Oct. 19, 2008 Somethin' for Ryan
Since Ryan (Ryan S, not Ryan M. I doubt Ryan M would read my blog) has become one of my faithful readers, here's something for him:
See you at school, mah brothah! |
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Oct. 9, 2008 Woo! Craziness!
Miss Katie remarked that I haven't blogged very much recently. You might be glad about that.
It is an odd week. A very odd week. Yesterday, I was sitting in the college (yes, college) cafeteria with Joey, Joe, Ryan, and Donald. Joe was distracting Ryan while Joey was trying to pull Ryan's hair with a pair of pliers and Donald was throwing Ryan's unwanted pickles around using the tines of a plastic fork that had been pretty much demolished. Then Joey almost jumped out of his chair when he got zapped by my cell phone when he picked it up, and Donald stole Joey's phone while he was looking at mine, so Joey was trying to pick Donald's pockets to get it back... I laughed for an hour straight. Yep, that's my gang.
On a more serious side (*cough* Me? Serious?), I think I sang my highest note ever on Monday in Choir. And I can't tell you what it is, because... well... I don't know. It's the note that's above the little line thingies and there's kind of a line through it... Yeah, nevermind. I'll have to ask someone who actually knows about music. :-P |
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Aug. 20, 2008 Step one: Find a grenade...
Step 2: Pull out pin.
Step 3: Place grenade in you kitchen junk drawer.
Step 4: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Step 5: After the smoke clears, return to junk drawer. Try to pry out the junk that has now been loosened slightly by grenade.
Step 6: Give up and find a jack hammer.
Step 7: Since your parents won't let you bring said hammer in the house, try to find a chisel.
Step 8: The chisel is in the junk drawer. Try to pry it out with your bare hands.
Step 9: Find band-aids.
Step 10: Try to lubricate the junk with vegetable oil.
Step 11: Unfortunately, your mother found you.
Step 12: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Step 13: Return to drawer without oil.
Step 14: Ask your brother to clean it, but he won't without sufficient pay, which is an amount that should keep you in debt until your 67th birthday.
Step 15: Give up and have lunch.
You've completed that? See? It wasn't so hard, was it?
I'm at 6 and 7. You should be laughing by now, realizing that being at "sixes and sevens" is a British term for utter confusion. Which is about accurate, looking around at the kitchen, which I have pretty much covered with junk and/or destroyed. There's ink smeared on my hands and all kinds of fun. Good thing my keyboard is black! (No, Mom! I'm joking, I'm joking!)
Now. Allow me to describe how I clean junk drawers. I mean, what I posted up there is standard procedure for everyone, right? *Everyone nods* Right. This is what I do:
If it doesn't work, I pitch it.
If I don't like it, I pitch it.
If I see no need for it, I pitch it.
If I haven't seen it since the last ice age, I pitch it.
I put it straight in a trash bag, because if I were to put it somewhere to be donated, inevitably, someone will wander by and say, "Hey! That is cool! I think I could use that at some point before the next ice age!" and put it back in the junk drawer. It never fails.
I mean, why do we need 2,597 gel pens that don't work but look pretty? Exactly how many bent paper clips do we need? Why do we have receipts crinkled up in the corner? And do we really need a whole hamster cage in there? What about the world's biggest collection of pennies and ancient keys? 75 decks of cards that are all mixed together? NO! Be gone! All of you!
Everything other than that gets sorted into containers, color-coded, alphabetized, and thoroughly cleaned. Well, in my mother's fondest dreams. I do sort them (markers in one, pens in another, pencils in another) and put them back in a way that it will appear as though I thought for a long time about the placement of them.
And, now, if you will excuse me, I must get back to work. There are some things to take care of.
By the way, I never exaggerate. Ever. |
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Aug. 11, 2008 A comic (especially for Miss Laura) Jul. 30, 2008 The Best of The Punmaster's Palace
Miss Jocelyn sent me an email with ponderisms. I feel it is my duty to answer them as best I can. And, given the recently depressing topic (which has gone even further downhill since that post...), I am quite glad to distract myself. Thank you for your encouragement. Now I'm just really irked.
***
Can you cry under water?
Only if you're in the ocean. If you're in fresh water, the tears could upset the water system and you could be sued.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
How important does the media think they are?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in' . . But it's only a 'penny for
your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Taxes on thinking!
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
I don't reckon you'd get 'stuck' anywhere in Heaven.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
So you still get a square meal.
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
like every two hours?
