I know I haven't posted in a while, but this is something I feel people should know about. Lately, I'v been baffled, confused, and had my emotional life thrown upside-down because of the Lord.

The irony is, it wasn't a bad thing. This is my story, and I hope I'm not the only one that feels this way.

My spiritual life began when I was young - Well, younger than I am now, at least - when I was baptized at the age of nine. It was no baptism out of the ordinary, just a regular, good ol' baptism. Since then, I fiigured the Lord was just someone who was always listening to you - always ready to grant your wish whenever you wanted or needed something. I thought of him as the grandfather figure, who you'd see, or in this case, talk to, every once in a while, he'd spoil you, and be off in a few days, or something along those lines. I thought of him as passive, meek, or mild. So for the next 6 years, I lived my life religiously passive, like it was a routine I had every once and a while to pray, or listen to God. Or a better way to put it, pretending to be a Christian, thinking I really was a Christian, but not knowing what Christianity was all about.

And later in my life, about 5 years after my baptism, I moved to CO., and as all teenagers would think about moving, I thought I would hate it. I mean, moving half way across the country to a place where you know no one can be harsh. So I would live my life, as is if were breathing just to breathe, living because it was life, and it was....it. And I lived this way until just recently, days, even. But I'll get to that part soon enough.

6 Months after my family and I moved to CO., I came to a youth group. I met people, made friends, hung out, and thought that the life of socialistic interaction was what it felt like to be Christian, and to be among them as well. Still, I felt a hunger. As if I was starving to death, with the fear and pain of knowing the death would never come. I sought advice from family, friends, and anyone that I thought could help. I felt like an actor in a play, like I was pretending the entire time. And I know people that do as well. We feel like there's nothing more in Christianity than having a one way conversation with God, and feel helpless because we know of no way that explicitly tells us how to have a relationship with God, as if there should be an instruction manual. I felt like that for three long, aggrivating years. Until, recently, I got fed up, and then, gave up. For maybe three weeks, (I'm so glad it wasn't much longer then that), I didn't pray, thinking it was hopeless until I got someone to talk to about it. But I put it off, longer and longer, feeling ashamed, as if I was the only person in the world ever feeling like a pretender. And after those few weeks, I noticed myself becoming angry; desperate, wordly, and I got the feeling that I was worthless, like I didn't deserve to have the ever so uplifting title of "Christian."

I gave up on myself, on God. Until recently, I found myself feeling that hunger like never before, as if I wasn't able to eat. But it wasn't a pain in my stomache, it was a pain in my heart. So I couldn't take it anymore. I had to relieve this hunger in any way I could. I read the Bible every night for two weeks, and listened to music that worshipped the Lord 'till I fell asleep. It worked, but not as I imagined it would. 

I started feeling that hunger dissipating, as if I were being fed tiny pieces of the spiritual food I longed for so much. Then I received a book our family ordered, and after a while of thinking the book wouldn't help, I thought "Hey, I might as well...what do I have to lose?"

So I read it. And from that second chapter on, my life wouldn't be the same.

While I was reading it, I noticed what I was reading applied perfectly to my life, and to anyone else's who longed more for God. It talked about us listening to what the bible said, but not doing what it said. I saw myself reading the Bible just because it felt like the right thing to do. I wasn't wrong, but I wasn't right. After reading that chapter, and then the Bible, I wanted to do what God's followers were doing. I wanted to give up everything in my possession, and take a long walk, not caring where, to seek God. I wanted to leave that very moment, to take a walk somehere, but being prevented, considering it was 1:30 AM.

When I was reading, for the first time, I heard God. I listened to the One who created this planet, every single one of us, and every star out in space, knowing each and everything he created by name. I couldn't help but shed a few tears, and wanted to get up and walk across country only with the trust I had in Him. I felt like I could move mountains to get to where he wanted me to go. I wanted to leave so badly, but noticing it's not time. Not time for me to leave the life He gave me here. I'll be out there, guided only by His will, someday, but not yet. And in this feeling, I notice we, as Christians, do not rely on faith and trust in God as much as we should. We've taken miracles out of the equation. If we need food, we go out to the market and buy it. If we need shelter, we have a house. If we need something, we can easily get it ourselves. Where does faith come in? When and where do we take our step out of our controlled spaces, and go into the uncontrollable, only with the shirts on our backs? When do we give all our possessions to the poor, pick up our cross, and follow the Lord? We're missing our faith, our trust. We're missing what makes believing in God, actually believing. " Blessed are the poor, for their's is the kingdom of heaven."

