My Dad is home from the hospital, and feeling good. My mom has said some things that let me know she understands he's not going to get better, so that's a weight off my mind.
I went to the follow-up appointment for my biopsy yesterday, and all is well there. Just a spot that's probably the result of an old bruise. whew!
We've had two nice days at home in our normal routine. I feel so much better. After running to the hospital so often, seeing out-of-town family, and worrying about what was going on, it feels good to be back to normal. Of course, my Dad is still terminally ill, and that's something we'll have to continue to deal with, but I'm getting a better handle on that, at least for myself. And right now he feels good, so it's a blessing to have this time with him.
Went to visit my dad this evening, and he said he's going home tomorrow. I'm so glad. He also said that he's not going to do any chemo. I'm also very glad about that. Right now he feels good---why mess with it? Better to go home and enjoy what time he has left feeling good. I am so relieved. Not even sure why, but I am. Going to sleep tonight feeling good.
Normally I'm a very optimistic person. I see the glass as half full, look for the silver lining, find the good in a situation. But I don't see any good in this. My dad has bladder cancer. He was first diagnosed two years ago, and was told that if he didn't do anything, he'd have two years. Well, he chose not to do anything (and chose not to tell anyone) and now here we are, two years later. His bladder is full of cancer, and it's spread into his bones. He has a tube draining each kidney,because they can't drain into the bladder. These tubes are the only option, so they're going to be with him from now on. The tubes need to be changed every 6 weeks, but he can go home with them. He has an increased risk of infection, obviously.
Now he's talking about treatment. Whether it's radiation or chemo, I'm not sure. My mom is all optimistic now, saying isn't this good. Well, it will give him more time. But he's still terminal. It's still a matter of months, from what I can gather. What's a few months, give or take? Is that something to get excited about? Not for me. For me it's too little, too late. The time for treatment was two years ago, when he might have actually beat it. Now, when there's no chance, what's the great news?
I guess I can understand my mom: she loves him, and any more time with him is a good thing. But for me, I just can't get excited about it. There's no guarantee that it will even help at all. I can't see getting her hopes up when it's so iffy. No matter what, he's not going to get better. Isn't it better to face that now? Maybe not. I don't know. It's better for me, but maybe I'm an oddball. I've not said anything to dash her hopes. I keep my thoughts to myself. It's just hard.
Happy Birthday to me. I must admit, I've not felt much like celebrating. But the kids were excited, so we went to Pumpkin Fest: the boys got pony rides, we went on a hay ride, ate hot dogs, and looked at giant pumpkins---one was over 700 pounds! It was nice weather---cool, but sunny. Everybody had a good time. The one disappointment was that I didn't get a funnel cake---the boys had been saying that I could get a funnel cake for my birthday cake, but there weren't any. bummer. Still, we had a good time.
We got home and then I went up to the hospital to see my dad. No news yet on the biopsy results, so I guess it will be Monday before we find out. I'm not optimistic. It's an aggressive cancer, and he's let it go for two years, now it's into his bones. I just doubt there's any treatment that's going to help much. We'll see.
My brother and his family are here from Texas. All 5 of them are staying with my mom. I'm a little annoyed---I think it's too much for her right now, I think they should stay elsewhere---but it's not my place to say anything. We're going over tomorrow afternoon---I guess we're having a birthday party for me. Still not much in the mood, but it will be nice to see everyone.
My mother-in-law is in a facility, so my husband will miss some (or all?) of my party going to visit her. She called us last week saying that she could no longer walk. We went through this at the beginning of the year. She has arthritis in her knees, and if she does not keep up with her exercises and keep moving, she loses muscle tone until finally she can no longer hold her own weight (which is all of 98 pounds.) She went to the hospital, which of course was not where she needed to be, but while there she fell and broke her shoulder. Now she is in a facility where she can get rehab, which is what she needed all along. I don't know how the shoulder is going to complicate things though. I guess we'll find out more tomorrow.
I am longing for a few days at home, doing regular life stuff.
They did a procedure on my dad yesterday: his bladder is full of cancer, and there's nothing they can do. His options now are, he can go home with the tubes in his kidneys, and the tubes have to be changed every 6 weeks. This will give him up to a year maybe. Or he can choose to have the tubes removed, and his body will fill up with toxins, he will get sleepy, and be gone in 2-3 days. Not a bad way to go, I guess---just get sleepy and go to sleep. I'm going to see him this afternoon, hopefully he will be willing to talk about it.
