Jan. 31, 2007 - Pride goeth before a fall....
Okay, so I am going out on a limb here and telling the world (or at least it feels that way) that I truly DO NOT have it all together! Some reading my past blogs might think I have it all figured out or you might think that I think I have it all figured out. Well, not so my dear sisters, not so. I am far from having it all figured out. God just keeps pruning and pruning and then when I am thinking there isn't much more for him to prune he shows me another dead branch.
So what is this newly noticed dead branch, you ask? And how does one go about lobbing it off???? Got me on the second question, but the first I can easily answer. The new dead branch is one of distrust. I was raised in a home where the mind set exampled for me was "As a woman I must be strong and not depend on anyone for help. I must never show weakness. I am a woman and as much as it is okay for me to love a man I need not be dependant on one." Etc.
I first want to apologize to anyone who may have read previous posts on my bolg who thought "WOW! She is full of herself!" I never meant to sound prideful. I only wanted to share what God was showing me and doing in me. I am sorry.
Next, I would like to share more of what God is doing and how I am still trying to figure it all out. I try to write here once a month to keep my blog current and have come to this site more times this month not knowing what I was supposed to write. I had no words of encouragement or "wisdom" to offer. I now humbly come and say what has gone on in the past week.
God has shown me my distrusting heart, and that in this distrust I have feared his rejection as well as the rejection of others around me. I have not trusted that His love is unfailing but that, in many ways I have been striving to gain acceptance and love from Him. I still do not know what this trust looks like. I know that He is asking me to walk in the opposite spirit of this but I do not know what trust is. I was not trusted (even though I didn't really give reason to my mother to distrust me) as a kid or teenager. My siblings all gave reason. I was raised as I said above with not trusting others, especially those in leadership. I struggle trusting other women, people, even God.
I am in a trying season right now in which I MUST place my trust in God where the past could easily replay and it is not pleasant. But I hear Him calling to me to just trust Him in what He is doing. That He has it all worked out. I cannot see it. I am totally filled with anxiety over it. I do not want to go back to that situation in the past again. I felt left alone and abandoned by all around me, and by God.
So, I am following my own advice in previous posts, by coming against this attempt of the enemy to pull me into depression, self-pity, and the like. However I would greatly covet your prayers at this time that the Lord would give me a clear picture of what trusting Him looks like and that He would strengthen me to walk in it.
Thank you for letting me be real with you.
Blessings,
Patty T.
