"I have discovered that the friendliest, most welcoming people in the world are those who have little to offer. What they lack in possessions they make up for in spirit and love."

Read this today from Bob Perks is a professional speaker, author and vocalist. Member National Speakers Association.Visit http://www.BobPerks.com

Have you found it to be true too?

Wonder why that is.

Oh, not ALL of those without, but probably more with less than those with much!  Many with much do not even realize how blessed they are!  I was speaking to a preteen on IM recently.  Her mother had taken away privileges.  The girl listed some saying, "even these!"  Then she asked, "Are those even privileges?"

They had recently hosted some children from the Watoto Children's Choir so I asked her if she thought those children had all those things.  And told her "yes", those were all privileges!  Oh, what we take for granted!

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I found this poem among some things that my mom gave to me when my Great Aunt Grace died.  My mom's mom died when she was 23, looong before I was born (she was 33 when I was born). Great Aunt Grace was my Grandma's sister, so she was the closest thing to a Grandma I had. Not the same as a Grandma, but still pretty nice.  I know she was a nice source of support to my Mom through the years.

I think of this poem very often. I do not have all of it memorized, but a fair amount of it. I think of it so often and it comes to mind so often. I feel it changed me, helped me be a better person.

I post it for your contemplation:

Temper

When I have lost my temper

         I have lost my reason too.

I’m never proud of anything

         Which angrily I do.

When I have talked in anger

         And my cheeks were flaming red

I have always uttered something

         Which I wish I hadn’t said.

In anger I have never done

         A kindly deed or wise,

But many things for which

         I felt I should apologize.

In looking back across my life

         And all I’ve lost or made,

I can’t recall a single time

         When fury ever paid.

So I struggle to be patient,

         For I’ve reached a wiser age;

I do not want to do a thing

         Or speak a word in rage,

I have learned by sad experience

         That         when my temper flies

I never do a worthy deed,

         A decent deed or wise.

                          Unknown

I am going to use this for copy work for some of my children also.  Would be a GREAT thing for one of them to memorize for a reward, talent show, etc.

Here is another gem I received the same way- I felt it spoke right directly to me and do feel called to inner city ministry even tho I am country to the core! I would go if He made a way cuz God loves people more than anything. . .

The Master Calleth for Thee

I said, “Let me walk in the fields!”

         He said, “No, walk in the town.”

I said, “There are no flowers there.”

         He said, “No flowers. A crown.”

I said, “But the sky is black

         There is nothing but noise and din.”

He wept as he answered back,

         “There is more,” he said, “there is sin.”

I said, “But the air is thick,

         And fogs are veiling the sun.”

He said, “But souls are sick

         And souls in the dark undone.”

I said, “But I shall miss the light,

         And friends will miss me, they say.”

He answered, “Choose tonight,

         If I shall miss you, or they.”

I pleaded for time to be given.

         He said, “Is it hard to decide?

It will not seem hard in heaven

         To have followed the steps of your Guide.”

                                   G. Macdonald

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My daughter Hannah is going to get a blog on hsblogger - I will post the link when she gets it.  She sure would be encouraged if any of you would read and comment her. This will be her first blog, it will start out mostly surveys and tickle test results, but hopefully I can move her into memes and prompts and maybe eventually a more journal type of writing.  She is very shy.

Hannah did have a MySpace, but Daddy outlawed it here due to the ads. She has a battle cry, but I don't think battle cry is as easy to use as hsblogger.

My other daughter Sarah already has a blog here and she is an old hand at blogging.  Here is her link rwacgurl45122 , it is also on here. Would you believe I have no idea what rwac means? LOL - oh, yes i do - rebel with a cause - from Franklin Graham's book!  She is fun to read, I think you will enjoy it.  And she would love a comment just to know she is being read.

Josh is about ready at 13 to be doing more on the computer. He is sharing Daddy's computer right now and is getting his poems and stories that are in his head down onto paper - er, floppy? hard drive? lol - anyway, I think he is ready to do more than play games on the computer, so that will be part of his schooling next semester.  First thing is Mavis Beacon of course cuz I don't have 8 days to do everything! LOL! 

Thanks for checking out my kids blogs. It ain't no fun to write if noone reads it!  Now - I am going to go find my links to Angie's kids and comment them!

Jo out

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I am sooo glad we are only doing full school days 3 days a week! This is like pulling teeth!  I did come up with a 2 hr Roo rotation schedule. I set the alarm on my phone 10 min before switch time and tell them to finish up what they are doing. It is working, but my 9-13yo crew is having a large adjustment!

boy #1 spent two hours on school and got one chapter in the bible read.

yes, that's it.

He did do some other reading, but it was not assigned for Tuesday! He found his Math page but could not find the right teacher book to do his story.

He is now writing his TY note for today on his task time. He also did his math paper during his task time. 

I know we will get better.  It is just an adjustment.

boy #2 had a meltdown in math when i said the answer was wrong. "I did it like you said!" he exclaimed!  I never said he did it wrong, I just said the answer was wrong!  He then threw my pillow on the floor (NOT GOOD!) and then fell to the floor being a drama man when I yelled at him regarding the pillow.  We had quite an altercation and I almost called his Dad.  Once he was calm, we talked about what Proverbs has to say about taking correction and how he did just what Adam did - tried to blame ME for his wrong answer. Just like Adam blamed God by saying "This woman YOU sent me. . . "

And we talked about those who do take correction become wise.

Because I had so much trouble regarding the math lesson, the paper was crumpled and tossed and he had to do the whole thing over. 

And that's how we do things. LOL!

Next time I bet when I say "this answer looks wrong" he will say "Oh, let me go see if I can find what I did wrong."

School builds character.  That is our primary use of it anyway.  These issues are far more important than if he adds right or not.

