I got stuck.

In my studies, I was trying to make sense of things, trying to make puzzle pieces fit together that didn't even look like they belonged to the same puzzle. It seemed that the more I tried to make sense of things from the Word, the less sense things were making.

My stomach was hurting. I was discouraged.

Then I got a phone call. It was from a lady who really wanted to adopt a child, but the doors were closed to her family.  Like most people that want to adopt, the family had set eyes on a specific child and their hearts had recieved her as one of their own.  But the doors closed. She was heartbroken. So was her family. She wanted me to tell her why God would have opened their hearts to loving this child and then slam the doors shut. Surely the doors weren't *really* shut if their hearts knew so absolutely that this child belonged to them. There had to be another way, another plan. This couldn't be...just it. The end.

I snorted, literally. "You are asking ME?" I asked incredulously. "Me? You think I know what He means by all this after Jumoke?!"

"Well, yes," she said. "I thought because of what you went thru you would know."

I find this one thing in my life very amazing. I can walk thru a dark place, and all it is is dark. I can't think, can't seem to hear the Holy Spirit. I just stumble along, not able to encourage myself nor remind myself of the things of the Lord.

But have someone call me and ask me and my brain is just flooded with scriptures and examples of God's unfathomable character and nature.

So I reminded her of Samuel. His mother begged and cried and grieved for a child. And God finally gave her one, only to have her give her child to the priest for raising. Not only was she not allowed to raise her first born son, but she had to give his raising up to wicked men. Eli's sons were not good male models.

We all know without doubt that God made a family to raise children. A mother and a father. A unit to raise the child in safety and nurturance. There is no doubt at all that this is the perfect unit for a child to grow up in.

But then He broke that rule and sent Samuel to be raised by ungodly priests.

Go figure.

And Mary. If you want to talk about God not considering the emotions of humans, Mary is the ultimate example. Birthed her first born son, watched and pondered his Other-ness as He grew into a man, watched her innocent son die a criminal's death.

Some things are bigger than our feelings. Most things are bigger than our feelings.

And then there is Job. I don't even need to tell the story again. For no reason other than that he was a righteous man, he drew the attention of the accuser.  And for reasons we cannot begin to comprehend, God handed every single thing to do with Job, aside from his life, over to a being that detested God and detested His creation. To a being that detested Job.

I found after this talk that I was greatly encouraged. I hope my friend was as well. But I suspect that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me as well, if not instead, of my friend.

When God begins to make sense to me, I find myself growing uncomfortable. No matter how much of Him fits nicely into whatever box I'm working on, there's always more of God than I can push into the box.

I find myself greatly relieved when I realize there are many more questions about Him than there are answers. That He is much bigger than any theology man comes up with.

Because quite frankly, I don't think I could begin to serve or trust a God that I can understand. There is too much evil and brokenness in this ugly world. Nothing I can understand would begin to cover the evil that touches the life of one real person. Oh, I can talk about it theologically and even maybe sound like I know what I'm talking about. But when it comes to one real person touched by real evil...words cannot comprehend it.

When it comes to goodness, the goodness I can understand simply cannot support the miraculous good I see around me.

The word "Love" cannot encompass what the thing really is.

I am much more comfortable with questions than answers. Because the answers are really mere excuses most of the time. Like Job's comforters, they leave me feeling sad and lost and lonely.

The mystery of God is my comfort.

Children can have a very hard time understanding time as regards our history. Actually, it seems like most children look at time probably very much as God does...it's neither here nor there.

To help our younger and middle children get a better grasp on how history fits into time, I have made up what I consider a more realistic timeline, something that at least my limited brain can grasp hold of a little easier.

Try drawing this out on a piece of paper before you put it on a wall somewhere. See if it fits your way of thinking so that you can show your children how it works. 

Buy some plastic tape that will stick to the wall easily and peel off easily. Different colors would be best.

