I'm actually dreading this blog entry but I need to talk about it. 

Last week my aunts and uncles moved my grandma into a nursing home.  I am not ok with it.  I'm sad, crushed and broken about it.  I'm hurt to the core. 

See you don't understand how precious my grandma is to me.  She is the reason I am who I am.  She is a praying grandma.  She prayed for me when I was little.  She made me homemade dolls, carebears, strawberry shortcakes and leg warmers, sweaters.  The quilt she gave me the christmas of 1989 is still well loved and the afgan that she gave me on my wedding day comforted me when I was in labor with my first baby.  The children now use them to make "tents" in the house.  She and my grandpa gave their lives to Jesus when a minister came to visit and after attending services.  Grandpa thought it was best.  She said they knelt down and accepted Him.

There are 102 people in our family.  Grandma loves us all!  But I have to admit I am very selfish,  I thought I would take her when she was too old to take care of herself.  I had images of her sitting in her chair at my house with the children playing at her feet as she told stories of when she was young.  All the while I would be soaking up every ounce of wisdom that she would share, simply by just being herself.

She said that her doctors are in town (1hour and 15 minutes from my house) and that she had to stay there.  To be honest my house isn't handicap accessible.  We built this house with only ourselves in mind.  I hate myself for it.  If I'm lucky I might get to visit my grandma once a month.  It is really killing me. 

Grandma can't  knit anymore.  She can't see the patterns.  She can't do a lot of the things she used to and she longs to be with my grandpa again.  I want her to be happy but I don't want her to go.  I don't even know how to pray.  Thankfully my Savior understands.