Sep. 21, 2007 - Transition Advice for Adopting School-Age Children
Transition Advice for Adopting School-Age Children
A Question from a Reader:
I've found out that our future adoptive child watches shows where she’s at now, that I won't let her watch when she comes to live with our family. She also has toys that I don't approve of. My thought is to just store them in her closet and slowly move them up the closet and hopefully I can get her to playing with different things. I don't want to get rid of things as so much has been taken from her already.
Also, what are your feelings if she wants to call her foster parents once in awhile and what about her calling them mommy and daddy? She wants to call me mommy and I told her it was fine. What are your thoughts of wisdom here?
Thanks
Thanks
Dear Friend:
My experience was very similar in some respects. Our adopted siblings wanted to periodically call their prior foster parents off and on, more in the beginning and then it tapered to never. We let them call and it was odd listening to their conversations about nothing which gradually reduced to the point that they had absolutely no desire to talk to them again. I tried not to say anything negative about them. However, I did have to explain our rules for many things which were very different from prior placements and bio mom's ideas.
Our daughter came loaded with 'Bratz' dolls which were given to her by her bio mom. I never threw any away, but I refused to add to her collection and offered choices that I considered acceptable and explained why I didn't think they were good choices for girls to play with (starting with the name and definitely including the provocative clothing and behavior). She still has a few, but she has learned to make much better choices. I still approve all purchases that the children make with their allowance money to make sure nothing inappropriate gets added. Over time, she has gotten rid of almost all of her inappropriate toys on her own because she learned what was inappropriate. Some things she has thrown away, others she has given to goodwill. She will even point out things and say "That is completely inappropriate!" which makes me very thankful that she can distinguish the difference.
The first day we met them we gave them Build-A-Bears with cute little outfits and birth certificates dated on the day we met them. They are both very, very attached to their build-a-bears and they became their favorite toys immediately. Now they save up their allowance sometimes to buy them new little outfits.
The Mommy and Daddy thing is another issue. Our daughter wanted to call me Mom right away. It is probably not the best sign (she came diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder) because she was so willing to give this very special title to me before she really knew me. In the beginning, I wasn't ready to be called Mom yet. I was having a tough time dealing with that emotionally. I didn't discourage her, but I think she picked up on my uneasiness and she began calling us by our first names. This went on for about a month or so and then one day, she called me Mommy. I said "You just called me Mommy" and she said "Well, that's who you are, aren't you?" and that was that. At that point I was prepared for her to call me Mom and it seemed natural, in fact, at that point, I was glad not to be called by my first name anymore.
Shortly thereafter, while I was away for the weekend, our new son called John "Dad" that weekend and when I got back from the trip, he started calling me mom.
I went to a foster parent class taught by a pediatric psychologist recently where "Reactive Attachment Disorder" was one of the topics of conversation. He made a statement that I would whole-heartedly agree with. He said that it is a disorder that is purely situational and brought on by stress and bad parenting. He said it is absolutely recoverable and can go away with good parenting, love, consistency, and treatment. The symptoms include indiscriminate affection, lying, stealing, harmful behavior to animals, and promiscuity. Early on, we saw several of these behaviors, but I can honestly say that we have come so far that I do not believe that any will be a long-term problem. However, we are continually on the lookout for problems that need to be addressed with appropriate communication and/or discipline.
My parting advice- You need to establish rules, but don't have too many too soon. Consider paring down the rules to the most important ones, so that she doesn't feel overwhelmed with structure, unless of course, it fits in with what she's already used to. Then, over time, gradually raise your expectations to be very similar to what you expect from your other children. I'm not suggesting that you let her get away with murder, just try not to be too rigid and demanding. Focus on the positive, give praise whenever you can and you'll know when she's ready for more responsibility.
One last tidbit- Your older children are mature enough to know everything. It is my opinion that they should know everything. Remember, they are your eyes when you are out of the room. They will mature dramatically when they recognize the problems and needs of your new daughter. They will be a tremendous help to you and she will look up to them. This might be hard for them when they get tired of it, just keep talking them through it. It is hard for everyone, but there is no greater way to answer God's calling. Remember that, while we're still here on Earth, the journey itself is our reward and every moment has purpose and meaning.
With love,
Sallie
