....again.... It seems as if I might want to camp out in Chapters 3 and 4 for a bit. I've been mulling over these words, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on..." (Philippians 3: 13b-14a)
Life seems to be a journey in the desert right now. I've been comparing it to the 40 years that the Isrealites wandered in the desert before entering the promise land. While there are no pressing trials, there are still thorns from years of fiscal struggle poking unrelentlessly, and life seems stagnant...almost still. There's really no good option to pluck these thorns from our life, and yet I know they're there, and am reminded, at the most inopportune times, that they're there. It's a battle with an overpowering opponent and I'm given no obvious and immediate weapon. And despite it's potentially crushing weight I'm determined to live joyously and with victory.
So reading Paul's words encourages me to continue straining forward. The reality is that I'm not defined by these thorns, and that my Savior knows full well they are there. He's heard my prayers for victory for years. The greatest defeat would be living bitter, scared, sullen and resentful. At that point, my earthly trials would be trumping my eternal reward. Where is the vision of hope and future?
When the Israelites were wandering there had to have been a vision of hope. Hope that is less self-centered, but more generational driven. After all, only the new generation was allowed to enter Israel. What would be the goal of walking and wandering for them if it was only based on their own life? They'd never get the earthly reward. However, there children, and their children's children, and on and on - would reap rewards for their faithfulness. Of pressing forward, of obedience, repentance, and listening to the Lord.
Parallel that to my life, the vision needs to be not only mine, but also one for my children. A life vision rooted in the Lord. Living defeated and burdened by fiscal thorns that I can't attack now would, in a sense, rob my children of the parent that they need now. I've had to learn to let go, to forget, and press forward. Faithfully doing what I can to resolve issues, and if nothing can be done now, letting myself release any anxiety to the Lord.
I can't imagine how Paul felt. Here he persecuted the very people that He was now working to bring to Christ. I'm sure that it would be easy to allow guilt to plague his thoughts and slow his mission. Imagine the weight of his errors, the lives lost. And, yet, he allowed himself to move forward straining to a goal that is centered on Christ. This life is hard. I can truthfully tell you that. I've spent my share of time being angry and questioning the love the Lord has for me. And then, humbled by His amazing and undeserved love, I've been redeemed by His grace - not of me - but from Him. Despite all the trials, losses, and defeats He is still worthy of praise. And not just a wimpy voice, but a surrendered life screaming "ALLELUIA!"
So I press on. Enjoying my son's sixth birthday today. Laughing with my children. Praying to the Lord. Praising Him. Forgetting. And living a life of joy from Him.
Ahh...yes...the inevitable question that occurs AFTER I tell the stranger that I'm blessed with seven children. So often I'll be at the store with just Samuel, and someone will ask me if it's my first baby. Part of me hesitates for just a moment thinking that maybe I'll simply say yes, but then I'll reconsider and bravely admit that I am a mother of seven. And that I love it. And that I'm happy. And that I'm not crazy! After all, I'm walking around Target, with a Starbucks in hand, Levi Jeans on, and a big box of Pampers resting underneath a bulging cart. (I would think that might give a tiny clue to our family's size!) Anyways, typically after they find out my family's size they want to know how I handle it. Day by day. And I tell them, it's a day at a time, and my children, all children are a gift from the Lord.
Still, there are days when I want to throw my hands in the air and cry, "I give up." You know the days...days when the milk is spilled-twice, when there's marker on every wall, when that math concept just doesn't make sense, when the truck doesn't start, when there's absolutely no option for lunch, a new bill, etc... I've lived those days. I've lived through my dh's cancer treatment, through financial crisis, through other health crises, through new babes, etc...and yet, sometimes, the toughest days are those days filled with nitty-gritty, irritating, and yet wearing, problems. And those are the days where I've had to learn to surrender. I've had to give up my agenda, again, and look to the Father for guidance. Maybe it's not all that important that we complete that math page, but what is important is that I help my four year old wipe up spilled milk, give him a hug, and praise him for trying.
