So, for the last couple of months I have been very aware that it's true what people say....you really do have to have "me time" to stay balanced.  Well...they don't tell you how to fit it in to your day!!  With homeschooling, Lego Club, swim team, cub scouts, soccer, various church commitments, cooking, cleaning, laundry and a husband who is laid off and always finds a project we can work on together...lol...(WHEW!!) I tend to go from one activity to the next, and before I know it, the day is over and I missed it again. Well, last week I started walking with a friend from church. It has been lots of fun, and it makes me feel really good. However, we have been walking at 9 a.m... by the time I get home and showered it's 11 or 11:30. (truth be told, I usually never actually made it into the shower because 10 seconds after I walk in the door my "me time" is OVER!  lol) By then, there is no point in getting schooling started because I have to make lunch soon....after lunch when we finally start school neither Hayden nor I are really 'into' it.  My conclusion is that "me time" will now be between 5:30 a.m. - 7:15 a.m.!!  Lucky for me my walking partner is willing to do this also because I know I could think of plenty of reasons not to get out of bed at that time! Well...wish me luck....better yet, wish me SHOWERS!!  lol

Today was a big day. Harrison (4) had to be at space camp (at our church) at 9...Hayden (7) had to be at Camp Pecometh (Christian day camp 50 min away) at 8 and I had a meeting at 9.....lots of coordination... then at night, our 'nutty' puppy started obedience school (sorely needed!)....... 
After puppy school we all gathered at home for a late dinner.... I was listening to Hayden tell me about camp and it quickly turned into a string of Dillon stories...."Mommy, Dillon says you're stupid".......deep breath.... "who is Dillon?"   answer "a mean boy at camp" " why does he think I'm stupid?"....deep breath.... "he said that I am stupid and so is my teacher...I told him that you are my teacher, so he said that you are stupid"....... breath...... I go through the "well, it does not bother me what Dillon thinks of me, I know that I am smart..BLAH BLAH BLAH"..... when we move on to the good stuff, I am surprised to realize that all his "best" moments also included Dillon.... “Dillon and I …..”   “It was fun when Dillon and I …..”  At once I am taken back in time..... When Ross (daddy) and I met I was 22 (now 40!) and very into being part of the "IN" crowd. Much to my horror, the man I was drawn to was the COMPLETE opposite. If there was one person "holding court" at the bar, that is where I wanted to be.... "what great anecdotes does he have to share?"  "he must be very interesting, I must hear what he has to say...." My boyfriend wanted nothing to do with that person. He would (every time) find the one person sitting alone in the corner and start talking to them…. UGH!! …after an hour or so, I would go over there (felt like I had to) and would get involved in their conversation….UGH!! …. Every time (well….ALMOST every time) I would end up talking to a really fun and interesting person. (SHOCK!) After a while (long while) this character trait in my boyfriend (now husband) became my favorite…anywhere we go, he talks to the “outcast”…..or what society deems as an outcast… and almost every time, I end up getting more out of the experience then they do…….. fast forward to Camp Pecometh today…..  When I ask Hayden his favorite moments at camp, they include Dillon….UGH… It hit me then…he is just like his dad……Thank God!!!

Well, yesterday was Easter Sunday.....new birth...new life.
This time has definately been a time of renewed spirit for us. Last time I wrote, everything was very uncertain. Ross had just lost his job, and things were very....VERY stressful. Well, since then, there have been some changes.....or should I say BLESSINGS!  God has provided for us in a way I never could have imagined.  Our cupboard and freezer are overflowing with food...... we have gotten gifts in the mail from people...... donated dog food..... clothes for the kids.... curriculum for the kids!... a weekend away for the family!  It has all been amazing!  We are so blessed to be part of a church family that does more than 'talk the talk'. They 'walk the walk" and THEN SOME! The outpouring of love has allowed us to take a deep breath (or 100!) and move forward to explore what God wants for our lives.

One of the biggest blessing came when our pastor asked me to edit a few short videos to be seen at church for a 5 week sermon series. Although I have to say I was a bit rusty, it reminded me how much I love editing video. The bad camera work (no offence!) made my husband realize that he was good at filming and enjoyed it. Since then, we have signed on to do three additional project though church. The failure of our video company was both painful and crippling, but the last few months have been great therapy! I don't know if my husband would agree, but I can now see the good that has come out of that experience.  I am confident now that God wants us to use our talents to further His message whether it's through song or video, and that's what we will be working on!