Have you ever wanted to give up everything to follow Him?

Have you ever done so?

Will you? Do you plan to in your lifetime?

Our God is a warrior. He is not a passive God, but a righteous, glorious lover and fighter.

-Jesse

So my day was boring until about 3:30ish, when Mary and I went drove over to Alyssa's house to pick her up for taco bell. Mmm, tacos. Brandon (mah bestest friend) was a bit late, but he made it, nonetheless. Afterword, we walked from taco bell all the way to the journey...in 20 degree weather, or lower. I couldn't feel my hands most the time.

We also stopped for Jones soda at the gas station, where I got made fun of about whitie tidie, yet again, and I really think Alyssa will never let that go...but still! >.>

When we got to the journey, we were greeted by Matt and Larry, who were setting up the soda/chips. Brandon and I went over to the gym, played soccer/volleyball for a while, and after that we turned off the lights in the church and played sardines. And after everyone was finished being stuffed into small places, we went back to the home and watched people have wars with..whipped cream...

It was a highlight of my day. :D

-Jesse

P.S, The word of the day is...I'm out of words of the day today. This is your chance to think of your own! :D

The title says it all...Accept for the details. So earlier today, Alyssa and I were bored out of our minds, so we went to a ballet. *Queue dramatic music!*

Whoulda thought...Me going to ballet...Anyway, my dad and I went out to pick up Alyssa for the ballet,  and it was cold...Freezing cold. But I'll get to that later. Anyway, after we got to the ballet, we went backstage for a while to meet Sammy, and afterword, Alyssa and I went down and found a seat.

Alyssa and I shared tictacs and gum while waiting for the show to start, which started about 5-10 minutes after Alyssa predicted. :P

When it started, Sammy was great, along with alot of other dancers. Apparently Sammy played a doll in a large christmas box.

After the show ended, we congratulated Sammy for doing a great job in the ballet, and Alyssa took some pictures of their entire family, and afterword, Alyssa and I went outside...in the frigid, freeeeezing cold. We had our buns frozen off, along with our friggin eyeballs... :D

And after being picked up, my dad and I dropped off Alyssa, and my night ended.

-Jesse

P.S, The word of the day is "Anhero", meaning the opposite of a hero.

P.S.S, I forgot to mention I got eyeballed by a gay man....I'm scarred for life. >.>

So my day started off as my sister Mary and I went over to ERW (early release wednesday) at the church, where we signed in for the day. We went in, and Alyssa greeted us in the game station, along with Larry, Grayson, and a few other people.

Anywho, Alyssa went over to the concession stand, where Mary and I followed, and helped out, as well as getting bruised shins. Why did I have bruised shins, you ask? Well, probably because the entire day Mary was kicking me in the shins....repeatedly. My shins still hurt. But anyway, after all the shin-kicking fun, Mary, Alyssa, Marra (cheekymonkey) and I went over to taco bell, and as you would expect, ate tacos. They were delicious. And afterword, we went over to a gas station for some "desert", where Marra started making the sound of a snoring man, sayign it was a lazy pig. I would of never guessed. >.>

After that, we went over to the journey, played pool, paintball, ETC, and afterword went back to the home for worship, where a few of us had an odd argument about wether smoothies or milkshakes were better than each other.

My shins..they still hurt. >.>

-Jesse

P.S, The word of the day is "Oblivious", meaning clueless as to something happening around or about you.

Today, I went to the Summit, like I usually do on sundays, and it turns out we were doing something different. We were having a baptism for a girl at the Summit named Kinsey. It's a great thing, a baptism is. It's such an amazing thing to see. I mean seeing the Lord come into a persons heart like that is just an incredible thing to see. It's like watching a miracle happen, or at least it's just as amazing as one.

