Oct. 26, 2007 - Where I'm From






(Several months ago people in the blogging world were doing this, and I thought it was neat. But, until this morning, I never had the motivation to do it myself. You can find the original poem here, and a blank template to write your own here. I've included links, some to photos and others to explanations. I think this would be a neat thing to do with kids, to hear their perspectives on their life so far. I know some of you have done this before, but if you choose do it, please let me know so I can come read it!)


I am from steaming terra cotta cups of masala chai smashed on ancient cobblestone, from freshly baked bread and simmering soups, from canned peaches and freezer jam.


I am from mountainside log cabins, farmhouses and city houses, from wherever my family is.


I am from golden wheat fields and arid deserts, from sledding hills and six-foot snow drifts, from rainy winters, from mountains beautiful enough to make me cry.


I am from brown station wagons filled with brothers and sisters, from Tesseract the Datsun, from rickshaws and tuktuks, from boats and airplanes and camels and elephants.


I am from fragrant lilacs in the springtime, crocus blooming in the snow, calla lilies, marigold garlands and baby gardens (for babies who flew away too soon.)


I am from Charlie Brown Christmas trees in ice cream pails and loud, happy gatherings, from immigrants and explorers, from settlers and survivors. From Erik my true love, and my children, from sleepy morning kisses and fierce bear hugs.


I am from loyalty and love.


I am from verses of comfort from Isaiah the Prophet and shooting Gospel Guns while hiding under covers.


I am from the family of God, the people of Jesus, from hymns and choruses (on Sunday nights), from dancing and joy, from flickering flames, golden icons, and incense rising before the Throne.


I am from a mountain town in Canada, from temple squares in Nepal, orphans in Liberia, from tropical beaches and Ganges River sunrises, from long train trips, and First Street in Ensenada, from pignoli cookies and baked zitis, homemade tortillas and refried beans, thali plates eaten with fingers, from massaman curry and pozole and fresh roasted coffee.

I am from stolen kisses on immigrant ships and daring sea rescues, from dreams of utopia in Mexico, from tomato fields and orange orchards.


I am from black and white photographs, from tattered children's artwork in a manila envelope, The Museum, and love letters written on birch bark, from the journals of my Gramps and those who went before him, from heavy photo albums and yellowed pictures.

I am from too many places, my heart left in pieces all over the world.


I am from heaven, my true home, from the saints gone before me, from my waiting babies, from my Savior, and from every tear wiped away.

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Sep. 10, 2007 - Remembering





    These thoughts have been wandering around my mind for a good two weeks now. I've been thinking them, feeling them, holding them close, but they are the hardest ones to write down. But today has some, and today I'm going to try...
    It was a year ago, on August 30, that we learned the baby I was carrying had died. I was ten weeks along, just as I was on August 30 of this year. The days that followed were filled with grief, waiting, fear, peace, anticipation, tears, and much, much love. We waited for my body to give up the one who had already flown away to Jesus. The days stretched on and I nurtured a secret hope that the ultrasound had been wrong, that really my baby was alive and still growing inside me. I resisted any intervention that would take her away.... just in case. I battled against fear, fear of the miscarriage, fear of pain, and waited. Early on the morning of September 9th my body let go of the one it could hold no more. I knew right away I was losing too much blood and my parents came over quickly. My Daddy stayed home with our sleeping children while Erik and my Mom took me to the Emergency Room. The next several hours went by as if in a strange dream; both Erik and I remember it as one of the worst days of our lives. Finally, I was allowed to come home, home to my family, home to my bed and my couch which would cradle me for the next few weeks as I slowly regained the strength that had flowed out of me. Our families set up a schedule so that someone would always be with me; friends and family brought meals. In the midst of the loss I was surrounded with incredible love and care. We named her Esther Bihana Hope. Bihana is a Nepali word for morning, and by it remember Christ's resurrection and through it the Hope He gives to us.
    It took a few months for me to feel strong again. In January I learned that I was pregnant again, and it was only a week before I began to lose that little one. We were once again visited by grief and sorrow, fresh pain for the new loss, and the reliving of the first  loss. Our second baby, Lydia Grace, would be due this month. How many times I've let my mind wander into a place of "if only". "She'd be this old now" or "I'd be this far along now". While those thoughts do come, I've realized how easily I can allow myself to let them take over the joy of the present, and I try not to dwell much on what is not.
    Now, I am 11 weeks pregnant with another life, our fifth baby, another gift from God. I realize that they are all His, on loan to us for a time, and each day we have them is a blessing. But how tightly I want to cling to them! I struggle with fear for the life of this little one; I so desperately want to hold our baby in my arms, to watch this little one grow. As I've relived these events over the last few weeks, the fear has begun to overshadow me, and once again I must do battle. By God's grace, and through your prayers, I will overcome it and embrace the joy of today.
    I'm so thankful when people remember our babies. To me, they are a real part of our family, even though we don't get to know them in this life. My Dad, especially, has often remembered them in ways that mean so much to me. When counting his grandchildren, he included them, and on occasions when our family is all together he will tell me that he misses them too. They are loved and not forgotten. Thank you to those who have remembered me these past few weeks; I so appreciate your prayers and kindness. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon and I ask once again for your prayers. I'm both excited and apprehensive about it, and will let you know how it goes.
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May. 29, 2007 - Grace






