I reiceved an email from a friend recently who was struggling in her home schooling.   I thought there might be other moms who feel the same way as her, so I am posting this reply hoping it will help or encourage you too...

I've changed names to protect the innocent.   I haven't corrected the spelling mistakes to protect me though...
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Dear Friend

It took me a while to reply to this because I wanted to be sure my works were seasoned, and not to blunt and frank.  I know as friends we want to be upfront, and truthful with each other.  But I know I have a tendancy to be too much negatively truthful and it usually hurts others I speak to instead of encourage and exhort others like I'm supposed to do.

First off, let me start by saying I really value your friendship.  Even though we don't get to spend a lot of time together, but the time we have had on the phone and together in person, I have always come away encouraged by something you have said.  Especially when I was going through our ordeal with DHS, you were always faithful and such an encouragement.

I read what you have written, and have heard what you have said recently, and I hurt along with you.  I know things are bad for you and your family, and you see no way out with your natural eyes or understanding.  Dan, from what I feel after speaking to you, probably doesn't really enjoy what he's doing, but is doing it because it's the only way he sees he can provide for his family.  He feels trapped, and you feel trapped to.

Even though things have gotten better financially for us, we still have a long ways to go, and things are still extremely tight for us and we too go through weeks not knowing how we'll put enough gas in the car for Jerimiah to get to work.  We too see things we want to do, but yet we can not budget it into our finances because we are still paying for mistakes and stupid decisions we made in the past.  Our finances are completely handled by faith, which I believe is where God wants us.  Even though I have not been in your specific situation, I have been where you are and I still am in some aspects.

This is what I understand of you and your situation based on things that have happened in the past and things you have written me or have said.......

You feel like you are a failure because you have had little, if any support from your husband, from his family and from your family regarding choices you have made for your family.   Because you have little support in regards to homeschooling, you feel you have to do it all by yourself in your own strength.  Living under their judgment and condemnation for so long, you have started to shape your perception based on what they and others think and say about you.  You have started to judge and condemn yourself.   Because you feel like you don't live up to your own standards, you try harder in your own strength, and again don't meet those standards so you start again in another cycle of self judgment and condemnation.  You probably still pray, read the bible, see God's promises for you, and maybe even confess those promises for you... But because you  feel you are under so much judgment and condemnation, you don't truly believe those promises are for you, and that you truly can never claim them.

Your boys being behind does not make you a failure.  You are not a failure.  You have not quit, and you have not given up.  As long as you don't quit or give up you will never fail.   By what standard have you failed?  The public school system?  By their own standards they have failed as well, since outcome based education has been instated as a standard in our community.

The only way you will fail is if you keep continuing to school with your own strength, your own rigrious effort, your own standards, and your own understanding.   The only way we will succeed as mothers, wives, and homeschool moms is if we submit to and allow our selves to be led by the Helper who has been sent for us,  the Holy Spirit.  But we cut ourselves off from His leading when we continue to live in self condemnation and see ourselves as others see us.  Living by the Holy Spirit it truly an act of faith.  Living by the prompting and leading of the Holy Spirit means that we must trust Him, and trust our husband's abilities, and trust our children's abilities.  Jesus knew that we would need guidance and direction in every area of your life, including homeschooling, that is why He did send the Holy Spirit.  He is there and made available to us for us to come to him in every need and with every concern and ask for wisdom, understanding, and knowledge.

Living by the leading of the Holy Spirit in every area of your life brings freedom, and the ability to enjoy life.  Living by the Holy Spirit means beings empowered by the Holy Spirit.

You do not enjoy your life right now, because you have allowed that enjoyment to be stolen from you.   You live your life according to what the law says, and what the law requires.  Living by the law only sucks the life out of you, and brings death and misery.  We, in our own strength can never fulfill the requirements of the law.

You know what John 10:10 says.  Jesus came that we might have an abundant life, full of life, have a life that is so full it overflows.  And I believe that also includes in our home schools.  Home Schooling is part of life.

The Holy Spirit knows exactly what your boys need, and when they need it.   Yes, there are things that, by state law, and for them to succeed in our world our children need to have knowledge of and understand.  But God knows what those things are.   Our job as mother-teachers is to give our children the concrete tools they need so they can learn and help them develop a relationship with their true Father,  God in heaven.   God has given them the abilities to succeed in life, and He knows what those abilities are.   And He wants to be the one to lead you as you teach and instruct your children according to the abilities they have at the point of life they are at.

You say "it hurts to think that that's how I started out, not chained down by the hassles of what is required, but simply wanting to help my kids enjoy learning. "  It hurts, because it was probably your God given dream and vision.   But because you live under so much judgment and condemnation from others and yourself, you fear that you will never live that dream.  You can live that dream!   You think you are behind?? God can and will meet you exactly where you are and wants to lead you to where You are more than a conquerer in Christ Jesus!!!