But how? When I'm in the midst of overwhelm it's so hard not to operate overwhelmed. Throughout the last several years the Lord has been teaching me that He is the priority. He's my breath...even in parenting. So I've started to pray throughout the day. I pray when Samuel cries, or the boys are fighting, or my teenage daughter is frustrated with Algebra. Do the problems go away? Most of the time not. But my inner mood shifts. It shifts to an attitude that is less dependent on self, and more dependent on serventhood. You see, I really believe that parents today are given a rare and special opportunity to raise a generation of children totally sold on Christ. Future men and women that are willing to be Kingdom Warriors. And training warriors takes work, time, and perseverence. It's a time of dying to self, and giving yourself to your children. There are moments when the last thing I want to do is read that phonics reader, and yet, I pick it up and relish the joy my six year old gets when he recognizes sounds. We live in a culture of self. That culture is so often shocked about the number of kids I have because it seems obvious that I don't get much self time. And, in reality, I don't...but that's okay. Someday these seven arrows living in my house will be gone. I desire to look back at the years that they were in my house as years where they remember their mother enagaged, active, and joyful to be around them.
So how does this relate to the "you have how many kids question?" I've been quite convicted to make sure that my answer and responses to the various family-sized questions is to ALWAYS be a light for Christ. And in that, I phrase my answers that children are blessings. I admit that there are hard days, but I also take time to encourage that young mom with two kids. Seriously, it was much harder when I only had my two little toddlers. So I let them know that, along with the importance of recognizing the great gift they are being given by being a mother to the children hanging off their cart. And I tell them (if they're still asking) how my large family is a gift from the Lord. After Todd's cancer treatment we were told that we probably couldn't have any more children. And the Lord has blessed us with two little boys....whose names mean "gift from God" and "the Lord has heard." He's really heard my heart these past years. The journey has been anything but straight, and yet, he's been the one directing my path. Man, if I had charted my path, life would have been so much messier. And probably without these little men to raise for Him. Alleluia to our Amazing Lord!
So whereever you are today...with many kids or just one...take time to look at your child through the lens of the Lord. You are the perfect and chosen parent for that child. Embrace that truth. Lift it to the Lord with gratitude and thanks. Pray to Him for wisdom and discernment. Simply pray.
And, if you run into me at Target some time, I hope that my cheerful countenance brings joy to your day. And, hopefully, you'll have some spare time to sit and chat with me in their Starbucks.
"You crown the year with your bounty; Your wagon tracks overflow with abundance. The pastures of the wilderness overlfow, the hills gird themselves with joy." Psalm 65:11-12
Before I begin, let me just let you know that we've had our seventh baby. Samuel Josiah was born on September 25, 2009 at 3:12 pm. He came into this world weighing 7lbs 8oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. He's a great joy, and our family loves him dearly.
It's October here in Minnesota, but if you were to look outside yesterday you might think it was mid-December. Snow blanketed the ground, and fell heavily from the sky. Trees still bursting with the brilliant colors of fall were ladened with sheets of white. The sky was gray, traffic slow. The season of winter encroached upon the oh, so short, season of fall. In fact, fall this year, has almost not existed. We've gone from a balmy September with temps in the 70s to October with temps in the 40s. If it wasn't for the spotty changes of colors on the leaves, and some leaves on the trees, I might think that fall didn't even exist. What happened to that season?
So often life seems to be in a season that we weren't expected for...or weren't prepared for. And, even if we are prepared for the season (like having a new baby), it has the potential to seem unrestful, out-of-place, or uncomfortable. Just like seeing orange leaves laced with white snow. And yet, the season, the journey where life is at the moment is the place where we are to live contented and full. Not easy. Especially if there are many difficulties or trials in that time. Or maybe there's not obvious trials, but instead life is a time of constant energy. Such as motherhood. Even as I've been writing, I've been interrupted. Numerous times. In the past, I'd find myself agitated and annoyed...can't they see I'm writing?...my heart would cry. But the Lord has slowly convicted me to lay aside my agendas and instead embrace his agenda, his season for me. And that, right now, is being an aware and attentive mother for my children. Getting up to make a peanut butter sandwich. Pausing to write down my five year old's adventure story. Explaining that algebra concept...again. It's a life that could be exhausting if I were to live on my own energy. But, I don't. Or, I try not to....
I was at a bi-monthly Bible Study on Sunday night and heard friends tell other friends how they were the exact mother needed for their children. It got the wheels churning in my head. How many times had I fought my role because I wanted to do something. Or I wanted the house spotless...so that I looked all together...and yet didn't respect and honor the hearts of my children in the process. Sigh. I became so convicted of the tendency I had to look beyond the current season of my life. Which, quite frankly, is extremely busy. If I focus on the "me" aspects of the movement it's easy to become bitter, exhausted, and discontent. If I allow myself to embrace this life, right now, then there are moments of joy, gratitude, and yes, peace. Peace in the midst of chaos. Moments of silence as I nurse my 18 day old baby, while snuggling my two year old. Calmness as we drive in the car over rolling hills, still showing remnants of snow, to dance.
