Feb. 29, 2008 - Morning Teenage Revival
Morning Teenage Revival
I’m not a coffee drinker. Quite frankly, I don’t know how anyone ever gets past the first cup since it is so yucky tasting. However, since half the world (or maybe more) disagrees with me, I’m willing to accept that I’m the quirky one. This morning, as I was about to pour out my husband’s Columbian coffee leftovers, I had an ah-ha moment. At that very instant my fourteen year old, anti-morning son walked in the kitchen in a haze. He wasn’t really awake enough to converse or even begin making his breakfast. His hair was poking out in every direction, his pants were falling down and he was shielding his eyes from the sun. You know exactly where I’m heading now, don’t you?
“Here you go honey. Wouldn’t you like to be just like Daddy and get your day going with a hot steaming cup of coffee every morning?” I coaxed.
He wasn’t sure, but he was willing to try it-- one more step to being a big guy like Dad. He hung his head over the mug I gave him, doctored up with milk and sugar, and sipped it with a spoon. A little while later when I handed him his bagel with cream cheese, I saw he now had the cup at his lips, sipping steadily. With bites of bagel, he drained the cup.
School went quite well today. For the first time in months, or possibly ever, Taylor finished every single assignment during the allotted time and left the school room by four o’clock with absolutely no homework to do over the weekend. Oh glory be! Could it have been the coffee? I think maybe so.
Oh there’s much more to this story, and maybe you are thinking that I am incredibly dense for writing about how coffee helps get you going in the morning. Uh….. duh. I know, but how many moms would love to coax their teenagers into joining the living in the morning and haven’t found the solution yet?
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Oct. 27, 2007 - Everything Mom Says.......
Everything Every Mom says -Sung to "The William Tell Overture"
I couldn't have said it better myself.........
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Oct. 22, 2007 - More Than Waiting
More Than Waiting
(Awaiting word on adoption of three boys)
Praying, planning, dreaming,
What-if-ing, learning, reading,
These we do everyday as we wonder if you’ll come.
Self-doubting, worrying,
second-guessing, and pressuring God,
These we try hard not to do as we wonder if you’ll come.
Will you ever come to be with us?
We don’t know if it is God’s will.
Will we get to hold and love you?
Watch you grow and learn and love too?
Lord, please let us know. What is your will?
Others wait and wonder thus, ‘tis true.
How and when will we learn?
Could be softly on angel’s wings, or sudden, shocking, dropped on lap.
Minutes seem like hours,
Hours linger just like months,
As Venus’ days outlast the years,
So the time ticks and tocks and jeers.
And if it is to be God’s will,
I know we’ll cry and praise Him.
And if it is not to be God’s will,
I know we’ll cry and praise Him still.
© Sallie H., 2007. All rights reserved.
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Sep. 21, 2007 - Transition Advice for Adopting School-Age Children
Transition Advice for Adopting School-Age Children
A Question from a Reader:
I've found out that our future adoptive child watches shows where she’s at now, that I won't let her watch when she comes to live with our family. She also has toys that I don't approve of. My thought is to just store them in her closet and slowly move them up the closet and hopefully I can get her to playing with different things. I don't want to get rid of things as so much has been taken from her already.
Also, what are your feelings if she wants to call her foster parents once in awhile and what about her calling them mommy and daddy? She wants to call me mommy and I told her it was fine. What are your thoughts of wisdom here?
Thanks
Thanks
Dear Friend:
My experience was very similar in some respects. Our adopted siblings wanted to periodically call their prior foster parents off and on, more in the beginning and then it tapered to never. We let them call and it was odd listening to their conversations about nothing which gradually reduced to the point that they had absolutely no desire to talk to them again. I tried not to say anything negative about them. However, I did have to explain our rules for many things which were very different from prior placements and bio mom's ideas.