I was listening to a conversation between my 7 and 4 year old boys. (H1 is 7 H2 is 4) They were playing the shell game....that's when you have three 'shells' and hide something under one of them and the other person has to guess where it is)  Here is what I heard....

H1 "Hide your eyes so I can mix them up"
H2 "O.K."  (covers eyes)
H1 after shuffling them "open your eyes! Which one is the ball under?"
H2 lifts the correct shell and says "Here it is!"
H1 "No fair! You cheated!!  You were peeking!!"
H2 "No I wasn't"
H1 "Then how did you know where the ball was?"  (accusing tone)
H2 "Because God knows everything and He's in my heart"

WOW! I was speechless! Harrison (H2) is so honest and 'light' (meaning that he doesn't take ANYTHING seriously) This is hard for me sometimes. I am someone that takes everything much too seriously!
Here's another encounter this week.....
Harrison had done something that I deemed rude or disrespectful (I can't remember what it was now). I was proud of myself because I did not raise my voice. Instead, I called him over and was giving him my little speech about respect, when he got this little grin on his face......he reached up......touched my nose and said "BEEP". .....I was done.....I laughed, patted his rear and said "go" and watched him bounce away...... I need to try to be that carefree!!!

A couple months ago, my mother bought me Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook called "Deceptively Delicious". It took me a while to try it, but, the last two days I have tried a couple recipes. Yesterday I pureed butternut squash (beta carotene which is good for eyes and skin and potassium which is important for heart health). It was EASY. I put in in an ice cube tray. I added two 'cubes' to our usual Kraft Mac & Cheese......they loved it (or at least couldn't tell anything was different). This morning, I made French Toast....whole wheat bread more butternut squash and some flax seed.  They LOVED it.  I have spinach I am going to puree.....and avacado.........and cauliflower.......and.....
I LOVE THIS BOOK!

I read a book this week. This might not seem like a ‘blog worthy’ statement, but if you knew me, you would know that I am more of an audio book kinda gal. I don’t usually sit still long enough to actually read that much paper! This book is different. It was written by a friend from high school. When I say ‘friend’, I should clarify that Joe  is now my friend, but in high school he was friends with my oldest brother, Carlos.

First, a little background:  My brothers and I went to 12 years Catholic schools. In the 7^th grade, Carlos went to an all boys school, and then both my brothers went on to an all boys high school while I went to an all girls school.  Today, my other brother, Jimmy, does not attend church. In fact, as far as I can tell, does not want anything to do with religion. I became Methodist and am raising my boys to be Methodist. Carlos took his own life when he was 27 (in 1993). 

This book is about the trials and tribulations of four boys at an all boys Catholic school.  These trials include the usual teenage stuff as well as abuse perpetrated by those we trusted the most…priests. Joe and I were talking the other day and I had to admit that although I received his book a couple months ago, I had not gotten past page 4.  (remember, I am not really a reader) Anyway, we got into a discussion about the book and Carlos, and I mentioned that we have suspected that Carlos may have been abused. That’s when Joe told me that one of the characters of his book was inspired by Carlos. The character was from a single mom who searched positive male role models…that matches……the character worked in the rectory for a year after school…..yes…… the character got progressively stranger and more distant as high school went on…..yes…. the character was sexually abused by priests…..????…… The whole thing got me thinking and talking to my mom. She also added that at one point, she took Carlos to a Christian counselor. One meeting, Bro David wanted to talk to Carlos alone, so they went up to his bedroom. Carlos refused to go back after that.  Through high school and beyond, Carlos seemed to have lots of friends that were sexually abused. Mostly girls. Mostly by their own fathers. Still, I always wondered how he found these people…..maybe they found each other.  My brother did leave a note. In it, he spoke of a deep pain caused by the evil in the world. How there was so much pain, and he felt powerless to do anything about it. I figured he was talking about the pain his friends felt because of the evil that was done to them. Maybe it was his own pain.