I always thought that I knew the plans. Instead, I've begun to learn how to "find joy" in places in life that I thought could only be painful, or stale, or tiring, or calm. Joy isn't from me. Joy is a gift from our Father above. And, in fact, for me, true joy can only be found living in the present. It's in living in the season and being open to the gifts and blessings that the Lord has before us. It's all to easy to check out and look to the next stage in life, but remember, the stage where you are right now has nuggets of joy. This truth, is a truth that I need to reming myself of constantly. It is just too easy to allow the frustrations of the moment to rob my heart of the blessings found in that very moment.
Last year, on December 31, I prayed for a verse for this year. And yes, that's the very verse that started my entry. I really wanted to pray and ponder an entire verse for a year. Listed below is that very verse once again. Enjoy, and reflect upon the profound truths wrapped within the psalmist words. And, in fact, I encourage you to pray them for your day where ever your journey is...even in the wilderness...because as you read, there is joy to be found there.
"You crown the year with your bounty; Your wagon tracks overflow with abundance. The pastures of the wilderness overlfow, the hills gird themselves with joy." Psalm 65:11-12
I was so faithful with blogging early this year, and yet I seemed to have vanished. Ah, yes, I could blame it on a busy life, or being newly pregnant (back then...now I only have a little over 10weeks to go), or homeschooling, but those aren't legitimate reasons. I stopped because I felt convicted to stop. You see, my blog was about "finding joy" and yet my blog was in some ways robbing me of daily joy. I was writing about joy, about life, and yet not truly living. Not letting go and sitting by my toddlers and simply basking in the excitement of their happiness. Or listening to my older daughters describe the complexities of beauty found in ballet. I was writing, yet not living.
So I stopped. Suddenly, and without explanation. I had this strange guilt about not writing. I'd see comments pop up, but avoided going to my blog. I needed to think. To pray. To ponder. What was the intention of blogging? Was it to the benefit of my family?
Tough, tough, tough questions. These were questions I knew I needed to answer, and I knew they needed time. And after months of reflection I realized that in order to blog I need to prioritize it into my day and life. It cannot be something that takes away from my family. It needs to be carved into the niches of my life. And, it cannot, on any circumstance take away from the time spent at my Savior's feet. You see, I think He was truly speaking to me during these months. I felt challenged to let go of the "blogger identity"...you know the identity that could so easily be wrapped up in number of followers, or comments, or awards, or web-design, or...on and on. Instead, my identity needs to be solidly in HIM. First. And then my family. These unique individuals are gifts given to my by our Father. Gifts that only have a certain amount of time spent here, under my wings. I was to refocus my lens, again. Once that became resolidified in my mind did I begin to realize that I was missing my time writing. And, yet, I still waited. I wanted writing to be a time of blessing. A time that I knew would be spent wisely. I am to be a steward of this time, this gift. And in the waiting did I begin to discover that writing has begun to reignite joy in me. Ahh...the Lord is good!
So I'm back. Who knows if there are still followers. And you know, I'm okay with that (although I do have many friends here!)...I'm going to write to write. And hopefully encourage.
My eldest daughter, Hannah, is quite talented in webdesign. I am thinking that I will have her design a blog template for me. I'm also mulling over the direction of the blog. I'm thinking that once a week I'll blog specifically about my journey with our gracious Lord. And then during the other days I'll write about life. A life with soon to be seven children. A life that doesn't match the life society thinks that many should live. My life. There's laughter and tears. Hopes and dreams. But still, in every thread that is cast is the unbelievable faithfulness of our Lord.
So with that....I say, "hello" to you all again. And, in case anyone was wondering this new baby is a boy. So that makes us 3girls, 4boys. And, yes, all the boys will be six and under. That, in itself, should make for some interesting posts!
For the past week the skies have been overcast. The sun, while still underneath the cloud's blanket, seems to be a thing of the past. My three year old, confused, will ask me, "momma, is it really morning now?" because there has been no cheery morning sunshine lighting his room.
The lack of the sun wears us out. Moods seem a bit shorter, and tiredness has crept into my family's day. My five year old moaned this morning because it was "yucky" outside again today. The days creep by, and we all seem a bit more agitated. Exhausted. Where is the light?
