He Reigns Alone - Life is sometimes hard!

Oct. 4, 2007

Life is sometimes hard!

This past week has been extremely hard. We have known for quite some time that we would eventually lose my dad to emphysema. He smoked all his life (at least as long as I can remember) and had suffered with his lungs inability to take in enough oxygen for a number of years. After watching his older brother die from emphysema ( which would have been enough to make me quit smoking), he refused to go on oxygen because he believed that going on oxygen was what killed my uncle. He waited until it was really too late to finally consent to oxygen.

This summer the doctor put him on oxygen and told him that he believed that daddy had, at best, a year to live. Within two months they called in hospice and within two weeks of starting hospice, Daddy was gone. The decision was made last weekend for me to start coming home (to Texas) every other weekend to spend time with Daddy. My first trip was to have been the weekend of October 13th. The day after that decision was made, I was told that I better come the weekend of Sept. 30th. I made plane reservations and called to inform my family of the itinerary. I was then told to come immediately. I changed my flight to Wednesday of last week. I arrived at Daddy's bedside on Wednesday afternoon and on Friday afternoon, less than 48 hours after my arrival, we stood by Daddy's side as he drew his last breath. I don't think that Daddy ever recognized me although he did respond when I told him that I loved him.

Watching Daddy go was the hardest thing that I have ever done in the 48 years that I have been on the earth. Although I am thankful that he is no longer suffering for breath, I miss him so greatly. Even though our family had its share of ups and downs, knock down and drag out fights, and general dysfunction that so often occurs, I never quit loving Daddy. The love that you have for a parent transcends all the problems and ultimately wins out over strife.

On top of all the heartbreak and grief that I have only just begun to feel, was the added burden of walking on tiptoes trying not to offend my stepmother as we planned a service that she did not want but we so desperately needed. Because of that, the time that I needed to start my grieving was postponed as my sisters and I spent a long 36 hours doing everything that needed to be done.

On Friday night after Daddy died, I could not sleep so I sat by myself and wrote the following letter:

Dear Daddy,

How do I say goodbye to someone whom I have known and loved, literally, from the day I was born? What a birthday present that must have seemed to you when Jan and I appeared on that day you turned 25! I know that I always proudly let everyone know that I shared my birthday with my daddy!

I have so many memories to hold dear and I know that they will flood my mind in the days to come. Remember when you coached Little League? I remember going to practice and standing on the sidelines watching. Whenever you would get on to the boys about their batting, you would always look and tell them, "Nan can hit better than you can!" You would let me have a turn at bat. Of course, I couldn't do any better, but I tried to and it made me feel as if I could.

I, also, remember you coming home from work after a long, hot day laying brick. You would get cleaned up and sit in your recliner to watch the news on TV. Of course you always fell asleep and when we thought you were sound enough asleep we would get up to change the channel. You would always wake up and make us change it back because "you weren't sleeping, you were just resting your eyes."

I guess the most important memory and the best gift that you ever gave me was a deep love for family. While our family has certainly had our share of hard times and misunderstandings, we have come out of those times loving each other and still able to say, " We are family and that is what is important!"

I have been blessed, Daddy, more than words can say. You were Daddy to me, Papa to Daniel and Carolyn, but most of all you were and still are the precious gift that was given to me on the day that I was born. Rest easy now and tell Granny and Papa that I look forward to seeing them when I get there.

Your loving,
PeeWeekins

Love and enjoy your family while they are here, because you never know when that day will come when you, too. will have to spend time doing the hardest thing you ever have to do, saying Goodbye!