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I have been so busy since returning home from Texas and trying so hard to come to terms with the death of Daddy. It has taken so long to catch up on all the paperwork for the trucks and so much work to get my store open. The work has been hindered by constant thoughts of Daddy and all the time lost when I could not visit in Texas. Regrets, anger, sorrow all mingle together. Tears are often very near to the surface, yet refuse to fall. I must not cry because I feel that if I start I will never stop. Regrets I can begin to deal with as I remind myself of the difficulty and expense of traveling when we did not have the funds anyway. I called instead. But then I also remind myself of the money that was wasted on things that we may not have needed, but wanted for ourselves and our children. That money could have been set aside for travel money instead. (Note to self - try to stop wasting money). Anger is a harder thing to deal with. The only hope is to trust that God will be faithful in helping me let go. I am reminding myself that anger hurts no one but myself. I am not ranting and raving mad, just sadly angry over a situation that I cannot change. How do you get beyond a hospice worker looking you in the face and saying you must take the word "overdose" out of your vocabulary? What did she mean? Did they intentionally overdose Daddy to "put him out of his misery?" How do you get beyond a stepmother, whom you thought loved you, writing a will with your dad leaving all the family land to herself and writing the will two weeks before he dies in hospice care? God help me to release this to you and remember that You are in control of all situations and ultimately everything is done to glorify You. Help me to continue to love my stepmother, in spite of hurt feelings. Sorrow and grief are the hardest of all the emotions. I know that God brings comfort, I just cannot feel it right now. The emotions are too raw. How can I help my son and daughter deal with their grief when I am having such a hard time dealing with my own. My only solace right now has been the week that our son was home from his 6 month deployment. Just seeing him and having him here to hug and talk to brought some peace and joy at a time when I so desperately needed it. Today, I opened the doors to my new store for the first time. I was relieved to finally have it open and was looking forward to one more thing to help occupy my time. Excitement was in the air. I called my sister-in-law to check on how she was because they had called in hospice recently for Mark (Pray for Mark). My niece answered the telephone. When I asked her how she was she told me not very good. I knew before I asked that Mark had passed away. At 12:30 pm (CST) Mark Nichols, my brother-in-law, friend and the love of Candi's life left this world to pass into eternity. Why God, do I have to deal with so much sorrow and grief in so short a time? I know that You assure me that you do not allow anymore than we can bear to be placed on our plate so to speak, but just how much is too much? How strong do we have to be? I called my son and the raw grief in his voice was the hardest thing bear. Uncle Mark was his trapping and fishing teacher and buddy. It is so hard for him and my daughter to lose both a Grandfather and a beloved Uncle in less than a month. It is even harder to think of my niece and her children left fatherless and grandfatherless at such young ages. My children at least are 16 and 20. My nieces oldest child is not even a teenager and the baby is only 3. Please, love your family today for there may not be a tomorrow. Hold each other close and thank our Heavenly Father for each moment that you have. The question "why" will always remain with me, but ultimately I know that the answer is not so important as trusting God to ease the pain of wanting to know why. I also know that God is faithful and true. He is the comforter to the widow and the fatherless. He is the only one who can give peace and still a troubled heart. He is the only one who can say to us, "The why is not important. I am still in control and still sitting here interceding on your behalf. Did I not say that I would send you a comforter? Be still and know that I am GOD!" |
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