It's become difficult to manage time these past couple days. I've been excessively busy with outside commitments (which I discussed in the previous post), and on top of it, have been trying to deal with the fatigue that I feel when I don't get my daily vitamin D source. But, despite the physical tiredness, I feel mentally alive and alert. And that is not from myself, that is from the Father. When He fills me with His hope and Word, then I can move forward alive and full of life.
There are seasons where everything is dark and dismal. Perhaps it's finances, or a relationship, or health, or just general exhaustion with life. During those times if the only source of strength is self - then I became quickly discouraged and as Brennan stated "yucky." Still it is difficult in the midst of trials to look beyond the present reality and set of circumstances. Society and human nature can apply pressures to our lives at an unrelenting pace. After awhile, our view of the future can be tainted a dismal and cloudy gray.
Come unto me, all who labor and are heavy, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you wil find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30
In the NIV I believe labor is replaced with the word - weary. Oh, how true those words of Jesus are for us today. As wives and mothers, we labor endlessly. Our work doesn't cease when the skies of life become overcast, no...we press forward. And yet, after awhile, the yoke of the world wears us out. We allow the agitation of reality to sink into our souls. There is no rest when our spirit is overcast!
Jesus tells us to come to Him. In Him is true rest. I always chuckle when I think about a yoke being called easy. When is it easy to be constrained? But, when I read these words I don't picture life with Jesus being constrained...rather in yoking myself to my Savior I imagine and know that there is real freedom. Freedom in the midst of overcast and weary days.
Who knows when the skies here will finally part and the sun will shine. I know it's under there, waiting to shine. I have faith that there will be sun again. I also have faith that our Savior is always there, wanting us to release our fears and anxieties to Him and that He will give rest. A rest that cannot be found in self or in this world, but a rest that is sweet and peaceful...in any weather.
This last week has slipped away from me. I've been in time, and yet I've seen the days move by...faster and faster. As hard as I try to utilize every moment of time, I still find myself short, wishing that for more time.
What is it about time? How can I need more time in my day? What's interesting about that is that our Lord gives us 24 hours of time. Each day. Not a minute more, not a minute less. And yet, here I am, yearning for more time to complete everything. But, then again, what's everything?
I've begun to realize that perhaps there are items on my busy plate of life that don't need to be there. On the surface they look great, they are service projects, they are my own projects, and yet they are contributing to the ever-increasing anxiety in the lack of time in my day. When I ponder the type of mother and wife that I desire to be, the type that the Lord would desire, I do not conjure up an image of a woman who is frazzled and frustrated over the lack of time.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
Proverbs 31:25
Laughs at the time to come? When do I laugh when I ponder my week ahead? All too often, as I look at the various schedules and duties that are penciled on my calander overwhelm fills my spirit. When overwhelm is allowed to reign, then strength and dignity cannot be worn. So where do I, and other women, adopt and wear strength and dignity? For the last week, as my time raced by, I thought about time. I thought about blogging, about my duties, about mothering, about being a wife, about work, and about my dreams. The importance of a Godly hierarchy of time became apparant. It is way too easy to allow "good things" and obligations to overtake time.
What I began to realize is that my family needs to come first in my time structure. First, after my relationship with the Lord, of course. When I allow my own needs and desires to outpace the needs of my family, I find myself out of balance, out of sync. Now mind you, the needs of my family include structuring time for myself to plan and recharge. What I say "yes" to needs to work with our family structure. Will it cause anxiety as we leave? Will I have to take away needed time from them to pursue this option? These questions need pondering before a new commitment is added to my plate. I desire that our home is a sanctuary, a place of needed rest and learning. I know that living under the pressures of an over-scheduled life will not allow my family life to be calm and nurturing.
My life, right now, is in a place of transition. Many things are shifting, rearranging. Some are amazing blessings, and some things are quite difficult. This last week, when I didn't blog, it was an intentional choice. I am grateful for all of you continuing to check in on my blog. I knew that I needed to reserve my time for my family. However, blogging is an amazing way for me to journal my thoughts and gain some clarity. And, because of that, it is structured into my weeks. My goal is to write 2-3 times/ week. I'm hoping that when I do that you are blessed by my words.
