The older I get and the older my children get, the more I find myself thinking about how I perceived the world when I was their age.  My oldest child is a 10 year old 5th grader, and I can clearly remember much of what I felt and thought as a 5th grader.  In many ways, it does not seem all that long ago.

As I continue down this meandering thought path, I begin to age my children and consider how I viewed my parents and my peers and the events of my life as I went from middle school to high school to college.  And then, suddenly, I am petrified!

What will my children remember of me? 

They are getting old enough to begin forming their own opinions of who their mama is.  They will soon be able to put words to their feelings.  Granted, their opinions will be immature at best, but children do have an uncanny knack for spotting hypocrisy a mile away. 

A year or two ago, I did an online Bible/book study on Homeschooling with a Meek & Quiet Spirit by Teri Maxwell.  As I thumbed back through this book recently, I found in the margins where I had scrawled, "I want my children to remember me as a gentle mother."

That thought brings tears to my eyes.  Have I gained any ground in my quest to be gentle toward my children?  Do they see how hard I try?  Do the gentle tones outweigh the irritated ones?  Will they say I was gentle?

Emily's death 8 months ago drastically changed our family.  I felt I owed it to her and God to parent my remaining children with love and gentleness beyond measure.  While working through the emotions of losing a child has not exactly lent itself to being gentle, I am able to look from this side of things back to the mother I was over a year ago and see that who I was and who I am are very different...a good different...a growing different.


In fact, I can look a year beyond that and see a different mama.  I can look all the way back to the mama of one little boy age 18 months.  That mama was stressed and tired.  She cried herself to sleep many nights because of how she had treated her son during the course of the day.  She did not want the Lord to bless her with any more children because she didn't feel she was any good at parenting the one He had already blessed her with.

But the Lord grew her up.  Little by little, piece by piece, moment by moment.  She's not perfect by any means as she stands here 9 years and almost 5 children later, but she's closer to being that gentle mama she hopes her children remember her being.