This season of sickness from which we are emerging feels much longer than it really is. It has definately given me a greater appreciation for our overall health and wellness. Praise the LORD that it is temporary, and that we will one day leave this behind, and even the worst pain and suffering will be forgotten.

Bro. Bob had a birthday on Sat. We baked him a cake. He was very touched to get a new Bible and Charity made a cover for it. I'll work on loading some of them later. I am a bit rusty at all this, and now that we are moving back into a normal routine, there is so much hanging over my head that I almost don't know where to begin.  Guess I will need to make some lists and prioritize tasks. 

My brain has felt foggy the last month or so. Email and basically even a conversation has beeen hard. For the first time in several years I have gotten online only to sit and play games.  Then I start to feel guilty about NOT feeling guilty. Isn't it amazing how the enemy wants to control us with guilt? 

Bro. Knox preached a sermon when we were up in NY, and I forget which one it went with, but he reminded everyone that though our souls are saved, our mind is not. That is why Paul talked about "renewing our minds" that is why we must immerse ourselves in the word of God. The only difference between a Christian who is living for God and one who is living for self, is God's grace, and staying in the word. Keeping our hearts clean. Renewing our minds daily. How shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed there to according to thy word.

In the past few weeks of quarantine by our own volition, I've thought alot about my dilemna with my friend--the phone call from a previous post--and I realize a few things. The reason I am going to share this with you is to help those who might read this, should they be enveloped in a similar situation. Some of what I am going to tell you I have not yet done, yet. But I hope to be able to soon.

Eph 5:11

And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove [them].

Confession time: don't hate me, ok?  While we've been sick we've watched a good bit of TV. In fact, we never watch so much of it except when we are sick. It is discouraging really--you finally can't do much but sit and stare, or "veg-out" and there is nothing suitable to see.  Anyhow...I am getting a little ahead of myself.

Reverse.... Since that fateful phone call, I have done MUCH thinking about it. The rest of this post is a conglomeration of my conclusions, and response(s) to my friend. 

First, my beloved friend, is not living her life for the LORD JESUS. Her goals and desires are not well pleasing to Him. In fact, I hate to admit it, but some of the things she enjoys are completely opposite of godly. And I mean that in the fullest sense of the words. There were some sports she was into for years. Yes, it bothered me--the beer ads, liquor company sponsors, and the numerous commercials for mens products, and worst of all , this all was on Sunday--is it any wonder these folks in the sports world don't see a difference in our lives and have no desire for Christ?  Ok..sorry...coming back now... ALL that I could "live with" and just shook my head to myself. The history between us is not the greatest. There were many years of silence between us, because of childhood wrongs done to her. Each encounter I am reminded and blamed for everything wrong in her life. alright..sorry..I guess I have just held this all in so long it is spilling over and making little sense to any of you... don't feel bad, I can't make alot of sense out of it either.  Anyway, the history lesson had to be given so you see where this is all coming from... alot unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, that has freely grown over the years, and held onto like a trophy. 

So, what am I to do?  About 6 maybe 7 years ago, there was a huge turn about between us. She was going to church, growing, saying all the things a christian who wants to please God says.... The old contentions between us seemed like they were forever behind us, and we became BESTEST FRIENDS up until 2006.  I though BFF.

I'm not sure WHY, but in a few short months we went from   to    .  To this day she has never told me what I did or didn't do. And from there, 2006 to the present, it's been a downward spiral. Nothing I say or do amends the problem.  Honestly, I am not strong enough, or weary enough, yet, to pray, whatever it takes LORD. The possibilities of WHAT it would take, and the SEVERITY of that, is a bit overwhelming at this point. 

My foggy brain... sorry.... This is heavy on my heart and mind. It isnt' everyday you lose your BFF, ya know???? 

Guess what I realized?  The unravelling of our BFF-ness... I refused to see it, I clung to it, and wouldn't let go. That is why it is unravelled instead of just a clean break.  (Many marriages are like that, but that is another topic for another day) 

It seems to me, now that I have stepped back a bit from it, that I tried to keep a friendship alive that was already dead. Our friendship was on life-support--and I am/was the one with the choice of pulling the plug, and I didnt'. I kept hoping if I did this, or tried that, or said this, or just didn't say anything...... it would help. I've watched in silence as she destroys her own life, but refuses to accept any responsibility for her actions. In fact, she sees nothing wrong with her actions, and when she does she excuses herself somehow. For example, were any of us who know her, to be cranky or extra sensitive one time, and snap at her, she'd be highly offended, no matter what the reason, BUT she snaps, and bites, and tears, and rips at the people who care about her, who put up with her, who love her, and denies she hurt them, or makes an excuse for it-hungry, tired.... and we are all to just take it. And we have, to keep peace. well, it hasn't worked. 

Remember I am just putting all the pieces of this scenario together even though it's been in the works for decades, literally!! 

She commented to me that I always think I am right. Naturally I protested. LOL  But in retrospect, understanding her rationale, I can see how she feels that way, even though I thought I was just trying to be a good friend and help. 

Unfortunately, you can't force someone to accept your help. And when they too have been well taught what the Bible has to say about sin, and they disobey God's word, and they know you are trying NOT to disobey,...it just doesn't sit too well . That is why she accused me of thinking I am always right.  In that sense, she is correct.

Regardless of my calling or not calling enough, what we had 3+ yrs ago has died. God can revive it, but He won't force that. And neither should I. That is what I have tried to do all this time.

She may very well had justifiable reasons to be upset with me, but the diffference in where we are at in our walk with the LORD, is why we are at the point of no fellowship. (and I say that with all humility, because I KNOW KNOW KNOW that it is ALL GODS GRACE that I am here and not out in the world, living for the flesh, and the devil)   Its really hard to know when to let go sometimes. But I am letting go of the friendship that was and is no more, and if God so wills to grant us a new lease on that friendship, I'll take it, but for now I have to step aside and stand for righteousness and holiness.

I do not know the state of her mind and heart as God does. From what I hear, see and know, it will be a long road to recovery. I don't know all of what she has involved herself in, but some of what I've seen is rebellious and evil and wicked, and it feeds that side of human nature. (It would feed my flesh, selfish side if I got into too). 

Part of me wants to tell her that the real issue isn't between us, it's between her and God. I don't like not having peace about her salvation. She stated that when she was really bad, 10yrs ago, she still felt guilty so she knew she was saved because of that. However, except for the few yrs she was going to church, if the fruit in her life is evidence of anything at all, it says loudly that her salvation is questionable at best. She grew up in church, hearing what was right/wrong. It is natural that she'd feel guilty, but not evidence of being saved, right? 

One thing is certain, I will always love her, and I will never purposely be unkind, or try to hurt her, even though in my flesh I want to reallly give her a piece of my mind, for this present time until whenever, for the sake of my children and I,  we MUST take steps away her. This is to keep us sane, prevent future fights, and in accordance with Scripture 

Eph 5:11

And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove [them].   I' know that many of you might have already faced a situation such as this with you family, friends or neightbors. And like anyone who has had to do this, it isn't easy to do.  My heart is very open to restoring her, ASAP, but she has to want that. Right now, that seems highly unlikely. However God's ways are not ours,and just when we think all is lost, Jesus comes walking on the water and works a miracle.  Please pray for all of us, and the God will be glorified through it all

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