Posted in Personality and Homeschooling
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Yesterday I wrote about our struggle with piano lessons for my youngest, and people have been writing to me asking if I really think I should push her so hard. So here's my parenting philosophy and the reason that we do! One of the big issues with kids today, I believe, is that the world revolves around them in a way it didn't for kids a century or two ago. In those days kids had to work, and work hard. Today, from the moment they are born, our lives revolve around our kids. They become the centre. We take them on play dates, take Mom & Tot swimming, buy them lots of toys, and expect very little out of them. Children, I believe, have a healthier sense of self when they feel self-reliant and useful. But children today aren't useful; too often they're accessories of the parents while we buy them all the latest things and try to make their lives go as smoothly as possible. But real life doesn't work that way. In real life your life only goes smoothly if you work and are responsible. But we don't have very many ways of teaching children that today. In our house the kids do work, though not nearly as hard as children used to. But they have their chores, and they make dinner occasionally, and they clean toilets. It's great. Nevertheless, I'm not sure where they actually learn the value of hard work. Because they're homeschooled, though, my kids lose out on two things they may learn at school: getting 100% for working hard, but also having to sit through something they really really don't like. On the one hand, I'm ecstatic that they don't have to go through that. I hated watching the clock inch towards 3:10 when we would get out of school. I try to make schoolwork fun for the kids, and interesting, and for the most part I think I succeed. But at the same time, at some point children need to learn the discipline to plow through something they don't like. In life sometimes we have to do things we hate for the greater good. And the sooner you realize that since you have to do it, you may as well have a good attitude about it and get it done, the better. When they complain and whine about it, they make everybody miserable. One day my girls are going to have jobs. They're going to have homes to take care of, jobs to do at church, income tax forms to fill out. You can't procrastinate forever. You have to just do it. And I want to feel that my children were trained that when distasteful things come along, you take a deep breath, work as hard as you can, and get it over with. I don't want their whole lives to be about that; I really don't. On the whole, I want them to have lives that are interesting and broadening and exciting. Occasionally, though, they do need to buckle down, and they need opportunities for that. Rebecca, my oldest, will. If she doesn't like something, she has realized that just getting it over with is the best offense. So she does. But Katie, with everything in life, doesn't. Her first instinct is to complain, whether it's schoolwork or chores or piano. If it were just piano, I might let this go, and let her learn only the way she wants to. But it's with everything in her life, and so I'm really worried that it's more of a character issue. So the reason that I am so strict with piano is that I want her to learn that valuable lesson. Practising for 25 minutes a day, hard, isn't so bad. She has the rest of the day to do things she likes, after all. And if she put her all into it, she'd be done lessons for good in a year and a half. She really would. But at the rate she's going it will take three years. I'm not trying to make her whole life hard, but learning to overcome procrastination and laziness is an important skill to teach children, and it's one I'm still battling with myself. Does that make sense? Have you ever experienced this in your home? I think Katie will be an incredible pianist one day. She's already at the point where she could play for church. But even more than that, I want her to a person who doesn't complain, who is helpful, who is the first to jump in when something needs doing and just gets it done. I think 11 is a good age to start learning that. We'll see how it turns out! Don't forget to check out my main site for more parenting articles and books on making homeschooling go more smoothly! |
Posted in Personality and Homeschooling
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According to birth order experts, the first child encapsulates all your hopes and dreams for the future. Because they are the first, your life is totally taken up with them, and they are totally taken up with you. They don't have any older siblings to stare at or to watch, they only watch you. Thus, they tend to become the overachievers, the ones who want to please the parents. They have strict standards for themselves, and are far more likely to be perfectionists than other kids. When the second one comes along, though, the parents are looking for something else. They want someone who can meet their emotional needs, instead of their dreams in the long-term. So the second born is a little more carefree. And it makes sense, because as a baby they're not primarily being stimulated by over anxious parents. They're watching a toddler fall all over themselves. Nothing is set in stone, of course, but this is a pretty good guess as to what your children will be like. And mine fit it to a T. Rebecca is my overachiever. It's hard to get her to do something if she's afraid she may fail. Right now the homeschoolers are trying to put together a soccer team, and though she loves soccer she doesn't want to play because she doesn't think she'll be good enough. But they need her for the numbers! My Katie, on the other hand, I have to push to get her to try and do something well. One I have to push to not try so hard; and one I have to push to try at all. Often Katie's schoolwork is sub par, and I know she could do better, but she rushes through it. And Becca? She tries too hard. One thing that we're really struggling with Katie with right now is piano. She can play by ear, so we have her taking lessons to learn to play by chord sheet. But she's also taking the traditional lessons, and she hates counting. Just hates it. She cries when we make her count, and she whispers it, and I just can't understand it. Can someone have a learning disability about counting? Someone who is three grade levels