-Jesse

P.S, The word of the day is "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", meaning; 'a lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust found in volcanoes.

Say that 5 times fast. :P

Yeah, the first part (as you probably guessed), I got a haircut. It's no longer..well, long. My hair looks alot like Grayson's, accept it's darker, and doesn't have highlights...I could go on, but i think I wont.

And the "redecoration" part, we completly moved everything around in our main room (the basement, basically). It's very....crammed, now. But still, I'm not complaining.

-Jesse

P.S, The word of the day is "Floccinaucinihillipilliphication", meaning anything as close to nothing without acually being nothing. This word isn't in the dictionary, but it's a real word.

So tonight Alyssa invited me to a church prayer thingy..Turns out she told me 10 minutes before it started, and our driveway takes 10 minutes just to get down. >.>

But anyway, when I got there, i was about 10 minutes late....oops...When i got in, the place seemed like it was closed. 3 out of 4 doors were locked, and I almost left thinking it was cancelled. After i went in, i was greeted by Doug, Alyssa, and Grant, then later on, Ty and Luke. (for some reason, i thought Luke was Caitlin when i saw the back of his head...)

After that, Grant and I started talking about Gymnastics, like how I took it when i was 10, and how much I sucked at Gymnastics compared to him. And, oddly enough, i did the first cartwheel i'v done in over 2 years tonight...mmm, good times.

Anyway, that was basically...it...it was fun, either way.

-Jesse

[] You like being sweaty.
[] Love hoodies and jeans.
[] Dogs are better than cats.
[*] At times, it's funny when people get hurt.
[*] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[*] Shopping is torture.
[] Sad movies stink.
[*] You own an XBox
[*] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[] You own a PSP.
[*] You own a DS, a PS2 or Sega.
[]You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[] You watch sports on TV
[] Gory movies are awesome.
[] You only go to your dad/bro for advice.
[] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[] You like going to football.
[] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[*] Baggy pants are cool.
[*] Fire is cool.
[*] You don't babysit.
[*] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[*] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite
color(s).
[*] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[*] Sports are awesome too.

Now add the numbers up and multiply it by 5.
I am 65% Guyish

GIRLISH:

[] You wear lip gloss.
[] You love to shop
[] You wear eyeliner
[] You have many of the same shirts in different colors
[*] You don't like shopping at hot topic
[] You wear the color pink sometimes.
[] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[] You like hanging out at the mall.
[] You get manicures and/or pedicures often.
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[] You take a long time doing your hair.
[] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don't like the series of Star Wars.
[*]You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance.
[] It takes you around 1 hour to get dressed and put on make-up and accessories.
[]You have more than 10 pairs of shoes

Now add the numbers up and multiply it by 5.                                                                         

I'm 10% Girlish   

That's one strange tag... Well, at least i know i'm more of a guy then I am a girl. :P

PS, word of the day is; coup, the violent overthrow of a government by a small group of people.

Yes, the title is a bit odd, but you'll get what it means after reading this part of my blog

Anyway, my day started out...slowly. I woke up, took my shower, did school, ETC. I was so bored until the Journey started up, so me and my sisters Bethany and Mary drove on over to the Journey. We went on in, when Beth was told by Alyssa that Megan wasn't here. So, as expected, she drove over to pick Megan up. But thats beside the point.

Anyway, Alyssa, Mary and I we're chatting for a while, with Matt occasionally joining in, 'till I went over to the gim-side of the church to hang out with Brandon. He was playing Guitar Hero, and of course, i was messing him up, making him fail the song, ETC. One of the few funniest things i do to him. :P

After that, we went over to the volleyball net and played volleyball for a while, and meanwhilst, i had no luck in convincing Alyssa to play volleyball with us. After playing volleyball, Alyssa, Mary, Marra and I went into a hallway, and they finally convinced me to try dancing. I failed...very, very badly. It was fun though, and i'm still getting the dance memorized now...now if only I could dance the dance how its supposed to be done.

