Happy thanksgiving all my American friends! It's just a regular old school day on my side of the border, but we're taking a lunch break right now and I thought I'd write.

I interviewed Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller from the National Center for Biblical Parenting yesterday on my radio show about their book How to Stop Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids. We had a great time, and I'll probably have them back.

One thing they talked about that I really appreciated was the definition of honouring your parents. It's not obedience; that's only a portion of it. Honouring goes beyond that. It's doing more than you're asked and doing it with a good attitude. It's not trying to get away with the minimum.

They suggested a bunch of games to help kids catch the fun of honouring. For instance, if they're asked to set the table, they have to set it, but then think of a way to go beyond that. Maybe drawing pictures to go on the place settings? Putting a napkin in Mommy's lap? Helping to clear afterwards? You can then turn around and do it to your kids, too. We honour them when we read that extra chapter at night, or drive them to a friend's house to play even when our schedule is packed tight. If we talk about these things, they may get the definition a bit better and be more inclined to help.

I really liked what they said about complaining, too. But maybe I'll make that a separate blog post!

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A post by schoolworks got me thinking about this question. She was reporting on a woman she knows who says she hates being a parent. I think that's actually quite common, though few come out and say it just like that. Homeschoolers, I don't think, fall into that category or we wouldn't homeschool. But it is common. Here's what I said on schoolworks' blog:

I think it's very common, really. But I think it all comes down to the way you raise your kids.

Have you ever been around kids you just can't stand? None of us wants to admit we don't like certain kids, but if we're honest, they're out there. And chances are it's because they're out of control, or they whine, or they're just difficult children.

Those kids didn't get like that automatically. Some kids are definitely born more challenging than others, but with the right parenting you can channel them in the right direction. But a lot of parents don't know how to really parent, and it takes too much energy. So they drive their kids to all these activities, they buy them the toys they want, and they let them watch TV a lot.

And what happens? Their kids aren't that fun to be with. Parenting is now miserable because your kids treat you badly and aren't pleasant. No wonder people don't like being parents! Essentially, I think, many people are raising kids that are very difficult to like.

We aren't modelled good discipline and consistency in our society, so when it's time to be a parent, many parents don't know how. And then it's downhill from there.

My children are very pleasant to be around. They weren't necessarily when they were two. But we worked on them, and their characters are now lovely. It takes work, and it's hard, just like you said. But it's worth it. I only wish more parents could see that a little work when kids are young yields great rewards.

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My 11-year-old is growing up. It's wonderful, but at the same time you feel like she's a whole other person. I don't always know what's going on in her head anymore, and I think that's good. She needs some space.

But one thing I've been so happy about is how well she seems to be making the transition.

She started youth group at church this year, and the big difference that I see between her and the other girls is that she's not so reticent to talk to the boys. Some of the boys are her best friends! It seems that in school there's so much gender segregation that it's not "cool" to be with someone of the other sex. Rebecca's never really experienced that, so she makes friends from among kindred spirits. As such, she's very popular, from what I can see. And she doesn't care what other kids think of her to the same extent that some of the others do.

It's funny, because last year we were struggling with her because she just felt like she didn't have a lot of friends. She wanted to go to school just so she could be with some friends everyday. So we started praying for her to find friends, and this year she's connected a lot better with a family that lives close to us, she's had a much better time in the homeschooling coop and is socializing more with the kids there, and she's found her youth group. I think she'll be happy to stay home.

So prayer works!  :)

Sure she gets moody. All girls her age do. But she has a very positive outlook on life, and she's really coming into her own faith life, too. It's wonderful to watch. She's a joy today compared to what I was at her age, and I think most of my problems were school based. I'm actually looking forward to the teenage years!

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Don't worry all--

I'm working on a mammoth post regarding what poems to memorize when, and it is coming!

But I just want to report in on something more mundane.

I went over to a friend's house tonight to do a mother-daughter stamping night, where we made Happy Birthday cards.

It was tons of fun. The girls and I each made two cards, and they were really cute. A while ago I bought a ton of stamping supplies, but I have yet to get them out really. I guess I just never thought I had the time. But it's a nice idea to do with little girls, and I can see us making a lot of Christmas cards soon.

I was thinking it might be a fun activity to do at a birthday party for little girls. Anybody have experience with this? I'm always looking for something to do with 10-12 year old girls, and this sounds like it might fit the bill.

I also thought that stamping cards might be a good business opportunity for my girls. They could make up let's say 10 designs for the main kind of cards, put a portfolio together, and then take orders. It wouldn't be an expensive business to start, but if they were high quality, you might be able to sell cards and make some extra money and do craft fairs and things.

I think entrepreneurship is where it's at when you homeschool. I'm always on the lookout for things the girls can do! Maybe I'll have to suggest this....

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So I'm finishing up practising for my seminar that I'm giving tomorrow on creating Joy-Filled Families. You can read Part I below. Here's the jist of what I'll be saying for Part II. Please comment!!! I'd love to hear what people have to say before I give it tomorrow.

So Part I was about Banding Together and creating a strong family unit. Part II is Be Yourselves.

Or, in other words, figure out who God has made you as a family, and pursue that. Don't get caught up in other things.