Boy #3 did pretty good with his school.  He has a book he could not find so that school is still on his list for Wed.  We set up at church Wed and then have about an hour and a half until supper. The boys usually play outside or in the gym and if it rains they play an educational board game.  However, if they do not complete all 5 of their subjects on Mon and Tues, then I write down what still needs done and that will be done on Wed when they would usu have free time.  I try to let the consequences of their actions fall on their shoulders in a logical way.  Work before play.

The twins were instructed carefully and at length about what was expected of them in regards to the thank you note and how/where they were to sit.  They then took their notes to their room and did just what they were not supposed to do. LOL! So the notes were put up and they both got to copy this sentence: "When I write I will sit straight at a desk or table with my feet flat on the floor."

They both forgot the period at the end of the sentence, so they both got to write the sentence a second time.  Then they put that paper in their folder and got back on their thank you notes.

Never a dull moment!

Those people who look at me and say "what do you do with your kids all day?" good grief!  my kids can take all day to do the simplest things!!

We got the laundry room clean today. Really clean. I took out all the laundry hampers because the children were cleaning the floor by putting anything on it back in the laundry bins. Including folded clean clothes and any clean socks. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

so all their laundry is in their room supposed to be in a basket. The babies and mine I keep in the bathroom. Laundry is an ongoing pain in my side around here. Not even so much the keeping up with it, but the training. You know, if you wear clothes and never put them in the laundry and mom makes you change. . . you um, run out of clothes eventually!

And if you keep getting socks out of the sock basket but never put your dirty ones in the laundry, eventually the sock basket will be empty.

These things seem so self explanatory! 

Oy!

All in all tho I am pleased with what we got done today. A lot of training, a fair amount of attitude adjusting (roo even got a spanking!), and even a little bit of school.  ha ha - and 3 loads of laundry  so far. 27 more to go of course. . .

And the dance goes on!

Love to all!

Jo

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Been reading other's school schedules.

Very interesting.  Either I am slack or I do it different cuz I've been doing it so long.

Anyway, here is our new schedule I laid out this morning. It is for the boys (10 and 13), the girls are responsible for their own high school work altho I am going to put roo and his watcher on a 2 hr rotation so they have time to work w/o interruption.  Zee gets hers here and there - she loves school and I don't feel any pressure to be terribly structured with her. (5)

Here it is:

M - 5 subjects - journal

T - 5 subjects - TY day

W - church

Th - 5 subjects - storytime

F - Co-op & handwriting

Broken out on another page which I will fill in for each boy individually:

M- Bible _______________

     Reading 1 hour from reading list

     Writing   journal - diary, prayer or use a prompt __________________

     Math     next lesson _________

     Science   next lesson in book

     Social Studies - sticker, encyc, and internet

T - Bible    _______________

      Reading - lighter fare, magazines, etc.

      Writing - Thank You note

      Math - next lesson   ________

      Science - next lesson

      Social Studies - work from papers Mom has assigned

W - Church - volunteer, PE, Rangers

Th - Bible   ________________

        Reading - read from papers Mom has printed out

        Writing - papers Mom assigned

       Social Studies - papers from Mom

       Art Appreciation - internet

       Music - Great Hymns

F - Co-op - class at co-op

      Handwriting with Gram

-----------------------------------------------

That is it.  Doesn't look as involved as others I see.  For Bible, the twins are reading thru the New Testament, but one gets more into it than the other and is in 2nd Corinthians.  The other goes steadily at a chapter each time and is in 1st Corinthians.  I am back in John. I got behind.

Joshua is doing Proverbs. He reads a chapter and chooses one verse to copy, discuss, use for handwriting, etc.  It is very interesting to see what he chooses and why.

For reading Josh is supposed to be working on our assigned reading for graduation, but he keeps losing his books. Dad is going to take over that for this year with him.  Dads make all the difference with sons after about 9/10!!!  Try it!

The twins aren't really ready for most of what is on the list, but they are into chapter books like Boxcar Children. My daughter Sarah recently went through our library and found a lot of books for them.  They also read in reader's, like I used in school. I use ones from the 50's mostly and a few early 60's. Good wholesome stuff!

For writing I do my own. I teach them grammar as we go, and the steps to writing.  They all have journals. I get a kids presidential prayer email each week and sometimes we work off of that for prayer.  They can do pretty much anything they want in their journal. The twins journals contain some prompts in them. Younger kids I also let draw in their journals. Oh, the most precious things!!  I will offer a prompt each week.  Or they can do a diary type entry, eventually I help them move into more of a journal type entry recording their thoughts, ideas, and feelings.  At first we use prompts, but they move on pretty quickly on their own.  They also enjoy discussing it with mom. Note*I never read my children's journals unless I have their permission.  I am not one of those "it is their space" types, I just do not want to discourage them or make them uncomfortable -  if they are not comfortable with someone reading their writing I feel they would be hesitant to write freely.  And the free writing and enjoyment of it is important to me.  The way it has worked out is that all my children have asked me to read their journals eventually even if they first started off wanting it private.  Once they get comfortable with what they are doing, they are eager to share.

Tuesday we do Thank You notes - something God impressed on me this morning and why I started writing this schedule. The note can be to anyone. I have some pretty cards and they may choose their own and write what they wish, but we are going to say "thanks"!  What a good month for it huh?  I am also getting stamps so the notes get mailed!

Thursday is storytime - meaning I want to encourage them to do their own writing. Stories, poems, etc.  Some of them have made up songs, some have made up worlds.  This is their time to work at getting those things onto paper for posterity.  This is also where we will work on character development, settings, imagery, and other such writing basics.  Monday is more for nonfiction, Thurs more towards fiction or fleshing out a thought.