This past weekend God's grace was so clearly given to me. Erik and I packed the kids, the stuff, and ourselves into the van and headed up to Washington to spend the weekend with our good friends Doug and Paula, and little baby Parker, who is now a happy, healthy four month old girl. (Many of you prayed for Paula during her difficult pregnancy, when we weren't sure Parker was going to make it into this world.) Paula and I have known each other since our high school days and shared many things over the years. This last year brought us even closer as we were both pregnant and happily comparing notes on morning sickness and due dates. Then in the late summer she nearly lost her baby and spent the rest of her pregnancy on bedrest, praying for a miracle. In September, and again in January, Erik and I went through the pain and loss of miscarriage. When I was weak and unable to be up and around, we talked on the phone nearly every day, praying, crying, laughing, sharing one another's burdens. We joked that if only we weren't two hours apart we could be lying around together.
    As the months went by things looked more hopeful for Paula, and the weekend of her baby shower God helped me get through it with nothing but joy for her. In January, just a week after we knew we had lost another baby, little Parker was born, and again God helped me as I went to visit and hold this little miracle, only days old. As this weekend approached I wondered how it would be; sometimes seeing a pregnant woman in the grocery store is enough to cause me to run out to my van in tears. Seeing other Moms with new babies in church causes the sadness of loss to well up within me more often than not.
    But God's grace was abundant. Throughout the weekend I experienced His peace in my heart, and was full of joy for the beautiful gift He's given to Doug and Paula. I was able to hold little Parker, play with her, and snuggle her without pain for the loss of our own little ones. I was able to look at her and think of my babies, one who would be two months old now, and not be overwhelmed by grief. Of course there was sadness; I wonder what she would be like and would love to hold her in my arms. But I know she is held in arms much stronger and more loving than mine, and I feel genuine peace. I know the journey of grief and healing is not yet over, but I'm so thankful that God is with me, upholding me with His love. I give Him glory for carrying me through this difficult season, and I trust that He will carry me still.
   
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May. 25, 2007 - Green is the Color of Hope





    Some time ago I wrote about new life springing forth in the garden and the hope it gave to me- hope that Spring follows Winter, and that Life comes out of Death in the upside-down Kingdom. This season continues to be one of healing and hope as we move forward. I wanted to share these garden photos that, to me, are promises of Hope and reminders of the triumph of Life:


Tomatillo Blossom




Rasberries




Baby Kiwi




Blueberries




Tomato Blossoms



Strawberries


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Apr. 13, 2007 - Resurrection