Afterwords, we all went to the home to do worship, and prayer, and watched a nooma video. We were talking about poverty, what we can do to help, ETC. And afterwords, went into small groups, like usual.

And finally, after that, Megan, Bethany, Grayson, Shane, Tess and I got into a debate about life, the usual.The blandness and fun of my day all got mushed together. That doesn't happen often, but i'm gonna complain. :P

And that's basically it. Sort of a bland post, but its something.

-Jesse.

P.S, The word of the day is "discombobulated". I also leave it to you to find out what they mean, just to give you a challenge. :P

Tagged by: Gemstone

What time is it: 5:03 PM

1. Whats your favorite site: Smash bros. dojo

2.If you could go to any foreign country where would you go: Scotland

3.Do you play video games alot: yep

4.Do you go by your middle name: nope. I think i like going by Jesse more than i do Howard.

5.What's your favorite word: Antidissistablishmentarienism,  thats basically a triple negative right there.

6.Whats your favorite soft drink: either Sunkist or Jones soda.

7.Do you like tags: most the time.

8.Whats your favorite movie: prolly 1408.

9.Whats your favorite TV show: either stargate SG-1 or Stargate Atlantis.

10.How many siblings do you have: 4. yeah, i know, i dont get much privacy. :P

11.Whats your dream job: being a youth pastor.

I tag: Cheekymonkey, and...well....thats it. >.>

PS. Word of the day is:  oblong.

So the day started out as me waking up, taking a shower, eating breakfast, and alot of other random things that one would do to start out their day.

Anyway, my day's fun started out at about 12:45, where i arrived at the youth group, (about 15 minutes early. sat through an information meeting about a mission's trip to brazil), and when it was over, i was heartily greeted by our youth pastor, Matt, Alyssa (Gemstone), and a few other people. Then, the community relief started. about 6 people went to paint a back porch, (or something like that, dunno the details), and the rest went to help a family move into a new house. Turns out, i knew said family. :P

So, we moved all their stuff out in about an hour or less, and moved it all inside the new house in about 30 minutes. afterword, the 6 people returned, and we prayed for the people who were moving. They were so happy...well, at least the wife was...>.>

Anyway, afterword, we returned to the home, and stayed for a good half hour. and after said half hour, Gemstone somehow got me into helping with a dinner event at the main part of the church. Overall, it was a toooon of fun. Christian and Andrew were up on stage with their freakin' sick guitar skills, along with alooot of dancers. It was pretty sick, especially the river dancers. (that'd be a pain on their toes >.>)

Most the time, i was either backstage hangin' out with Gemstone, and Megan, or refilling drinks in the back while the waiters/waitress's took said drinks and refilled everyones glasses. my fingers still hurt from the amount of coffee pots I had to refill... >.>

So after all the food was served, all the helpers got to take their fill on the left-overs in the back. That turkey was freakin' good...But anyway, after that, Gemstone, a friend of hers (I cant never seem to remember her name. >.>) and I hung out in the back for a good 20 minutes before we all left.

Overall, that was a freakin' awesome day. Got to help someone move, along with maybe 10 people as well, got to help out at an event at veery short notice, which only made it more fun. However Gemstone convinced me to do it is still a mystery to me, but i'm glad she did. :P

And, sadly, while I was there, somehow my Ipod broke. I mourn my Ipod...not really, i'll prolly just send it in to be repaired. *cough cough* Anyway, my muscles are killing me from moving, my Ipod broke, but it was freakin' worth it!

-Jesse

These looked like alot of fun, so 50 question post incoming!

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1. Whats your favorite animal? cat, probably.

2. Whats your favorite TV series? Stargate SG-1/Stargate Atlantis. (i know, I'm a geek when it comes to TV :P)

3. What's your favorite food? probably chicken sammiches...mmm.

4. What's your favorite band? Switchfoot, definitely.

5. If you had $1,000,000 to spend in one day, what would you buy? 1 million?! i couldn't even spend 300 in a day!

6. What's your favorite candy? probably Kitkat.

7. Do you have any animals? do I? my family has 7 dogs and I have a cat...thats probably a yes.

8. If you could have any animal you wanted as a house pet, which would you get? well, a giraffe wouldn't fit inside a house...so probably a tiger.

