2009-Jun-7 - Socialization~Yeah??
I have two teenagers, and having recently moved has presented a huge challenge of "friends making." Even participating in church and joining a co-op the challenge has been to find kids who click with mine.
Socialization is a concern when kids find that they are not accepted or are rather IGNORED by their peers. Now I personally don't put THAT much stock in the peer relationship importance area, but my kids do! I have read the info on how well socialized our homeschooled kids are across the ages~how homeschool kids are friendlier and more adjusted to the real world, but my kids want some friends they can relate to who are homeschooled.
I remember being made fun of and not being accepted by my classmates in the Christian school~I have friends who were upper and lower classmates today from the Christian school, and I certainly don't poll folks for their age and "grade" before becoming friends today~not unless I know they are kids and then all bets are off with ME being a "friend." It's not appropriate.
But the teenage years are difficult and moving and and and...
So thinking and considering my two who are looking at peers who have literally ignored their attempts to talk and visit in a coop setting...I watched secretly this past week as three girls my daughter's age literally ignored her through two games of bowling~her turn-they went to the snack machines. Her trying to engage in the conversation, a shoulder turned inward. I watched. I waited. I said nothing. After a YEAR of belonging to this group, and after encouraging her week after week to "keep reaching out. Talk to the girls. Engage...listen...follow..." I am not putting her through this any further. I waited until she brought up the situation not quite 24 hrs later. She came to me, "Mama, they ignored me. They even tried to give my bowling slot to another girl." Ah ha! This was it... my child was not one of their crowd, and another girl I am guessing was put somewhere else to bowl from their "little group."
OK...Socialization~should we care? Should I be concerned? You bet I am. . .I am concerned with the feelings of my child who is hurt, and frankly not wanting to engage them any further. I wouldn't either. In fact, we are not. This is so sad to me as I have read several articles over several places that discusses the issues around coops and the kids accepting each other. This is a common problem.
We are failing to teach our children to be a friend to the stranger, to make the new kids welcome, to reach out in the name of the Lord. And maybe we have good reason as homeschool parents, I don't know, but as pastor's kids, mine have learned to reach across many lines that would preclude kids for various reasons from "their" circle to make someone feel accepted. It's our way, and a way, I believe, of the Lord.
As a mom, who has lived in several places, I have seen groups who work at including new commers and others who give lip service to the idea..hey, churches can do this too huh? who really are very happy with the little crowd they have and want no one else.
I recently ran across this philosophy of inclusion in church in an outreach ministry as someone said, "why can't we just reward the 'faithful few?" Now we are talking about prizes for kids who come all the time. . .and while they do imho do deserve prizes, we must be EXTREMELY careful not to alienate the children who are potentials for joining. We would never want to give the message that the ONLY ones important are the faithful few, because eventually that is all that there will be! Kids and adults alike can sense when they are not valued and loved. We must value and love everyone. Reward excellence, but be very careful that the playing field is leveled so everyone feels like they can be a winner!
In the past, I was part of a very small declining church with all sorts of plaques on the walls of children's names of "achievement" who had moved on. . .MOVED on~not grown up and brought their kids back, but literally moved on and out. Where did the "faithful few" go? When they got older and were just a few, they moved to the larger more offering institutions. If the recongition had been more broad and encouraged the efforts of all and then continued to encourage them all. . .it might have been a different outcome. The faithful few can turn into an empty pew~sorry I digress. . .but it's part of the issue of making people~adults and children, and since I am talking homeschool kids now, feel valued, accepted, a part, invested. . .you can think of all the words to mean~BELONGING!
I've presented the situation.
My philosophy:
IF ONE PERSON DOESN'T WANT YOU, THERE ARE A MILLION THAT DO~GO FIND THEM!
Sound cold? Remember our Lord as He traveled from place to place. Often times He was not accepted and was mocked and reviled for His claim as the Son of God. He told His disciples to dust their feet and to expect persecution. With the challenges to His daily ministry of bringing the Word to the people, He found little acceptance. In fact, He had no home or pillow to rest His head at night. He was, with the exception of His Heavenly Father and His Disciples, alone. Yet He went on and on preaching and teaching His message of grace and hope from God. As He went, He knew there would be those who rejected, but He kept on finding those who would receive Him. . .
Now we are on a mission. HOMESCHOOLERS, we know you are out there~
First I went to the hslda groups page to find area groups.
Then I began to make calls.
Hmmm??? Will this be a place where we can find folks who are open to newcomers? What about their kids?? Adults are one level of friendly and accepting, but kids are a whole nother level! Unfortunately parents can fail to teach their kids or to see their kids or even guide, but then just this little reminder will have us all thinking that there might be someone who needs our words of encouragement, our fellowship, our acceptance and friendship. All reaching out is risky, but as we reach out, we will offer God's love in His name.
There was a little girl who was difficult at best to befriend. When she visited our home, she would beg my kids for their toys, yet when my child visited her, she had every gadget. I helped them navigate this by helping my daughter set limits with this friend. It was an important lesson for them both.
Sometimes we parents need to see and hear what is going on around our kids...boy WHAT an eye opener at the bowling alley! You know, I think the Lord had me see the behavior of those girls. I had suspected as much, but without any actual witnessing or proof...my kid wasn't saying either~she was in some ways giving up herself. I had wondered why between classes they both always found me to stay near me. . .or even when they had a free period, they came to me. Eyes opened~I could see and I knew.
So in looking for other sources we will consider several. Maybe we won't co op this year or maybe we will find a new one...or even we might begin our own. . .but in the options there are more than just homeschooler groups to consider as i am also
looking at community resources. Maybe the Lord will bring a friend through an unuaual means for my kids.
But this I know...enough is enough where ill treatment is concerned!
If socialization through a co-op means poor treatment, it's better no treatment or no participation. Frankly we've got better things to do with our resources than share with those who are rude enough to take, but who can't even see how rude they are behaving! My children, as do every human being, have feelings. No more trampling them!
Should I go to leadership?
Ok..good idea. But unfortunately the behavior of the girls isn't unlike that of their mothers' behavior and both parents are on leadership. Sooo NOPE~not gonna go there~no point.
I could apply the Scriptural principle to go to a brother and then to take another. . . I actually have attempted to talk with one mother. No change.
So the plan. . .
I am reserving my actions for a new venue in life. I am encouraging our children to look up and away from such a situation to a new one. . .looking back and having negative feelings will not produce what is desired~fun and friends! So we are moving on!
MOVING ON!and soo looking forward to what God has in store for us...
Socialization. . .shouldn't be hurtful, but sometimes it is. . .this is life. The plan to move forward will minimize the hurt and prepare for a future of positives. And aren't positives what we all need?
Yeah~ I'm for that!
Blessings
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