My mom is holding her own. She's known something was wrong for a while, so this is not as much of a shock to her as it is to the rest of us. The hardest part for her will be after he's gone.
I am relieved that everyone is on the same page now---we all have the same information. Now we can deal with it as a family. Doesn't make it any easier. I am slowly coming to terms with it, slowly getting a handle on it.
This morning I had my second biopsy; it went well. I will find out the results next week. I'm hopeful that it will come back as nothing, like the first one did.
My dad was supposed to have a procedure yesterday; we waited around most of the day only to find that it wasn't going to happen. Maybe today or tomorrow. It made for a long day. He still looks good and is in good spirits. Still not talking about the cancer. Neither is my mom. Mom is focused on the kidneys---like if they can get them working, then he can come home and everything will be all right. I don't know what to say.
I had a nice visit with my sister from California last night. We talked about Dad and also other things. I'm starting to get a handle on this. I still have a few questions; hopefully I can get them answered this week.
I still need to call my brother and let him know what's really going on. That will be my chore tonight. It all weighs heavy on my shoulders. I wish it wasn't true.
One of my sisters is a nurse; they live in California. She called me Friday night and said she'd spoken with my dad's doctor, and got a very different picture than what my mom and dad have been saying. Apparently, my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer a while back, and chose to do nothing about it. With that choice, he was given two years to live. Now there's a blockage, so his kidney's can't drain into his bladder---that's why his kidney's shut down. The doctor said that they're working to bring the kidney's back. Even if they do, it's just a matter of weeks.
I am stunned. I don't know what to think. This is not what my parents have been saying. My sister was so upset, she flew back here yesterday to see him. I spoke with her yesterday, and she said that his chart confirms what the doctor told her. The doctor said he's been telling my parents this all along.
I don't know if they're in denial, or if they've chosen not to tell everyone the truth. I don't know what to think. I don't want my sister to be right, but there's no reason she would be wrong. I don't know how to approach my parents about it, or even if we should. I just don't know what to think.
When I saw my dad yesterday, he looked good. He's always been so strong, and rarely sick. I can't believe that he only has a few weeks left. I just can't believe it.
My dad is in the hosptial. He's 82 and very healthy---until now. His kidney's aren't working---there's a drainage tube in each one, and they're treating him for infection. Please pray that the kidney's return to 100% and the infection goes. We are optimistic, although he's not out of the woods yet.
I am a wreck inside. Trying not to show it outside. My dad rarely gets sick. He's a big bear of a guy, and has always been strong. He and my mom have been married for 62 years---happily. My mom is doing ok, but this is hard on her. I'm going to see him tomorrow---I'm looking forward to it on one hand, and afraid to go on the other hand. Not looking forward to seeing him in a hospital bed, hooked up to tubes. And I'm not sure what to say---I'm not that great a conversationalist and I'm not sure how to fill the time. I guess prayers for me would be appreciated, too, as selfish as that sounds.
Went to the dr today to get the results of my biopsy. There were two spots on the mammogram, but when I had the biopsy done they could only find one spot with the sonogram, so they did the one spot. That one came back fine---just benign tissue, nothing pre-cancerous. Praise God! That's the good news. The other news is that I have to have another biopsy to get the second spot. It's a different proceedure, using a mammogram instead of a sonogram. It's scheduled for next Tuesday. So I'm not done with this yet. The dr did say that there's a good chance that the second spot will be just like the first one, so that's encouraging. I'm not thrilled about this dragging on, but at least it's just another week or two. And I am very relieved that the first one is nothing to worry about.
On another topic, DS1 asked me something a few days ago: "Mom, what do you think skunks smelled like before Adam sinned, when everything was still good? Do you think they smelled like flowers?" I never ceased to be amazed at how his mind works. I love it. I'm so thankful that I'm able to homeschool, and am here when the questions get asked.
I saw this on my friend's blog, and thought I would do it. Except I'm wondering if I can even come up with 8 things just about me; my focus is so much on the kids and the family, rather than on myself. Let's see how I do.
1. I'm crazy about Christmas. It's by far my favorite holiday: I love the traditions, the food, the music---the whole thing.
2. My favorite color is blue. Nothing else comes close.
3. I enjoy music---almost always have a song in my head. I like contemporary Christian, jazz, Broadway Musicals, classical, hymns. Do NOT like rap, hip-hop, or club/dance music. Not a big fan of opera, either.
