Dec. 5, 2007 - Sharing and Warning
The past few weeks.....o.k....the last few MONTHS....have been nothing short of a blur of activity.
The blessedness of it has been loads of fellowship with beloved brothers and sisters in Christ. But after they have moved on to their next destination or returned to their homes, we are faced with once again with teh let down and loneliness that seems all the more repressive because of the joyous time now past.
The monotony of our daily routine--cooking, cleaning, laundry, school...has been disrupted by appointments for various checkups and ailments in our family. My dear hubby was very ill. He spend almost 2 weeks in bed, except for making a few phone calls and entertaining house-guests 3 times during their 8 day visit. He had to be sick to "sit out" of fellowship, bcz folks who know us know how much he likes to gab and "gossip :0) and fellowship. Actually, he was sick off and on from early August, and it just crept up on him. He kept feeling better, only to take a turn for the worse. When he was so sick I had to take him to the ER, he HAD to get help. After 3 courses of different antibiotics I think he is finally over it. Whew! When hubby gets sick like that you can't help but wonder WILL he get bettter, EVER! My heart goes out to the dear ladies whose husbands are ill, chonically or terminally, bcz the burden on them is tremendous. But praise the LORD that He will carry our burdens for us, and calm all our fears, if we just trust Him. That is the hard part isn't it...we will lay our burden at his feet, and leave it...but only for a little while, and without warning we grab it back from Him and lament how tired we are, how heavy it is, and we whine that it is too much for us, but we refuse to truly give it up to Christ to carry for us, and handle it all. This is true no matter what our burdens might be.
In the last few years I have had some revelations about someone in my family. For 15-20 YEARS, yes dear Sister, YEARS, I was blaming myself for problems with one of my siblings bcz as children I was not as kind as I could have/should have been. But we were children and children do that to one another. You are supposed to grow up and get over it. However my sibling refuses to let it go. Even my parents admit that what occured wasn't THAT bad. Oddly enough, my sibling, about 5 yrs. ago, finally decided to get right with the LORD-started going to church again, seemed to be moving in the right direction, wanted God's will etc. Each step closer to the LORD mended the brokeness between us and drew us closer to each other, so much so that I felt we were BEST friends. Imagine my joy when my sibling/best friend decided to move to our area closer. It was one of the happiest days of my life, REALLY! I believed that the past was forgiven and forgotten. I'd certainly begged for forgiveness enough times.
A few short months after the move, trouble set in. Phone calls and visits were tense, and I was watching my p's and q's whenever we had a conversation. Finally the dam broke and I was blasted with hateful words as the pent up bitterness of by gone years. To be honest, this was in response to an email I'd sent with the hope of clearing up some misunderstandings about what we believe and why, and was in no way, shape, or form, intended to be a means of condemnation. But that was how it was percieved. Only evil was thought of me, again. During the worst of the call, I sat quietly and took it, but it was too much for me and as he/she was shouting more venomous words at me I tried to say goodbye and I hung up. This infuriated him/her further, and my dear Mom took the brunt of his/her fury, AGAIN. When I composed myself enough to call home, I was in for some eye-opening conversation.
Unbeknownst to me, in the years between my getting married (1986) and this turn of events (2006) my sibling, who to my knowledge was already rebellious, selfish and almost hateful (of my Dad), never grew out of it. For the first 12 yrs. after I got married we didn't live close to my family. We were at least 6 hrs. away in one direction. The nitty-gritty details of daily life weren't passed on to me during our rushed phone calls (long distance was not cheap like it is now). Who wanted to waste money talking about crud. Well, my sibling's announcement of being "done" with us, opened up the pandoras box that was hidden from me all those years.
My poor Mom and Dad, I don't know how they took it. He/she would come home from work and rant and rave at them in their OWN home. Every frustration of his/her life was vented at them, so much so that it was tearing them apart.
And all the years I'd visit home and he/she would get upset with me/at my husband/ at my children, I took the fault. Really. It was not to be valourous, I assure you. Because I had no idea what was happening on a daily basis, and I thought this was only happening when I was around, then surely I must be to blame. Each holiday was ruined bcz of a fight, that wasn't really a fight, but a one-man assault on me, my children, my parents, my other siblings, or my husband. Each visit was prefaced by words of wisdom that were given to keep the instigator happy during our visits. And I still felt that it all boiled down to how I'd picked on, made fun or, and hurt him/her when I was growing up and still living at home. (I was 20 when we got married)
The last fight, after she/he moved closer to us was a revelation to me. My family was at their wits end with the fighting but could not bring themselves to ask him/her to move out.
Well, as time has passed since that fateful day I have discovered a few things about myself and my sibling.
I've discovered what it really means to lament! I mean cry from teh depths of your heart and soul...like the photos of women who've lost their families in some horrific tradgedy. In a sense, I have lost this sibling, again...