9. Whats your favorite movie? probably 1408, considering thats the best i'v seen in a while.

10. What's your favorite color? red.

11. Have you ever dated anyone before? nope.

12. What are you into lately? video gaming, my two youth groups, mah best friend Jesus, ETC.

13. Which candy do you like more; chocolate candy or fruity candy? mmm, fruity.

14. Do you play any sports? nope.

15. If you dont, what sport would you play if you could play any you wanted? soccer, probably.

16.What color shirt are you wearing now? tan.

17.Which do you like more; cats or dogs? cats.

18. Which do you find more confusing; Astrophysics or members of the opposite gender? didn't see that one coming...probably astrophysics. >.>

19. Can you ride a bike? yup. once you learn, you never forget. :P

20. What do you do to stay active? i walk down and back up my long, steep driveway..with weights. >.>

21. What's your favorite fruit? oranges, definitely.

22. What's your favorite vegetable? either broccoli or carrots.

23. Which do you fear more; a bear or a cougar? a bear...'specially if its a brown bear.

24. What's your favorite word in the dictionary? here it comes...it's probably "Antidississtablishmentarienism." (say that five times fast :P)

25. if you could go to any third-world country, where would you go? probably Iceland.

26. If you could go to any state you wanted besides your own, where would you go? probably back to North Carolina to visit family and old friends.

27. If you could name your own state/country, what would you name it? another long word..."Alabamilliacalayta". (yeah, i made it up myself. :P)

28. Do you pronounce the vegetable, "toe-may-toe", or "toe-mah-toe"? toe-may-toe.

29. Are you into polotics? I'm republican, but i hate polotics either way.

30. What's your favorite joke? that's an odd one...oh well, he goes. "God said to Moses "come fourth, and I will give thee eternal life", but Moses came fifth and won a toaster."

31. Which do you prefer; cake or ice cream? mmm, cake. yummy, fluffy goodness!

32. What's your favorite song of the day? "Audience of One" by Big Daddy Weave.

33. Do you have a cell phone? nope.

34. What's your all time favorite song? "Stars" by Switchfoot.

35. What's your favorite dog breed? Husky. i love husky's.

36. What's your favorite cat breed? either a calico or a scottish fold.

37. Have you ever tripped over yourself? yes...many, many times.. >.>

38. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head for over a week? yeah, once. "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavign. thanks Allysa, it still wont go away. :(

39. Which do you think of as harder; riding a skateboard or riding a unisicle? unisicle looks muuuch harder.

40. Do you fear clowns? yeeeah...watched a horrrrrible movie about clows when i was 8 years old...hated 'em ever since. >.>

41. What's an example of something very odd about your person? i tend to think of random words, made up or not, and it makes me want to incorperate them into my sentences somehow. >.>

42. How many years do you plan on spending in college? I plan on spending 4-6..not sure yet.

43. What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say "chicken"? turkey. >.> <,<

44. What's your favorite soda? mmm, jones soda rocks.

45. What are your hobbies? i was into crafting models, painting models, stuff like that...but i haven't done that for quite some time.

46. If you could name your own star/planet, what would you name it? here goes..."Jupitillinearallagrapho" (yes, I made that once up myself as well. :P)

47. If there was one thing in your life you wish you had more of, what would it be? either more of my youth groups, or more of Jesus.

48. What was your favorite grade? 6th was the best.

49. What's your favorite number? oddly enough, i hate odd numbers, but my favorite number is 7. >.>

50. Finally, the last question. Last but not least, which do you like more; pancakes or waffles? that was suspenseful. anyway, pancakes own.

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*GASP*, it's over! that was quite interesting, and a bit odd. Anyway, if you liked it, comment, and i may just decide to make another. ;)

Thanks for reading!

-Jesse

*Wave* Hey everyone. As you probably already know, i'm new. Just got reffered to this site by a friend, and so far, I like what i see, but then again, i haven't seen much. >.>

Anyway, feel free to comment, chat, whatever. :P