Math is pretty self explanatory. We use BJU all the way through.  It has worked well, the kids love it. We tried Saxon Algebra and my kids hated it! So I went back to BJU and John took off.  Basically I hand them the book and say "see me if you have a question."  We start 1st grade in K5 and do it for two years, then they go thru 6th grade and then move into Algebra I.  Jr. Hi is all review and they don't need that. They take two years in their 4th grade also - at least everyone so far has except maybe Josh - learning the times tables.  Josh learned his early and taught some to the twins too.  He is our resident genius.  He is ready for Algebra already. So is Hannah. In fact the way I got Hannah to move ahead in her Math book is by telling her Josh had 7 lessons and then he would need her book. She was appalled! LOL! Sarah is stuck in her Algebra, so what I am going to do is teach Algebra I to all 3 of them and maybe we will move ahead.

Science - each of them has an ABeka science book at current. We do lots of different things for science but this year I am concentrating more on social studies. They are always free to experiment and we learn a lot just by our lifestyle because I LOVE science and love to teach it. One of the twins is in a science class at co-op also.

For Social Studies all 3 are working on geography/social studies in a sticker book we have.  They choose a sticker, look it up in the encyclopedia and sometimes online if there is not a lot in the encyc or if there is more i want them to know, then they get to put the sticker on.  Makes it interesting for them.

In addition to that, I am using several sites online and doing a monthly theme. Printing out papers and doing unit type studies on such subjects as The Constitution, 4th of July, Pilgrims/Indians, etc.  Whatever I choose for the month.

For Art Appreciation I am doing what Angie does. I will try to post a link and explanation another time.

For Music we are using our Greatest Hymns books and reading about the hymn, then I will sing it for them. I WISH i had piano music for all the hymns. sigh. I know an excellent pianist, I need to get with her and see if she will make me a tape to go along with each book. I know she has the knowledge and skill!! I just need to get on it!

I think that is everything. We set up for the dinner every Wed, so that is our volunteer time and work time.  The boys usu play basketball or football or some other game after setting up.  If it is raining they bring board games.  Then they go to Royal Rangers (they have an online site - really neat), it is a lot like scouts. You earn badges, say pledges, go camping, etc.  It is a real boy thing and they enjoy it for the most part.  Those things plus all the getting ready for Wed service at home is enough for one day for me! You would not . .. ok, yes you would . ..  believe what an ordeal that is! sheesh!

I am with Leann in that I need to be more organized and structured.  All of my boys seem to do better with more structure and sameness. My girls seem better able to handle a flexible schedule.  so - this is my time to be serious also and buckle down and get more accomplished around here.

In addition to school, I am going to spartanize the boys room, reorganize my laundry room and change the way we do it, declutter the girls room and my LR, rearrange both entries, and hopefully do some painting.  and then of course there is the Christmas shopping. . . lists, trips, etc.  Let's just say we will be very busy!  We usually take off school from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I am not sure we will do that this year. Co-op is taking off all that time until the New Year but I believe we will keep up this structure until Christmas and then take off between Christmas and on into January for a break.  Not too much of a break tho cuz my boys need that structure.  We took a lot of time off to play outside in Sept, then in Oct it was still nice out (even now it is 70* during day - In NOVEMBER) so I had them doing school at night and out during the day.  Life is too short to waste a perfect day indoors! Esp when you are a kid!

We have a very unconventional schedule for many reasons, but I feel I have to be flexible to meet the needs of as many family members as I can. so we live an odd (to others) life. Works for us tho.

Well, is that clear as mud? LOL!  That is our newest schedule and I will try to keep you updated as to how it is going. Oh, I also need to work on the daily time schedule and the two hour school/roo shifts.  More, more, more.

Jo out and off to a hot bath or bed, whichever I get to first. LOL!

PTL Roo is now going to sleep waaaay earlier!!!  Before midnite for two weeks now!  GOD IS SO GOOD!!  I actually have time every night to empty my brain and think organized thoughts. I even got up before everyone this am, was wide awake, and wrote out schedules, talked to God, etc. WOW!!

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POTTY TRAINING WARNING

I, personally, am tired of hearing people's potty training trials, questions, etc.  so i posted a warning for any similarly tired people. LOL

That said - this story is just interesting.  It has been my experience usually kids have trouble making it STOP - not making it go!  Roo seems to have the opposite!  He has long been going only 4x a day and staying dry thru the night.  I told the girls if we could just get him to go on the potty successfully 2 or 3 times, he would be so easy to train! (Isn't that a funny word? train? Isn't that what we do to dogs?)

This morning Roo was dry and had not gone all night. I know cuz he had no diaper on. He often goes diaperless at night because the diaper causes him to itch. so - dry all night you KNOW the kid needed to go potty!

I did too and knew he would go in with me, so I put him on first.  Protest he did, but not loudly or successfully. I turned on the tub and the sink.  I put warm water in a cup and put his hand in it. I even poured warm water over his you know.  NOTHING! Can you even believe that??  How does he do it?

We were getting nowhere and I had to go, so I took his pants off and he stepped into the tub to play in the water. I figured if he would not do the toilet, then the tub would be a good 2nd. Certainly at least better than my floor!  I guess he went in the tub finally.  No plug in, he was just playing in the water while mommy sat potty.

This is going to be an interesting ride I think! It may well wait until next summer. I waited til all my boys were 3 after the first one. Why give myself the hassle? Roo will be 3 in May. The best way I've found to train is to let them go outside in training pants and when they have an accident, they come in and get cleaned up.  They quickly learn if they come in and go they can get back to playing quicker. And all the mess is OUTside.  Best method I've found so far. I just thought Roo might be ready now. And i think he is IF we can figure out his schedule and find a way to make him go successfully on the pot.

For #1 anyway.  #2 is a whole nother matter cuz there is nothing regular about that part!  I guess it has to do with what he eats, but there is sure no pattern!  Some of mine were so regular I had that part trained before they were 2.  They went at the same time everyday and it was very easy to get them trained and save myself the hassle of stinky diapers. Sweet!