Our daughter came loaded with 'Bratz' dolls which were given to her by her bio mom. I never threw any away, but I refused to add to her collection and offered choices that I considered acceptable and explained why I didn't think they were good choices for girls to play with (starting with the name and definitely including the provocative clothing and behavior). She still has a few, but she has learned to make much better choices. I still approve all purchases that the children make with their allowance money to make sure nothing inappropriate gets added. Over time, she has gotten rid of almost all of her inappropriate toys on her own because she learned what was inappropriate. Some things she has thrown away, others she has given to goodwill. She will even point out things and say "That is completely inappropriate!" which makes me very thankful that she can distinguish the difference.
The first day we met them we gave them Build-A-Bears with cute little outfits and birth certificates dated on the day we met them. They are both very, very attached to their build-a-bears and they became their favorite toys immediately. Now they save up their allowance sometimes to buy them new little outfits.
The Mommy and Daddy thing is another issue. Our daughter wanted to call me Mom right away. It is probably not the best sign (she came diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder) because she was so willing to give this very special title to me before she really knew me. In the beginning, I wasn't ready to be called Mom yet. I was having a tough time dealing with that emotionally. I didn't discourage her, but I think she picked up on my uneasiness and she began calling us by our first names. This went on for about a month or so and then one day, she called me Mommy. I said "You just called me Mommy" and she said "Well, that's who you are, aren't you?" and that was that. At that point I was prepared for her to call me Mom and it seemed natural, in fact, at that point, I was glad not to be called by my first name anymore.
Shortly thereafter, while I was away for the weekend, our new son called John "Dad" that weekend and when I got back from the trip, he started calling me mom.
I went to a foster parent class taught by a pediatric psychologist recently where "Reactive Attachment Disorder" was one of the topics of conversation. He made a statement that I would whole-heartedly agree with. He said that it is a disorder that is purely situational and brought on by stress and bad parenting. He said it is absolutely recoverable and can go away with good parenting, love, consistency, and treatment. The symptoms include indiscriminate affection, lying, stealing, harmful behavior to animals, and promiscuity. Early on, we saw several of these behaviors, but I can honestly say that we have come so far that I do not believe that any will be a long-term problem. However, we are continually on the lookout for problems that need to be addressed with appropriate communication and/or discipline.
My parting advice- You need to establish rules, but don't have too many too soon. Consider paring down the rules to the most important ones, so that she doesn't feel overwhelmed with structure, unless of course, it fits in with what she's already used to. Then, over time, gradually raise your expectations to be very similar to what you expect from your other children. I'm not suggesting that you let her get away with murder, just try not to be too rigid and demanding. Focus on the positive, give praise whenever you can and you'll know when she's ready for more responsibility.
One last tidbit- Your older children are mature enough to know everything. It is my opinion that they should know everything. Remember, they are your eyes when you are out of the room. They will mature dramatically when they recognize the problems and needs of your new daughter. They will be a tremendous help to you and she will look up to them. This might be hard for them when they get tired of it, just keep talking them through it. It is hard for everyone, but there is no greater way to answer God's calling. Remember that, while we're still here on Earth, the journey itself is our reward and every moment has purpose and meaning.
With love,
Sallie
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Sep. 12, 2007 - Godly Character Building
Godly Character Building
While discussing outer beauty versus inner beauty, I asked my daughters who they should admire and try to be like. My eldest daughter had caught on to the lesson and quickly replied, “We should be like you, Mom.” I had to smile, but it certainly brought to mind the reality of who they will become like. They will grow up to be just like me, whether that is good or bad.
There are many resources out there to foster godly character building, but God gave us one of the most effective resources of all, our parents. Why am I such a hard worker? The answer is because my parents modeled this behavior as I was growing up. And now, I model it for my children. However, that can be a double-edged sword. If I have learned poor character traits, I am in danger of passing those to my children, as well. To be Godly parents, we must constantly be working on ourselves, growing and changing.
