Listening to the Father's Voice.
Jul. 16, 2006
A Daddy's Heart
Posted in Lets Get REAL
This week has been an amazingly emotional week. I have cried till I just didn't have any more tears to give and I still wasn't done. My poor dear husband own's his own business in the computer/IT industry. This is not a mom and pop shop, but an sub-contracting on-site services to small - medium sized busnesses. That means that if a server goes down then he must stay till it is back up again as the employees of that company cannot work if the server isn't up and running. So now, after that long explanation, you are probably wondering what this has to do with a Daddy's heart. Well this last week was a very long week for both my hubby and I as he had some very long hours. I was frustrated and getting depressed because I was having to "do it all on my own" and even the evenings when he left saying he would definately be home that night, SOMETHING somewhere went wrong. Then the one night he was able to make it home the poor thing just numbly and blindly led himself to bed and I think he really did fall asleep before getting there... .So as I said, I was feeling sorry for myself and a bit angry at the situation. I felt like the old Twylla Paris Song "The Warrior is a Child". I had laid down my sword and cried, but unlike the song I didn't do it at the Father's feet. In fact I hadn't been spending any time with the Father for a while. This week, Daddy put me on restriction from all relationships (except one very wise and sweet fellow TOGger and one actress) to remind me that He wanted me to draw closer to Him (thank you Gilda and Lisa Welchel for allowing Him to use your voices as my physical reminder when I was just staying clueless). You see, as I begain seeking Him, my daddy showed me the places in my heart that He wanted to "hang" with me but I was still guarding them for fear of rejection and abandonment. I knew God loved me, I knew He was my heavenly Father, but my heart was afraid to find out these things as there had been abandonment in the past by my biological father, sister and brother. Though I do not remember my biological father abandoning our family, I vividly remember (esspecially my sister) my siblings abandonning our family. This was very hard as they had been my second parents since I was two and they were 11 and 12. They left once when I was 5, and again when 6, and my sister one last time when I was 7. My mom had become a christian and they didn't want anything to do with it. My mom now regrets how she handled it and says she would do it differently if she could do it all over again. I personally wouldn't choose to live it over again at all. It has effected my relationships with my mom, my step-dad, my husband, and mostly my Jesus. You see, I laid down my weapons of destruction and I was afraid to let Jesus love me. I knew He did, but I have been too scared to really know how much. I have stayed pretty dull to this emotionally and just been a STRONG WARRIOR! Infact, most people would know me as a fighter, not one to give up. You could even see this in my previous post here. But the my Daddy in heaven wanted me to see His heart for me and at this I was not a strong anything. On the contrary, I ran as fast as I could, for I knew that my love for Him was not equal to His for me. Nor had I earned His love or felt deserving of it. Isn't that how it is in human nature? We work hard and feel we should be able to earn a decent living from it. I wanted to work hard for Jesus and earn His love. I know I need His love and now after battling that depression and sending it away (to understand this more read my entry on "Freedom...Do you have it?") I have asked that the Lord would so graciously show me His love. That He would help me to accept it and know it in my heart not just my head. I must say that His love is GREAT! It is deep, gentle, sweet, joyful, concerning, His heart for me is bigger than I could ever imagine! His smile tells me He is a proud Daddy of His children, and I can feel His embrace. Are there areas in your life that you isolate from Jesus? Are they just so ugly that you are telling Him "give me the chance to straighten up a little before I let you in here." Do you have CHJOS (can't have Jesus over syndrom)? I would encourage you to use the four "R's" that I describe in "Freedom...Do you have it" and go to your Daddy and tell Him you are ready for His love to fill you up. Even if you are not sure that you are ready to be vulnerable with Him (that was my problem) do it anyway (I did so I know you can) and I will guarentee that He will be so gentle and loving that you will weep with joy and He will give you the ability to love Him back. You can not earn His love, it is a free gift (isn't it nice to know that God shares our love languages with us...). I urge you now to turn off your computer and go to Him now and lay down your sword at His feet and let Him wipe away your tears. He will and you will be the better for it. Oh, and those places you would just like to straighten up a bit before He comes to visit, it is MUCH easier, and more fun, with your Daddy's help. |
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Jul. 18, 2006 - Untitled Comment
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Posted by Jul. 21, 2006 - God is using ur blog!!!
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