Feb. 19, 2007 - Life is never dull,that's for sure!
Okay, I thought about getting on here at least once a day since my last post, to give a positive report on how things have been improving (thank you to all who are praying for me and checking in with me!). But what is it today that finally draws me back to the keyboard? That's right--a problem! ARRGH!
First let me say that God has been answering prayers. I did go back on a very low dose of my regular anti-depressant and it has helped. I don't sleep until 11am every day and I am doing better. I might up my dosage a bit more, but for now it's been a good kick in the pants to get me going where I need to. Also, my mom helped us get a car and they financed it so we pay them with no interest! Another praise!
But here I come today, worried about my son, again. He seems to be having issues still. Today was a very hard day, with lots of emotional outbursts. I also noticed he pulls his hair when he's stressed, which is a new habit. Today he got very frustrated with his eye/facial tics, which the Dr. says are normal and nothing to worry about. He also got very upset with himself all day and kept saying, "This is the worst day" or "I can't do anything right" or the worst, throwing himself on the floor at WalMart and saying "I hate myself". This is normally in response to either a reprimand from us or being told to something he wants to do. He also started hitting himself today. I know--all signs of low self esteem or depression, or even emotional manipulation (I did all of these when I was a teen to get attention). However, baby boy is only 6! Either option doesn't sit well with me! Also, I am feeling doubly worse because when he was ages 1-3.5, I was very hard on him. I was super depressed and not controlling my anger and he was super hard to control--I took it out on him, both physically and verbally. The details are for another day--I didn't abuse him by any means--I just wasn't very nurturing or loving during moments that I could have been. I was harsh and belittling and unkind. I think that I made him this way. Even if it's depression, that's genetic and it's still from me. So I'm having severe guilt over this and my heart breaks for this little boy who's having such a hard time in life.
Please pray for my son, as well as my 2 daughters who are stressing out over him stressing out. We are seeking a Christian family counselor to help us and hopefully, we can see some improvement over the summer. I just worry that I damaged him emotionally when he was little and that is something I could never forgive myself for. I'm scared, I'm worried and I'm tired of the ups and downs!
Thank you, dear blog buddies, for listening to me vent and for caring aboutmy woes. It's been a bit lonely in my life lately and I've much appreciated these distant relationships!
Comments
Feb. 26, 2007 - I'm praying for you.
Posted by AHappyHome
Blessings to you,
Keri
Mar. 6, 2007 - Relationship with your boy
Posted by Anonymous
