Sing A New Song Homeschool - Am I sad or am I relieved?

Jan. 5, 2007 - Am I sad or am I relieved?

I am amazed at all you wonderful bloggers that keep up your blog in spite of LIFE! I am neglecting many other duties right now to finally update my blog.

I come on the the tail end of a busy holiday season. Yesterday, my little man turned 6 years old! We are having a party for him tomorrow at a new bowling alley--he's so excited! I can't believe he's this old already--it was bad enough that my oldest daughter turned 8 in November and my youngest, 3-1/2 year old baby is suddenly speaking in sentences like a big girl and figuring out things we never knew she understood!

But the real reason that nudged me into blogging tonight is this. We (my husband, oldest daughter and I) slowly convinced ourselves this week that I was pregnant. You see, I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (http://www.pcosupport.org). I have had to do some sort of fertility treatment to get pregnant with all my kids. The ones I haven't used fertility drugs on ironically end up miscarrying. Anyway, because of my condition, I don't have monthly cycles at all and I need to induce a cycle every 3 months with medicine. I choose to use a natural form of progesterone called Prometrium. It usually works. But this time, it didn't. However, I had some spotting one day, then nothing. Now, 12 days post-medicine and I still haven't started! My dr. wanted to begin birth control right away, but I had a thought that maybe it was implantation bleeding and perhaps I was pregnant! So, she issued a blood test and my daughter got excited and then we started to also. Then, and hour ago, I found out the test was negative.

I didn't realize how much I don't want to be done with babies until this happened. We decided a while back, when our youngest turned 3, that we were done. We have a very small house, a very small income, bad spending habits, and a schedule that cannot take any more stress. We know that another baby would stress us in ways that the other 3 didn't. But then, I pray for God to give me word that my womb is closed, or at least that our family is done growing. I haven't recieved any closure on this. As much as I don't want any more children, I still want more children! As much as I know my health probably cannot handle any more children--I STILL want another baby! As poor as we are and as crowded as we are-God has not closed our hearts to more kids! What's wrong with us?

I know all the logical reasons that it is good to be done. However, it doesn't help much when I allowed myself to dream a bit--where would we put the baby; how would we afford it; what would we name it; what if it's twins; would my surgery go well because it didn't last time; would my mom be happy or sad; how excited our kids would be--all this began to take root in my heart and mind and now I find myself at bit down.

On another topic, homeschooling has gotten a bit easier. We've actually attempted to do school 3 days this week, in spite of being sick. We didn't get everything on my list done and I'm continually looking for ways to make this easier with less sit down time and more fun stuff. But at least I feel like we're getting something done. One thing that has helped is something my friend Angel showed me, called Homeschool Tracker (www.homeschooltracker.com). Between using that this week and finding a place to hang my maps, I for some reason feel like I can do this! Plus, I got quite a few encouraging comments after my last post and that helped me a lot!

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Comments

Jan. 12, 2007 - being done and organizing

You walk a difficult road here. God intended us to have children and those that can't are a product of the fallen world (no that doesn't mean they sinned and God cursed them, it means that through the sin of mankind, nasty things have happened to human health to prevent childbirth). But God can still intervene. Your crowded house and busy life will ease as they grow and move on but you can help with the spending habits. We purchased a book called the Wealthy Barber and it helped us alot. It's an easy read and very practical--if you stick to it. The key is to live within your means. My daughter and son-in-law proved that one can live on very little. They spent their first year of marriage living on $9000.00. In that time, they kept up with college loan payments, car payments, insurance payments and all that comes with renting an apartment--and they still saved money to boot! It can be done. List priorities, grow food if you can, if you can't find a bulk market and preserve. Shop at second hand stores. Cut up credit cards. Don't spend beyond your weekly alottment. Don't be afraid to say no to kids wants. We did and our daughter was glad because it came in handy in her first year of marriage. Hope this all helps. God will do what He wishes to do concerning another child and either way it will be a blessing to you because He'll make it so. God bless.

Donna Fawcett
Author of Thriving in the Home School
Donna Dawson
Author of Redeemed and The Adam & Eve Project
recipient of Word Alive Press' top author promotion
www.inscribe.org/donnadawson
www.freewebs.com/donnadawson

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Jan. 12, 2007 - Thanks!

For adding me to your friends list. I know exactly how you feel about wanting kids. With my last pregnancy, my fifth child I had a cyst that had to be removed, plus I had to have a c-section. I told them that since they were doing all that they may as well do the tubal ligation while in their because I really felt it was God's way of closing the door on any more children for us. My oldest had to live in a small room above my parents garage for three and 1/2 years (which is right next door) because we didn't have enough room for them all then. Three boys still share one bedroom and my daughter is in our room. Yet, I still yearn for more. My baby is just over four and I secretly wish God would miraculously make me pregnant as well. Yet, still I am very happy to be not yes quite needed.

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Jan. 15, 2007 - Untitled Comment

I have hesitated to comment on this for I would hate to influence anyone decision on having a child, it's totally between yourselves and God. I just wanted to say about all logic points to it not being sensible to have another child. I have never been in an ideal situation to have another child but each time the Lord has used it to make me more organised, to have me reassess my priorities and basically have me grow spiritually. So don't beat yourself up about these things, just look to God's plan, not where the world tells us we should be to have children.

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Jan. 15, 2007 - I understand!

I so understand the relief/loss/relief/loss mindset. On one hand, it is a relief not to undergo the hardships of pregnancy; on the other hand there is the loss of the potential baby that would have brought such joy. And for me, anyway, then there is guilt for even thinking of being relieved, bc children are a blessing as we all "know". I know how it is to daydream out the window, wondering "what if"......and it is OK. And I am glad you are writing again :)

Blessings,
Keri

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