Sigh.  I've failed.

Do you ever have those days where everything piles up all at once?  Days where there is more to do than the alloted time allows?  Days where you have to do it yourself?  Days with sick children on top of craziness?  Days where you wish you could wind back the clock and start again?

Today was one of those days.  Sigh, and it's only 10:30 am.  This week, in general, has been crazy and full of work.  And sadness.  Two people I've known died this week.  One was a young mother, my age, from coloN cancer.  And the next morning, Todd's grandmother.  Although she was almost 102, her death brings nostalgia and memories to the surface.  Let's see...Todd has worked almost 80 hours this week.  He's got a ridiculous deadline to complete a project and his old business partner is pulling up and going to Washington.  Without finishing the project...and thus leaving it all on Todd's hands.  And now, today, the reason I feel like I failed was because my two younger girls are in a community theater play.  Instead of me being the good mom, you know the one who encourages them and builds them up, I fell victim to my own inner panic and ended up stressed, short-tempered and impatient.  They needed curls in their hair, makeup, clothes, etc... And I needed to get it all done myself.

Elijah, the baby, is quite sick with upper respiratory issues.  So last night, I had no sleep.  Todd is gone, trying to cram in work before he comes home to watch the younger boys so I can go to the play.  My heart aches...why didn't I stay calm?  I could have done the whole morning with the paradigm of calmness and encouragement in my spirit.

I know why.  I didn't prioritize.  I didn't get up early, and when I was awake I allowed anger over my circumstances to dictate my mood.  I was no longer in charge of my emotions, my emotions were driving me.  If, and only if, I had taken five minutes at the throne of the Father and given Him my burdens my day might have been different.  If I had planned better.  If I was willing to forgive this old business partner.  But, I've clung to bitterness and anger...because I see how hard everything is for my husband.  Sigh...

I did call the director and asked her to have Chloe call me so that I can encourage her.  Why is this lesson so hard to learn?  It's an old pattern, that panic and anxiety.  A pattern that I probably learned as a child.  We'd be leaving and have to rush to get everything done.  I need to release that pattern, that rut of a way to do life, to the Lord.  After all, it's a lie.  I don't have to be anxiety-ridden before a major event.  I can be calm.  But somehow I've believed that prior to an event, or when I have to do all myself, that the way to operate is with anxiety.

I've gotten better, mind you.  I am more aware of the tendency to slip into anxiety.  It is one of those things that I need to be chipping away at.  This action is a hard layer of icy snow that needs to be removed.  This morning was another wake-up call into my imperfect person.  Thank goodness, that with our Lord's blood, that I am white as snow.  Otherwise I would be a very dismal scarlet.

I love this verse from Isaiah.  It reminds me to keep working at releasing the lies and strongholds and to keep looking for hope and identity in Christ.  I pray that my words this morning, as raw and real as they are, are encouraging to you.  I pray that in my vulnerability you can begin and continue to expose areas in which need releasing to our Father.

"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, it shall spring forth; Sall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

  Isaiah 43:18-19

I know my daughter will do well.  And, I know that I can do better.  And I will, through Christ who strengthens me. He'll take this desert time, and transform it for His glory.  And maybe, just maybe, my little bit of honesty, is exactly what was needed.

Blessings,

Rachel