Here I stand, shield in hand, ready to defend myself against the many rotten tomatoes I fear will be thrown in answer to this entry.  But, I feel as though I must say what I am about to say because of how changing this one paradigm in my life has changed my entire outlook on parenting.  Listen carefully, and hold your tomatoes until the end.

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Back in my Oprah watching days, I heard Dr. Phil make a very convincing argument for WHY moms need time away.  He said we give and give to the point of empty, so we MUST refuel ourselves, so we can continue to give. 

Seems plausible enough, right?  Sounds like good common sense, right?  So, then WHY when I sought this hollowed ME TIME did I always feel as though I needed more?  Sure I felt refreshed...for a bit...only to come crashing back to earth the moment I got home and realized the sink was full of dirty dishes and I would still have to give baths and jammie everyone before the night would be over. 

This left me feeling sorry for myself.  WHY couldn't I have one night in my life where I wouldn't HAVE to do the same thing I do every night?  WHY couldn't I come home to a spotless and trouble-free home where dishes were washed and children were in bed?  WHY did I have to go back to being "MOM" ?  To punish those who were making my life difficult, I would loudly sling dishes, and be curt and hurried with everyone, until I could get children into bed and run off to my sewing room to hide for the remainder of the night.

Or what about the countless nights I stayed up WAY too late so I could be ALONE, many times hoping my husband would fall asleep so I wouldn't feel guilty for spending time doing my OWN thing?  I dreaded going to bed because it meant waking up the next morning to start the whole thing over again.

I found myself continually lamenting the fact that my husband got time off from his job, while lil' ole me never got a break.  There started to be a trend in my weekends--one full day of doing whatever I wanted to do no matter what fell apart while I took "time off" led to two full days, which soon led to the weekends creeping into the weekdays. 

But, even this was NOT ENOUGH.  I became more and more upset by my husband's business lunches and trips--how come I never got to do stuff like that?  I was irritated with the children because their antics were cutting into MY time.  I was stressed and edgy and desperate for MORE me time.  I was escaping to the computer every chance I got, and ignoring my daily duties as a wife and mother.  My children would call out for me and I would answer with, "She's not here right now."

Now those of you who *thought* I was the perfect mom can take a moment to pull your horrified jaws off the floor--remember, we dispelled the Perfect Mom myth in my last entry.

If you'll notice, the previous paragraphs are all in PAST tense, albeit not a distant past.  But, something did change.  I QUIT seeking Me Time. 

Here is the reason why:

Me Time is a myth.  It is an unattainable, always interruptible, never satisfactional piece of junk psychology.  Me Time, by its very name, suggests that who we are during the daily grind is not WHO we truly are.  It tells us that we are someone other than "WIFE" or "MOTHER."  It begs us to search for fulfillment outside of those titles.  It blames precious little ones and God-given spouses for suppressing us.  It reduces motherhood to a disease in which the life is slowly being sucked out of us by tiny dirty faces and endless monotonous tasks.  It says you can never be refreshed by spending time in the presence of those you care for day in and day out.  It points out a perceived "hole" in your world that needs to be filled, a tank that must be fueled up, a monster that will swallow you lest you neglect to feed it precious Me Time.

But, it will never be enough.  The more you indulge the thought that you are somehow owed Me Time, the more you will seek after it.  The more you seek after it, the more every little opportunity afforded you to "take a break" will seemingly end too quickly.  The everyday life of being a mother will become drudgery.  You will dread the laundry and dishes to the point of avoiding them at all costs.  You will snap at your children any time they try to draw you out of your precious Me Time--whether it be by asking you 900 annoying questions or by loudly fighting with their siblings.  You will watch the clock, anxiously awaiting their bed time so you can be alone.  You will find that evenings before bed time drag on.  Not getting this Me Time will ruin your day.  If you do manage some time away, you will despise the re-entry.

Now, I am sure there are some of you reeling, and many of you just itching to start throwing those tomatoes, but give me a moment to offer you an olive branch of sorts...

Lest you think I am the most cruel and heartless woman on earth, and lest you think I have never had a hard day and never been worn to a frazzle, let me say that there are days, weeks, and sometimes months and years in a woman's life that are anything but easy.  We are drained and left feeling like we couldn't possibly handle one more thing.  Everyone will tell you some time away will do you good, and it could...IF...

IF you spend that time away SEEKING GOD.  Anything else you seek to fill that emptiness will fall miserably short.

This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.  It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning:  great is Thy faithfulness.  The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him.  The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him.

Lamentations 3:21-25

A dear friend summed it up by saying, "Only God can fill what you are aching for."

I stopped seeing my life as a wife and mother as a JOB--something I put aside at the end of the day.  I stopped complaining and started living.  I am looking for ways to make my daily chores more enjoyable.  I am drinking in the beauty of my children, taking the time to search their eyes, hold their hands, and be their mom.  I am listening more and speaking less.  I am working at catching myself every time I start to feel slighted or neglected or overworked, and turning that desire to run off for a bit of me time to make me feel better into a desire to cheerfully do any task set before me "as unto the Lord."  I am beginning to enjoy time spent with my children just being their mom.  I am trying to see interruptions as blessings and opportunities to bless others.  And when I am feeling drained, I am seeking the Lord.

What I am finding is that I am not clinging so tightly to the snipets of time I am given in which to do something alone because I no longer see those times as the only way to save my sanity.  Instead, they are fun little stops along the blessed path I walk called motherhood.

Any time you spend away from your family MUST be spent in the company of those who will encourage you as a mother and wife.  You will never gain anything but resentment from the council of those who encourage you to seek self.  Learn to enjoy being home with your family.  Learn to live sacrificially.  Learn contentment in serving others.  Learn to be happy being you--right where God placed you.