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Aug. 29, 2006
Shake Up!
It seems that the one of the few predictable things there are in life, is that life is often unpredictable.
I received an e-mail from my Dad yesterday. My biological mother contacted him, askin' about me and my older brother. Wow. Big time doozy.
I have not seen her in almost 20 years, but it's been since I was seven years old that she was a real part of my life. From eight years on, I was raised by my Dad and when my Dad remarried, my "stepmom" (Oooo, how I loathe the term) became my Mom. As a kid, I was pretty messed up, I suppose. I dealt with anger, abandonment, sadness, not belongin'. I was a big time liar, lied about stupid stuff, but I was a charmer, my parents always lookin' like big meanies because everyone outside my family saw me as "sweet". Yikes. I was surrounded by people that loved me, my parents, my grandparents, my family and so on, but for some reason, I fixated on the one person that didn't seem to care.
In my teens and early twenties, the legacy of pain continued to haunt me. In my sinfulness, I felt "justified" commitin' the horrible sins I did. Yet God was always there, no matter how alone, how abandoned, how unloved I felt, He was always there, He would never abandon me and He always loved me. I see now, His mighty hand, lovin' me, guidin' me, grievin' with me but always gently smilin', knowin' that He had wonderful things in store for me.
When I became a mother at 19 years old, my anger and bitterness, changed to fear. Oh dear God, please! Don't let me turn out like my mother! I just couldn't ever wrap my brain around the idea that I might look at my child and choose to disappear out of his life. I cried out to Jesus, "Lord help me! I don't know what I'm doin' but I know I don't want to mess it up!" Once again, I found myself fixated on the one person that left, while completely missin' the example of the many wonderful people that loved me and would slay dragons for me, not to mention totally missin' the fact that even if everyone left me, I still had the best and most powerful role model there was! God Himself! My Heavenly Father, who is Father to the fatherless!
As I proceeded through my twenties, God worked daily in my life, workin' on my heart, exposin' my sin, releasin' me of the bondage of the victim mentality that I'd found myself enslaved. I began to see His love and tender mercies. I realized that God had restored to me all that I had thought I'd lost. I lost a mother, God brought me another one, one that would never leave me. I lost my "heritage", God brought me a new one, the heritage of bein' His precious daughter, a rich and glorious heritage as the lost sheep that the Shepherd pursued tirelessly until He found me, claimed me and wooed me back to His beloved flock. I thought I'd lost my identity, I found it in His love letter, the Holy Bible. I lost the ability to forgive, but God showed me, through the humility of realizin' how much I'd been forgiven, that there was no sin commited against me that could measure up to that which I'd commited against my Father in Heaven. I learned to forgive by Christ's forgiveness extended to me.
As every stronghold crumbled and as God created in me a new heart, I found greater peace, greater comfort, greater conviction and greater love. All the questions and rants that I'd harbored all those years just didn't seem as important anymore. For a long time, all I wanted to do was be given the chance to ask, "Why??!! Why did you leave us?!" And yet even that question seemed so petty. Did it matter? The events of my life has brought me to a sweet appreciation for the tender mercies with which God has showered me. The every day delight in my children, the butterflies I still get in my belly when my beloved husband looks at me with that invitin' twinkle in his eye, the peace and rest I find in the arms of my Savior, all this redeemed from the ashes of pain and heartache.
When I first got the message from Dad, I fell a part. All I could think was, how does someone try to waltz into someone else's life after nearly twenty years? I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what I was suppose to do. Yet, as the day progressed, and God's peace that truly passes all understandin' was once again extended to my shortsightedness, things became clearer. Yes, this is somethin' new and interestin' indeed. Yes, there is a challenge here to seek God's will. Yes, it was a shock that seemed to come out of left field, and yet, it is no surprise at all to God. I realized, that when it comes to all that matters, my identity, my life and purpose, not much has changed. I smile knowin' that I do not need to seek desperately after a mother relationship, I have a mother, she's not perfect, but she loves me, she was the woman who sat cryin' in the hospital when I broke my leg and needed surgery, she was the one that battled my strong will day in and day out, without hearin any gratitude from me, she was the one that bathed my first born in the hospital and cradled him as nothin' else but his Mimi, the one that cried at my weddin' and pines for the day when we might live closer. Who I am has not changed, a redeemed child of God, a wife whose husband dies for, a mother, whose children bring her daily laughter and joy.
I don't know where all this is headed, but I know God is in control. I now know how truly free I am of my past, that I can take each step in faith. I will not greet her as a lost and hurtin' daughter, because that person is dead in Christ, but prayerfully as an instrument of grace that God might use to sing His sweet song to her and call her into His flock.
To God be the glory.
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