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Sep. 11, 2006
Marriage made in Heaven...
...that's what I feel about my marriage. Everyday, I'm just in awe of the joy, delight and sheer pleasure that Carl and I share in each other. Even the days where it feels a bit challengin', I can't help but to praise God!
Day 9: Do you listen, really listen to your husband?
I'm a chatter, I know, I know, no surprise there. Seriously though, I could talk on and on and on for...well, a really long time. If it's a topic I'm passionate about, I'm not really even all that interested in whether or not my "audience" is listenin'. I'm workin' on bein' a woman of fewer words. Honestly I am!!
One thing that I realized is that when I am so focused on fillin' the silence and sharin' what is on my mind, I'm not givin' adequate attention to what might be on the mind of others around me. The person that I probably allow the least amount of listenin' time is Carl. He isn't a "talker" and he seems to enjoy listenin', my favorite kinda person! LOL! Yet, sometimes I know that I miss out on opportunities to hear somethin' really important to him.
Since he isn't a talker, there are times when "listenin'" involves more than my ears. Sometimes listenin' means tunin' into his moods, his distractions, his behavior, little cues that tell me what is at the heart of my Beloved. For example, my husband hates a messy floor. There can be clutter all over the bookshelves, the counters, any elevated surface, but boy, when it comes to the floors, one shoe will make things not settle right with him. Don't get me wrong, he isn't in a tirade about messy floors or anything, I figured this out by watchin' him. When Carl gets home from work, immediately after sayin' his "hello"'s to all of us, he starts pickin' up floors! He isn't mad, he isn't snippy or grumpy, he just sets himself to pickin' up the floors. So I decided to "experiment". What would happen if he didn't have anythin' to pick up? So I began to train myself and the children to have the floors clear before he comes home. At first, he'd kinda wander around like, "I know I should be doin' somethin' but I can't think of what it was..." but then, as it dawned on him, there wasn't anythin' to pick up, I felt, more than heard this deep sigh of...relief? Contentment? I'm not really sure. Now that we are in the habit of pickin' up the floors, I can now see how much it did affect his enjoyment of our home. Like I said, not that he was "unhappy" before, he wasn't, it's just that the relaxation that I sense from him, the smile he gives me is a bit brighter, his hug is a bit tighter, he's just more "at peace".
That was a huge breakthrough for me, and I've learned all sorts of wonderful and interestin' things about him by "listenin'" to his non-verbal cues.
Day 10: Admiration
Learnin' to admire my husband has been a challenge because I didn't really understand what "admiration" was. When I was a trainer at a restaurant, managements drilled into our heads the "oreo" principle, you praised, you brought up a "challenge area" and then you praised. "Criticism should always be couched between two praises," was the motto of the time.
I applied this same line of thinkin' to Carl. I could release a string of praises and "hide" in there one "itty bitty" criticism, and Carl would zero in on that one bit of negativity faster than a fighter pilot on his target. You know that sayin', "One spoiled apple spoils the bunch," that is spot on when it comes to praisin' my Beloved. Oftentimes, that one criticism would even embitter Carl against the compliments because he felt it was a purposeful manipulation on my part. I didn't understand it, I mean, didn't he just hear me go on and on about how wonderful he was? Yet he would miss the praise. Suddenly the "teeny tiny" criticism would turn into a global judgement against all he is, suddenly I was tellin' him that I didn't think he did "everythin' wrong" and so forth. How did we get here? How did this turn into an argument?
I eventually learned that times of praise, need to be just that, times of praise. How physically attractive I find him, how proud I am of his work ethic, how much I enjoyed watchin' him wrestle with the boys and dance with his daughter. I learned to leave off what seemed to me as "little comments" that might come across as criticism. Sure there were and still are times when I have a concern that I may bring to him from time to time, but I realized Carl handles it so much better when I'm direct and say, "I am havin' a bit of a struggle with this..." and leave it at that. No "couchin' the criticism in praise". Times of praise are times of praise, times of concerns are times of concerns.
I also learned that Carl truly appreciates praise, even for mundane things. If he helps with the vacuumin' or washes the dishes or changes a diaper, what did it cost me to praise and thank him? Hardly anythin' at all! Yet, there is that temptation to think, "Why should I praise for that? I do that everyday! Several times a day in fact!" I realized the former attitude of praise almost guarantees that Carl will look for other ways to help out, the latter attitude almost guarantees that Carl will sit back and refrain from helpin' out in that manner again.
There is so much we take for granted. My husband goes to work everyday, on time, that is a praiseworthy thing because there's a whole lot of men out there that don't! My husband is home with us when he isn't workin'. That is praiseworthy because some husbands aren't! I'm workin' on cultivatin' a culture of praise in our home, where we all learn to identitfy and speak up about all the wonderful things we appreciate about each other.
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