ahead in math? Does that make any sense? I hate the fact that we always butt heads over piano, and I always lose my cool. But she drives me nuts sometimes. She's my cuddly baby, and she's the one that in some ways is my emotionally close one, but Rebecca is closest to my personality. Rebecca is more the one that I understand, because I am a firstborn, and my husband is a firstborn, and my mother is a firstborn, and my father is a firstborn, and Keith's father is a firstborn, and Keith's mother was the last girl followed by a string of boys that she had to raise, so she has firstborn tendencies. And then there's little Katie that none of us can figure out. It's not her fault. And I do love her dearly. I just don't know how to motivate her because we are so different. So that is my main topic of prayer this week: how to mother her better. I don't think I'm doing a good job when it comes to motivating her for piano or schoolwork because I can't figure her out. So if you could say a prayer for me, and leave a comment, that would be great! |
Posted in Personality and Homeschooling
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I sometimes get so frustrated at my daughters' attitudes. When they can't do something, they each look like they're going to cry. They may get 92% on a math assignment, and as I'm trying to explain where they went wrong just to teach them, their minds apparently go blank and their eyes fill up. It drives me nuts! I'm not being critical; it's just that if you can stop a mistake in the bud, before it's reinforced, it's always better. Anyway, I find if I can remain cheerful, and even tell a joke, I can relax the whole atmosphere and things go better. But if I feel a little peevish myself, then I just make everything worse. It's so hard to stay the mother and try to demonstrate the right emotions everytime! It doesn't help that I'm reading Little Women out loud right now to my youngest, and Marmee is the best mother in the world! I really will try to make things better for them just by trying to keep my cool. |
Posted in Personality and Homeschooling
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One of the advantages of going to school, I think, is the sense of competition. I always did fairly well in school, as did my husband, and it was always a point of pride with me to get the top marks in the class. So I tried really hard at tests.
My daughters are both very bright as well. We've actually skipped our oldest daughter, and she's doing work ahead of her age. I know she can handle it.
But when it comes time to do final tests and evaluations on certain works that we're studying in the Omnibus program, I can't get her to try very hard! She'll write one sentence answers to things that demand a paragraph. I know she can do it. I really do. But maybe when you're homeschooled, it's hard to impart that idea of actually writing a lot for a test. They don't see what other kids do, so they don't have that sense of something to live up to.
It's just hard, because I don't want to come down hard on her. But how do you encourage them to strive for excellence? The kid's brilliant, she really is. But she's not always using all of her intellect. I'm kind of at a loss. |
Posted in Personality and Homeschooling
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I had an interesting chat with Nancy C. Anderson today while I was taping Reality Check Radio. She's the author of Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: Growing Affair-Proof Hedges around your Marriage, which is a great book. It's short, so it's easy to read, and it's really practical. In it, she talks about her own affair, which almost ended her marriage, and how she and her husband Ron found reconciliation.
Then she tells you how you can avoid the trap she fell in.
Anyway, I was having such a great time with Nancy I decided to tape two shows in a row, because I wanted to talk about encouragement. She really stressed how important that is a marriage, and it made me wonder how often the words out of my mouth are encouraging, rather than critical. It's funny how we can most polite and kind to strangers, and most biting to those whom we're supposed to love.
I think this applies not just to husbands but to kids, too. How often, when we're homeschooling, do we build them up? And how often do we tear them down? Do our kids hear how much we appreciate them and love them and respect them, or do they only ever hear disapproval?
Sometimes, even when I'm not saying anything critical, I just find myself sighing a lot. I try not to, but I know the kids pick up on my frustration. They know they'renot measuring up. That's going to have just as lasting an impact as openly criticizing them is. We need to watch our attitudes, and remember the words of Ephesians 4:29:
If you want to listen into my show, you can do so Fridays at 1:15 EST on www.ucbcanada.com.
Have an encouraging day! |
Posted in Personality and Homeschooling
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I have just finished correcting math and practising piano with my perfectionist child.
We always thought our firstborn was supposed to be the perfectionist, but really it's Katie, the second born. She's eight, and she refuses to do something if she's afraid she might get embarrassed. And basically doing anything wrong is embarrassing.
It's really too bad, because she's so good at so many things but she's afraid to try.
At math she's really gifted. She's about two years ahead of her age level. But if you try to correct something she bursts into tears. At first we thought it was just disobedience, or trying to manipulate us by deflecting attention. But I've come to realize that it's honestly that she's ashamed.
This is so weird to me because she's in such a loving family and she's always been perfectly accepted. But cry she does.
And piano is a nightmare. There she's really gifted. She can compose songs, and play things by ear. But if you try to get her to read music or count out loud--good luck. We're persisting, because it's important, but she cries if she can't get it right on the first try.
I think there's a spiritual lesson in there somewhere--about dealing with the fact that we're not perfect; that all good things come from God, not from ourselves; or that God only asks that we use what He gives us, not that we are perfect at the start.
But it's still difficult to handle. If anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears! |