Think of year 0 as the beginning. Cut 20 pieces of tape 20 or 40 (or 60...whatever is best for your wall) long.

Set the lines up next to each other with some space in between. Think of them as birthday candles. Year 0 will be at the bottom of the line of tape on your right.

If you cut the tape into 20 inch pieces, each 10 years is about 2 inches long. Use a permanent marker to make little lines every 2 inches. If you used a 40 inch piece, 10 years is 4 inches, with 60 inches of tape, 10 years is 6 inches, etc.

Make each 100 years a different color from the one before and after it. I only have 4 colors, so just alternate them.

Make little tags that go at the bottom and top of each piece of tape.

First piece will have 0 at the bottom and 99 at the top.

Second piece of tape will have 100 at the bottom, 199 at the top.

Keep tags to write pertinent info on and stick near the appropriate date with sticky tack. Do the same with pictures of important historical figures.

You'll find it's much easier to visualize time with these birthday candle type lines, as opposed to the long lines in a timeline book or the horizontal lines of most wall timelines. Keep the others as well, tho. Seeing time in many different ways can be helpful.

But to get a grasp on how time works and how history fits into time, these vertical timelines are much more helpful.

I was having a very, very, very bad Jumoke day today. Maybe the worst I've had since he left.

Then my husband sent me THIS .  I laughed so hard I cried. And I'm telling you, for something to make me even crack a smile today, it had to be very funny indeed. Yessiree.

What a great mercy laughter is. What a lovely gift humor is.

We are studying the American colonial period in history right now.

I know. Every homeschooler knows the colonial period of history inside and out.

Except us.

We usually skip from Christopher Columbus right into the American Revolution because we love the characters and stories of the Revolution.

So I figured it was time to learn at least a bit about colonial times.

We are having such a great time! Today we were trying out some of the games that the children of colonial times played.

The first game we tried was one in which a person spins a metal or wooden plate on its side, calls out the name of another person who must catch the plate before it falls.

We gave up after five minutes. Everyone caught the plate before it fell. There was no challenge. Those colonial people knew something we didn't.

While trying to figure out how to make it more challenging, we invented a game that was definitely more fun.

We wadded up a sheet of paper into a ball. Then each of us grabbed a plastic lid from the pantry. Some of the lids were quite large, others medium sized, one very small. Some of the lids has lipped edges, and some were flat.

Then we stood in a circle, and without ever allowing our hands to touch the ball, we threw the ball and caught the ball with the plastic lids.

Oh, we laughed so hard! You couldn't use your hands, but you could use your head or your eyeglasses or your tummy or your elbows or any other part of you body to catch and make that paper ball stay on your lid.

We looked ridiculous!

A silly game, really. No points. No skill.

But we laughed enough to last us until bedtime. What fun!

There is a game that the colonial people played that I'm sure will be fun. It's called Deer and Hunter. You blindfold two people. Set them on opposite sides of the dining table. Pull all the benches and chairs out of the way. Then the Hunter needs to tag the Deer. Everyone in the room must be very quiet because the Deer and Hunter are going to be trying to hear each other in order to catch or stay away. Oh, and if there is no carpet, everyone must be out of their shoes.

I want to play this one with Tim. He's so competitive, but I'm wiley and cunning. And we have a very wide 8' long table. This definitely sounds like a good one.

I hate board games, but I love parlor games.

"Mom, I just don't get this," Jacob said.

"What?" I asked.

Jacob brought over his copy of The Light And The Glory by Peter Marshall and sat beside me.

"This book starts out with Christopher Columbus being a good guy who loves God," he said, "but now Christopher Columbus is turning into a greedy bad guy. Which was he?"

"Interesting question," I said. "You've read other books about Christopher Columbus. What do they say about him?"

"Well, most books say he's a good guy. Some books say he's a bad guy. But I've never read a book that says he's both a good guy and a bad guy."

"What about Napolean? Was he a good guy or a bad guy?"