You also said "It's nice to keep the kids sheltered from the real ugliness of school and society, and honestly, that's always been my biggest goal.  Keeping them home and getting a crummy education (but the best I could do on the time and money we have available to us), I thought, was better than a crummy education and a lot of nasty habits and bad attitudes and low self-esteem that they would have picked up in public schools."

We were never instructed to shelter our kids from the world.  Yes... we are to insulate them, and build them up and teach them who they are in Christ so they can go into the crummy world and dominate and subdue it.  But are we really keeping them from a crummy education and a lot of nasty habits and bad attitudes and low self esteem if that is what we as mothers are living at home?  If you don't enjoy schooling your children then why would you expect your children to have a good attitude about school and love learning?   If you feel like you are a failure, and keep self condemning your self, can you really example a godly self esteem, and can you really enjoy schooling your children?

"I have to get real, and have been trying to, to make sure I don't ruin them with a bunch of sweet, fluffy ideas that make everyone feel warm and fuzzy inside, but that don't stand up to even the cruddy public school educations."

No we are not to fill our kids with sweet and fluffy ideas.  That is what is wrong with the world.  We are to center our kids on the Word of God, and teach them the principles based on God's word.  And live our lives according to His word, and live life and use examples from life to teach our kids each day.  And yes, we are to "get real".... but unless our reality is based on God's word  and what the Holy Spirit is telling us, then our reality will only be a finalized perception of what the world and those around us are telling us.  Our reality is this,  yes we are in the situations we are in.  But we also have God's promises and God's provision as our source.  God's power and authority supersedes what we see and what we feel.  This is where we are now, but we do not have to stay where we are now, and it does not have to be like this in the future.

"Anything she says will probably be very enlightening and encouraging and uplifting, but since I know from experience that those methods just don't work (or at least didn't for me and my kids), hearing more of it would just be condemnation for me.  I'd hesitate to even read her book for the same reason."
Nothing I say or she says is meant to condemn or discourage you.  But you take it that way because you feel like you are failing and you condemn yourself.   No, maybe her exact method will work for you.  But can you take some of the ideas she has and see if they will fit your life?  Let me read to you an execerpt of a book I've been reading (Teaching Children as the Holy Spirit Leads by K.J. Allison)

"......When a method is proven to work, people want to mass produce it, and sell it "in cans"  But many methods that are successful with their authors fall apart when other teachers try to copy them.  Why?  Because success depends not upon the method, but upon the teacher.  A good teacher is something like an artist.  Her work must by fresh and original to be really good.  A warmed-over method doesn't have the needed spontanaeity.  It must be an intensely personal approach capable of meeting the needs of particular children in a particular setting.  Furthermore, the teacher must feel comfortable with it.

" Does this mean good teachers just grope around until they hit on success?  Some do just that; but the Spirit-Led teacher can go directly to God for help in analyzing the problem, defining the goals, and working out a solution.  To know whether you are a successful teacher, you need to know the instructional goals you plan to attain.  The Christian teacher must dig into the Scriptures to determine what teaching goals and methods are in harmony with God's goals.  A method may be successful in the eyes of the world, but if it's based on values that poison a student's mind it can hardly be called successful by Christian standards.

"Part of the secret in being a good teacher is tapping one's own God-given creativity.  What keeps most teachers from finding their own personal approach is fear-fear of failure, ......fear of not using the provided materials in the prescribed way."

"....Not that these materials should not be used.  The problem is that most teachers do not realize what the materials can and cannot do, so they don't understand how to use them most effectively.  Materials are tools;  they are not teachers......."

The lady I invited you to go see simply has a method that she came up with through her own God given creativity, and works for her, as a single mom homeshcooling 8 children and working part time.  She takes off from her part time job to go about the country to encourage other moms and to share her method.  Nothing she says or writes is meant to condemn you or make you feel like a failure.

Do I expect her method to be the perfect fit for me?  No.  But I do expect to glean ideas from her that I can incorporate into my home and our home school.  I expect to get ideas that will help to spark my own creativity to homeschool with a fresh, applicable, and Spirit-Led approach that works for us.

I've  gotten rather lengthy.  I hope you don't think I am preaching at you.  I am just sharing with you what I have learned and am still learning after all may years of being a stubborn wife and mother.  I refuse to live my life doing things the same way with the same attitude, and expecting different results.  That is insanity.  If I have to be in an atmosphere of rules and strict regulations, and life-less methods to school my children then I do not want to do it.

I hope you find encouragement in what I have written to you as a friend seeking to exhort you and build you up.

Angela