I received a question in an email today from someone who had heard me speak once, asking what to do about a 5-year-old perfectionistic daughter who refused to speak in the house as a way of controlling the parents.

That's an interesting problem, isn't it? That little girl is probably above average intelligence. She's figured out how to push her parents' buttons already.

I think kids often do this--they try to find ways that they can have control over the family by controlling their own behaviour in a negative way. Refusing to talk is perfect. The parents get all upset, and after all, how do you make a kid talk?

What I told this woman was that I wouldn't put up with it. You have to win some battles just so that the child knows that they are not in control. For one thing, it's an issue of obedience and respect. For another, it can be scary for a child to truly have that kind of control over the family.

So I told her to set up family rituals that involve speaking and singing. Not to single out this one child, but to force her to participate in family activities, so that she is not the center of attention. For instance, you can begin each meal by everyone stating what their favourite thing to do today was. After dinner you can work on memorizing a Bible verse as a family. You can sing your "morning" song and your "evening" song as you clean up, like "Jesus Loves Me" and "This Little Light of Mine". And if the child refuses? They don't get to participate in family things, like movie nights or games nights or even family mealtimes, perhaps.

I hope that's not too strict, but I just don't think we should give in when children try to hijack the family. The problem, it seems to me, is that we've gotten away from this idea that parents should set the tone for the house, and we've allowed children to do it. It leads to a lot of self-absorption and to dangerous behaviour when they're teenagers.

Right now, my 12-year-old has started rolling her eyes. That's not going to last very long, I assure you. She's a really wonderful kid. But she's starting to act in some ways like a typical teenager, just as she acted like a typical 18-month-old when she had temper tantrums all those years ago. But we didn't stand for that, either, just like I won't stand for the rolling her eyes thing.

But what do you all think? The woman emailed me back and said she liked my suggestions, and she was going to try them. So I'll be eager to hear how they turn out!

• Post A Comment! • Send to a Friend!

Posted by bethanyrae

What do I think? You can't let her get away with it, for sure. But I've learned that I can't let my life/routine be changed in any way by their passive-aggressive behavior. I just have to ignore it. Adding activities that I wouldn't normally do, just to get her to talk, is responding to her attempt to control. I've got such analysts in my family that they would have caught on to that immediately, even at a young age. Not going to fall into that trap! But if my ignoring her would make her get aggressive, that would require a different tactic. Might need advice on that one!
bethanyrae

• Permanent Link

Posted by onfire

glad she came to you for advice ... that was bang on.
I really enjoyed hearing what Kevin Leman had to say when my husband and I went to see him last month. He calls it reality parenting.
too bad it doesn't seem to be a reality among most.
Kristina

• Permanent Link