QuiverDaddy: A Father's Journey

The Husband as Help Meet

As your quiver gets fuller and fuller, you may begin to wonder how many children you were designed to accommodate.  Tough call since men and women are made differently.  Since us guys have some limitations, it's easy to fall into the temptation of delegating everything to a help meet.  I've learned over the years that isn't an effective strategy; you get to benefit from my mistakes and be the supportive husband you were meant to be.  Somehow, you have to accommodate the children in order to make time for your wife to download the burdens -- and blessings -- of the day.  You cannot speak in complete sentences until the children have been taken care of.  That's a part of being a supportive husband.

Yes, I said "supportive husband" more than once.  By now, I have half the men whining, "But I thought SHE was the helper", and we haven't gotten two whole paragraphs out.  Trust me that's not a record.  Suffice it to say that we have a role to play in helping our wives find their marbles when we come home.  In my never ending off and on effort to be that link to normal for my wife, I've discovered that a man is fully capable of accommodating up to six children.  Maybe more depending on the number of closets in your home.

The squeeze.  You can accommodate up to three children by moving six inches from whichever end of the couch is your favorite leaning post.  Take the one who had jumping beans for lunch and put him on the side where there is no arm rest.  The one who had wiggle worms for lunch goes between you and the end that has an arm rest.  He will have to squeeze in -- which is the reason this particular child gets this position.  The one who is well behaved gets your lap -- unless he's a teenager.  You can get as much as five minutes of quiet -- more if you have pillows on your couch. 

The stop, drop & roll.  You can accommodate all of the children with this family ritual.  This can work even if you do not wish to set fire to your house.  All you need is a working smoke detector, locking doors and a fire escape plan.  When you push the button on the smoke alarm (or set the house on fire), the kids should all dutifully go outside to the safe place, account for themselves and then practice the "stop, drop and roll" technique they learned from Officer Friendly or Fireman Mike.  While they're enjoying their fire drill, you and your wife can quickly go about the house locking the doors and windows.  Find the room where the air conditioning works and enjoy up to five minutes of sanity.  An average couple, speaking quickly can get as many as eight sentences worth of uninterrupted conversation with this trick. 

Go find the dog.  This one does not work as well if your dog is 80 years old (in dog years).  Yield: six children provided they have any affection for your best friend.  Take the dog off leash and open the gate to your yard.  When he has "gotten away", announce with some urgency that he must be found before the Animal Control people take him to the pound.  Be sure to have at least three possible directions the dog might have gone.  Give yourself 15 extra minutes of peace if you remember to let the dog in after the kids have headed out into the neighborhood to find him.

One Hundred Pennies.  A favorite of my wife's grandfather....  Accommodates up to six children.  Throw 91 pennies out in the yard and tell the kids to come back inside when they've found a dollar's worth.  I can already hear Rocky telling Bullwinkle this trick never works.  To be honest, I've never tried it but I have found the "dozen golf balls" version works nicely.  I got almost six minutes of peace -- enough time to find out why the youngest was missing a lens from his glasses.

Hug, Listen and Praise.  You can accommodate an unlimited number of children with this one.  Our research has shown you can get through an evening with at least some peace and quiet.  Imagine all the help you can provide your wife with lesson planning, budgeting, deciding which speaker to invite to her Mom's Night Dessert Binge & Curriculum Faire.... and still have time left over for Fantasy Football.  The trick is to hug each huggable child, listen carefully to all of them and praise the work they've done well.  Even the one who did a painting of a farm that looks like mostly sand and sky.  This trick isn't as easy to learn or practice as the ones above, but your wife will thank you for helping her find her marbles, and for the time you can now enjoy together because your quiver full has been attended to in a loving way.  You may even discover you love your children as much as you say you do.