Here is a partial list of Godly character traits that we all should be striving for:
Attentiveness, Charity, Cheerfulness, Compassion, Contentment, Courage, Dependability, Determination, Devotion, Diligence, Discernment, Discretion, Enthusiasm, Faith, Faithfulness, Forbearance, Forgiveness, Generosity, Gentleness, Godliness, Goodness, Gratefulness, Helpfulness, Honesty, Hope, Humility, Integrity, Joy, Kindness, Longsuffering, Meekness, Mercy, Modesty, Obedience, Orderliness, Patience, Peace, Peacemaking, Perseverance, Purity, Respectfulness, Responsibility, Sincerity, Steadfastness, Temperance, Thoughtfulness, Trustworthiness, Truthfulness, and Willingness.
After having said that, we should all recognize that we have much to work on to be the best we can be for our children.
How then, should we tackle a problem area in ourselves? The steps are simple, though they may require frequent repetition and much work on your part.
- Pray.
- Read the Bible (a good concordance helps a lot here)
- Listen for God’s prompting.
- Follow through with how he is leading you.
- Repeat frequently.
For any real change to come about, you must truly practice, practice, practice. We will always make mistakes, but with practice we will begin to recognize them sooner and make corrections sooner. Eventually, you might hear someone remark that they see a change in you, but don’t count on it. Just keep it between you and the Lord.
If you would like some additional resources to help you develop Godly character traits in your children, here are some of my favorites:
Keepers of the Faith- “Write Upon My Heart” Character Training Booklets
These are available for several character traits, and feature appropriate scriptures, bible examples of the trait, practical lessons, instructions, stories, poems, practical applications, and a 30-day journal in a 68 page booklet.
Doorposts.net offers wonderful resources in the form of books and charts. I personally have used the If-Then Poster for effective discipline for several years now.
Pearables Character Materials- For example, Personal Help for Girls designed to be led by Mom and Personal Help for Boys designed to be led by Dad.
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Aug. 21, 2007 - Family Values & Expectations Contract
Family Values & Expectations Contract
Here's a generic version of our Family Contract that we update and sign each fall at the beginning of a new homeschool year. It sets clear expectations and settles the inevitable differences about bedtimes, curfew, etc.... Feel free to modify and use this in your non-commercial home setting.
_________ Family Values & Expectations
1 We desire to have a loving Christian household. All members of the family will be respectful to each other at all times. Absolutely no hitting, yelling, fighting, or foul language.
2 Mealtime- Whenever possible, the family will eat together for breakfast and dinner. We will thank God for his blessings.
3 Public Behavior- No member of the family will make any derogatory remark about another member of the family in public or in front of visitors.
4 Church Attendance- All members of the family will attend all scheduled church meetings (Sunday school, youth group, Sunday worship, committee meetings, etc…).
5 Bible Study- Family members will participate in a bible study group weekly.
6 Money Management- The children will be paid allowances every Friday for their contribution to the smooth running of the household . Name ____________ Amount__________
7 Allowances are not to be spent on candy or soda pop unless specifically approved by Mom or Dad. Local savings accounts will be established and saving for future purchases will be encouraged.
8 Tithing- Mom & Dad will tithe to the church as pledged. The children will each tithe 10% of their allowances to Sunday School.
9 Family Night- The entire family will participate in a family fun night once every two weeks. This may be at home or out. Creativity is encouraged.
10 Date Night- Mom & Dad will have a private date night once every two weeks.
11 Children’s Activities- Mom and/or Dad will attend all sporting events and other activities that the children are involved in, whenever possible.
12 Movies- No R Rated movies unless specifically reviewed and approved by Mom or Dad. PG and PG-13 movies must be reviewed & approved for kids under 13. .
13 Candy, Treats & Gum- No chewing gum allowed for children under 10. Children must ask before eating candy or treats and must always brush their teeth afterwards. Children do not have to ask permission for fruit.
14 Music Lessons- Music practice is required 5 days a week, minimum. Children must be prepared for their lesson each week. Practice will be at least 30 min/day.