4. I used to want to be a writer, when I was younger. I'm a poet, so there's not much market for that, but I had a good time doing it. I don't write much now, since I've had kids---I find my creativity gets channeled elsewhere.
5. I love to drive standard transmission. I think driving an automatic is a cop out.
6. I have been overweight most of my life. I don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about it---too much else to do. Maybe when the kids are older I'll make time to lose weight; maybe not.
7. I am curious by nature. I like to know "why" and I'm interested more in the big picture of things rather than the details.
8. I've had a variety of jobs, including managing a 7-11 store, hanging wall paper for a contractor redecorating Holiday Inns, and delivering newspapers (a big driving route). I like variety. My favorite job so far is being a mom.
I wanted to put in a picture of our pumpkins, but I couldn't make it work---it said I didn't have enough space, and I don't know what to do about that. We have 6 small pumpkins this year. A bit of a disappointment, as was the garden as a whole, but better than nothing. DS1 immediately proclaimed it fine because we can put two on each step, so 6 is the perfect number. I assured him we could still decorate them, even if they're small, so he is satisfied.
I had a biopsy on a small spot on my right breast last week; won't know the results till Monday. I could have had an appointment tomorrow, but declined as Thursdays are so busy right now. Now I'm wishing I'd said yes, just so I didn't have to wait so long to find out. Trying not to worry.
Today was our second music class. It's a half hour class that seems much like what I had for music in grade school. The boys are in the same class, for grades 1-3, so that makes it easy. It's mostly boys, which is interesting. So far they like it. It runs once a week thru December, so it's quite a time committment by my standards. I don't like to be too scheduled, but it's only a half hour, and not too far from home.
My Bible study has ended. There's another one starting in a couple of weeks, but I won't be able to go: we take the boys for some PE time that night at a local college during the semester. So I've traded my Bible study for gym. Hardly seems fair, but we've been doing the gym thing for several years now, and it's good for the boys, and they love it. I guess I'll live.
My Avon business is doing well. Still just my family and friends, but I'm comfortable with that. I'd like to make a little more money, especially with heating season coming, but I'm not quite sure just how to expand. I think God has made a way: I met another consultant at a meeting last week, and it turns out she lives just down the road from me. She's looking to give away some of her customers, and I think she's considering me. How cool is that? God is good!
DS2 lost his first tooth yesterday. It was quite traumatic. Apparently he had no clue what was coming, and suddenly it was gone and there was blood in his mouth. I can't believe he didn't notice it was loose, but he never said anything about it. I had to work to put a positive spin on it, but finally he decided it was ok and declared it a holiday in honor of losing his first tooth. The tooth fairy did come, even though he'd lost the tooth so she couldn't have it. I said she understands that these things happen sometimes.
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Aug. 24, 2008
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A Lesson from Thomas the Tank Engine--?
I was just reading something about homeschooling, and it talked about eliminating things that cause confusion in your home and your heart. That reminded me of a phrase often used in the Thomas the Tank Engine videos when Sir Topham Hat is scolding one of the engines: "you have caused confusion and delay" which is about the worst thing you can do, as far as he's concerned. And that got me thinking. My house is a perpetual mess---that can't-have-anyone-over chaos syndrome FlyLady talks about. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. And I keep trying to do something about it, but I've not had very good luck. Not sure why. If I knew why, I'd change it. So far, I just can't get a handle on it.
I know that part of the problem is that I am a recovering pack rat. I say recovering because I'm much better than I used to be, and am making great progress each day. My husband, however, is still the King of the Packrats, bless his heart. And not one thought of reform in his head. Nothing I can do about that, but I must work around it somehow.
All this to say, that it's a relatively new concept for me to try to get rid of "stuff." I have found it to be a positive experience so far, in the limited boxes I've taken to the thrift store. I like donating things with use in them rather than trashing them; it pleases me to know they may find a good home, instead of cluttering up the landfill. Anyway, when I thought about eliminating confusion today, it occurred to me that maybe that's what I need to do in my house: eliminate everything that causes confusion (and delay?? as in trying to find something in a mess?). Wow. That could potentially be a lot of stuff. "Stuff." I think, however, that I just might be onto something here. If we can't easily walk across the livingroom floor, if I eliminated the things that were causing confusion for my feet, that would solve the problem---and my livingroom would be neater. Same thing in my bedroom, which looks somewhat like a storage room at the moment. If I eliminated the things that caused visual confusion, the room would be neat. This is like an epiphany for me, a light bulb going off in my head. Like when the Grinch figures out that Christmas doesn't come from a store. (Maybe, he thought, it's a little bit more.)