They were the ones who had nannies and nurses for their kidlets and slept on the other side of the mansion. :-P
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
DUH! Because movies are DVDs and VHSs, and so you are inside the plastic/metal tapes and discs. When the regular TV displays your image, you aren't in a little black box or DVD. You're standing there on a radio wave, so, therefore on TV.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
Because they forgot to bring binocs and climbing gear.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Because no decent human being should eat toast! (I am against anything crunchy in the morning.)
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
I dunno, but Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, and no one understands how he could pick something that was already pickled. And not only that, but Moses supposes his toeses are roses, and we all know he supposes erroneously. Why doesn't someone tell him so? Heavens to Betsey! That poor ragged rascal running round and round the rugged rocks! Someone should stop him until we can find out why!
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
I sure wouldn't want to be the policeman who pulls them over...
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Because it would have ended the TV show.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
Some dogs just gotta be a little different.
If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
Getting there is half the fun. (Although Cayellis would say it's all the fun.)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know...
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
*sigh* Think of every movie with a moron in it. With the exception of Get Smart, isn't the moron always on the *bad* side?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn't. :-P
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
No, because Miss Jocelyn is sweet and amazing, and Miss Laura and Miss Katie should go meet her. She is a kindred spirit, not to mention my strange friend (inside joke having to do with the birthday card she sent me). :-D |
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Jun. 10, 2008 Man vs. Wild Jun. 6, 2008 Mom... All three of them?
In the tag below, I was asked to come up with seven statements about my mom. So I did. And I wrote them about my actual-real mom, Ruth.
But there are other people that I jokingly call Mom. There's Suzy, whom everyone knows already, I think.
Then there's Jody. Or JP as everyone around here calls her. Well, except me. I call her "Mom". She's funny; she's a little crazy; she's just all-around awesome. She's the egotistical, super-liberal history instructor at my college. And she will admit that she is egotistical. In fact, in her syllabus, she said, "And try not to leave class early. It doesn't do much for my ego." What other instructors have that? Very few or none, I reckon.
"Mom" thought that my brothers and I were just the cat's meow, so she 'adopted' us. It embarrasses David no end, Michael just rolls his eyes, and I think it is so much fun.
You should see the looks on people's faces when I say, "Hi Mom!" and she replies, "Hi Honey!" We don't look similar at all, for starters. So the students other wait until she's gone, and then they ask me very quietly, "Is she really your... mother?" No... :-P
On the subject of her being slightly crazy... Her class syllabus also says, "In case of confusion, come see me. I will try to add to it." Add to the confusion? Uh... thanks...
She's also known for always having a Coke.
I'm going to miss her this summer, but I will be back in the fall to haunt her with chocolate-covered dill pickles... Which actually aren't that bad... |
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May. 31, 2008 In honor of Jeff's wedding today...
PROGRAMMING JOKES! Hehe!
But first, congrats to Jeff (my childhood hero) for finding one of the most wonderful, beautiful, sweet, young ladies in the entire world to marry. :-) I'll fill you in on the wedding... well... after it happens. It's going to be amazing, 'cause if any of you know Jeff, you know it ain't going to be normal or traditional. :-D
From what I hear, it'll be closer to what I envisioned a full Makarian wedding to be (how nice of one of my loyal readers...). Anyhoo, enough blather.
Jokes:
A computer without COBOL and FORTRAN is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup or mustard. (John Krueger)
If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution. (Robert Sewell)
Using Java for serious jobs is like trying to take the skin off a rice pudding wearing boxing gloves. (Tel Hudson)
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. (Paul Ehrlich)
There's always one more bug.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. (Milton Burle)
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk? (Stephen Wright)
The computer is a moron. (Peter Drucker) (funny, I thought I came up with that one...)
And my personal favorite:
if(pot.coffee=EMPTY) {programmer->;brain=OFF}; |
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Does this happen to anyone else?
Whenever I eat a rice cake, it reminds me of Ewoks. For those of you who missed this most necessary part of your schooling, Ewoks are cute, fuzzy, little people/animals from the Forest Moon of Endor who shriek "Aah-ooo-ah" before jumping on Imperial Stormtroopers and smacking them with sticks. Anyway, Princess Leia gave what looks like a rice cake to one of them as a sort of 'token of friendship' when she got separated from the Rebels.
So, rice cakes remind me of Ewoks. And since they are cute, I'm happy about that. If rice cakes were to remind me of, say, the Noghri, Banthas, or Tauntauns, I would be slightly displeased.