Every kid sure is different huh?  I am glad this is my 8th go round and I just don't stress about it.  When I think of the time and energy I wasted on my first and then when he was 3 it was just like someone waved a magic wand and it was DONE! lol - pays to wait

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Laurie wrote a great blog remembering when her kids were little.  In it she shares with us - "So many of you moms are on a wonderful path, journaling while your children are little.  Don't give it up!  You will be surprised at how reading it later will refresh memories for you and your children!  Don't stop just because they are getting older, and not as "cute" every day.  There are still things to treasure, wisdom showing itself for the first time, the trials of a child becoming independent.  Don't delete your blogs!  Print them out, scrapbook them.  Keep journaling."

I wanted to share something I need to journal about one of my older kids. (He is still cute tho! lol) John was very disappointed this goround when his candidate lost - again. But more importantly, we lost the House (and finally the Senate also). It was hard. To work sooo hard and do so much and then have to accept defeat and loss.

One of his fellow campaigners said it best.  Jeremy said, "The next two years are going to be rough, but God is good."

I praise God for the precious people he has put in my children's lives.  I am moved to tears to think of it. People that help them keep the main thing the main thing, people that help them keep their eyes on God - even when the going is tough, people that inspire them to be more and do more, people that make them want to be better, people that encourage and edify and lift. God has so so richly blessed us.

While John was gone I was doing some reading on a group called Covenant Players. A missionary drama group that I am sure Mr. W will be with one day as soon as the Lord makes it possible health and financially wise.  There were many stories in the anniversary newsletter and one in particular I shared with John after he said he felt like it was all for nothing.  I share it here for you:

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What is a meme??

1) ONE HOMESCHOOLING BOOK YOU HAVE ENJOYED

- A Survivor's Guide to Homeschooling

even tho people make fun of this book, i found it very helpful, very realistic, and recommend it to any real homeschooler who lives in the day to day of being real and letting kids grow

2) ONE RESOURCE YOU WOULDN'T BE WITHOUT

- GOD!  He has been just totally amazing at the way He has brought things together for my children. Bringing just what each needs when they need it. From a real live snake on our property (NONpoisonous - GOOD God!) that John caught and we observed - to the RNC opportunity for John.  Just amazing!

3) ONE RESOURCE YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER BOUGHT

- Saxon math. my kids just hated it!

4) ONE RESOURCE YOU ENJOYED LAST YEAR

- the internet.  Some interactive maps, research opportunities, and printable pages. It helped to stoke my fire to have new things at a great price - free!

5) ONE RESOURCE YOU WILL BE USING THIS YEAR

- edhelper.com  My mom gifted us with a subscription here and this is what most of our school is coming from for this year.

6) ONE RESOURCE YOU WOULD LIKE TO BUY

- all the Weaver curriculum.  That was my alltime favorite curriculum. We all learned SO MUCH using it. I just liked it all around.

I would also like to round out my curriculum by adding arts and music appreciation courses.  someday. . .

7) ONE RESOURCE YOU WISH EXISTED

- hmmmm, never considered this before. . .an online typing course.

8) ONE HOMESCHOOLING CATALOGUE YOU ENJOY READING

- Timberdoodle. neat stuff! I don't get any catalogs anymore tho.  Finally just stopped ordering.

9) ONE HOMESCHOOLING WEBSITE YOU USE REGULARLY

- edhelper.com

10) TAG FIVE OTHER HOMESCHOOLERS

1. Angie

2. Norma

3. Robin

4. TNMOMTOMANYBLESSINGS

5. You!

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Well, i finally found a quick and easy way for me to get here to post.

1. i go to my bloglines - a quick click on my "links" bar ( if you are not using your links bar, you need to! As Wheezy (sp) says - "Loooooove it!")

2. I click on Leann's RSS feed

3. I click at top of her feed to go to her site

4. i read it then log in and come here.

LOL! I said quick and easy "for me"!!

At any rate, this way my bloglines get open and i switch to Angie's while Leann's page loads in a new window; I read Leann's, then post in my own plus I get Angie's read.  And yes, those are the only two blogs in the entire vast blogosphere that I am able to keep up with. How sorry is that????

I purposed originally in this blog to try to do more day to day blogging. A few people have shared with me they would be interested in that, so I will try. Also, I really love reading Leann and Angie's blogs about their day to day so I hope mine will be interesting also.

Today John came home! WOO HOO!  He was in Indiana campaigning with the RNC for Mike Sodrel.  He went last year to Va. to campaign. What an awesome opportunity; it looks GREAT on his transcript; it prepares him for his future calling; and it is just plain fun!  If you would like your HS child age 13-19 to have this opportunity, please go to HSLDA.org and hunt around for info on Generation Joshua. It is a group started by HSLDA and run by Patrick Henry students and it is a vast wealth of great opportunities and info.  I will try to post a link here sometime when I have one handy.

They lost. bummer.  but they worked their fannies off. John said they worked way harder this time than last year.  Kudos to John for being top phone banker at 1,045! The average was 600-700 and the next highest was 800 - so he really worked! He said he had one Vault, one Mt. Dew, and 6 Cokes! (all diet)  and one 15 min break.  For being top caller EVER he got an autographed pic of Congressman Sodrel (he was congressman when John got the picture. lol, he isn't today! well, i don't actually know when they are sworn in but you know what i mean). There are only 20 in existence, so it is a big deal to him. He genuinely liked the guy.

He was again impressed with the Patrick Henry students. They run the Generation Joshua part of the campaign and work harder than the GenJ kids - who work ridiculous hours very hard!  It is just a fantastic time and a great opportunity.

I was sick all the time John was gone. SO unusual for me! But I believe I am on the mend now - had to actually break down and take antibiotics which then gave me a yeast infection. I took Olive Leaf Extract and I felt better - literally - in HOURS!  If you have a challenge with yeast, please do try the Olive Leaf Extract.  It is amazing stuff.