This sibling has not really forgiven me, and apart from divine intervention, it appears that it will never happen in this lifetime. In fact, there is so much anger and bitterness stored up that I wonder, really really wonder, if Christ is really in them at all. How can one be forgiven of their own sins and harbor so much unforgiveness for others in their heart. When this sibling goes off on you, it is like the gates of hell are thrown open wide and some demon(s) or evil spirits are rushing at you, assaulting you, visciously, evilly, and were it not for Christ Jesus and the Angels He sends to watch about us, and keep us safe, I wonder what harm they could cause. In my flesh, in my emotions, I am pained deeply, by the cruelty of what is hurled at me, or my family, my parents, my husband...and on top of all that, my sibling has no recollection of what they say to us, and will vehemently deny anything we tell them was said. I am not sure if it is like we read about King Saul, that the evil spirit came upon him, or if there is some type of possession going on. The latter is a bit frightening to be honest with you.
The good thing that has come out of this is that I no longer feel like the black sheep of the family, and I know that this is bigger than just me, my husband and my children. That doesnt make me feel good, bcz there is still a VERY BIG problem here. But I am no longer burdened by misplaced guilt and blame.
I recall my mom praying in front of the TV with the PTL club or 700 club being on....saying things like ***** might be possessed by a demon. At the time I didnt' really get it. I mean I knew ***** was rebellious, unkind to my parents, always on the brink of outrageous anger, but having a demon....I didn't understand. Now, years later, having been exposed to people who I am almost 100% sure had some type of fellowship with the forces of evil, or even satan himself, I can see her point.
The Bible tells us the rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and refers to it as a spirit.
To complicate the situation with **********, ********* is not happy with the gender God made them. ********* is not engaged in same-gender relationships, but seems to hate themself and gender. ******* enjoys hobbies and activities of the opposite gender that ******** is. ********** physically acts, walks, talks etc like the opposite gender, and resents anyone who preaches, teaches or implies that such behaviour is not right. In some ways I think if ******** could settle this with the LORD many other things in ****** life would fall in to place. But if one is unhappy, or even hateful of the gender God has created them to be, it stands to reason that that will confuse and complicate their life until they come to accept and cherish how God made them.
Also, along with the opposite gender activities, likes, preferences, comes other dangers--in the pursuit of fun ********* listens to music and "talk" that insites the spirit of anger, rage, bitterness, rebellion, destruction etc. Those traits in and of themselves give us a clue as to WHO is behind them. The devil is a liar, a destroyer, and wants to take as many people down with him as he can. He will appeal to their flesh and spirit to do it. So take heed dear Moms or Dads, Sisters and Brothers who might be reading this...examine not just the WORDS of the music that you are listening to, but ask the LORD to help you discern the SPIRIT of the music itself. The water might look clean and safe to drink but be full of deadly poison which must be ingested over time before the full efffects are seen and/or felt, but the harm is already done.
Back to my sibling.... once the big fight of last summer blew over, we tried to rebuild what was lost...thus far it has not happened. ******* is not going to church, ********* is opposed to many things that we do in our home and family, ***** had never spoken to me about why the fight had to occur in ther first place. Then last Thanksgiving, a new battle came....and more brokeness and destruction took place that as much as we strive to mend it from our side, we cannot.
Each time we reach out to help, or there is a hurt mentioned, ********** reaches into the recesses of their mind and hurls their own back at us, or justifies themself. It has reached the point that I cannot bring myself to call anymore for fear I will say or do something I'll live to regret.
My parents do not deserve the treatment ********* has given them, and continues to give them when they are around. It is abusive, really. VERBALLY abusive, but I am frightened that if ******* was home would it cross the line and become physical?
I am not writing any of this to hurt my *********. Since I don't want to burden my parents and other siblings with more of this, I am writing it here. Perhaps ********** is unsaved. Perhaps it is a mental illness. Perhaps it is all spiritual...or a combination of all three. I do not knwo. IF NOT for my Mom and the pain it would cause her, I would be done with *********** myself. No-one needs this stuff. My husband, and children and I have had more than our share of difficult situations-some our own fault. We do NOT NEED this. But I am at a loss what to do.
I have been reading a book called "Splashed of Joy in the Cesspool of Life". The author recommends giving people to the LORD. She suggests using a mental picture of Jesus sitting on His throne. Picture yourself putting your *********** in a box and tying it with a big bow. Now watch yourself carry it up the steps to Jesus and sit it at His feet. Turn and walk away, only glance back to see Him open it and take ****** into His care. Walk away and let Jesus take care of *********. This has really really helped me alot. BUt I know there are many others in the same situation with a loved one. It is very hard to come to the place of saying and meaning "Whatever LORD"
The problem is that we don't say it soon enough....WE try to fix it. WE try to convince or show or guide or point or..... when like the disciples....we are not powerful enough to do it...ONLY JESUS can.
Please if you have read this, pray for my sibling...pray for our family....pray for ******** to be saved, or get right with the LORD-really right.... and pray that the LORD will continue to give me the strength and peace to say Whatever LORD--do what you must.