Is there any food that makes you think of a story? Seafood soup will *always* remind me of Lord of the Rings (because Eowyn's not good at cooking). Watery grits remind me of my Lyric when she is in prison. The taste of straight apple cider vinegar reminds me of my Aren (uh, long story involving an assassin and Aren's over-hyper cousin).
Before I forget, a rant on the Lord of the Rings movies is coming soon. Your first clue as to what irks me: What did they do to the elves?!!*
(*No punctuation was abused in the making post; my punctuation pets Taavetti, Lillian, and Mildred are upset about the elves, too.) |
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Apr. 22, 2008 Writing Recipes... or not...
I don't share the original copies of my recipes. It's not that I'm selfish or anything, and if I were to type one up, you would understand. Actually... here's an example. This is what I'm making for dinner tonight, copied word-for-word:
Kidneys
Pintos, Black
Tom, Corn (drain)
Newman Cuis.
Didja get that? If you did... I would be amazed. The translation to English from Jennian is:
Taco Soup
Brown 1 pound of hamburger, add ~1T Southwest seasoning and onion powder. Put in crockpot along with 1 can each of Kidney beans, Pinto beans, Black beans, Tomato sauce, and Corn (drained). Pour one jar of salsa into a blender and puree until almost smooth*. Dump that in the crockpot. Heat. Devour.
*Certains of my family will not eat chunky salsa, so it has to be pureed.
See? If you look at the first one, I didn't mention the hamburger or seasonings at all!
I have no idea why I just posted that. *grin* Laura and Katie, does this type of recipe-writing look familiar in any way? :-P |
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Mar. 17, 2008 Telemarketers... and my brother...
We have caller ID, and we can obviously tell when a telemarketer calls. Well, one called a few minutes ago, and Jon and I decided we didn't want to answer it. Unfortunately, Jon picked up the phone and hollered in a high, squeaky voice: "PHONE DON'T WORK!" and hung up.
I... uh... am not related to this kid.
Really. |
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Mar. 16, 2008 *wipes tears of laughter from eyes*
Have I ever introduced you to my friend, Laura? She is amazing. She reads all of the things I write and will tell me point blank what she thinks about it, while everyone else says "That it's okay... You might want to think about this, though". She'll say, "Jen, anyone who says/does that would have to be a complete moron!"
Lately, she has taken it upon herself to teach me things. Like how to whine and complain like a pro. She claims I have no idea how to whine, and that my latest attempt to do so via email was pathetic. *grin*
So now she is writing up lessons for me so that someday I can learn to whine like a pro. Apparently the first lesson is free, but the rest will cost $50 each or four revised chapters of my book. Oh, and they'll be sent with or without my consent. A few minutes ago, I got the first lesson. I daren't say what is in the lesson (you'd have to sign up for them, you know), but we'll just say that Laura is amazingly brilliant. I am so blessed to have friends like her. :-)
Katie, you definitely have to ask her about the lessons sometime.
Oh, and this is off-topic, but I'm not at church because Jon is sick with something. |
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Jan. 17, 2008 I knew it...
So, now I have found out who my mortal enemy is. It's Mary! Yikes. However, as she pointed out, we are to love our enemies, as difficult as it may be. Therefore, sandwiches notwithsanding, here's a hug of friendship, Mary! (((Mary))) :-D
| You Are a Club Sandwich |
 You are have a big personality. It's hard for anyone to ignore you!
You dream big. You think big. And you eat big.
Some people consider you high maintenance, but you just know what you want... and when you want it.
Your best friend: The Tuna Fish Sandwich
Your mortal enemy: The Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich |
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Jan. 7, 2008 Dad's new favorite song...
Dad came home a month or so ago and told me that he heard this song on the radio. Just read the words of it. You parents will get a kick out of it, I think. It's Rodney Atkins' Cleaning This Gun. Here are the Lyrics*...
***
The Declaration of Independence
Think I could tell you that first sentence
But then I’m lost
I can't begin to count the theories
I've had pounded in my head
That I forgot
I don't remember all that Spanish
Or the Gettysburg address
But there is one speech from high school
I'll never forget
(Chorus)
Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me about yourself
So you like my daughter do you now?
Yeah we think she's something else
She's her daddy's girl
Her momma's world
She deserves respect
That’s what she'll get
Ain’t it son?
