Oh, friends, I cannot begin to describe the intensity of the trial I am embedded in at this moment.   The pain is raw, and like fire on a scorched plain looking for areas to devour.  And the hardest part is that I am working on releasing "it doesn't matter."  How can it be that at the very moment that I work on letting go of a falacy, a false pattern, that I am ambushed?  Attacked.  Burdened.  Every cell in my body wants to revolt, to panic.  I feel the anxiety that desires to course throughout myself.  The pounding of my heart.  The fear.  But, I HAVE DECIDED, that in this moment, and the moments to come that I WILL STILL CHOOSE TO BELIEVE.  Do you hear that?  I AM BELIEVING.  God is good, He is who He says He is.  I don't know why I have to struggle with finances.  I don't understand why cancer entered my home.  I do know that God will not let me down.  He will hold my hand.  He will calm even the fiercest storm. 

I keep hearing, "Do you trust me?  Do you really trust me?"  Boldly, and with some nervousness, I say, "YES."  I vowed to proceed forward, to answer His call for my life.  Nothing will stop me from listening to His voice.  For it is the same voice that soothes my ragged soul.  His tender mercy, His love, His faithfulness. 

Simpy Believing.  What a title for this online journal.  Believing is and isn't simple.  It is simple in stating, "I believe, " but a challenge to truly stick out those words.  Believing means choosing to not let anxiety and fear dictate my responses.  Believing is looking to God and His principles despite what the world tells me.  It is choosing to believe His definition, and refusing to allow any other label attach.  It is being willing to hope, even when the word hope seems wrapped in irony.  It is deciding to not look at so and so and allowing my mind to conjure up ideas about how their life is perfect and mine is intolorable.  It is in believing that the words, "Blessed are they who mourn," are true.  It is really living, being "awake",  even when you don't know what tomorrow, much less the next hour, will bring.

My dear, dear friends.  I thank you for journeying with me.  For encouraging me when I felt I had no energy to go on.  Thank you, and bless you.  I come asking for prayers, yet once again.  Pray that Todd and I can MOVE forward in this life.  Pray that any generational bondages can be broken.  Pray for freedom.  Pray for calm.  We have been in a storm much longer than this last year, much longer than cancer.  I know that God is guiding us through, I know that He is polishing our character, and preparing us.  But, my friends, I am tired.  I am growing weary, my body groans for times of peace, of healing.  Pray that God hears those pleas, and that He answers swiftly.  I will not change courses.  He has a plan for our life, and I, with His blessing, will follow.  I just need relief.  I need space to breathe.  He has been so good to me.  I look at my life and know that He kept my "boat" from capsizing.  I haven't drowned.  I have swallowed a great deal of water, but He keeps pulling me to the surface.  But now, IT IS TIME FOR THIS STORM, THIS CYCLE, TO END!   Time for me to move boldly into His ministry, His plan.  Time for my children to witness His power, His healing.  Please join me in prayer.  Please ask those around you to pray, and ask them to keep spreading the need for prayer.  It is only through Him that victory can be found.  Praise Him!  He is worthy of all glory and praise!