gas can.. and I couldn't unscrew the lid. It was put on too tight. I tried and tried and it would not budge! My 12 y/o ds was with me. He tried to open it, but it was held fast. I got so frustrated... I wanted to cry and scream and throw a fit!!  My ds suggested I ask one of the men there that was pumping their own gas to help, but I was so frazzled that I didn't trust my voice to ask them.. afraid I would break down crying right in front of them because I couldn't get the lid off the gas can.

I just put the gas can back into the car, and ds and I left. I was very upset and I told ds "Please,, when you get married... don't EVER tighten stuff on so tightly!! Please think of your poor wife trying to open things that you've put on too tight."  (oh, my poor ds!! lol)

At first, in the first few months after Mark died, a friend of mine told me that I needed to grieve. It was the same exact thing another lady had told me after my dad died. I really had no idea what they were talking about.. I mean.. I WAS grieving, wasn't I?  Well. No.  I wasn't. I was SURVIVING.

A few nights ago, I began to reflect on what this day would mean. Aug 12. The memories, the pain, the funeral that I was too dumbstruck to comprehend. And that night, I just began to cry. I couldn't stop. I cried until about 4 am or so. I felt like a fountian, just spewing water all over the place. That's when I realized what those ladies meant. I hadn't had that happen to me before then. I guess I was too busy just coping with each day. I think I've learned all kinds of interesting stuff in this past year, maybe now I can learn to grieve, too. 

I've been ok today. I received several phone calls and emails from family and friends. Each of them wanting to let me know that they were thinking of us and offering words of support. I had several people ask about coming over and spending the day with us, but I gently turned them down. I didn't want a housefull of visitors today. A year ago everything was so hectic and busy.. the type of business one needs in a time of tragedy to help buffer the reality of what has happened. But now, I thought we would need the time of peace and quiet to reflect on our loss. Time to cry with each other, or to just sit quietly and think by ourselves.

I am very blessed to have those who love me nearby. Not everyone has that. The Lord has given my children and I a whole year of being coddled by our loved ones. I'm thankful for that. What would we have done without the goodness of our Savoir, Jesus?  What would we do without Him even now??  Our journey isn't over. We will never have Mark back, but with each passing day, God is showing us that we can continue on the path He has given us, even though that path no longer includes our husband and dad.

Until next time,

Nancy