have I been?

I was so faithful with blogging early this year, and yet I seemed to have vanished.  Ah, yes, I could blame it on a busy life, or being newly pregnant (back then...now I only have a little over 10weeks to go), or homeschooling, but those aren't legitimate reasons.  I stopped because I felt convicted to stop.  You see, my blog was about "finding joy" and yet my blog was in some ways robbing me of daily joy.  I was writing about joy, about life, and yet not truly living.  Not letting go and sitting by my toddlers and simply basking in the excitement of their happiness.  Or listening to my older daughters describe the complexities of beauty found in ballet.  I was writing, yet not living.

So I stopped.  Suddenly, and without explanation.  I had this strange guilt about not writing.  I'd see comments pop up, but avoided going to my blog.  I needed to think.  To pray.  To ponder.  What was the intention of blogging?  Was it to the benefit of my family?

Tough, tough, tough questions.  These were questions I knew I needed to answer, and I knew they needed time.  And after months of reflection I realized that in order to blog I need to prioritize it into my day and life.  It cannot be something that takes away from my family.  It needs to be carved into the niches of my life.  And, it cannot, on any circumstance take away from the time spent at my Savior's feet.  You see, I think He was truly speaking to me during these months.  I felt challenged to let go of the "blogger identity"...you know the identity that could so easily be wrapped up in number of followers, or comments, or awards, or web-design, or...on and on.  Instead, my identity needs to be solidly in HIM.  First.  And then my family.  These unique individuals are gifts given to my by our Father.  Gifts that only have a certain amount of time spent here, under my wings.  I was to refocus my lens, again.  Once that became resolidified in my mind did I begin to realize that I was missing my time writing.  And, yet, I still waited.  I wanted writing to be a time of blessing.  A time that I knew would be spent wisely.  I am to be a steward of this time, this gift. And in the waiting did I begin to discover that writing has begun to reignite joy in me.  Ahh...the Lord is good!

So I'm back.  Who knows if there are still followers.  And you know, I'm okay with that (although I do have many friends here!)...I'm going to write to write.  And hopefully encourage.

My eldest daughter, Hannah, is quite talented in webdesign.  I am thinking that I will have her design a blog template for me.  I'm also mulling over the direction of the blog.  I'm thinking that once a week I'll blog specifically about my journey with our gracious Lord.  And then during the other days I'll write about life.  A life with soon to be seven children.  A life that doesn't match the life society thinks that many should live.  My life.  There's laughter and tears.  Hopes and dreams.  But still, in every thread that is cast is the unbelievable faithfulness of our Lord.

So with that....I say, "hello" to you all again.  And, in case anyone was wondering this new baby is a boy.  So that makes us 3girls, 4boys.  And, yes, all the boys will be six and under.  That, in itself, should make for some interesting posts!

Rachel