We left Roo's shoes at McD's Sat. Mr. W went to get them Monday and they were gone, but I did not ask if he asked for them or just looked. So I will find that out and go from there. If they do not exist, I guess Roo will get new ones.  Always something around here!

My mom and dad have had the twins all week and bought them tons of new clothes! Each got a winter jacket, socks, several tshirts, 2 ps jeans, 2 ps dress pants, and ski masks! Aren't grandparents great!?  It comes from me letting my boys pack themselves mostly. LOL - I told Mom next time they come (they go every month and Papa takes them to get their hair cut - a blessing for all) she is to make them a list to pack by. If they do not have all on the list, they cannot go. For I am not going to pack for them - but after buying all these new clothes, I think she deserves to have them come with what they need.  I have not addressed the issue of who will check the list yet. I vote Mr. W!! LOL - for he is also good at enforcement. They can lay them out neatly on Daddy's bed while he is at work, then it will be very easy for him to check the list off.  Yes, I believe that will work. Think Mr. W will go for it?  The man is truly just amazing and wonderful!! He really is! You deserve to meet him just cuz everyone should meet someone so wonderful!

My mom totally spoiled me today. You know I have been ill all week but had to go get John today. I asked her last night if I came over today (she is halfway in between my house and where I had to go to get John) would she make me pancakes? On her round cast iron (antique) griddle she still has from before I was born?! She said yes of course. So i did, and she did.

I was feeling pretty awful when I got there, so I ate my pancakes. ALONE! YES, REALLY!  the kids were all watching the tv (we don't have "tv" here, only dvd's) and roo was asleep in the van!  noone even wanted any pcakes, altho several had not eaten yet that day. oh well. . . then i went to take a hot bath. again, BY MYSELF! noone even knocked on the door - oh, well, yes, Josh did. Had to go potty. LOL - but still. Noone came in!  ha ha ha.

I was still feeling poorly after the bath, so I had some chicken soup. I felt pretty rough clear up until after I got John. I think the meds finally did more or maybe it was just John. who knows. I was sick all the time he was gone - maybe he is just magic?  He has a LOT of his Dad in him - he is quite close to wonderful himself!

N E way, now I am feeling quite almost well.  About time! I have got NOTHING done all week! Oh me oh my. I also need sweeper bags and that is on the agenda for Friday.  Sat is the football game and I will work concessions, so I won't get much done then. Of course we don't work on Sunday - so I guess this house will be a wreck until Monday when I have GREAT and GLORIOUS plans . . . to go to my friend's house and clean for her. Sheesh.  Her 6yo daughter was recently diagnosed with diabetes and it has been unbelievable trying to get her on an even keel. She goes from 45 to 600. Ridiculous! So Robin has been pretty overwhelmed. I saw her house, and she needs help.  She is to host Thanksgiving for 30-40, so she needs her house cleaned. I am hosting nothing, so mine can wait.  I also have way more older kids than she does. Hers are 15, 7, and 6.

Well, Roo is up asking for me and needing his benadryl so I am going to close. I hope this has not bored you to tears!  Pray for my house to self clean or something cuz my schedule is pretty full! (Do they make those? My freezer deices itself and my oven will clean itself, why not my house???)

Til next time - Jo out

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I deliberately left out BIBLE - most of us would have that in several times - you can put it in if you choose, i just chose not to:

1. Five books that have changed your life.

a. The Greatest Miracle by Og Mandino (you need to read Og!)

b. John, Son of Thunder by Ellen Gunderson Traylor (she has several other historical biographies as well)

c. Autobiography of George Mueller by well. . . um. . . oh yes . . .

d. This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti

e. Sold Out by (i think) Coach McCartney. yes it is - Bill McCartney, founder of Promise Keepers, offers a dynamic game plan for men who are ready to trade worldly success for greater intimacy with God, their spouses, and their children.

2. Five books you think everyone should read.

a. The Greatest Miracle by Og Mandino

b. Captain's Courageous by Rudyard Kipling

c. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

d. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

e. Hans Brinker and the Silver Skates by Mary Mapes Dodge

f. Treasure of The Snow by Patricia St. John

3. Five books that made you cry.

a. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

b. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

c. Fearfully and Wonderfully Made by Philip Yancey & Paul Brand

d. Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge

e. Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado

4. Five books you still don't understand.

a. On Walden Pond by Thoreau

b. Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

c. Autobiography of Billy Graham

d. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

e. The Mitford Series by Jan Karon 

5. Five books on your "to read" list.

a. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

b. On Walden Pond by Thoreau

c. Autiobiography of George Mueller by him

d. Franklin Graham's newest book

e. Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado

6. Five favorite fiction.

a. Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

b. The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien

c. Treasures of the Snow by Patricia St. John

d. The Darkness Novels by Frank Peretti

7. Five favorite non-fiction.

a. On Walden Pond by Thoreau

b. Autiobiography of George Mueller

c. Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

d. Basic Christianity by R.W. Stott

e. A Question of Yams by Gloria Repp

8. Five all time favorite kids books.

a. Cat In The Hat by Dr. Seuss

b. Ferdinand the Bull by Robert Lawson 

c. Are You My Mother? by P.D. Eastman

d. The Monster at The End of This Book by Sesame Street

e. I'm Glad I'm Your Mother by Bill Horlacher

9. Five books on your "to buy" list.

a. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

b. Ferdinand the Bull by Robert Lawson

c. All the Max Lucado I do not have

d. All the C.S. Lewis I do not have

e. Common Sense by Thomas Paine

10. Five books that would make great shims.  (Use them to balance your bookcase)

a. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

b. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

c. Lord of the Flies by William Golding

d. Harry Potter books

e. Anything by Edgar Allen Poe

We have a reading list all of our children must read in order to move out of our homeschool. Mostly classics, with a few other great books mixed in. If anyone is interested in having the list, post me a comment and I will get it to you. It is in a database format and rated for level of difficulty/maturity and also I and 3 or 4 of my kids have rated the books according to our own perceptions of them - scale of 1 to 5 with one end being "don't waste your time" to the other end which is "DO NOT MISS THIS".

