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Sep. 12, 2006
Submission and Expectation...
Today's 30 Day Challenge topics are two that I could write about for days and days.
Day 11: Submission
Submission is a topic that makes just about even the mildest personality fiesty. So often you will hear women say somethin' like, "God made me strong-willed for a reason" or "God gave me a brain to use."
Let's make one thing clear: Submission requires a strong will and a brain.
I used to try to put submission in a box, I tried to lay down "boundaries", tried to "educate" my husband, tried the "I'm sittin' on the outside but inside I'm standin' up!", even tried passive-aggressive wimpy whiny to get Carl to change the things that I thought he oughta change.
Do you notice how we hardly ever think that we are the problem? If we have a personality flaw, it's always because someone else is doin' somethin' they ought not do, which makes us do somethin' we ought not do. I've heard so many times, women say, "I'd never behave that way with anyone else." This excuse has been used for everythin' from run-of-the-mill sassiness to their spouse, to affairs, to out and out physical violence. You didn't think that women can get physically violent with their husbands? Think again.
Make no mistake, if there is sin in your life, if you are physically violent, if you are rebellious, or prone to wayward eyes, the problem is in you and has to go. Blamin' our sin on someone else is cowardice and requires little smarts. I've seen children as young as a 1 1/2 years old know how to blame someone else for their wrongdoin'. It takes courage and intelligence to objectively see how wicked our behavior is and to ask God for the grace and strength to overcome. It takes a strong will to stand against the ugliness we see in the mirror and embrace that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
Many times, we try to "submit" through demandin' compromise. We "allow" a particular behavior "within boundaries". I've said it before, I'll say it again, this ain't submission, it's parentin'. Think about it. How is it submission if you are still callin' the shots and makin' the rules? It isn't. Submission isn't only doin' what you think ought to be done. Do you expect your children to obey when they "feel" like it or when they agree or when they find that it is "reasonable"? Submission "with terms" isn't submission at all.
Submission arguments always seem to go from the normal everyday to the ridiculous. "Oh so you believe in submission? What if your husband wants you to shoot one of your kids?" "Oh, so if your husband demanded you get an abortion, you'd do it?" Now, bless the saints that actually are in such unimaginable circumstances, but nine times out of ten, we use these reasons as excuses for not submittin' to a friend that our husband does not like and does not want us to associate with, or a particular clothin' style that he really hates, even to argue over what cleanin' supplies we use for cryin' out loud!
What about Abigail? Did she not go against her husband and save her household? I think Abigail is a perfect example of God blessin' a truly exceptional circumstance. Okay, if your husband is about to allow masses of armed men to kill your entire household, yeah, you do what you must to protect yourself. Is there an army outside your door with guns ready to blow you and your children away?
What if your husband is unsaved? Should you submit? Don't make the mistake I made in thinkin' that an unsaved husband was an "out". Read 1 Peter chapter 3. Win their hearts by our chaste conversation and quiet behavior. Let our actions woo them into the Grace of God.
Most of us think the worst of our husbands, I know I did, we think that if we submit, our husbands will become ravin' dictators, tramplin' the very life out of us. What a horrible way to view our beloved! To think that I actually believed such an awful thing about my husband makes me sad. To think that my husband knew that was my very low opinion of him makes me sadder.
My husband is not perfect. He sins and he has his areas of weakness. I have never come out of a situation where my forcin' his change has been of long term benefit. Sure there were things that he changed due to my naggin' or whatever, but they were grudgin' changes that always came with a cost, most often the result was an out-of-touch husband that had no desire to be involved and have an opinion. He just followed along with whatever I said because that was the path of least resistance for him. In my quest to keep him from becomin' a tyrant, I became the tyrant!!
Take the challenge, let him have his way with a cheerful heart. If it fails it fails, be his soft nonjudgemental spot to fall, and cheer him on to figurin' it out on his own. More often than not, our husbands do have a brain cell or two of their own and their plans actually seem to work out, sometimes even better than our lofty standards, it takes courage to eat some humble pie, doesn't it? Then, on top of things actually workin' out, our husbands are lifted up by our trust and support, and as a result they are actually more likely to take in to consideration our feelin's.
I used to be a part of an online community. There was a gal that would post...oh...maybe once a month about some subject her husband didn't agree with her about. One month, she had a male friend that openly had feelin's for her, her husband was not comfortable with her continuin' the relationship, INDEED NOT! But she said, it was "her right" to be friends with whomever, and it didn't matter this fella hit on her constantly and openly disrespected her husband, didn't her husband "trust her"? The next time, she was prone to dress in his opinion, way too sexy. It was "her right" to dress however she wanted to dress. Shouldn't he be happy that his wife was still a nymphlike size 2 and could pull off a leather miniskirt quite well? The next it was the church they attended...on and on. All the while, she expected him to change a multitude of things that she felt he should. It was no surprise to me when a couple years later, the man got fed up, told her he didn't love her anymore and wanted a divorce, yet she was totally shocked. This story could have been mine! How scary is that?! I praise God He showed me my sin! I have zero braggin' rights on the matter.
Day 12: Expectations
I remember the first year or so of Carl and my marriage was pretty much awful. I'm not sharin' anythin' that my husband wouldn't say himself. What was the heart of that? Expectations.
You see, we had lived together prior to gettin' married. What a horrible thing! I believe it was the single greatest cause of our marital strife. Durin' the time of our livin' together, "playin'" husband/wife when we were not, we were totally foolin' ourselves. The reason was we allowed certain things to be overlooked because we were "just" boyfriend/girlfriend, but we both had our list of things that we expected to change "once we were married". The problem is, we expected the other to change while expected the other to allow us to stay the same. Expectations.
A woman that doesn't keep house before she is married, isn't gonna keep house after. A man that is out with the boys five nights a week before he's married isn't gonna suddenly wake up the mornin' of his weddin' a "homebody". And people are surprised by what they get? I know I was. Crazy eh?
I think the other thing is that we expect way too much of our spouses. We cannot ask our husbands to tell us who we are, to give us value, to make us feel "whole". That is not our husbands' job! If we place those expectations on our husbands, they will fail us everytime, they are fallen, just like we are.
While this may seem a pessimistic way of viewin' things, on the contrary, when we turn to the one and only person that can fulfill our every desire, God and only God, it frees us to truly enjoy each other, we don't get our feelin's all caught up when our husbands make choices that don't seem to "validate" us. When Carl falls, instead of it becomin' an "I can't believe you could do this to me!" situation. Instead, because of the value I have in Christ Jesus, and it's the same value that Carl has, I can help him back on his feet as his understandin' and also fallen wife with love, patience and unity.
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Sep. 17, 2006 - I just wanted...