I keep having all these memories that are forming a dark and wicked puzzle…... My mom worked at the rectory of our grade school. I remember my brothers going swimming with a priest that wore a Speedo…..  My brother was an alter boy…… I remember a priest that would never be in a room with someone with the door closed.  I would eat my keyboard if you told me this priest ever abused anyone……still…..did he know it was going on?

This has reawakened all the guilt I have always felt for my brother’s death. Back in 1993, Carlos called me at work. He had never done that before. He didn’t seem to have anything to say, and I was very busy at my job that made me feel very important. After all, I was the youngest person to ever ‘lead’ the computer room. I felt needed.  It was an awkward conversation, and I finally told Carlos that I had to get back to work.  That was the last time I spoke to him. On Friday the 13^th he took his own life.  Had he called to say goodbye??  Was he trying to reach out? Hoping I would give him a reason not to go ahead with his plan? I guess I will never know.

What a great day. I really feel like we turned a corner. In an attempt to control the power struggles I seem to have with my 7 year old when it comes to school, (I have been starting to worry about our relationship being very strained.) So, I have been using a different approach. I have been more laid back about school. Some days we didn't do it at all. I have been putting him in charge of some things.
I read a post on my Weaver Yahoo group that said "Inspire not Require". I really like that. I have been trying to find ways to do that. Lang Arts has always been a struggle with Hayden. Lately I have been doing the writing, while he 'writes' the story. I figure that by the time he gets to college he will be writing on his own....and yes, he might have bad penmanship if he doesn't practice 10,000 times, but most of the people I know with bad handwriting are successful doctors (me excluded!)….. We have also been writing about something he loves instead of what the book is saying to write about. This is not easy for me. I am kind of a 'by the book' person. Not as much as my brother (sorry Jimmy!) but going "outside the box" is not something that come naturally to me. I can almost hear a collective “DUH!” from all you homeschoolers! Gee…who would have ever thought to lay off the pressure and work with something he’s interested in???  Like I said, I’m inside the box…… Anyway, today he ASKED to do LA!! Yes, he WANTED to write about Pokemon! I dropped everything I was doing and sent him to get his journal….. I am hoping that one of these days he will ask to do the writing himself. I tend to write slowly in order to make my penmanship legible! (and that’s after writing “I will not forget my homework tomorrow” until I had hand cramps when I was in school. Did that make my penmanship better?…..NO…..it did make me not like writing……or my teacher)

My girlfriend, Denise, called me yesterday to ask me if I wanted to be a founding member of a Blue Thong Society chapter with her. (thier logo looks like it could be a thong bikini or a thong flip flop.... I won't say which I prefer) The group is all about (in my view) celebrating strong women and getting together to bond. It's basically a social club, but we would have a charity to raise money for.

Here is my dilema....One of their mottos is "Fight the Frump"......Five years ago when I was a Trust Administrator for a hoity toity bank, I would not have worried about that motto. Fast forward 5 years..... it happened gradually, but I would have to say that the 'Frump" is winning this fight! Still...... I wouldn't mind being frumpless.....
On the group's web site is this quote.....

"We’ve worked, rebelled, rock ’n rolled, raised families and never failed to stand up for what we believe in. Now we’re ready for our ‘next rally’: a time for us, our girlfriends and that second adolescence we’ve been hearing about in the news. "

It sounds cool to me! I would have to work on the waredrobe though......did I mention that they have a signature blue martini?? hmmmmm

I have to say that I definitely feel a peace since I decided to HS again next year. A lot of my friends don't agree with this thought, but that is one reason why I love them...because they love me anyway! It has been a struggle for me to separete HSing with the rest of life. I thought that if I liked a friend, I should like THEIR thoughts on education.....I know better now.....(right???)  A few of my friends I have had for over 20 years! I love them!!! But I have kept my HSing thoughts from them because I did not want them to judge me or think that I was judging them (because they don't HS)....this thinking has put a wedge between us....on MY PART.  I don't want to 'brag' about how great HSing is because I don't want to make them feel bad, but I also don't want to complain about how hard it is, because I don't want them to say "See.....I didn't think you could handle it."       

I love and MISS my friends, and I need to find a way to figure this out!  Pray for me!