Additions to my list I would recommend if:

~if you love animals - anything by James Herriot

~if you want a fresh view of life in Christ - anything by Max Lucado

~if you need to be inspired especially as regards working with people - anything by Og Mandino

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I do not know what a meme is, but I love them!

Tonite I caught up on two of my friend's blogs - Angie and Leann. Both are here at hsblog, we all used to be at xanga together back when blogging was newer.  I've been friends with both of these ladies since I was just using a mailstation yeeeears ago! The twins were little and now they will be 11 on 12/28.  looong time in the world of net.

Both are GREAT bloggers and I am sure you would enjoy them as much as I do!  Check them out!  We were all pregnant together with our last ones - all 3 boys born within months of each other. LOL - what an incredible blessing!

N E way, I got inspired by their blogs and came up with my own meme tonite.  I will post the q's, then add my answrs in a bit. I am a total book lover - and these ladies are too - and so. . .

1. Five books that have changed your life.

2. Five books you think everyone should read.

3. Five books that made you cry.

4. Five books you still don't understand.

5. Five books on your "to read" list.

6. Five favorite fiction.

7. Five favorite non-fiction.

8. Five all time favorite kids books.

9. Five books on your "to buy" list.

10. Five books that would make great shims.  (Use them to balance your bookcase)

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This is the blessing my husband spoke over our son at his commencement:

Will you please rise; extend your hand to John and

pray with me as we speak a blessing into his life:

John, kneel here and know these words as we pray:

         Father God, we praise your mighty name. Loose your spirit here and guide our hearts as we pray.  Here and now Lord, we raise up to you John Allen Chipps - a warrior for your kingdom.  Lord, this man has gathered his armor piece by piece, and now he is ready to continue the good fight. Amen.

         John, you have the belt of truth and through the power of the Holy Spirit you can and will know the truth that will set you free.

         The helmet of salvation has been with you and will be with you forevermore.

         The breastplate of righteousness will go before you wherever you travel. Men will see it and be drawn to the Father because of the way you wear it.

         As you carry the shield of faith, you will see hooks fastened on both sides.  Use these hooks to lock armor with other saints of God.  Remember, “Where 2 or 3 are gathered, there am I in the midst of them,””so says our Savior.

         Be always ready to defend the gospel.  Have your feet fitted so when you run you will not stumble.

         Finally John - the sword of the Spirit will always be at your side.  It is vital that you keep it honed to a razor’s edge.

         So, as the Kings in ages past knighted their warriors with the sword of man.  I will do likewise with the sword of our God:

                  [D knighted John with D's bible - the one his parents gave him that he wore the cover off of, that my parents had recovered and I presented it to him for his birthday.]

         Rise and be ready ~ the Future begins now.

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Good grief! it took me half an hour to FIND my blog!  I was inspired to return here and blog cuz my daughter is now at HB! Woo hoo!  I would direct you to her site, but I have no idea how to get there.   That info will be forthcoming in the next blog.

Did not realize it had been that long since I had blogged! 

We've been busy of course - like all of you.  School is going fairly well.  I keep telling myself it will be easier next year when Roo is 3, not 2. He is very high maintenance!

Joshua is doing character studies this year out of a book someone gave us and it is THE THING.  We both are really enjoying it, learning, sharing, etc.  and i think it is making a difference and will continue to as we go on.  I am looking forward to the next two doing it also. They are twins, but i am not going to have them do it at the same time.  One first, then the other.  My kids (I am sure they are the only ones) have an awful time with "losing" things.  One kid one book is more than enough!

My second oldest turns 17 this month. I like that.  Know why?  LOL - cuz she will be over compulsory age. ha ha - no more freaking out about record keeping.   Isn't life hilarious?

I met two girls this past year who got tossed out of school, one 17, one 16.  So I thought if i just sent my kids to school and let them get kicked out then i wouldn't have to keep any records at all.   They weren't into it.  Even tho my 16yo knows 4 ways to get kicked out!

Other than the new character studies, it is reading, writing, and rithmetic as usual with social studies tossed in and science ALL THE TIME!  I love science and everything is science!  Of course you can call a lot of things social studies too!

I have tons on my list TO DO - ballroom dancing, first aid course, and more. But it waits nicely.  I graduated my first, and I feel very good about who he is and what we did. We did not cover everything I wanted covered, but I still felt good about it.

I listened to a VERY edifying program today - Chip Ingram LIVING ON THE EDGE.  He was talking about parenting/raising kids and he said there were three things that showed your children had transferred their dependence to Christ from their parents.  He said, "I don't want to raise my children to be independent."  It was a good point!

The 3 things are:

1. They make wise decisions.

2. They keep their committments.

3. They genuinely care for others.

Looking at those, I can be very pleased at how John turned out.  He really does love the Lord and has a passion for Christ.  He does genuinely care for others, and he has long made wise decisions and kept his committments.  Even when they were unpleasant.  All around he is an incredible young man and we are SO proud of him!  In thinking on that today I realized I need to tell him. I have and I do think he knows, but I am going to tell him again just because I think you can never hear it enough. 

I don't know if anyone is interested, but I think I might post some parenting "stuff" on here as it comes.  I have a lot of thoughts on the subject.  I know I will post a "thought" i penned not too long after John's graduation.  On seeing our children as potential rather than as problems.

Let me go look for that now. 

I hope to increase my readership on here. If anyone has any ideas on how to do that, let me know.  I guess I love an audience.  LOL

Jo out

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I have not been blogging here becuz i just don't think there is a readership. I already have a settled readership at xanga, so i spend most of my time over there.  If this one picks up in readership, I would spend more time here. I know you know what i mean.