"Most of the time he's a bad guy. Sometimes if the book is just about the wars, he's a good leader."

'What does Diana Waring say about him," I asked.

"She says he's about average, good in some ways, bad in others," he answered.

"What about George Washington? What about King George?" I asked.

"The same. Some books say that George Washington was pretty bad, but most say he was great. Almost all books say King George was near crazy and not good to the colonists, but some say he was a good king in a bad position," Jacob answered.

"So...what do you think?" I asked.

"I don't know what to think," he said. "I read the books to find the answers, but it seems like all they do is make me more confused. Everyone has a different opinion."

"Aha! Exactly!" I said, as I got up to go finish the dishes.

"Mooom!" Jacob said in frustration. "Was Christopher Columbus a good guy or a bad guy? I just want to know!"

"Just keep reading and asking questions. You'll figure it out."

"You're not being any help at all," he said, frustrated.

"You have no idea," I said, smiling at him.

I love teaching.

A while back, I had a talk with my oldest at home son, who was, I think, about 10 or 11 at the time.  I shared the bare bones of this talk with some real life friends. Below is a letter that my friend, Lynn, wrote to one of her sons based on the talk I had with Jacob.  Lynn says it *much* better than I did. Thank you, Lynn.

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As a boy grows older and heads into his teens, he will go through many changes. These changes are how God turns a boy into a man. Many of these changes are physical. His hair will change texture, he will need to use deodorant, he will grow hair under his armpits and in private areas on his body, and his voice will start to change. There will be other physical changes that Daddy will talk to you about when it is time. Those are just the changes you can see on the outside. Other changes are taking place too in your feelings.

These changes are caused by hormones in your body waking up and changing. Testosterone is a special hormone that God gave Adam and all men…. and as you grow closer to manhood, the testosterone in your body will increase. Besides affecting his body in certain ways, this hormone will make a boy increasingly restless, aggressive, easily irritated, and frustrated... you might want to yell or cry or kick things.

However, those "feelings" are actually hormone issues, and God gave them to you for a reason. You can choose to view these rushes or changes of feelings as bad and choose to use them for bad - hurting people, saying things in anger, talking back, letting yourself get angry, and destroying things. There are a number of men in prison who had made that particular choice, and there are even more young men who made their families lives miserable as they adjusted to their body's changes by acting out negatively during their teen years. Your oldest brother did this.

Or you can use these "rushes" for good, as God intended. To work HARD...no more little boy work. God gave men these hormones and feelings to help them work hard to provide for their families and to be ready and prepared to defend their families if they need to. These are the hormones that help a man work hard at his job, help soldiers fight when needed, help police, help firemen, etc.

You can’t rely on the things you did when you were "just a boy" anymore. You need to take responsibility for how you handle these rushes and learn to work through them… physical work. Go mow a lawn. Go chop or stack wood. Go clean the goat shelters or yard. Go haul sticks or pick up rocks. Build something. Clean something. Serve somebody by doing hard work they can't.

Besides hard physical work…. Immerse yourself in the Lord. Read His word, spend time in prayer. Get down on your knees, learn His Word and hide it in your heart by memorizing all you can. His word is a SWORD to a mighty man.

Feel blessed that God is working these changes on your body and emotions so you can become a strong man for the Lord… but becoming a strong man for the Lord is a choice… if you do not learn to control these emotions you will bring sadness to yourself and your family. If you can learn to control them with God’s help, my help, and Dad’s help… you WILL BE a mighty man of God.

I am praying for you, Son, and Dad & I are here to help you. Going through this is a struggle… it is supposed to be a struggle. If it was easy… you would stay weak. God refines you and makes you stronger by giving you enough struggle to grow your spiritual, emotional, and physical muscles. Every time you struggle, try to thank the Lord for helping you grow stronger.

"Mom, when are you going to have fun with me?" Mahala asked. "You never throw me on the bed or tickle me much anymore."

