The italicized portions are taken from a transcript of a Family Life Today show called For Women Only. Go here and click on “transcript” – or you can listen to the show if you prefer.  Or you can just read my entry! LOL!  Then go and read/hear the broadcast – esp the end where the guys (Bob and Dennis) call Shaunti’s husband and ask him how she has changed!  It is really neat and a great example for us!  Do you ever tell your hubby you are proud of him??  I didn’t ask if you were, I asked if you ever told him!  Your hubby may love you – or not, but you’d still like to hear it!  Esp at a particular time when you aren’t feeling terribly lovable!!

For men, their highest need is not to feel loved and cherished, as it is ours. It's to feel respected by us and trusted by us and, in fact, we can spend so much time trying to show our husbands that we love them, saying, "I love you," and doing all these things to show love, but if we tease them in public or make them think we don't respect their decisions or don't trust when they make a choice, they will feel disrespected, and they won't feel loved.

Ok, so women need to be loved, feel loved. And Men need to do that. Well, most men DO love their wives, so it is only a matter of the men learning HOW to show their wives they love them. 

BUT many women do NOT in fact respect OR trust their husbands. So it is not just a matter of learning to communicate a truth to your spouse, but it is a larger matter of that even being the truth!  NEED HELP HERE!!!

we went to some men and asked them how they felt when their wives showed disrespect to them.

Man: When you feel disrespected, again, you're thinking about times, "Well, if she respected me, she would behave differently, or she would not have submarined me in my decision with the kids.

Man: My normal reaction when I do have conflict with her is not feeling respected. Now, that may not be true, you know, it may be that I just heard it wrong or she communicated it a little bit too roughly and the motivation behind what was going on had nothing to do with disrespect, but maybe it's a feeling of insecurity in that area, but I really need to know that Kathy respects me. And so when she may say or do something where I feel that's been violated in some way, it really hurts me deeply.

Man: In parenting issues, where maybe I would have done something differently than the way she did and not being willing to allow me to at least follow through, and so I felt disrespected, not being able to carry out what I thought was right in a situation.

Ok – it may be a misunderstanding both ways.

When men hear women want to feel loved, they think – weekend getaways, five bedroom houses, yachts, etc.  big things.  When really it is the little things – holding hands, remembering how much ice she likes in her drink, etc.

SO. . . for him women hear men want to feel respected and we think – bow down and worship him as a god, everything he says is rule, etc.  Maybe it really is the little things – “I think, for me, the sense of disrespect comes when you –It's just you have this sense that she's thinking, ‘Your ideas are wrong.’ “  IS THAT IT?  They don’t want us to communicate to them that we think their idea is wrong???  Well, that is fairly simple. . .

Bob: I think, for me, the sense of disrespect comes when you – and it's not anything that Mary Ann will say or do. It's just you have this sense that she's thinking, "Your ideas are wrong." There's a certainty that she has about the way she thinks things ought to go, and you feel like, "Well, then, you're just wrong, and I can't even imagine why you would think that way."

Dennis: And, at that point, what I feel is what that one man said – I don't feel trusted.

Shaunti: This is one of the things that women find absolutely flabbergasting, in all honesty. We simply don't get this, because it is, in many cases, in most cases, not the way that we are wired.

I went on a retreat where the speaker demonstrated this so powerfully, and let me tell you the story really briefly.

He basically took 70 people on a singles retreat about relationships. He put us on two different sides of the room. He put all the men on one side of the room and all the women on the other side of the room. I'm going to ask you to choose between two bad feelings and ask you to choose which you would – if you had to – which you would prefer. Would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world or would you rather feel inadequate and disrespected? Okay, both bad feelings – which is the least bad? He turned to the men's side of the room and said, "Men, who here would rather feel alone and unloved?" And every hand went up, and you could hear this giant gasp from the women's side of the room. And he turned to the women and said, "Women, who here would rather feel alone and unloved," and very few women raised their hands. And when he said, "Who here would rather feel inadequate and disrespected, and almost all the women raised their hands, you heard the gasp from the men's side of the room.

