Jun. 9, 2009 - Looking after Widows and Orphans: How You Can Help Single-Parent Families
I never expected to be a single mother. When my husband left me for another woman nearly four years ago, I was shocked, angry, and scared. I was embarrassed to be divorced; for a while I felt as though I wore a scarlet D emblazoned on my dress. Our four sons were bewildered, and their world was turned upside down. I was deeply committed to remaining at home with my children and continuing to homeschool them, yet I wondered how I could support us all financially.
But God has proven faithful. “A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, Is God in His holy habitation” (Psalm 68:5, NKJV). He has provided for all our needs through work I can do at home, help from my parents, and the loving ministry of a godly church.
One way that “God sets the solitary in families” (Psalm 68:6, NKJV) is through the ministry of fellow believers, particularly the local church. My pastor, Tim Fortner, explains our church’s commitment to single-parent families this way:
We take seriously the covenantal implications of caring for all the members of the church in a family context. The whole congregation takes vows to help with the children—not only to be an example but also to meet particular needs of modeling, encouragement, and financial support. The need is expanded when the father is not there. Galatians 6:10 tells us, “So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith” (NASB).
Ministry to “widows” may be broadened to include those who are single through divorce or desertion. In addition, military deployment of a spouse temporarily brings many of the challenges of single parenthood. The church’s obligation to “orphans” includes any children in homes without both parents present, for whatever reason.
Sadly, in our fallen world, single-parent families abound. They live in the house around the corner, stand next to you in line at the grocery store, and occupy the adjacent pew at church. What are some specific, practical ways that believers can follow the biblical injunction to “look after” these parents and their children?
Prayer, Encouragement, and Counsel
Parenting, always a demanding job, becomes doubly challenging when tackled alone. Praying faithfully for single-parent families is one of the most important ways you can minister to them. Letting these families know you are upholding them in prayer multiplies the blessing. Single parents often feel overwhelmed and discouraged, so make sure to praise the positive things in their lives and encourage them not to grow weary in doing well. Their children need encouragement too. One man in our church sent my boys a treasured note praising the way they honor God by their behavior in church and by their helpfulness to me. Such support inspires them to continue to grow spiritually.
Without a spouse to help make decisions about childrearing, finances, and so on, single parents particularly need godly, wise counsel. A newly-single mother whose husband previously handled all the family finances may need instruction in planning a budget and being a good steward of her resources, or assistance in finding ways to earn income—preferably from home. I frequently consult a few close friends about choices in training and educating my children and seek advice about business matters from fellow Christian entrepreneurs who share my family-based priorities. To prevent the appearance of impropriety, avoid private counseling sessions between men and women.
Money
Many single parents need financial assistance, especially during the immediate transition after a death or divorce. Life insurance or child support and alimony—if they exist at all—often fall far short of meeting a family’s basic needs. Single-parent families, especially those headed by single mothers, often rank among the country’s poorest. Our church’s deacons’ fund has provided monetary aid to my family several times. In addition, individual church members have sent us cash and gift cards, sometimes routing these blessings through the church office to remain anonymous. God's providential care has clearly orchestrated the timing of such help. During seasons of comparative bounty, financial gifts rarely arrive. However, when we need them most, assistance miraculously appears—even when I have told no one about our situation.
Material Gifts
You can also help by sharing material things, both new and used. Several families regularly hand down their children’s clothing to my boys, and when my youngest child outgrows the clothes, we pass them along to others. One lady blessed me with three beautiful new outfits. Another time a $100 gift card to a department store arrived in the mail—with instructions to use it for myself, not my children—shortly before an entrepreneurs’ conference where I was scheduled to speak. The gift was more than enough for the new suit I needed, and it served as a precious reminder of God’s faithfulness in clothing not only the lilies of the field, but also His children (Matthew 6:28-30).
One year a family in our church gave us a brand-new train table for the boys to use with their wooden train set, saving me the time and expense of Christmas shopping as well. Another friend thoughtfully asked me for a list of my children’s favorite Christmas candy so that she could provide that part of our holiday. Our pastor taught me how to build a fire in our wood stove, and several families have given us firewood. One man in our church clearly has a mindset for ministry. When the electric company cut down a tree in his yard and offered to haul it away, he chose to keep it until he found a family who needed the firewood—ours.
Time
The gift of your time can be a tremendous blessing. After a year of commuting twice weekly from a town an hour away, I decided to move closer to our church. Several ladies helped me pack my kitchen, and others helped me clean the new house before we moved in. On moving day, church members helped load, move, and unload our belongings; at all times throughout the day, there were at least ten men helping with the move, while two ladies alternated caring for my children in their homes. When my parents gave us a swingset kit for Christmas, several men volunteered their time in the evenings to build it. At one point a doctor, a banker, an accountant, and an engineer were all working together in our backyard. And they took the extra time to let my boys help.
Over a period of several months, one dear lady from the church came to our house for two to three hours one afternoon every week so that I could go to the grocery store and run other errands without four boys in tow. When she had to take a break due to back trouble, another lady—whom I barely knew at the time—offered to take her place. These women became my friends and blessed me immeasurably, but they also ministered to my children by reading to them, playing games with them, bringing treats, and showing them God’s love. We were likewise blessed when a summer youth worker who wanted to teach the young people in our church to serve others encouraged the older teens to provide free babysitting.
Hospitality
Another opportunity for ministry is including single-parent families in special events or outings and holiday celebrations, which can be particularly difficult during the transition to singleness. Keep in mind, too, that some single parents may be alone for the holidays when their children are visiting the other parent; that can be a particularly lonely time when joining another family’s celebration would be welcome.
My boys and I remember with pleasure a Fourth of July cookout with several other families. The children enjoyed shelter-building and corn-shucking contests, and the men and boys competed in tree-chopping and shooting matches. (The men taught my boys how to shoot and my oldest how to swing an axe.) Having fun with these other families was so refreshing, and this was a great opportunity for my sons to learn manly skills.
Mentoring
One of the greatest ways to serve is to mentor children from single-parent families. Daughters of single fathers will benefit from training in womanly arts and biblical femininity, and sons of single mothers need godly men to show them the true meaning of manhood. Although ongoing mentoring relationships prove especially helpful, short-term projects can also be a blessing. An engineer from our church took my mathematically-inclined nine-year-old son to help him survey the church parking lot. He taught Andrew about the surveying instruments and reported enthusiastically about Andrew’s skill as a rod man. A writer and photographer plans to take my twelve-year-old on a photo shoot for a magazine article. This same son has also enjoyed sailing with our pastor, who knows that Forrest receives far more than seamanship skills from the time they spend together.
Ask and Offer
If you are a single parent, don’t be afraid or too proud to ask for the help you need. Others are blessed by ministering to you. If you want to help single parents, however, don’t wait for them to ask. Volunteer your assistance, or ask what they need. Be sensitive to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I have been amazed at the multitude of creative ways in which people have ministered to my family, and especially at God’s providence in meeting our needs at just the right time.
I would love to hear creative ways that you have helped or been helped by others, as well as further suggestions for blessing single parents. Please post comments!
Mary Jo