"I'm sorry, Mahala," I said. "I can't do that anymore. I've decided to be a good mom."

"Huh! That's what a good mom does!" said Mahala.

"No," I answered. "A good mom yells at her kids all the time and makes them do all the work."

"Then when I grow up, I'm going to be the worst mom in the whole world," she said. "And I don't think you are a very good mom either."

Words of love and affirmation.

The following took place while Tim was in Alabama. Like I said in an earlier post, it was not easy having him gone. I could have really used him at home that day.

*******************************************************************************

I took two of the children to Nana's. She hurt herself and needed some little legs to feed the chickens and do some run around stuff for her thru out the evening since she can't move much.

When Abe and I got home, Jacob, Molly, and Sol came running out to the car to meet me. They were panicked, and Molly looked sick. My heart sank. You always wonder if things will *really* be ok when you leave your older children home alone.

"Brave is hurt, Mom," Jacob said. "I think it's something for the vet. It's pretty awful looking."

"It's gross, Mom," Molly said. "I don't think I can eat. I'm going to be sick."

Even Solomon, the only one of my kids who can help with butchering and disposing of dead animals, was not ok. "Mom, I don't want to make you feel bad, but it's really awful. He's bleeding bad. Something is stuck in him on his belly."

I snapped at them, because they were making me sick and panicked. "Stop it, children! Now! You know I don't do well with blood, and I need to be ok to look at him. Is he laying down, Jacob?"

"No," he answered. "He's just standing there, staring."

I took Abe inside, and pulled myself up by the bootstraps. Tim wasn't home and neither was Joshua. I was on my own, and wondering if I should just take the dog to the vet or pull whatever it was out of him and see if I could keep him ok till Monday when the vet opened.

I went out back, and at first glance, Brave looked fine. I called him to me and he walked over to me. He looked ok.  I turned him over, and looked up and down his belly and chest, and over the rest of him, but could find no blood.

"He looks fine, guys. Are you sure he was bleeding?" I asked.

"Very sure," Sol said adamently. "It was long and bloody and looked like a sausage. It looked really, really bad."

Ooookay.  I looked over at our newly acquired female Australian Shepherd. She is quite old, but apparently still has some spunk in her.

I bit the inside of my cheeks, and couldn't speak to tell the kids that he would be fine. My face was so pinched from trying to maintain a poker face that the kids thought their poor dog was dying.  I nodded my head seriously toward the kitchen, and the kids knew that meant to fill their plates and eat.

I walked quietly thru the house, out the front door, dialed Tim on the cell phone, and when he answered I laughed with such a snort I needed tissue.  Oh my word!

"I can't tell them, Tim," I said, laughing.

"Someone needs to tell them before the boys go to Boy Scouts. Solomon is sure to mention it," he said, laughing as hard as I.

"Your job. They are boys. Your job. It's either that or they quit Scouts. And I don't think either of my brothers are going to appreciate hearing the story from their kids. And I don't *even* want to talk about Nana hearing it!"

"Ok, I'll tell them. But give me 24 hours."

What a man.

I've been where you are...reading the Word from time to time but not seeing it really make a difference in my life or heart, not really feeling a hunger for the Word. So I wanted to give you an idea that might help you...like it helped me.

First...this is the part I hesitate to write, because I really don't want you to take it for more than what it is...when you come to the Word, erase all the teachings of man in your past. Often, the teachings of man is so superficially tasty that we reject the meaty truth of the Word. By approaching the Word after setting aside all teachings of man, you are coming to the Word as tho it is brand new, as opposed to something you've heard over and over to the point that your eyes glaze over when someone starts quoting scripture.

The teachings of man should give us a hunger for the flavor of God. Very often, instead of driving us to the Word, we listen to the talk or read the words of man, and skim the scripture (or scripture references) because we've developed a hunger for the flavor of the words of man.