Can I challenge you to look at your schedule, your use of time? So often we move at such a hyper pace, that our robes are not of strength, but rather of slavery. The Lord has blessed us with 24 hours each day. What are you going to use your gift of time, of a day, for? And what robe will you clothe yourself with? I pray that your use of time, and mine, allows us to wear strength and dignity.
Today, I'm going to do something a bit different. There are several topics that I'm eager to write about, but I'm going to wait on them. Yesterday, my oldest daughter, Hannah, wrote a post on her blog Random Musings that I thought was amazing. I chatted with her a bit and asked if I could repost her article on vessels over her. I've got her permission, and now you too, will be able to get a glimpse into her heart.
Remember when Jesus told the disciples to let the children come to Him? I really believe that children, or in my case my young adult/almost teenager daughter Hannah, have wisdom in them. Their view of the world isn't jaded like ours, and because of that their connection with our Father can be deeper, without all the hang-ups that we adults add. What's sad for me is that I don't take enough time to listen to them. So often, when I really listen and try to understand, I am amazed at the nuggets of truth that comes from their hearts.
Enjoy Hannah's article. I love that she took "being a vessel of Christ" and switched it up a bit. And, if you'd be so kind, would you pop over to her blog Random Musings and post her a comment of encouragement? I know she'd appreciate your words. Oh, one more thing...Hannah...I am really proud of you, and proud to be your mom.
An interesting thought appeared to me the other day, I pondered it for awhile and felt that it would make a good blog post...
If we are to be Vessels of Christ, then what are we going to carry on our ship? And who's going to steer?
Today's world is immersed in a culture of ungodliness and sin. We are surrounded by temptations and evil thoughts and desires. The world strives to make us like it, to make us enjoy sinning, and to sin often.
Picture the world as a giant ocean, and everyone who lives in it [the world, now a giant ocean] as a boat. There are all sorts of boats, large ones, small ones, ornate ones and disheveled ones. They all run their courses, they are all unique. But some are dirtier than others. Some carry rotten cargo; others carry filthiness and disease. And some of those boat's crew's are unskilled; they are beginners and they do their ship more harm than good.
Is that the kind of cargo and crew you want on your ship?
That analogy seems to fit for all human beings. We are all different, yet sometimes we carry bad cargo.
When I speak of an unskilled crew, then I am talking about all of our different emotions. We may not always have control over them, and therefore we let our "crew" (our emotions) tamper with our boat and harm it. Our rotten cargo could be things that we see, ungodly thoughts, or something we say. The slightest hint of rottoness will turn other boats' away from yours. The slightest perversity and vulgarity will seek to dirty your soul.
So how do we clean up our cargo and crew? How do we make our vessel pure again? How do we purify ourselves as human beings?
To begin with, reading God's word is an absolute must. Proverbs 2:1-5 says:
"My son, if you recieve my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
2 making your ear attentive to wisdom
and inclining your heart to understanding;
3 yes, if you call out for insight
and raise your voice for understanding,
4 if you seek it like silver
and search for it as for hidden treasures
5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God."
How true...how very true. If you truly try to learn from reading the Bible, then you will learn. Maybe not as fast as you'd like, but still.
Also, it's important to watch what you do, say, see, hear and speak. The song "Slow Fade" comes to mind as I type these words. It really is important for us as Christians to watch what we are doing and what sort of life we are living. If you recognize a pattern of iniquity after you do or hang out with someone, then stop. In the long run, our faith is much more important. We need to be careful, we need to watch out for traps set by the world.
One last thought; we've talked about our "crew" and "cargo" but, who's steering? I think it only appropriate to link to one of my mom's posts about this, she voices it perfectly. To read it, click HERE.
I hope that from now on, all of you *gestures to anyone reading this* will watch what's going on with your "cargo" and "crew" and especially who's steering.
My idea for this week's Wednesday's Walk came to me last week. I knew that last week I was to write about Todd's grandmother. In the process of writing, I went through some old photographs on my computer. And I came across a couple of my little Elijah last February when he was in the hospital. He was there because he had a severe case of pneumonia as a complication from getting influenza.
I'm sure that picture popped to me attention because Elijah has once again been fighting pneumonia. Thankfully, he is older now, and I am more insistent for treatment. He's almost back to his excited and normal self. We had a couple of rough days, but overall his breathing is almost back to normal.
