2 June 2007

My Dearest Friend-

You asked me to write how I am managing to stay above the emotional line of raising these children and so tonight I am setting to the task of at least beginning to do so.  It is difficult to sort out; so many facets, so many things coming together at once, but I will try to allow the Holy Spirit to use my words to bless you, too.

This has been years in the making, years of struggling with my own selfishness, my own drive toward accomplishing tasks rather than building relationships, years of sighing about the interruptions each child brings to me each day rather than embracing them as the most important features of my life.  Somewhere at some point, I came to believe that life must be smoothly run and annoyance free, filled with daily conveniences.  But that has never been nor will it ever be my reality.  It will never be your reality, nor any other human being’s reality. 

I had heard and nodded in agreement at great quotes like, “Life wouldn’t be so hard if we didn’t always look for it to be easy”, and “Be hard on yourself and life will be easier”, and I had even repeated them in my talks to MOPS and other moms.  But daily, I wasn’t living those truths.  I was still being dictated by what actually lay in the back of my mind unacknowledged but looming like an elephant in the parlor: If only (insert name, situation, annoyance, interruption) would stop interrupting me, I could get (insert task, project, list, accomplishment) done.

The fruit of my constant annoyance and frustration was a loss of joy in the journey, a loss of relationship with the children (oh! my poor children), and worst of all, a great chasm between God and me.  The really pathetic thing is that all of those tasks, projects, and lists don’t ever go away.  14 years into parenting, I am still doing laundry, still knitting, still cooking, still picking up after people.  And 14 years from now I will still be doing laundry, knitting, cooking, picking up after people…

But isn’t it just like our patient, loving, shepherding God to throw me several lifelines?  First, He kept me ever aware of my sin.  You know how I have cried out to God over the years to just take this sin from me?  To free me from my snippiness and outbursts of anger?  He has not lifted that struggle, but He has kept it ever in front of me.  He has not allowed me to stuff it away and pretend it doesn’t exist.  He has forced me to fall down before Him every single day and confess my struggle, before I even roll my body out of bed.

Secondly, He sent mentor after mentor, godly woman on the path after godly woman on the path, either in person or via the internet or CDs.  He has faithfully brought me to the very place I am now, but it has been a slow and painful process.  Still, I am so very, very thankful- really utterly speechless over this one when I realize how many women there are like us who would give anything to sit at just one godly woman’s feet.

And then as you know, several months ago He sent me Cathy Arndt.  I have never met her but watching her mother her children struck a huge chord in me.  We’ve talked about this- she manages her household, she doesn’t get emotionally involved, which means she doesn’t allow the frustrations and annoyances and interruptions to waylay her day.  Bingo!  I felt like the answer had somehow miraculously been given to me.  And it had, because our great God is ever faithful.

Before I get into how I am putting “management” into practice, I don’t want to miss the last tool God has used in me to help me change my whole approach to life.  Six months ago my brother Jeff sent me Mike Mason’s book Champagne for the Soul: Celebrating God’s Gift of Joy.  He didn’t send it for my birthday or for any other reason than that I mentioned I was lacking joy these days.  And while I’ve always been a Mike Mason fan, I have literally wept while reading this book.  Here’s the key for me:

“Happy times may come to anyone haphazardly, but if happiness is to be a part of the character, one must resolutely take hold of it.  One must choose joy, and keep on choosing it under all conditions, until gradually it becomes a habit, a self-sustaining reality.  Lives change not through having some colossal experience but rather by making small, hard, daily choices.”

So, here we are!  Choosing joy!  Every single day.  And these are the “small, hard, daily choices”:

1. As mentioned above, I am laying my sin area at the foot of the cross every single day.  I remember learning in BSF once that we don’t have to die to sin all the time, but I don’t believe it.  I need to approach the throne of grace every single morning of my life and acknowledge my weakness or else I find I don’t have the strength to fight it.  I lay it there at Jesus’ feet, and then I go on with the day.

2. I am not a natural smiler- not because I am unhappy, but because it isn’t a habit.  So I am retraining myself to smile all the time, even when no one is watching.  At first I felt silly, but now I am happy to say that not only is it becoming a habit for me, it changes my entire outlook.  In the midst of some crazy circumstance that would have formerly been a joy-robber for me, I am smiling.

3. I am making a conscious choice to eliminate anything from my life that interferes with the daily joyful management of my family.  If organizing an event for church pushes me back into my old habits, then that activity must go.  If answering the phone or checking my email comes at a bad time in the day, then the answering machine picks up and the email waits.  If commitments, classes, and activities outside of our home mean that I am unduly stressed or that I can’t even get the kids in the car without raising my voice, then I seriously evaluate whether or not those activities and commitments are worth it.  Our summer classes for the boys will be a huge test in this area for me, so I’ll keep you posted.  Feel free to ask me how I’m doing because I can always use the accountability.

4. I am actually thinking to myself at any given moment of the day, “Manage them.”  I literally picture myself staying “above” the circumstances.

5.  I am making a conscious effort to look each child in the eye when they talk to me or ask me a question.

There is nothing deep about what I am doing from day to day, but perhaps that’s why I am finding some success in changing what has been ruling me for far too long.  I cannot, will not allow the tyranny of the urgent to dictate my relationships with each child.  I want them to want to be in this family, I want them to know they are each loved uniquely and that no matter what they do, they still make me smile and still have intrinsic value, assigned to them by God.  But most importantly, I want them to want to be in God’s family, forever.  I want them to know joy in the journey, too.

And you, too.  I’ll be praying for you!

Love you always,