And what this retreat speaker was demonstrating is the same thing I found when I asked that question on the survey, which is that, for men, their highest need is not to feel loved and cherished as it is ours. It's to feel respected by us and trusted by us like some of the men in those quotes said. In fact, we can spend so much time trying to show our husbands that we love them, saying, "I love you," and doing all these things to show love, but if we tease them in public or make them think we don't respect their decisions or don't trust when they make a choice, they will feel disrespected, and they won't feel loved. It is absolutely imperative for us women to get this.

Dennis: Yes, and it can happen in such small ways. The other night we were in a grocery store, and I started to pick up something. I don't even remember what it was – Barbara said, "You're not going to get that, are you?"

Shaunti: Yes, as a matter of fact, I was.

Bob: You were getting some kind of chips.

Dennis: I really was. I said, "No, that's a terrible idea. Who would want, in all their lifetimes, to buy one of those?" And I walked away, and I remember thinking at the time, I remember thinking, "I really feel a little disrespected in that" – that my choice of what I wanted to get in the grocery store was either a stupid choice or not a wise choice.

Now all the women are saying “OH FOR PETE’S SAKE!   WHAT is the big deal?? Who cares if anyone likes your choice of chips??”

BUT – when he doesn’t hold your hand on the way from the car to the store, you feel unloved!  And all the guys are saying “OH FOR PETE’S SAKE!! WHAT is the big deal?? Who cares if we hold hands or not?”

Well, apparently the guys care if we approve of their choice of chips.

And apparently all the girls care if the guy holds their hand.

Now is any of that a big deal to the giver?  To approve of the choice of chips, to hold hands?  NO – but it pays big dividends. 

SO. . . make what is important to your mate – important to you!  Make it a big deal!

Shaunti: And this is the thing that our husbands have a really hard time understanding, and I'll say this to all the men out there who are listening. Most of us women, we really, truly do respect the men in our lives, and we have no idea that all day, every day, we're sending these signals to the contrary. My husband, God bless him, he's had to put up with so much from me because I've been sending those signals for years without realizing it, and I bet many of the women out there would be absolutely flabbergasted to know that that is what their husbands often think of them – that they're sending.

. . .we just don't realize that sometimes it's not even what we say, it's how we say it. And whether you're coming at him rapid-fire with all the reasons why he shouldn't do such-and-such, or whether it's just taking a tone that he interprets as being harsh.

Let me give you an example, actually, that I found absolutely – again, flabbergasting. This was a common word that I used in doing this research – I was trying to design the survey. I did a national survey of men, hired a professional survey company, and one of the questions I was designing with a guy who is a professional survey designer, and here is the question I was asking – it was on the subject of romance and whether a man wants to be romantic, and the question I asked was "Do you know how to put together a romantic event that your wife would enjoy?" Okay, to me, that's just a neutral question. The survey designer, this guy, says, "You can't say that because you're starting out in attack mode," and I go, "Huh? Attack mode?" He said, "Yes, you're starting off implying the man is inept." And I'm thinking to myself, "Implying the man is inept, what are you talking about?"

And he suggested just adding a little softening phrase up front – "Suppose you had to plan an anniversary event for your wife" – but when I just started off as "Do you know how" – he said every man is going to interpret that as sort of the implication that you're inept. I realized, "Oh, my goodness, I do this over and over and over with my husband," and most of us women are completely clueless about this.

I AM WITH THIS WOMAN!!  Inept?? HOW does that imply he is inept??  Well – remember, what matters is how your SPOUSE interprets your actions/words. NOT if you think they imply something or not.  For example, he brings you Pepsi, but you like Coke. What is the big deal??  IT IS A BIG DEAL! And we all know it is and we would think “if he loved me, after all these years, he would know what drink I like!”  And then when we complain about the drink he got us he thinks – “she doesn’t respect me.”  And so the cycle goes!!!  She feels unloved, he feels disrespected.

Girls, is it such a big deal to keep your mouth shut?  Can you just say “thank you” for the Coke! You don’t have to drink it. I guarantee he won’t notice!  If he is too out of it to not know you prefer Pepsi, he won’t be observant enough to know if you drink it or not.  And some OTHER time in some other way you might could let him know you prefer Pepsi.  Like instead of saying “get me a drink”, say “Would you please get me a Pepsi?  Coke tastes like salt to me.”  There – you gave him a task he cannot fail at. Men like that!!  That no failure option is sweet!  Now – there are 17 different kinds of Pepsi  BUT you did not specify, so anything he brings you that says Pepsi is a win for him and you are not allowed to complain!  You don’t have to drink it, politely take a sip – then dispose of it later. 