Today my boys and I had FUN!!  I know that seems like an odd thing to be excited about, but it was a big thing for me to relax and just giggle and play. I took time off from stressing about choosing curriculum...preparing our portfolio.... am I doing enough.......am I doing too much......... I was really starting to think that I forgot how to have fun!

I might do it again tomorrow!!

God woke me up this morning. There is a steady rain falling, and I had taken the back seat of my van out to deliver something, and there it was sitting on my driveway. He woke me up and said, "Gina, go get the seat." Of course I lay in bed for five more minutes trying to convince myself that it was already wet, so getting out of bed at 2:30 in the morning really was not necessary......I finally got up and not only did I move the seat, but I also did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, did laundry.....

This morning's experience pretty much sums up my life lately. I have prayed for many years. I went to 12 years Catholic school where we studied and recited daily. But I don't think I ever knew how to really pray. For the last few months, I have been attempting to learn how to pray. It feels ackward sometimes, but I am definitely getting the hang of it. It hasn't been till the last couple of weeks that I have felt like God is responding.  My biggest stuggle lately has been deciding whether or not to homeschool next year. This was our first year, and it really didn't go so great (too long a story for right now...).  A couple weeks ago, I went to an information meeting about a 'private homeschool' program. Basically, they teach for one day and send all the work home with you to complete all week. It sounded perfect!  I really thought this was the answer. No planning. No more stressing about what curriculum to use.......all the decisions were made for me.....PERFECT! Well, we got to the part where they would interview my son (whose in 1st grade) to see if he is "pure enough".......I sat the rest of the meeting going over how I was going to get my rock-n-roll husband to cut his hair and say the right answers for the interview and what music I was going to play for my son so he could tell them that "I listen to Bach at home".  Everyone was so nice! I really wanted it to work out, but by the time I was leaving, I knew that this was not for us. I was devistated!!  Is this the sign from God I was waiting for? Was this Him telling me to put the boys in public school next year?. I was driving home, and through my tears I prayed one more time. I said "God, I need to know what to do. If you have been sending me signs, I don't think I'm getting them. I need a CLEAR sign. Should I homeschool my boys next year? I will do whatever you tell me." I looked up, and I was passing a church that had a sign outside that read "Don't give up on yourself...God hasn't"  WOW! It is so over-whelming (in a good way) to feel like God is with you AT THIS VERY MOMENT. With everything else going on in the world, how does he have time for ME right now?????  Of course, I cried some more, but then a peace came over me. For a long time, I have felt that God was calling me to homeschool, but I kept pushing that aside to get to the practical answer. I don't know why, but now I know that God has laid it on my heart to homeschool my boys. It's not practical....it's God!

I am really starting to enjoy homeschooling now.  Everyday is not perfect, but they are getting better. One thing I've started doing is trying to have fun with WHATEVER we're doing. I tend to stress when things don't go exactly as I planned (don't laugh!).  With a 6 yos and two 3 yo, I am starting to see how rediculous that is!  I have been spending most of my time PLANNING how to do it perfectly, and not much time actually doing things......that has just added to my frustration....you can imagine!

I have also started working on myself. That's hard for me to admit. I feel guilty not spending every moment doing for the kids. I have been listening to "The Secret". This has helped A LOT. It's all about possitive thinking and faith. 

Well, that's all for now....

Thanks to you that sent me notes of encouragement! They really helped!!

Today has not been my most productive teaching day. I have been HSing for just about  2 months now, and today is my worst day....so I decided to look up some other HSers and see if anyone else has bad days.  Now I am making my own blog....My first!

My 6 year old is at the table doing worksheets...exactly what I wanted to avoid, but at least he's doing some school work....I have been struggling with the fact that being a "fun mom" does not come natualy to me....I wish it did! I have always wanted to be the 'fun mommy'....it seems like it takes money... to take them places, etc. Since HSing does not pay well, there are days that we don't have the gas money to go to the park.....not that I'm saying there aren't free things we could do.....we live 2 blocks from the river...talk about nature walks!  I think the lack of money makes me feel paralyzed sometimes. This is what I am going to work on. I will ask God to help me make the best of what we have..... sounds easy, right?