Carried on the Wind

Mar. 22, 2007 - Stormy

March is always a month of great contrasts. There's the old saying that it comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but here in the Pacific Northwest it seems the lion and lamb fight it out almost daily. We've had clear sunny skies and warm breezes followed by ominous clouds, pelting rain, and hail. We've awoken to frost on the ground, and other days we've opened our windows to let the fresh sweet air fill our winter weary home. It seems the weather is most fickle at this time of year, but we know Spring will win; she always does.
   I feel not a little like the weather. I am taking great joy in my sweet family. Peregrine seems to have turned a corner and is obeying more cheerfully, and both Erik and I are finding him to be much more happy and pleasant. We're looking forward to Alethea's second birthday in a few weeks. She is blossoming before our eyes and is full of energy and sweetness and a bit of mischief. Together my little ones keep my days filled with laughter, work, surprises and challenges. We're happy to get outside more and have been working in the yard, cleaning out the flower beds, preparing garden plots, and planting seeds. There has been a trip to the coast, walks by the river, and visits to local parks. My family and the activities that surround them are my sunshine.
   But there are storms too. This is the month, and we are approaching the day, that our baby Esther Bihana Hope would have been due. I dreamed a few weeks ago that I was pregnant and the time to deliver my baby was very soon. I realized, with a devastating shock, that my belly hadn't grown, that something had gone wrong and I was only then noticing it. In real life I seem to be surrounded with friends who have just given birth, are about to, or who have just learned they're expecting. And while I rejoice with them, I feel keenly the loss of our own babes. It seems to well up within me and spill out often these days. I feel the sadness of what might have been; my arms ache to hold my unknown-to-me little ones in my arms, not just in my heart. I was reminded of the words that follow the George MacDonald quote I have in the header. "There are winds that blow up huge storms inside the hearts of men and women, and blow till the great clouds full of tears rain down from the eyes." These storms seem to be battling with my sunshine these days, and I know that it's the nature of things, and that in grieving our losses we receive healing too. In this life there will always be sorrows mingled with the joys. I look forward to the day when God will wipe away every tear from my eyes, and when the Lord Jesus Himself will be my Light. But sometimes that feels a long way off.
   I appreciate your prayers for me during these days when I seem to be all sunshine one moment and stormy the next. I recently finished reading a book I've heard Elisabeth Elliot mention on occasion, Stepping Heavenward, by Elizabeth Prentiss. (You can read it online here.) Written in the 1800s, it begins as the journal of a young woman who is impetuous and ruled by her temper, but longing for transformation. Reading through her journal of many years we watch as she grows up, marries, has children, and bears many trials. Through it all, and with much struggle, she is slowly changed to become more like Christ. She comes to value her sufferings as precious, since through them she has been drawn closer to her Saviour. This book spoke much to me, and encouraged me to press on, to not just endure my trials, but to seek the good that God has promised to bring through them. I will close with words I wrote some time ago: "The disciples marveled that "even the winds obeyed" Jesus. This, to me, is an assurance that when the gentle breezes turn to howling storms, our Master is still in command. We have no control over the winds that blow, but if we know the One who controls them, then we can rest knowing that He carries us still."

Lovely photo courtesy of my super-talented, wonderful, and oh-so-handsome husband.

• Post A Comment!

Mar. 21, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Anonymous

Rebeca,
I will pray for you. Thank you for opening up and sharing about your storms so that those of us who read here can lift you up in prayer.
Love to you~
~Stacy
www.withgreatjoy.blogspot

(the comments are not working so well so if this posts twice, I apologize!)

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Mar. 22, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by JenIG

As usual, this is a beautifully written post, and it was very timely for me to read. It's been a stormy month.
:)
And yes, Stepping Heavenward is a truly worthwhile book. I should read that again someday.

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Mar. 22, 2007 - Your blog

Posted by Danaover40

I love opening your blog just to gaze upon the lovely printed fabric you've chosen for your background. But as I opened it tonight and saw the breath-taking photo your husband took, I was in awe of God's majesty.

Your description of the "baby" dream made me cry; and I will be lifting you up to the Father's throne of grace and mercy. I'm so sorry.

I'll have to also remember to re-read Stepping Heavenward again, as my complaining spirit has been in high gear lately.

God bless you with endurance~
Dana

Edited by Danaover40 on Mar. 22, 2007 at 8:08 PM

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Mar. 22, 2007 - <i>Untitled Comment</i>

Posted by callmekate

I had to smile at the fine print at the bottom of your post! It's so sweet to hear a wife speak of her husband so lovingly. I felt that way about my dh today, after not feeling very close for a time, and it felt wonderful. I pray that I'll continue to feel so much love for my spouse as I have today. Anyway, I will definitely keep you in prayer. I'm sorry for this difficult time in your life. Maybe one day you, too, will find this trial precious, as it has drawn you closer to the Lord. Bless you, my friend!

Kate

P.S. I so enjoy reading posts - you have such a lovely way of expressing yourself and your love for God. Your blog has a calming effect and I often feel spiritually fed after I reading it. Thanks for your comments on my post.

Edited by callmekate on Mar. 22, 2007 at 11:20 PM

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Mar. 23, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by MintFlower

Thanks for sharing what you're going through. I am praying for you.

Just wanted to say hoe truly perfect the conditions must have been to get a photo like that :)

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Mar. 24, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by keldaris

You know I love you tons, right? I think of your babies a lot, actually. Perhaps its because I think of you often. I love that I can read your blog and rejoice or cry with you. You are so precious to me.

We would love to come by for a visit on our way home. I'll let you know for sure when I have the plan all laid out. I'll email you privately so the whole world won't know exactly when we're leaving.

I love you tons and tons and tons!

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Mar. 31, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Anonymous

I gleaned a lot from Stepping Heavenward, also!(Elisabeth Eliot is my favorite female author and if she suggests it I must do it.) I wish I could give you advice or comfort in your stormy times but it is useless to try-He alone can bring that peace. Since there is nothing to say except "I agree, I feel that way often, and yes-me too." so I will pray for us both. I forget who said this but I agree with it "Those who can explain suffering, have not truly suffered." blessings, brenda k

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