If this bothers you- get your own drink!!

But STOP complaining! 

The Bible says

^{PR 21:9} It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.

Why do you suppose it says that? 

God is telling us right there – how NOT to be!  Nagging, quarrelsome – meaning we quarrel or DISAGREE, and faultfinding. Are you like that?

Ask your hubby if it would bother him if you were in the store and he chose chips and you said, “You aren’t going to get those, are you?”

I bet you will be surprised!  I am going to ask mine today!

I have done these things – taken a polite drink and said “thank you” even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. Just because we are friends and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I never knew it was a respect issue! Lol – I was just being nice like I would to my friends. Isn’t God good? Cuz I was doing the right thing!  And I will tell you we have an awesome relationship and along the lines of the drink, here is a little story from last week!

My favorite drink is Diet Rite, but if I cannot get that I usually get Diet Coke.  Well, lately, I just have not wanted Diet Coke, I have switched to Diet Dr. Pepper – it is just sweeter to me.  So – the other day we got gas and I needed a drink so I asked him to go in and get me a Diet Dr. Pepper. So he did.  The next day when he ran to the dump he sweetly got me a drink at the store when he got ice.  BUT – he got me Diet Dr. Pepper!!! WOW!!  Now how could he switch that fast? It made  me feel so loved!  FIRST – that he “thought of me” (a big thing with us gals!) and second, that he got the exact drink I wanted!  WOWZA!!  Big time points racking up there!

I would have said thank you for the Diet Coke also – remember?  And I might have even drank it. But I was absolutely thrilled with the Diet Dr. Pepper!

(neither store  carries Diet Rite by the way)

“a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.” Pr 19:13

My daughter just read that and said, “that is irritating.”  The drip!  Apparently to men our complaining is that same kind of irritating.  Do you want to be that irritating??  Then stop complaining!

Dennis: I'm going to stop you there, because there will be some women right now who are listening who would say, "Yes, they're just insecure, they need to get over it. They just need to put their pants on one leg at a time" …

Bob: It doesn't sound very manly to me, you know, for a guy who would get all bent out of shape because I asked "Why did you do that?" I mean, that's a simple question. Why is a guy going to – he's just a wimp.

Shaunti: Well, if I can say one of the other things that was such a surprise, because, by the way, really, everything I put in this book is only about things we women don't get about men, and one of the things we really don't get is that a man can walk around looking very confident all day long, but most men are secretly very insecure and, really, what I found from the men that I interviewed is they go through life basically feeling like "I'm really not sure what on earth I'm doing, and somebody is going to find out."

And that feeling, as one man said, it does not stop when I walk through the door at home. In fact, it's almost a little easier at work because at work at least I have some idea of whether I'm doing a good job, you know, I'm getting raises or promotions or good comments from my boss. How do I know whether I'm doing a good job of being a good husband or a good dad? Well, it's the happiness of my wife, it's the happiness of my family. So if my wife is critical all the time or implies that she doesn't trust me regularly or teases me in front of our friends, then all it does is it basically reaffirms the secret feeling I already had about myself, which is I have no idea what I'm doing.

OH WOW!!  Boing! Does that bring it into view for you women??  And I am learning all this too – I was doing a lot right, but not for the right reasons!  God just granted me grace!  If you are unhappy – your husband knows he is a failure.  He doesn’t know what he is doing, and he is doing his job as husband wrong.  If you children are mopey, difficult, and unhappy – he does not know what he is doing as a dad and he is a failure.  Wow.

I had read in a book about a husband wanting his wife to look like a contented cat lying in the sun and how that makes him feel. So I did that – whether I was or not!  But I did not know WHY it made him feel good. Just that it did was enough for me!  The most interesting thing is that when you do that – he then becomes a fantastic husband!  I guess because he is feeling good about what he is doing, so you know how that fuels your desire to learn more and do more – when you are a success at what you are doing.  Like when you cook – if the meal turns out good and everyone is appreciative and praising, then you want to cook more. Conversely, if you cook and people complain about it, then you don’t even want to cook the next day.