We actually started school in July - the kids pretty much do their own. Zee is 5 this year, but her sisters enjoy working with her plus Gma does handwriting.  I have Sept scheduled to get more serious and buckle down a bit.  July and Aug have been pretty easygoing. We start a new curriculum in our children's ministry in Sept, so I have been concentrating on that in August. Plus - it appears I will be starting a co-op in Sept for homeschoolers, so that is taking some of my time too.

And this house and these kids take a huge chunk just to keep things running!  A HUGE chunk!  I trust it is all worthwhile.

Well, I am off to take a bubble bath now that the little one is sleeping and the boys are settled.  I imagine Zee is still up, but Sarah and Hannah can handle her.

Love to all

Jo

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Best of the Web Today - April 21, 2006

By JAMES TARANTO

Journalistic Identity Crisis


Greg Mitchell, editor of Editor & Publisher, a trade magazine for newspapermen, declares that "America faces a crisis almost without equal in recent decades":

 

Our president, in a time of war, terrorism and nuclear intrigue, will likely remain in office for another 33 months, with crushingly low approval ratings that are still inching lower. Facing a similar problem, voters had a chance to quickly toss Jimmy Carter out of office, and did so. With a similar lengthy period left on his White House lease, Richard Nixon quit, facing impeachment. Neither outcome is at hand this time.

 

So what exactly is the crisis here? The president will finish his term, as the Constitution provides. If the polls are to be believed, a significant portion of the public is unhappy with him at this moment (though who knows what they'll say tomorrow?). Big whoop. Our system of government is designed to insulate our elected representatives from the momentary passions of public opinion. If people aren't happy, they can let it be known at the ballot box in a little over six months, and again in a little over 2 1/2 years.

 

Again, what's the problem? Well, here's more Mitchell:

Many Republicans fear their president's image as a bumbler will hurt their party for years. The rest may fret about the almost certain paralysis within the administration, or a reversal of certain favorite policies. A Gallup poll this week revealed that 44% of Republicans want some or all troops brought home from Iraq. Do they really believe that their president will do that any time soon, if ever? . . .

 

No wonder so many are starting to look for a way to shorten or short-circuit the extended crisis period. Republicans demand a true shake-out at the White House. This week at Vanity Fair online, Carl Bernstein is calling for a Watergate-style congressional probe of possible high crimes and misdemeanors. . . .

I don't have a solution myself now, although all pleas for serious probes, journalistic or official, of the many alleged White House misdeeds should be heeded. But my point here is simply to start the discussion, and urge that the media, first, recognize that the crisis--or, if you want to say, impending crisis--exists, and begin to explore the ways to confront it.

 

The elements of the "crisis" Mitchell describes are twofold: (1) Iraq isn't Vietnam--i.e., a war the press helps lose for America; and (2) the Bush administration hasn't produced a Watergate--i.e., a corruption scandal in which the press helps bring down an administration. This isn't a crisis for America. For most Americans, Vietnam and Watergate were tragedies, and we'd rather not repeat them, thank you very much.

 

But it is a crisis for the press. For journalists of a certain age, Vietnam and Watergate were triumphs that they are eager to repeat. It doesn't look as though that's going to happen. Our advice to newsmen? Pray. "Lord, grant me the courage to change what I can, the serenity to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference."

 

Amen. Now stop crusading and report the **** news.

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More from Family Life Today – very eye opening! Apparently guys want the same things we women do – to feel wanted, special, important. BUT – what it takes for them to feel that way is VERY DIFFERENT from what it takes for US to feel that way!

Desiring His Love
Broadcast Date: 03/29/05

Bob: It probably doesn't surprise you that when it comes to intimacy in marriage, women have more of a desire for the emotional connectedness than the actual physical act. But it may surprise you to know that men feel the same way. Here's author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shaunti: When we have an emotional equivalent of it, I don't know why we tend to think our men don't, that it's just a physical need – they just want some sex. One guy that I interviewed, he said, very interestingly, because it's about being wanted, a man would really rather go out and clip hedges in the freezing rain than make love to a wife who seemed to be responding out of duty.

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, March 29th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. There are some things we've learned about your husband that may surprise you, as we take a look today at the secret lives of men.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.

Dennis: Are you feeling secure today, Bob?

Bob: I am feeling …

Dennis: Feeling respected?

Bob: I'm feeling manly – I'm feeling manly. You use the term "bowed up," isn't that the term you like?

Dennis: That's what I …

Bob: That's how I'm feeling – I'm feeling bowed up.

Dennis: That's how Barbara makes me feel, and she joins us on FamilyLife Today – back by popular demand. In fact, you and I were voted off the broadcast by our listeners. Forget you two, let Barbara just come on and take over.

Bob: Barbara, welcome to FamilyLife Today.

Barbara: Thank you, Bob, I'm glad to be here.

Bob: And we also have a guest who is with us, who is going to help us take a look inside the private lives of American men – probably not just American men – all men, right?

Shaunti: All men.

Bob: Did you do your research worldwide?

Shaunti: It was actually only in America, but we got a pretty good cross-section including people who were not originally from here – Philippine islanders and all over the place.

Dennis: A thousand men, right?

Shaunti: The survey wasn't of 1,000 men, but over 1,000 men provided input for the book.

Dennis: Yes, and if you'd been anywhere near where Shaunti Feldhahn had walked out of a grocery store – I got the feeling by the time I finished your book, you talked to pretty much every man you ran into.

Shaunti: I did. I'd go up to the guys behind the counter at Starbuck's and say, "Now, what would you feel in this situation?" And pretty soon – I was kind of worried that the men in neighborhood would see me coming and run.

Dennis: Start to hide a little bit – well, she and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta. They lead a home group in their own local church and minister to married couples. She has written a book called "For Women Only," and already this week we have talked about how women can understand their husband's need – not for love, although they do have a need for love – but their need to be respected. And today we want to talk about a second need that – well, was it a surprise to you that men had needs to be intimate with their wives?

