First off, I am simply humbled to be named Homeschool Blogger of the Week. My blogging journey started three years ago under difficult circumstances. In the winter of 2005-2006 I began journaling on Caringbridge about my husband's cancer treatment. What started out as an update journal developed into an indepth and very real heart shot of me and my relationship with God. There were many questions, much rawness, and throughout all of it I began to feel the hand of God in the midst of a turbulent time. My journal began to be read by others, others who, like me, were caught in a life that made little sense to them. I was desperately trying to understand God in the middle of a storm. So, when treatment was finished, and after his first three month check-up I knew I didn't want to stop journaling. And I had many requests to continue my journal. I had never done anything like that before. I homeschooled (and still do) so I turned to Homeschool Blogger. And my friends followed. And I've made new friends. I wish that I was the consistent blogger like so many of you are. I try. But life happens, new babies happen, there are struggles, and time management. When I do blog, my mind begins to think clearer, almost as if in the act of writing the fog of the days prior slowly dissapates. And throughout it all I continued to write about life and God. About faith. About discouragement, and struggles. But really about hope. And lately...joy.
I thought I'd share a bit of who I was with you to give you some more insight into this blog. I've always wanted to have one of those cool homemaking blogs full of tips and tricks. And yet, everytime I sit down to work on one like that I feel the Lord calling me to continue writing here. And to be real. Raw at times. But truly real. I tell you about my life, about my struggles so that just maybe my words offer hope, joy and encouragment to you.
I wrote this three years ago on Caringbridge (www.caringbridge.org/visit/toddemartin):
Sleep. It is amazing how many hours of sleep Todd needs. Now, he is sleeping more than he is awake. Eleven or so hours at night, and around four hours during the day. After Todd's treatment today we talked with the radiation oncologist. He informed us that this level of fatigue is normal, but it will continue to worsen the farther into the treatment we go. The compazine that Todd is taking for nausea worsens the fatigue, but without it Todd would be miserable and be in bed due to severe nausea. We both agreed that taking the drug was the best alternative given the circumstances.
This time has become a time of trust. Letting go. "I am willing to listen to you God," my soul cries out. "Where are you taking me? I trust you." It's such a process of intentionally believing. During Morning Blend today it was shared how trust is an active choice, not something that just happens. Oh, how true those words are to me. Trust is a decision. I am choosing to trust my Savior even when the road looks bleak and dim. I am choosing to trust when I am afraid and see no way out.
My Savior is calling me to surrender. I've gotten so skittish that I don't even know when to let go...even though that act will help me. God has been so gracious to me. He has continued to love me, even when I doubted His love for me. He has continued to come after me, even when I ran away. He has fought for me, even when I thought that I was unworthy. God is good. I was told those words today. You know what? I believe them. He is good. And faithful. And true. And loving. And He will fight for our family. So, I say to Him, "let me grow even in the midst of this time. Hone in me attributes beneficial for Your kingdom. Let me be open to you."
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Oh how I long to live today in such a state of surrender to our Lord. Those moment of surrender are moments of hope and joy. For in those times when I am grasping at control those are moments where I allow fear, anxiety and anger to creep into my soul. Do you see at the end where I said, "He is good. And faithful. And true. And loving. And He will fight for our family?" Well, I am writing to you tonight telling you that He did fight for us, and He, our Lord, our newborn King, still does. He has given us a son named Elijah, after we were told we couldn't have any other children. Elijah Nathaniel means "God is Near" and "Gift from God." What a sweet, sweet gift he is. In fact, the days I found out I was pregnant was the one year anniversary of Todd being diagnosed with cancer. What victory! Scattered throughout this blog I have written about the victory that has come, and can come, from difficulty. Some day I'll work on archiving those thoughts into a clearer history of events.
He not only fights for me, but also for you, my dear friends. I know I've been writing about Christmas lately, and still feel the need to remind you, and myself, to slow down. To take these last few days before Christmas to rest. To sit at our Savior's feet. To surrender life to Him. There are so many, many last minute details pressing on us, and yet, I believe we are also called to rest. To bask in the glory of the gift of Jesus. To snuggle with our children. To listen. To simply rest. In those moments of quietness the Lord fills us with hope.
On January 15, 2006 I copied this poem on the Caringbridge site. I am going to post it again. The message is, oh, so true. Life is hard, there are struggles. We simply cannot do it alone. We cannot carry the load, solve everything, and rely solely on ourselves. We need a Savior. And Christmas is about that Savior, your Savior, my Savior coming to this earth to live and die for us. Because He loves us. And He, Jesus, doesn't want us to live this life on our own. He wants us to lean on Him. To surrender to Him. Oh let us adore Him, and honor Him, and live for Him. Christmas is such a blessing. Rest in Him these days. Do what you have to do, but carve moments of solitude and rest. You will be blessed.
"I cannot do it alone;
The waves surge fast and high,
And the fog close all around,
The light goes out in the sky;
But I know that we two
Will win in the end,
Jesus and I.
Cowardly, wayward, and week,
I change with the changing sky;
Today so eager and bright,
Tomorrow to weak to try;
But He never gives in,
So we two will win,
Jesus and I.
I could not guide it by myself,
My boat on life's wild sea;
There's One who sits by my side,
Who pulls and steers with me.
And I know that we two
Will safe enter port,
Jesus and I."
J.R. Miller
Thanks for reading my story. Thanks for every single comment. I read them all and hold them dear. Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, and your friendship. I am blessed.
Blessings,
Rachel
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Psalms 28:6-9 Blessed be the LORD, because he hath heard the voice of my supplications. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him. The LORD is their strength, and he is the saving strength of his anointed. Save thy people, and bless thine inheritance: feed them also, and lift them up for ever.