Hey y'all run along and have some fun
I'll see you when you get back
Bet I’ll be up all night
Still cleanin' this gun
Well now that I’m a father
I’m scared to death one day my daughter
Is gonna find
That teenage boy I used to be
That seems to have just one thing on his mind
She’s growin' up so fast
It won't be long before
I’ll have to put the fear of God into
Some kid at the door
(Chorus)
Now it's all for show
Ain’t nobody gonna get hurt
It’s just a daddy thing
And hey, believe me, it works
(Chorus)
Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me about yourself
So you like my daughter do you now?
Yeah we think she's something else
She's her daddy's girl
Her momma's world
She deserves respect
That’s what she'll get
Now ain't it son?
Y’all run along and have a little fun
I'll see you when you get back
Probably be up all night
Still cleanin' this gun
(spoken) Son, now y'all buckle up and have her back by te- let's say about nine...thirty.
Drive safe.
***
Hehe! Love you, Dad! :-)
*Hey, it just looks too weird to me for Lyric to not be capitalized. |
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Dec. 8, 2007 7 days of laundry makes 1 weak
Since people are without water and are coming to our house to wash clothes, I felt it appropriate to sing the 12 Days of Laundry. Also, people were asking to see the complete version. You are required to sing, because it's been stuck in my head all day!
On the first day of laundry,
This is what I found:
A thumbdrive and it still works!
By the second day of laundry,
This is what I've found:
2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the third day of laundry,
This is what I've found:
3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the fourth day of laundry,
This is what I've found:
4 store receipts, 3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the fifth day of laundry,
This is what I've found:
5 golden rings, 4 store receipts, 3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the sixth day of laundry,
This is what I've found:
6 bolts with washers, 5 golden rings, 4 store receipts, 3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the seventh day of laundry,
This is what I've found:
7 drownded watches, 6 bolts with washers, 5 golden rings, 4 store receipts, 3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the eighth day of laundry,
This is what I've found:
8 dimes and pennies, 7 drownded watches, 6 bolts with washers, 5 golden rings, 4 store receipts, 3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the ninth day of laundry,
This is what I've found:
9 magic markers, 8 dimes and pennies, 7 drownded watches, 6 bolts with washers, 5 golden rings, 4 store receipts, 3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the tenth day of laundry,
This is what I've found:
10 pocket knives, 9 magic markers, 8 dimes and pennies, 7 drownded watches, 6 bolts with washers, 5 golden rings, 4 store receipts, 3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the eleventh day of laundry,
This is what I've found,
11 missing socks, 10 pocket knives, 9 magic markers, 8 dimes and pennies, 7 drownded watches, 6 bolts with washers, 5 golden rings, 4 store receipts, 3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
By the twelfth day of laundry,
This is what I've found,
12 Lego bricks, 11 missing socks, 10 pocket knives, 9 magic markers, 8 dimes and pennies, 7 drownded watches, 6 bolts with washers, 5 golden rings, 4 store receipts, 3 paper clips, 2 dollar bills, and a thumbdrive and it still works!
*gasps for breath* Yep! There's the laundry song.
The great things about this song are a) You can get just about any laundry chore done by the time you're done with the song and b) You can sing it all year long!
The bad thing about it: Your friends and family might have you arrested for disturbing the peace if you sing it too much. The plus side of that is... You won't have to do laundry again! (I knew you moms out there would be thrilled at the idea!)
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Oct. 22, 2007 A "What-are-you-kidding-me?!" story of the day:
A little background. Dad is a firefighter in a city about an hour and a half's drive from where we live. He sees some funny stuff every once in a while. Yesterday we got an email from him with the subject line "This is one of the best!". So I open it and find this message...
"We go to a fully involved car fire. The lady driving it said she had been having trouble with the heater. The pile of briquettes she was using for a heater spilled over and caught the back seat on fire."
Yeah...  |
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Sep. 27, 2007 Something every mom will appreciate...
Where did I get this new bit of hilarity that you all are now so eager to watch? Yeah, you guessed it... It wasn't too hard, was it? YouTube. I promise that if you are a mom, kid, or ever were a kid in your life, you will like this. You may never think of the Lone Ranger theme music (*ahem* the William Tell Overture) the same way again. Enjoy...
William Tell Mom
Forwarding of this link is highly advised. |
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Sep. 10, 2007 Me + knitting = ?
I'm not a southpaw, like some people immediately think when they see me knit. Sure, I hold the yarn with the wrong hand and don't throw it, but that's what you get when no one teaches you to knit and you're on your own. Well, finally someone remembered the name of the technique I use. I'm a pick-knitter. I'm also a little bit of a perfectionist.
So... I'm the pick-knittin', nit-pickin' knit-wit. Can you say that 5 times fast? |
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