In November of 2003, I gave up.  I told God I couldn't do it anymore.  It was up to Him.  I wasn't going to "try" to get pregnant.  If I did--fantastic.  If not--that was okay too.  I surrendered control of my fertility 100% to Him.

2 days after Christmas as DH and I were doing some after Christmas shopping, we drove past an Applebees and my stomach lurched.  This wasn't the first time in the past couple of days this had happened, but every time it happened I dismissed it as holiday overeating.  This time, though, I quipped, "You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think I was pregnant."  I said this because there was absolutely NO way I could have been pregnant.  During my fertile time, I had had strep throat and he was still living on the post.  I had "seen" him 1 time and it was NOWHERE near that time of the month.  We laughed and drove on.

A couple of mornings later (he was back on post by this time), I realized as I lazily rolled out of bed that I was not my usual jump-out-of-bed-with-both-feet-running self.  So, I took a pregnancy test just for the fun of it.  I had invested in a large quantity of pregnancy tests from another Quiverfull mama, so it wasn't uncommon for a friend to call me up and ask for a pregnancy test.  And as many of you know, when there is a test just sitting there, it is almost as if you can hear it calling your name! LOL  However, since I didn't "feel" pregnant, I was almost for certain the test would be negative.  I dipped the test strip, looked at it and only saw a control line, so I pitched it.  Then I realized I wasn't sure how the tests were supposed to work.  I checked an internet site and read that you are supposed to wait 5 mins!  I dug the test out of the trash and there it was staring me in the face....2 lines!

My first thought was...it is December...the due date is in September...no, dear God, no!

I stood in the bathroom and cried and panicked and wondered if I could get a hold of my husband.  I did manage to reach him and through frantic tears told him I was pregnant and I was just sure the baby wasn't going to live b/c I didn't feel pregnant.  He told me to call the doctor and call him back a bit later, he would be coming home that night.

I called a friend and bawled on the phone to her.  She offered to come over and drive me to the doctor's office where they would draw blood to check HCG levels.  The levels came back within normal for a pregnancy.  Another blood draw was set for 2 days later.  It came back normal as well.  Still I was not convinced.  I refused to get "attached" to this baby.  I refused to believe I would ever see this baby.

The day I took the test, I sat on my back steps and cried out to God, "WHY???"  I clearly felt Him say, "To fufill My promises."  At the time, I remember thinking, "What?  I don't understand."  But a few days later, I realized what that meant.  For a long time I had prayed that God would send me a surprise pregnancy and that He would send me a September baby to heal the hurt surrounding that month.  I knew in my heart He would do these things, but I had forgotten those prayers until then.  But even despite this, I continued to believe that this pregnancy would end as well.  Here is an excerpt from my pregnancy journal...

I still find myself wanting to be pg despite the fact that I've resigned myself to pretending I'm not so I don't have to suffer anymore.  I removed the due date from the calendar.  I feel like I'm just waiting for it to be over.

However, little happinesses kept happening...my sweet daughter brought me a library book she had picked out called "Rabbit Inn." by Patience Brewster.  All the animals at the inn were getting ready for some very important guests, but no one knew who these guests were.  We read about 3/4 of the way through it before bed one night.  Later I picked up the book to see for myself who these guests were.  The important guests were BABY BUNNIES!  A few days later, my daughter tells me should would like a baby sister--she didn't even know I was pregnant!

At about 5.5 weeks, I called the nurse and asked to come in one more time for a blood test just to ease my mind.  As I was leaving the office, my doctor stopped me and asked if I wanted to take some progesterone.  She said there wasn't a lot of proof that it helped, but she wanted to give me whatever reassurance she could.  So, I took them.  The nurse called the next day to tell me that the levels were over 12,000 and that the baby's heart was now beating and it was time to do a trans******l sono!  Here is what I wrote...

Why don't I feel more relieved?  I asked God to break the news to me gently with this last blood test.  God is sovreign over all and able to make my pregnancy any kind He wants.  He's even able to knit a child not expected to make it a little tighter.  I want this baby, but I'm afraid of getting attached and then losing him/her.  How do I survive this, Lord?  What should my attitude be?  Should I rejoice for the life you've given and leave it at that until I know otherwise?  Or do I hold back emotions so I can deal better if it happens.  It will hurt no matter what.  Lord, what do you want? 

At 6 weeks 1 day, we saw the baby via sonogram!  It was this beautiful little peanut of a person w/ a strong heartbeat.  But, still I worried and feared.  I lived every second of every day in fear.  I prayed for morning sickness and it came--fast and furious.  I finally ended up taking Zofran to cope, but even it didn't do anything but take the edge off.  So, now my days were spent waffling between holding down the couch in near delirium to feeling somewhat normal and being petrified with fear because I felt normal.  It was debilitating.  But I was afraid of not being afraid.  What if I stopped fearing and then lost this baby?  It I didn't spend my days in fear, I would not be prepared for the baby's death.  So, I continued to live in fear.

Then, on my son's 6th birthday, something changed.  Here is what I wrote that day...

Tomorrow is 13 wks...The fear is still very real and the feeling that disappointment and agony are lurking at every corner is at times numbing.  I pray a lot for God to remove these fears that must be the work of Satan...God is NOT a God of FEAR.  He is the Great Comforter.  This is a testing time for me...I cannot determine life and death simply by feelings.  God is Lord of ALL--even this tiny baby...Went to Revival tonight and he talked about having a stillborn daughter and how months down the road they had to rebuke the fear they held.

This man had no idea what was going on in my life.  As he spoke, I sat there and bawled.  That night, I layed all that fear to rest at Jesus' feet.  I set it down and left it there in that tiny country church.  I knew I had a fight ahead of me b/c Satan would not want me to have this kind of victory in Christ, but I was prepared to stand against him in the name of Jesus!

The next day I had my 13 wk OB appt.  The nurse couldn't get a heartbeat.  She went to get the doctor.  As we waited, I was peaceful.  God was truly in control, not me.  The doctor came in, trying to keep a cheerful attitude.  She laid the doppler on my belly and immediately we heard the familiar "Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh."  Praise God!  The baby was alive!!!

At 39 wks and 6 days, I went into labor and 3.5 years after we were convicted, our 1st Quiverfull baby was born--a beautiful 9# 14 oz baby girl!  The name we gave her means God's Sweet Promise.

A few days later, the same friend who had driven me to the doctor that first day, came by to meet the baby.  She bent down and whispered into her bassinet, "You don't know how much your mama wanted you or how long she's waited for you."

to be continued...