I'm not usually the type of person to worry very much.  I've got a lot of worriers around me and I tend to be the one who stays level headed about whatever problem there is and know that God is in control of the situation.  But....this past week, we found a lump in my son's neck and I somehow lost that way about me.  I was worried....almost sick.  I knew in my heart that it was probably just a lymph node, a common occurence in a strange spot, but I kept thinking of people who have lost their children to cancer.  I was trying very hard not to think about it, but kept coming back to that spot.  We decided to take him in to the doctor and the doctor was a bit concerned.  He ordered a chest X-ray so he could rule out lymphoma.  I felt ok about getting the X-ray, assuming it would most likely be negative (they were looking for swollen lymph glands in the chest cavity).  The doctor said that if it came back negative, he'd write on the orders for the tech to tell us.  Otherwise, he'd have them send the film back to the office with us. 

Well, he came out of X-ray and the tech said she could not tell us anything.  She said she couldn't read it without a doctor and the doctor over her was away to a meeting.  My husband comes out to tell me this and I secretly wonder if that's her way of stalling us...and that it really is a positive X-ray.  We go back to the doctor's office and tell them to please, please call us as soon as they find anything out because I'm really starting to get concerned.  I was nearly in tears.  My husband was staying home from work with us until we found out.  We went to Walmart to help pass the time and got some lunch.  Finally, the doctor's office called and said that the X-ray read negative and to just watch the lump and if it gets any bigger, to call him....otherwise, he'll check us in a month. 

We of course felt much better, but I got to thinking, why was I so afraid?!  Every time I was thinking bad thoughts, I would quote the scripture "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind".  That definitely helped....but it was amazing how fast those thoughts would creep back in and I would be quoting that Scripture again.  As I've thought more about it, I can see that I am afraid to let God fully have my children because I'm afraid he'll really take them from me.  I do know that God always knows what is best for me, but then I see people going through the loss of their children and I can hardly bear the thought.  It's every parents' worst nightmare.  How can that be best for them?  Any thoughts on how I can get through this mental block of mine?  I guess it all boils down to trust in our Creator....and I need to continue to seek him and know that know matter what, my children will be fine and they will be even better with Him than they would be with me.  Can you imagine being Moses' mother and putting him in that basket?  or being Hannah and knowing that once baby Samuel is weaned, off to the temple he goes?  I think I'd be determined to nurse that child for a lloooong time!