I can't figure out a title for this post.  Normally, I sit down, type a title and start journaling.  However, I can't think of a title.  I know that I should journal, that I should blog, and yet I can't think how to begin.  Isn't that ironic?  In life there are end destinations that we want, we know the path, yet beginning seems complex.  How do we start?  How do we move on when we don't know how?

Lately there have been events in life that have left relationships unsettled.  I've been doing hours of self-examination.  Hours of prayer and trying to understand how to move forward in life when where I am starting is a place that is, well, uncomfortable.  Does that even make sense?  It's almost as if I have been given a map with directions, yet the directions are starting from the destination.  Or almost to the desitination. 

Both Todd and I have been really praying about purpose and passion in life.  As I had blogged previously (can you believe it has been that long?) I've had increasing clarity with regards to the value of time.  We only have one life to live.  And in that life there are a set number of hours, days, minutes, and even seconds.  Not one more, not one less.  Those precious moments need to be guarded.  I am to be a steward of my time.  Just as I train my children to be a steward of their possessions, I also need to train them and myself to be a steward of the time the Lord has given me.  When the time is gone, this earthly life, this time will be finished.  How do I want to live?  Do I want to spend my life on this earth in places of bitterness, anxiety, anger, or despair?  Despair and bitterness.  What fruit do they produce?  When I look at my time, in order to guard it, I need to keep my emotions in check.  If bitterness creeps in, it needs to be snuffed out.  How sad it would be to use up time wallowing in despair.  Now, please keep in mind that despair is different than sadness and grief.  There is a time for sadness, a place for grief.  But, if left unchecked, again life can cease to move.  Instead of being productive, I become stuck.

Life has certainly taught me that there truly is not much that is certain.  When Todd was diagnosed with cancer people would ask me, "why? why would this happen?"  I don't know.  Is there an answer to why?  Truly?  I could spend time desparately searching for an answer for why...and yet never come to an answer.  Do I know the results of his next screening in May?  No.  What I do know is that I have time now.  Time with him.  Time with my children.  Time with my friends.  And this time I want to spend living wise, living joyful, living as the daughter of the King.  My King, Jesus. 

It's interesting that when I look at time as a precious commodity I undergo a paradigm shift with regards to daily living.  No longer is it a chore to make dinner, rather a joy, an honor.  I enjoy my children much more.  Their laughter, their tears, their joys, and their sorrows.  God has gifted them to me for a time.  I desire to be a steward and use that time to His glory.  It's also quite convicting to me with regards to how I spend my day.  Am I using this day wisely?  Or am I allowing externals to dictate my mood and my time?  It's difficult to recognize that there are situations in life where no is the answer.  I tend to like everything to be fixed, as if in a nicely wrapped present.  But, there are also moments, times, in life where there is no neatness, no present.  And in that mess, I still need to be wise.  My children are young...once.  That is it.  There are no do-overs, no back tracks, nothing.  This is their childhood.  I want them to remember their mom as engaged and joyful.  If I allow events and negativity to creep into my demeanor then that in turn creeps into my children's day.  No longer is the atmosphere in my home that of joy, but rather anxiety.  And what I've discovered is that I need to intentionally examine how my time, and thus where my thoughts and energies are placed. 

About two years ago, a counselor friend of mine discussed the story of Joseph with me.  He asked me, "how did Joseph keep himself moving, himself motivated, while in the pits of Egypt's dungeons?"  I remember thinking how in Sunday School the length of time that Joseph spent in jail is truly never discussed.  Wasn't it like twenty years?  Can you imagine?  What I learned that day was that Joseph had faith in a future that didn't match the present reality.  He believed, he had faith...knowing without seeing...that he had a purpose beyond the cell.  Do I think every day was easy there? Absolutely not.  But, I do believe he had faith in his calling.  Faith to rise in the morning.  Faith to continue believing.  Living conscious of time is living in faith for me.  Even though my life is difficult now, I have faith in my future, and because I have faith I desire to live to the fullest today...thus cherishing and valueing the time my Lord has blessed me with. 

Friends, my prayer for you is that you are aware of the great gift, the commodity of time that our Lord has blessed you with.  I pray that you recognize if you are wallowing in places where you shouldn't. And then, that you are able to redirect your energy, refocus your time. 

I wish I could tell you that I would be this once a week blogger.  I've been praying for quite a while about journaling and wasn't even sure if I should continue blogging.  But, lately, I've felt as if it is important that I do journal...it helps process the stuff inside.  So, in that spirit, thank you for being willing readers of a sporadic blogger!

(I've figured out my title....It's about Time...)

Blessings to you!

Rachel