Maybe if I approach it that way, I'll have better success. Hmmmm. And what about guilt? I feel guilty that my house is a mess. If I eliminate all the things that cause confusion, the mess will be gone, and so the guilt will go with it. What a concept! It would be like eliminating confusion from my heart. I wonder if it will work? I'm going to to put this to work pronto and see. I'll keep you posted.
Why is it I never seem to get done all I want to get done? Hubby took the boys to visit his mom today, so I had from about 11am on all to myself. Ahhhhh, home alone---what a treat! I had a lot of chores planned for today, but now at 8:30pm I find myself tired, but with much of my list untouched. I was busy all day, but didn't seem to get as much done as I'd hoped. My list is always longer than is realistic, I think. But it was nice today just the same.
I L-O-V-E my new (new-to-me) dishwasher! Love it, love it, love it!!
I bought a notebook-type thingy that holds CD/DVD's. I wanted it for the kids computer disks, wanting to free up some much-needed space by the computer. What a great thing! I like it so well I went out today and bought another one for the kids DVD's. That should free up a whole lot of space there as well. Hurray for moments of organizational inspiration!
I've not yet bothered to get into the shower, and given the hour and my tired feet I'm thinking of a nice, relaxing bubble bath. Imagine that with no kids to come in and bother me? Oh, my! I won't know where I am!
I'm a little worried that hubby hasn't called yet. He usually calls before they leave, and it's 8:30pm already. It's an hour and a half drive, so if he's not left yet, they will be getting home pretty late for the boys. Good thing we have no set plans for tomorrow and they can sleep in. Well, sleep in is probably an exaggeration, but they might sleep at least a little later than usual. (He did call as I was still writing here, so all is well, just late.)
I got an Avon order from a new customer today, out of the blue, so that was cool. And she wanted a skin care product---my first one! Skin care is something they like you to push, as it's something that will get you a repeat customer. Not being the pushy type, I've not sold any . . . till today!
I seem to be surrounded by dinosaurs lately. Plastic dinos by the computer, wooden paintable dinos fenced in by the dish cupboard, dino books, dino videos. They're everywhere! I already know way more about them than I ever wanted to, and it seems there's still more information I'm given daily from my two eager dino fans. We filter and discuss everything, as we believe in the Biblical version of creation, not the millions of years evolution theory. I think it's good for the boys to realize that not everything they hear or see in print or on the screen is true, even at their tender ages, and dinosaurs seems like a good way to introduce that. Questions are good, and the Bible has the right answers. But, oh, these dinoaurs!
I'm feeling optomistic about getting the messy livingroom and diningroom cleaned up. Not sure why, what has changed, but am feeling better about my chances.
Still not feeling well today. Went to my appt. for a mamogram anyway---figured I might as well, since I wasn't feeling well---why waste a good day on something unpleasant, right? Better to go on a day when I already don't feel good. Ended up with a sonogram, too. Some spot needed a closer look. Of course, then they say that your dr. will contact you. Jeepers, just tell me, will ya'?! Is it ok or isn't it? But noooooo.
So that's my grumpy/complaining for today. On a good note, I went to Staples and got a binder to hold the kids' computer disks, and got them all put in it, with room to spare. yeah!! Takes up much less room, in an area where we can use the space.
I got another box ready for the thrift store, and one of folders to donate as school supplies---and got both boxes out to the truck, ready to go. yeah, again!!
Delivered some Avon while I was out, even though I didn't really feel like it, and got another order from an unexpected source. One more thing to be thankful for.
So, I'm grumpy, I don't feel well, and I'm thankful---is that even possible? Well, I'm trying to count my blessings. Lucky for me God loves me no matter what mood I'm in. Isn't He good? It's days like this that I can just picture him chuckling and patting me on the head. silly girl.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. His mercies are new every morning. Thank you, God!