15 Reading- Reading is encouraged! In addition, all children may read in bed AFTER their appointed bedtime. All novels will be approved by Mom or Dad.
16 Bedtimes- School nights: Teens 16 & up- 11:00 pm, Kids 9-12- 9:30 pm. Weekends- 11:00 pm for preteens and 1:00 for teens. Every family member is responsible for setting his/her alarm.
17 Curfews- Teens- 10:00 on school nights, with permission and communication.
18 Mornings- All family members are expected to rise on time. Children will rise by ________ on school mornings. All will be responsible for making their bed EVERY morning. All family members will eat breakfast everyday.
19 Personal Hygiene- Children must brush their teeth in the morning and before going to bed. All must wash hands before eating. All kids must bathe in the evenings, not on a school morning.
20 Friends- Friends are allowed on non-school nights, with prior approval. On school nights, teens can have friends over until 10:00 (or their friends’ earlier curfew time).
21 Laundry- Children must promptly put away their own laundry in the proper drawers and hang up clothes, as needed. Children are responsible for bringing their laundry to the kitchen on Monday mornings. Children must keep up with laundering uniforms themselves. If ironing is needed, please ask Mom the night before.
22 School Papers- Children must pay attention and take notes in classes and keep all notes, assignments, and graded papers organized by class. Do not throw out any papers until reviewed by Mom or Dad. Mom and/or Dad are to review papers daily.
23 Study Habits- All Children are expected to prepare for and study for all tests. Study may involve reading the textbook, reviewing notes, memorization, reviewing study guides, etc… Mom & Dad will be willing to assist, as needed.
24 Homework- Homework must be neat (good penmanship, no scribbles, and no wrinkled or torn pages) and absolutely must be completed and turned in on time. Homework must also using good writing skills (capitalization, punctuation and complete sentences). Homework will be done at a desk, kitchen table, or computer. All outside distractions should be kept at a minimum. Absolutely no missing assignments will be tolerated. Homework is to be completed before 6 pm, whenever possible. TV, Video Games & Computer are allowed only AFTER completion of homework and chores.
25 Organization- Notebooks, book bags, desks and rooms are to be KEPT ORGANIZED.
26 Grades- A’s and B’s and occasional C’s are acceptable. D’s or F’s will result in rework and review and/or makeup work assigned by Mom and Dad. Report Card A’s and B’s will be rewarded. Straight A’s will be celebrated!
27 Sports and Extracurricular activities- Participation in sports and extracurricular activities is a privilege. Attendance will be granted only when not in conflict with homework, studying, church commitments and bedtimes.
28 Chores- All children will have various assigned chores. These are to be done without argument or grumbling.
29 Telephone- No phone calls in or out of the house after 10 pm. Long distance calls should be kept to a minimum.
30 Television- Unless approved by a parent, TV viewing should be limited to 2 hours maximum per day.
31 Video Games- Unless approved by a parent, Video games should be limited to 1 hour per day.
32 Computer Usage- Be respectful of others needs and share willingly.
33 Internet Rules- No communication with any unknown persons is allowed. Mom & Dad must approve of all “buddies”. Absolutely no lude, inappropriate or foul language will be tolerated. No one is to use another person’s e-mail or screen name. No new screen names without parental approval. Internet surfing must only be at parental approved sites.
34 Respect for Other People’s Belongings- Do not take someone else’s belongings without permission. Do not search through someone else’s room without permission.
35 Indoor Behavior- Absolutely no ballgames in the house. No wild running or excessive rough-housing will be tolerated.
36 Hugs- Everyone gets hugs. Even big boys.
37 Apologies- If you have hurt someone in anyway, you must promptly and sincerely apologize. If you have been hurt, you must forgive the person offering the sincere apology.
I have read and agree to the ______ Family Values & Expectations:
Dad __________________________________
Mom _________________________________
_______ _____________________________
_______ ______________________________
_______ ______________________________
_______ ______________________________
_______ _______________________________
© Sallie H., 2007. All rights reserved.
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