So set those aside. As you read, you are going to find scripture that will support some teachings. And don't be surprised when you find that you have swallowed whole some teachings that are taken from a tiny portion of scripture and blown up to be something it is not...or something that was taught as scripture and isn't. It happens. No man is God. That's why we need to always be checking the teaching against the scripture. The WHOLE scripture.

Enter your time in the Word every time with a prayer that the Holy Spirit will be with you.

Determine that if you have any questions you bring them first to your husband, secondly to either an older woman or an older man your husband says you can approach. The latter is a very narrow choice. My husband feels good about my brothers or my pastor and a couple elderly men in our church answering my questions. But that's only if Tim is not available and only assuming I will bring the answer to Tim later when he is available and check it out with him. Stay safe in this area. It's better not to ask at all than to ask the wrong person. (This is based on scripture, which I won’t go into here, but ask if you’d like to know.)

OK...Try this.

1. Get a pen and a highlighter.

2. Choose a set of books to read thru. Some suggestions:

*The epistles minus Romans

*The Gospels, the major prophets

*The minor prophets.

*For just one book choices, choose either Romans or Job. 

• Don't choose the Psalms or any of the poetry books just yet.  Those are "heart" books. Until you desire the heart of the Father, you will miss so much that is lovely in there. Save them till later.
  
  3. Start at the beginning of your set of books and read them thru in order. Keep a Strong's Concordance or e-Sword nearby in case you need them.
  
  4. Read one verse at a time, being sure you understand the verse before going on to the next one. But read. Just read. If you find yourself just glancing at scripture, then go back like you do in a normal book when you are reading and not taking in what you are reading and just really read each one.
  
  5. Use your highlighter to highlight any verse that you don't understand, doesn't make sense to you, doesn't fit.  Your Bible will be filled with highlighted verses.   But that's ok. You have lots of years to understand those. Once they are highlighted, you've admitted you don't understand them and can come back some other time and look at them, and for now, just move on. Maybe on Sunday, the pastor will teach on one of those highlighted verses or something will happen or you will read elsewhere in the Word, and all of a sudden you will understand that verse. When that happens...
  
  6. Underline every verse with the pen that you come across that you have memorized, that has been a comfort, encouragement, strength, whatever in the past, or that means something special to you right now as you read it. Later, when you come to an understanding of a previously highlighted verse, underline it! It is now YOURS!
  
  7. When you finish your set of books, come back and talk to me! I want to hear!

Two more things:

a. When you are ready for it...maybe even do it while reading thru one of the above set of books, get the "So That's Why Bible" (on sale at CBD right now for $5), and read the Old Testament in chronological order. You are going to be surprised at all the things about God that you never knew. Very surprised!

b. What was b? Don't you hate it when your brain does that?! Oh yes! Maybe not right now, but you might want to look online for wide margin Bibles with thicker pages. Don't wait to start this till you find one you like. Use the Bible you own right now. You need to have as many Bibles as you have children marked up with your notes and highlighter and pen before you die (that way, each child has one of your marked up, well-loved Bibles). So there is plenty of time to start on a new Bible in a year or two.

Even if you don't have much room, squeeze in notes, songs that come to mind when you read a verse, dates when a verse stood you in great strength or comfort, names of someone you are or want to pray a verse for or a verse that you want to think on regarding someone. Write in your Bible. It's a way of interacting with God's Word...and that means a way of interacting with God.

I love being in God's Word. Sometimes I'm frustrated that there are other things I have to do that keep me from being in His Word for hours. Other days, I just carry the memory of what I read in His Word or ponder questions because I just don't have the time I want to read. But I still feel like I'm in His Word...because His Word is in me.

But it wasn't always this way. It's been up and down, trying to find a place that is actually desire instead of "have to" or "should do".

Reading the WHOLE Word instead of a piece here and there has been the thing that has developed my hunger. That and setting aside the teachings of man, comparing them to the Word instead of using the Word to bolster the teachings.