I am really good at sharing the good stuff, but not so good at sharing my failures.  My blog has been sadly neglected (again!) because I was just too depressed to post about my fall after a few good weeks following a schedule, keeping up with schooling and keeping up with housework. 

Really, it is amazing how Satan can kick us down in the most obvious ways, and still we don't see it.  We hear those little whispers in our heads - you know the ones - "You always fail at this so you might as well give up now" or "You are hopeless, why even try" or much, much worse.  He delights in telling us how worthless we are, how we can never overcome, it will never be better, etc.  We think this only happens with "spiritual" things - prayer, Bible reading, daily quiet time, etc., but it happens in the everyday things as well.

This is how it happens for me:

I was having a few really good weeks.  Life was going along rather smoothly and I seemed to be conquering something I have struggled with my whole life.  My lack of organizational skills, chronically messy (dirty!) house and habit of procrastination have beaten me down time after time.  I grew up in a messy (dirty!) house and I promised myself that I would not let my children live that way.  I didn't want them to ever be embarrassed to have friends over, like I had been.  Well, as I said, everything was going pretty well.  I was patient with the kids, I was sticking to the schedule, but able to be flexible with the inevitable interruptions, I was slowly conquering the mess in the house.  Then the words I had always dreaded were said - "My mom says your house is dirty.  You need to clean it up!"  The words came from innocent 5-year-old lips, but they tore at my heart.  I cried for days and I listened to all of Satan's lies - "You're no good!"  "I told you you would fail!"  "You don't deserve any better."   And on and on and on.  I gave up on it all.  I quit cleaning the house, except for what had to be done to eat.  I did very, very little school with the kids, very little therapy with Bekah, quit talking to my friends, and just sank into depression.  I laid down my armor and gave up the fight.  It took several weeks, but The Voice of Truth is finally getting through to me again.  I have realized that this is a spiritual battle.  It may seem common to some, but this is where Satan knows that I am weakest and that if he can take me down here, I will be useless in all other areas too.  I have refused to take this area of struggle to my God, the God of ALL things, even my house!  I guess I figured that it was not "spiritual" enough for God and that I should handle it on my own.  Let me tell you - that does not work!  I am resolved to rely on God, not myself.  I know that I may fail again and again, but I will get back up and get on the path again and through Christ, I will overcome.  It sounds silly to say that God will help me keep my house clean, but the messy house is just the symptom.  The real issues are self- control, faith and persistance in prayer (among other things) and I am confident that God will help me overcome and make me more like Jesus in every way.  My new favorite song in " Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns.  I will leave you with the lyrics:

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth