All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him;
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all
All to Thee, my blessed Savior
I surrender all.

"I have learned to be content..."  Philippians 4:11

How many of us grew up singing and quoting this song and Scripture?  I did, for sure.  I meant it, too.  Every word of both of them.  I sang the song and quoted the Scripture from the depths of my heart.

Until the fire of testing came upon me.  Until it was time to prove the words.  I stood strong for a time.  A fairly long time, considering how weak I found that I really was as time marched on.  Then I sank, and sank hard.  Walking on rocks gets exhausting after a while, no matter how strong a person is.  I thought my roots ran deep, until I came to the end of my roots.

A few years ago, I decided to make my Scripture goal - "I have learned to be content in whatever situation I find myself in" (my paraphrase).  Little did I know at the time that the Lord had that goal for me also. 

Over the past five years, we have left Middle Class America (albeit the lower end of middle class probably) and traded it for near poverty.  My husband was laid off from his job and has yet to recuperate.  He has started an insurance business (due to being unable to find other employment) and we live on small monthly commissions and a night-time cleaning job, in addition to a few hours I put in at our church's office.  We have moved into a house half the size of where we were (from 2000 sf to 1000 sf which includes my husband's insurance office), have lost all savings including retirement, our van burned up on the side of the road so we took out a loan for another one that we could barely afford, we have no health insurance except for the two youngest children who are on the state's insurance plan for kids, and are simply existing from day-to-day financially at this point.

Here is an exerpt from my journal back in December, 2003:

"I try so hard to lay it at the feet of Jesus, but fear gets the best of me.  I live in a constant state of fear these days.  I had a couple of hours of actual happiness a couple of days ago.  It was such a strange feeling and I really enjoyed it!  I was thinking I was on the road to recovery after these last two years and was about to begin feeling happy again...I'm bummed again now and just can't shake it.  Why can't I trust??  Why can't I shake this fear that controls my life??  I'm so tired and weary.  It's taking too long.  I want that happiness back that I was beginning to feel.  It was so good.  I know deep in my soul that the Lord is there and with us and will carry us through - is carrying us through.  But I'm just so tired."

The end of my roots.  Controlling, paralyzing fear.  I have learned to be content?  Hardly.  I only thought I had.  I surrender all?  Not on purpose, no-sir-ree.  I wanted it all back.

Here is another exerpt from a few months later in August, 2004:

"Thank You, Father, that I am reaching the point of thankfulness to You for Your teaching, for growing me deeper and deeper in Your love.  Thank You, Father, for being more concerned with my character than my comfort.  Thank You, Father, for taking my control from me.  Through this I've learned to hand control over to You.  Thank You, Father, for helping me to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself in ~ because You are there in the midst ~ in control.  Thank You, Father, for helping me see that I have never had reason to fear, for You have always been my Provider, my Peace, my Comforter, even when I've not been so sure of it.  Thank You, Father, because it's finally getting from my head to my heart.  This could not have happened without trials to the point of despair, without learning to give up control, without learning to be content no matter the circumstance, without learning, through trials, to rest in You.  It's all about You, Lord, it's all about You.

More of You, more of You.  I've had it all, but what I need is more of You.

We have lost all monetary crutches, and have gained ~ You!  We have no resources left to rely on ~ but we have You!  Our assets have been cut in half, and we are left with You!  You are truly all we need.  Your faithfulness endures forever!"

What a change over just a few months!  What caused the change?  Well, I guess my roots grew.  The trials, even though I was still in the midst of them - and still am - had not consumed me.  They had helped me grow. 

Andre Crouch's words:

"Through it all, through it all, I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God.  Through it all, through it all, I've learned to depend upon His Word!"

Yes, I can sing those words now and know what they mean.  Because I've learned.  Have you ever noticed how Paul said, "I've learned to be content?"  Andre sang, "I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God...I've learned to depend upon His Word.

I still have my moments (as in last week's blog post).  Most days, I've learned, but I am also still learning...

Please don't judge me for my periodic lapses.  It continues to be hard, and harder still to continually present it as a prayer request to others in my circle who have heard it all several times before.  

"I have learned to be content..." is still my Scripture goal and will continue to be for a very long time, because it's a goal that travels a very long, hard road before the finish line of accomplishment can be reached.

I pray God's blessings on the road you're travelling today, too.

Paula