Elijah in the hospital 2/08
But that's not my memory. My memory is about when I was in the hospital with him, but doesn't really involve him. It is about the power of the words, "Thank you." You see, Elijah, since he had influenza which is highly contagious, was quarantined in his room. And so was I. Anyone that entered the room had to put on full garb...scrubs, gloves, mask, hair net, etc... We'd easily fill the garbage can each day. Well, every couple of hours I would hear the food cart and food service individuals coming through the pediatric floor. Since I was nursing Elijah, the hospital provided food for me. I quickly discovered that these workers had to don all the gear...everytime...in and out. So I decided to meet them at the door. They were stunned. And then I told them, "thank you." Many, many times. And they were even more stunned. One of the workers, a very sweet lady, told me that many times they aren't acknowledged at all. And that people are often short with them. I am sure that this is a very hard floor to work. There were many ill children, and many sad parents. And these individuals are around sadness and sickness daily. What a hard job.
When I uttered my little thanks, these people were grateful. This is their job, and they are serving me. They deserve thanks. A smile, a helping hand. I am thankful that there was someone to bring me food every day. I didn't want to leave Elijah's side. The thought of going down six floors to the cafeteria was not appealing. So they brought me food. And I am grateful.
So often, as we are caught up in the busy schedule of life, it can be easy to overlook those around us. The cashier at Target. The barista at Caribou (who I know well...grin). The mailman. The janitor at Costco. The waiter. Common courtesy and kindness tends to be set-aside as we scramble through our daily lives. But what would happen if we took a second, and that's all it would be, and said, "Thanks." Looked the cashier in their eyes and truly thanked them. Wished them a good day. I certainly know that there are times where I forget to be cordial. But, I've also been in a service position. I've dealt with crabiness, or aloofness, or in some worse the type of attitude that looked down on me. It was awful. I'd remind myself to not take it personally. But sometimes I did.
Lately, I've been realizing how I need to be setting the tone for my children. It's essential to nurture the power of THANKS in them. I've taught them to thank their ballet teacher at the end of class. They tell their grandparents thank you for the visit. Simple thanks go so far: for the librarian after she helps them find a book, or the greeter at church, and even to their siblings. Thank you's are powerful words. Who knows just how important that second of thanks will be for the person on the receiving end. When I read Proverbs I am daily reminded of the potency of our words. For example, a favorite around our home is:
"Pleasant words are a honeycomb sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."
So with that I want to thank you, my faithful readers. Hopefully this post was encouraging. Think of how we can be lights in this world simply by being grateful. You know, I am grateful for you. I appreciate every single comment, and read them all. May you all be blessed. Please remember to visit Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground for more memories. You'll be thankful you did! One more thing...if you're looking for another interesting memory with insight be sure to read my post from yesterday called how come you always put the peanut butter on first? You'll get a laugh...as well as a peek into my heart!
how come you always put the peanut butter on first?
WHAT? How come I put the peanut butter on first? This morning, as I was making my five year old, Brennan, a sandwich, he looked up at me and asked me about the peanut butter. As I stood there with a knife ladened with peanut butter, I froze at his question. I didn't know what to say. And more than that, I had never thought about why I put the peanut butter on before the jelly. I've just always done it that way.
So I told him that I didn't know and that's the way I always do it. And he told me, "maybe you could try to do the jelly first sometime?" Again...I was stunned. Do the jelly first? How does that work?
And then I got to thinking about blogging and how this little interaction was worthy of a blog post. You see, putting the peanut butter on first is a habit. Not only is it a habit, but it is one that I don't ever think about why I do it. Certainly in the scheme of life it's a little thing, but my innocent five year old's comments allowed me to ponder choices and responses. Think about this: there are good habits and habits that need to be re-examined. A good habit would be daily waking up and giving over the day and anxieties to our Lord. A bad habit, for me, would be sitting down at the computer in the morning and frittering away time, and then starting late and allowing my own lack of time management set the tone for the day. In that instance, I need to re-evaluate why that pattern is one that I follow.
Patterns and ruts in our minds are sometimes difficult to identify. The first step is recognizing that they are there...similar to the analogy of chipping away at the snow in my previous post hard, hard work . The patterns and responses are all there imbedded in who we are as individuals. A response that I'd love to change in myself is instantly feeling irritation when my kids fight. (I know, I know there goes the illusion that my family is perfect...:) ) Anyways, I will hear yelling or annoyance or "MOM" from them and I instantly can feel the hairs on the back of my neck raise. So I started to examine this response. After all, it is an emotion to a situation, it isn't me as a whole, it's just an emotional response to the stimuli of fighting. The first thing I discovered is quite humbling. I am annoyed because part of me doesn't want to be bothered at that moment. I don't want to have to get up from the computer or reading or cooking or etc.. (which I've had to many times throughout this post), I don't want to have to deal with consequences, I simply want to keep my time to myself. The second response, after the initial annoyance, is that I am tired of dealing with the fighting. But, still, it surprises me that my first line of reasoning was, in fact, a bit selfish. I am the mother. Yes, they should work on getting along and patience, but I am also the one that should be there guiding them, leading them.