Getting this??

Bob: In fact, if my wife says, "You know, this isn't about you, I'm just having a bad day." That doesn't wash with me because if I'm a good husband …

Shaunti: She won't have a bad day.

Bob: I should be able to overcome bad days. I mean, that's a part of what a guy …

Dennis: Her bad days.

Bob: Yes. If she's having a bad day, I should be able to come in and make that magically go away.

Dennis: Rescue her.

Bob: That's right, fix things for her. You know, if Calgon can make your troubles go away, certainly a husband ought to be able to do that, right?

Oh boy! Wow.  So does that mean I can’t ever have a bad day?? I have said to my husband “it’s not always about you” meaning he should not take everytime I am upset as it being his fault! Lol – it works to a degree!  He still does not like it!

Shaunti: That's one of the things, honestly, Bob, that we women have to recognize, and this is one of the things over and over again, as I was interviewing these men, I kept realizing we are just not giving the men in our lives enough credit for the fact that they go through their day with this enormous sense of responsibility and desire to make us happy. So, as some of these men said, "I would run through a brick wall for my wife, I just want to know that I'm doing a good job as a husband and as a dad."

Ok, and here is where I started – most men do love their wives. Many wives genuinely do not respect and/or trust their husbands.  Let’s explore that for a little while:

Shaunti: That's one of the things, honestly, Bob, that we women have to recognize, and this is one of the things over and over again, as I was interviewing these men, I kept realizing we are just not giving the men in our lives enough credit for the fact that they go through their day with this enormous sense of responsibility and desire to make us happy. So, as some of these men said, "I would run through a brick wall for my wife, I just want to know that I'm doing a good job as a husband and as a dad."

I was talking to a man who has a marriage ministry actually called "Love and Respect," and it deals with exactly this issue, and he pointed out something that I heard over and over from men but couldn't quite put my finger on. He said, "You know, we have become such a love-dominated culture that we've come to believe that where love is to be unconditional, respect must be earned." And I realized, "Yes, okay, I'd agree with that." And as I was reading Ephesians 5 and looking at this great passage on marriage, you realize that is a completely unbiblical idea in marriage in that God commands over and over for the husband – love your wife, love your wife unconditionally as Christ loved the church. What does it say over and over to us women – respect your husband, follow his leadership, show him that respect.

Just the same way that we women tend to think, "Well, I'll respect him when he earns it." Would we want our husbands to only love us when we were lovable?

Oy! Now really – we know there are many time when we are NOT lovable – and those, truly, are the times we most NEED their love!  You know I’m right.

So. . .

If this wonderful paradox that God commands each of us to give what the other needs, and what that does is, at least for me, as a woman, when my husband shows me love, even when I'm not particularly lovable that day, it makes me want to be worthy of that. And it's the same thing with our men. When we demonstrate, "You know what? I'm going to choose to respect you. I'm going to choose to trust that decision and not complain about it or question it." It builds him up to want to be the man that God created him to be. It's absolutely a wonderful paradox.

There you go. I am done now.

Go live it.

Dennis: . . . what you're saying to wives – if they'll understand what's going on in their husband's head and heart, and that it's okay for a man to need to be respected and that a wife can, with her attitude, with her actions, and with her words, affirm her husband and say to him, "I'm proud of you."

Shaunti: It's a totally legitimate need. You know what we were talking about before we came into the studio, which I think is really important for us to recognize is I personally think that although there has been a lot of good that's come out of the women's movement, it's given us women this very subtle sense that – you know, we women are really the ones with the interpersonal skills, and so therefore if there is a problem in the relationship, it's probably him and therefore he just needs to learn how to relate better. And what we're really saying is he needs to relate our way as opposed to recognizing what I hear from all these men, which is, in most cases, the way that a guy is wired to relate is totally legitimate. And just the way we want him to move in our direction, to learn how to support and love us the way we need to be loved – we need to suddenly realize, "Wait a minute, why should I not move in his direction to support and love him the way he needs to be loved?"

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