In order to be ourselves, we first have to bring out the best in each other. That means discipline in the house. You can't have a joy-filled home filled with kids who pick at each other or whine or disrespect. Joy-filled doesn't mean happy-go-lucky.

You also need to commit to having genuine fun, which will always centre around people, not technology. It also requires time.

Write down your funny stories. (Remember that time we turned the Thanksgiving turkey purple using that new recipe? It tasted great, but it was PURPLE!). Figure out what you guys find fun.

But more than just fun, figure out what you guys were called to do. Real joy comes from discovering your purpose. From feeling worthwhile. We tend to think of purpose on an individual level, but it applies to families, too. In 1 Chronicles, which is a dry book if there ever was one, one of the amazing nuggets to be gleaned is how God called out families to work for him--some to play instruments, some to sing, some to create amazing art. They were called by families. What is our family's purpose?

Problem is we buy into society's version. We want more and more stuff, bigger and bigger houses, or maybe just to be Martha Stewart. But what is God calling you to?

You have permission to be different! And not just different, but also the authority.

We rely too much on experts when it comes to families. We listen to teachers, school boards, or Oprah to tell us how to raise our kids. But who knows our children best? Who has the most stake in their outcome? Trust the Holy Spirit.

When we're being ourselves we're finding out who God wants us to be, rather than giving in to peer pressure. Some kids will succomb, if only for a few years. But if they have a strong foundation, they're more likely to be wonderfully, beautifully counter-cultural.

If you want to help them on that road, call out their gifts. In the Old Testament people blessed their children: spoke into their futures, because they knew their kids best. Do that for your kids.

Here's how I bless Rebecca: (I base it on Rebecca's blessing in Genesis 24:60):

Rebecca, may you be the spiritual mother of thousands upon thousands, and may your children bring good into the world and crush evil beneath their feet.

And I say to her:

May God use your fingers and your voice to sing his praises, and to help others enter into worship of our King.

We can all do that. And the kids eat it up. It's beautiful.

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Mark Peters, in his weblog, notes this coming from the UN:

Violence at home, school and care facilities is a part of daily life for hundreds of millions of children around the world, a United Nations report released Thursday suggests. [...]

While the report notes violence in the home usually doesn't leave serious or permanent physical injuries, it is most often accompanied by psychological violence, including threats, belittling, isolation and rejection.

"Violence against children in the family may frequently take place in the context of discipline and takes the form of physical, cruel or humiliating punishment," said the report.  

So if you threaten a child ("if you don't clean up your room you're not going to Sally's birthday party"), or spank them, you're abusing them. Now I don't spank my girls. Maybe if I had had boys.... But I was always afraid I'd spank in anger, and I don't find it necessary with them. But come on. It's not abuse.

I love his conclusion:

Now, unfortunately it appears that our son is a victim of domestic violence at the hand of both his mother and me. This evening we will have to turn ourselves in at the nearest RCMP station and make our children wards of the state lest we commit any more violence against their fragile bodies and minds. After all, the 21st century world government has determined that parenting is illegal.

Read the whole thing.

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I'm speaking on Saturday to a family group on "joy-filled families".

I do a lot of speaking to women's retreats, and I'm quite comfortable doing it.

But this one I'm finding a little tricky--probably because I've got so many thoughts on the subject swirling around that it's hard to pin it down.

But here's my first point. See what you think, and then add more in the comments! I'd love ot have more ideas.

Okay: Joy-Filled Families Band Together

I don't think joy just happens. Joy isn't the same as laughing at a knock knock joke or hugging your kid, although both can be a part of joy. Joy is a consistent sense of peace and contentment and well-being that springs up regardless of circumstances. And in order for families to achieve that they need a good foundation. That foundation begins by first and foremost putting the family unit first.

God said in Proverbs 6 that seven things are an abomination to Him, including those who cause discord in a family. It is His desire that families be united, because it is through families that we learn morality, faith, love, and all that good stuff in life. It's in families that we get our self-esteem and our sense of identity and purpose. And so we need to feel secure in our families.

But for many of us family hasn't meant primary relationship as much as it has meant lately those with whom we share a home and organize our busy lives with. Mom means coordinator, rather than trainer and supporter. Dad means provider rather than leader. And siblings? They're just to be tolerated.

The world works against families. Think about it this way: our primary way of organizing kids is to put them in classrooms filled only with people born in the same year they were. If that isn't artificial I don't know what is. When else do we only socialize with people born in our birth year? Yet we think it's natural. So kids think it's natural not to play with siblings or to eschew adults. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Then TV, computers, internet, even extracurricular activities intrude.

Then the world begins to tell you you're not good enough. Experts, like teachers, tell you how you should raise your kids. Even the church can be partially guilty of this.

All of this means that families often come last, not first. And the result? A Judith Harris book in 1998 called The Nurture Assumption showed that by age 11, most children got their opinions, ideas, and identity from peers and teachers rather than parents. Our kids need a foundation of family to feel secure and attain joy. Otherwise they'll always be searching after that ever-elusive cool. And to have family first takes deliberate priorities of putting family above jobs, money, friends, even church.

But that's how God intended it. And that's how it works best.

Okay, that's point one. Tomorrow I'll post points two and three. I'd love your input!

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