So, now what? I've identified the response, but how do I change it? Well, after prayer and thought, I've realized that I need to work on creating a new response to this situation. And that involves work. It's not easy to change a habit, especially one that is ingrained into who we are as a person. I decided to come up with a strategy for my response to fighting. First, when I hear the arguing, if I feel irritation creeping in I take that and give it to Jesus. I'll take the annoyance and ask Him to replace it with gratitude, wisdom and patience. Gratitude? Yes...thankfulness that He placed me as their mother. I need wisdom. That will remind me to get up and deal with the situation. And finally, patience in spirit for me...so that when I am handling the scenario I can have a heart that is understanding and loving. I also decided to have a conversation with my children. If they are going to expend time arguing, then there will be a consequence. Typically it involves extra chores. I also discussed that they need to give me time to respond. Yelling MOM over and over will not make me move faster. For those that can count, they need to give me to the count of ten to respond.
Am I perfect? Absolutely not. Even in the course of writing this I've had to battle this pattern. But now, I am aware that this is an old responces, and now I have implemented ways to counteract reacting this way. It's so easy to go through life on auto-pilot. We dash here and there, we shout out answers, we are busy. My encouragement for you is to look at your life and to identify patterns of your own. Do you have any "peanut butter on first" responses? The Lord is good, He will help you discover them. And more than that, with Him you can develop a new pattern. And maybe, it involves putting the jelly on first.
"But I say, walk by the Spirit,
and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh."
Galatians 5:16
Blessings,
Rachel
oh...sorry about the length between posts. I've really tried to be diligent in posting, but these last several days slipped away from me. My little guy, Elijah, was diagnosed with pneumonia last week, and several other of my children came down with bad colds. Thankfully, this morning, I really can tell we are on the upswing.
Finally! Today I gathered all the entries to My Blog Giveaway and wrote them all down, put them in a cup, and had my sweet three year old, Caleb, draw one out. Very, very scientific. At first he drew them all, and then I told him, "only one, Caleb...only one." And so he took one out and gave it to me....and the winner is.....
DAWN!
I have had the honor of meeting Dawn last spring at a MOMYS retreat. She is an amazing woman, who has the utmost trust in our Lord, and lives her daily life with great hope and joy. If you read her entry (posted below) you will see the daily struggles that she deals with...and I yet I rarely hear her complain about her trials...rather I constantly see her bring them to the throne of Jesus asking for His glory. Blogging readers, would you add Dawn to your family prayers? And would you take a moment to sign her caringbridge page? I know you will be blessed in the time that you spend reading about her family, and her faith.
I'm not sure if this is what you are looking for, but through the ups and downs of our children's medical condition's, the Lord has used music to minister to me.
Early on in this journey, the song "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns really spoke to me. It seemed we were facing storm after storm and it was a reminder to praise Him in the midst of them. After a while of storm after storm, I heard the song "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. I listened to the words and though what a powerful testimony it was. But I couldn't sing it.
I justified it. I told the Lord time after time - "I have enough rain! I don't want any more, but I will praise You in this storm." Still, I kept hearing the song.
I can't tell you exactly which day, but there was a point where the Lord spoke to me in that still, small voices asking me if I trusted Him. Would I surrender to His will? It was one thing to say that I would praise Him in our circumstances (storms), but still another to surrender fully to Him and tell Him that I would accept any rain he sent - if that's what it took to praise Him.
I surrendered. And I have cried out that song to Him in prayer over and over and over again. Now,it is the ringtone on my phone when a doctor's office calls. It reminds me, before I even hear what the doctors have to say, to prepare my heart for whatever He may have in store. "If that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus, Bring the Rain!"
My journal about letting go, seeking Christ, choosing to believe, resting in faith and how that integrates with daily life. Life with now six beautiful children, one devoted husband, and myself with all of my dreams.
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Posted by Dawn (71.74.176.71)