    Last weekend was wonderful, and I'm finally getting to putting some of my thoughts on it together. Here are a few of the highlights of the celebration of Jesus' death and Resurrection:
    It is Good Friday; what gruesome and unjust death but our Savior's could be celebrated as Good two millennia later? We gather to remember His descent into Hades. The atmosphere is one of mourning and lamentation, but even in the sadness there is the certainty of coming victory. Candles are lit to symbolize the Triumph of the Light of the world. We walk slowly around the church building singing "Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, Have mercy on us." Outside the  door of the church a bier that represents the tomb is held high and we all walk beneath it and back into the sanctuary. It is a reminder that through Christ's death "we have passed from death into to life." (John 5:24)
     Saturday morning finds us back at church. We remember that Christ is still in the tomb, but there begins to be a change in the "feeling" of our worship. My favorite point in the service is when our pastor walks through the church with a large basket of fresh laurel leaves, a symbol of victory from ancient times. He scatters them, and as the leaves fall around us he cries  "Arise, O God, and judge the earth, for You shall take all nations for Your inheritance" to which we respond with various verses, my favorites being "Judge the orphan and the poor; justify the humble and the needy" and "Rescue the needy and the poor, and deliver from the hands of sinners." I can't help but think of our Saviour coming into Jerusalem on the donkey, treading on palm branches; now we, His people, are reminded of His triumph over death as our footsteps release the spicy scent of the laurels.
    Saturday evening our home is quiet; we put the children to bed and lie down to rest for a while ourselves. After only a few hours we pull the sleeping ones gently from their beds and make the drive back to church. We join with the many other worshipers who have come to celebrate the ultimate victory of Life over death. All light is extinguished; it is still, dark, and quiet, like a tomb. At midnight a single candle is held up. Death could not contain Him, the Light of the World! He is Risen! We are invited to "Come receive the light from the light that is never overtaken by night, and glorify Christ Who is risen from the dead". Quickly the glow of candles, symbolizing the light of Christ, fills the building and we walk outside to pray and sing loudly that "Christ is risen from the dead. By death He has trampled upon death, and has bestowed life to those in the tombs." When we return to the church we find it filled with light and we celebrate with worship, praise, and festivity. We hear the Paschal (Passover) homily* of St. John Chrysostom and all shout together, with hearts full of joy, that "Christ is Risen!" These words, written over fifteen hundred years ago, ring with freshness and life as one and all are invited to the Lord's feast. Later we hear John 20:19-25 read in several languages to remind us that this good news is for all people, that the Light we have received is not to be hidden, but is to illuminate the whole world. We are sent ones, the message of Jesus is for all people and we are to go into all the world with it.
    It is Friday again, and my heart is still singing ""Christ is risen from the dead. By death He has trampled upon death, and has bestowed life to those in the tombs." I hope that yours is too!


*The Homily
(Everyone stands for this, and we all shout out the phrases that are in bold type.)

If anyone is devout and a lover of God, let him enjoy this beautiful and radiant festival.
If anyone is a wise servant, let him, rejoicing, enter into the joy of his Lord.
If anyone has wearied himself in fasting, let him now receive his recompense.
If anyone has labored from the first hour, let him today receive his just reward. If anyone has come at the third hour, with thanksgiving let him keep the feast. If anyone has arrived at the sixth hour, let him have no misgivings; for he shall suffer no loss. If anyone has delayed until the ninth hour, let him draw near without hesitation. If anyone has arrived even at the eleventh hour, let him not fear on account of his delay. For the Master is gracious and receives the last, even as the first; he gives rest to him that comes at the eleventh hour, just as to him who has labored from the first. He has mercy upon the last and cares for the first; to the one he gives, and to the other he is gracious. He both honors the work and praises the intention.
Enter all of you, therefore, into the joy of our Lord, and, whether first or last, receive your reward. O rich and poor, one with another, dance for joy! O you ascetics and you negligent, celebrate the day! You that have fasted and you that have disregarded the fast, rejoice today! The table is rich-laden; feast royally, all of you! The calf is fatted; let no one go forth hungry!
Let all partake of the feast of faith. Let all receive the riches of goodness.
Let no one lament his poverty, for the universal kingdom has been revealed.
Let no one mourn his transgressions, for pardon has dawned from the grave.
Let no one fear death, for the Saviour's death has set us free.
He that was taken by death has annihilated it! He descended into hades and took hades captive! He embittered it when it tasted his flesh! And anticipating this Isaiah exclaimed, "Hades was embittered when it encountered thee in the lower regions." It was embittered, for it was abolished! It was embittered, for it was mocked! It was embittered, for it was purged! It was embittered, for it was despoiled! It was embittered, for it was bound in chains!
It took a body and, face to face, met God! It took earth and encountered heaven! It took what it saw but crumbled before what it had not seen!
"O death, where is thy sting? O hades, where is thy victory?"
Christ is risen, and you are overthrown!
Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen!
Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice!
Christ is risen, and life reigns!
Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in a tomb!
For Christ, being raised from the dead, has become the First-fruits of them that slept.
To him be glory and might unto ages of ages. Amen.

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