I am so disappointed! We had plans to visit the zoo tomorrow, meeting up with another homeschooling lounge mom and kids, but I had to cancel. My stomach has been upset all day, and I don't know if it will be better by tomorrow. Usually with me it takes several days to get over a stomach bug. The weather forecast for tomorrow is perfect for the zoo---cool and sunny---so the animals would be out. I'm never sure who likes the zoo more, me or my kids; it's a close call. And now I've had to cancel. bah! Like I said, I'm very disappointed. Plus, I still don't feel well. Makes me want to go back to bed and bury my head. There. That's all my complaining for today.
We had ds2's birthday party today, at a place called Roger's Conservation Center (actually it might have a slightly different name now, but that's what it used to be called): there are picnic tables and grills there, as well as nature trails, and a cool bridge where you can watch the turtles (painted, and snapping) and fish (trout, mostly), and today we even saw a muskrat. And there are nice, clean rest rooms, which is always a plus. We had Gramma and Grandpa, aunt and uncle, cousin and spouse with two grown boys, one of whom shares his birthday with ds2 (ds2 was born on this boy's 12th birthday) so there was lots of food, and lots of fun. And presents! Some Thomas the Tank Engine things, a container for holding bugs you catch, and even a new computer "game" (JumpStart Kindergarten). Oh, and a good old-fashioned sock monkey made by Gramma especially for ds2. Hubby got to eat his favorite Taco Salad that my cousin makes, and I got to be with some of my favorite people. It sprinkled a bit on us, but we ignored it and it went away. A good time was had by all.
It's been almost a year since I quit my part-time job and became a full-time stay-at-home mom. I was---and am---thrilled to be home. Yet I often feel like I should apologize somehow for leaving the workforce, as if I've taken some liberties that might not be mine to take. When I see people from work and they ask how it's going, I always say, "great!" or something like that, and they seem a bit taken aback. Like maybe I should be regretting my decision or something. On the contrary, I've never been happier! But I've felt a little funny about letting that show. Why?
I started working when I was 15, and other than one six-month stint, I worked steadily, sometimes two jobs, until last fall. That's 29 years in the work force. But I didn't have any kids then. Now I do. And that changes everything. Now is the season in my life when I need to be home, to be a homemaker and a mom. I've felt it ever since my first son was born, and it took several years for me to manage it. I was sure that God wanted me to be home, but I didn't investigate why, other than it was best for my kids.
I've recently been reminded of the verses in the Bible where it talks about the place of the older women in the church, how their job is to instruct and help the younger women, to share their wisdom. Now, I'm not sure I'm old enough to share much wisdom, but I do know I'm not a young wife anymore. It occured to me that these verses tell me one more reason why I have God's blessing to stay home: this is the season of my life when I need to be doing that, being focused on my home, and maybe somehow be of help to younger women. Interesting. I hadn't thought of that before.
I do know that God is pleased with my being home. And I realize now that I need to rejoice in that, not only in private, but also in public. I can be proud of being a stay-at-home mom, and I can let that joy show. I need to stop apologizing, and start praising instead. Thank you, God!
Kim at The Narrow Path (http://a-skip-in-my-step.blogspot.com/) has given me this Friendship Award! How cool is that? I want to pass it on to Bobbi at Great Adventures II (http://www.greatadventure2.blogspot.com/) and right back to Kim, as she is such a special blogger friend.
I found a really funny song on another blog, and I'm attempting to put a link to it here:
http://nataliesnexus.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-will-survive-first-year-of.html
Even if my attempt doesn't work, copy and paste it and go there---it's worth it!
I Corinthians 13 For Mothers
Adapted by Jim Fowler
If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place,
but have not love,
I am a housekeeper - not a homemaker.
If I have time for waxing, polishing, and decorative achievements,
but have not love,
my children learn cleanliness - not godliness.
If I scream at my children for every infraction,
and fault them for every mess they make,
but have not love,
my children become people-pleasers not obedient children.
Love leaves the dust in search of a child's laugh.
Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.
Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.
Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.
Love accepts the fact that I am the ever-present "mommy,"
the taxi-driver to every childhood event,
the counselor when my children fail or are hurt.
Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, and runs with the child,
then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.
Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection.
Now I glory in God's perfection of my child.
All the projections I had for my house and my children
have faded away into insignificance,
And what remain are the memories of my kids.
Now there abides in my home scratches on most of the furniture,
dishes with missing place settings,
and bedroom walls full of stickers, posters and markings,
But the greatest of all is the Love
that permeates my relationships with my children.
My Rhapsody Playlist