Shaunti: Here is what is not the surprise. I don't think it's a surprise to any woman on the planet that their husbands want more sexual intimacy, but what was the surprise, like many of these things, was going down below the surface and trying to understand why. Because that's really, I think, a lot of us, we women, just don't get that.

Dennis: What do you mean why?

[laughter]

Shaunti: Do you think it's so obvious?

Dennis: Bob and I looking at each other, like, "What do you mean why?"

Shaunti: Well, and here is really the statement that we women don't get – we think of physical intimacy in marriage as simply, really, a physical need. That's sort of what we equate it to in our heads. And as I tell some women, you know, I've got preschool children, and when you've been pulled on by little hands all day, sleep seems like a physical need as well. And when you, as a woman, compare the physical need of sex with the physical need of sleep, sometimes sleep is going to win. And unfortunately, that's just the way it is.

And what I discovered in the research in talking to all these men that I interviewed and surveyed around the country was that for me physical intimacy with their wives isn't just about getting some sex. It's about feeling wanted and desired by their wives, and feeling wanted and desired, then, gives them this amazing sense of confidence and a sense of well being in the rest of their lives. So suddenly you realize it's actually this enormous emotional need and suddenly it doesn't seem comparable to sleep.

Bob: Now, I'm presuming, as you say that, that it doesn't do the same thing for women. They don't come away with a sense of confidence and well-being as a result of being with their husbands.

Shaunti: We tend to feel cherished. You know, it is an emotional need for us, but in our minds – I don't know why – maybe Barbara has some insight on this – I don't know why we women tend to equate it in – when we have an emotional equivalent of it, I don't know why we tend to think our men don't – that it's just a physical need, they just want some sex.

One guy that I interviewed, he said, very interestingly, he said, you know, a man, because it's about being wanted, a man would really rather go out and clip hedges in the freezing rain than make love to a wife who seemed to be responding out of duty. And, you know, we think, "Well, he's still getting the sex, what's the big deal?" But when you understand it's about being wanted, it's a completely different thing.

Barbara: I think we're wired differently. I think our emotional makeup is so different and for a man it's so tied up with who he is as a man, his masculinity and his identity as a male, and it's not as closely tied to our identity as a female. We have other ways for expressing our femaleness, and, for a man, that's so central to who he is as a male.

Bob: So you're saying it does meet an emotional need for a wife, but that need could be met in a variety of other ways, whereas for a man there aren't any other ways.

Shaunti: There's really no other way.

Barbara: There's really no other way, exactly.

Bob: You wrote about this subject in the book, "Rekindling the Romance." You wrote to wives and said, "We've got to have a better understanding of this issue."

Barbara: Yes, and I said that, for women, we have many avenues for fulfilling who we are, as women. Our essential femaleness can be expressed through having children and nurturing them, nursing them as babies, raising them, that whole process for a woman is very fulfilling. It affirms me as a female. It's what God made me to do. And I can experience what God made me to do by having children.

Now, God also made me to be intimate with my husband, but it's not the only thing He made me to do as a female. And so I have this other avenue where I can nurture children and even nurture other people that is gratifying to me as a woman that meets that emotional need that I have as a female, and it's different for a man.

Dennis: And it's why, for a woman, she can say, "I just need you to hug me. That will meet my emotional need." I don't know that I've ever asked Barbara in 32 years of marriage, "Sweetheart, I have an emotional need. Would you just hug me?"

Barbara: I can affirm that you've not asked for that.

Bob: Could we just cuddle tonight?

Barbara: No, I've not heard that.

Dennis: But it points out the different needs that we have, and it's affirming the very thing you're writing about, Shaunti, in your book. You say something here – I want to read this, and then I want to play a clip from an interview we did with a few men that affirms your statement. You say this – "Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well being and confidence in all areas of his life." Now listen to these comments by these men …

Man: What I need from her is for her to want me. You know, we've talked about this, that sexually I want her to want me and, of course, most women don't feel that way.

Man: A lot of the satisfaction a man gets from sex is the pleasure that his wife gets from it, and if my wife is not enjoying it and not getting pleasure from it, I don't really enjoy it, either.

Man: I think it would be horrible for me to be intimate with Kathy without her sensing any kind of joy or satisfaction or involvement or personal involvement in it. It's the basis of the relationship that makes sex so wonderful, and if sex is wonderful, it's because you're both participating, and you're both enjoying it.

Bob: I think what he was saying there is that he'd rather be out clipping hedges in the cold rain. You may come away physically with some sense of satisfaction, but emotionally you walk away going, "I feel worse than I did back before this all got started."

Shaunti: One of the things that helps women get this when I give a talk, and several of them said the same thing that I did before I really understood what's behind this, which is "I don't get it." And I went to Jeff, and Jeff said, "Look, here is what this is. If she is only responding because she has to, he is being rejected by his wife," and finally I recognized and, ladies, out there, if you're listening to this, and you're thinking, "My husband wants more sex," cancel that thought out in your mind and substitute, "No, my husband wants to feel wanted by me."

Dennis: And there's nobody else out of 6 billion people …

Shaunti: … on the planet …

Barbara: … who can do that for him.

Shaunti: Well, let me tell you something else that's really – there was a fascinating revelation as I talked to men about this – this one thing, of feeling wanted, is one of the reasons why, believe it or not, pornography sometimes has such a pull for men. We wonder, "What is it about that that has such a pull?" One guy said, "I'll tell you what it is – every single one of those pictures in those magazines, every single picture on the Internet, they all convey one message, just one – 'I want you.'" And this guy was saying, "That is what I want to feel from my wife."

Barbara: I read one time an article where some men were interviewed, and they said exactly the same thing, but the word they used was, in describing the lure of pornography, the word they used was the word "welcome" – "I feel welcome and received," and I never forgot that – that word "welcome" – that a man wants to feel welcomed by his wife, and it's the same thing.

Dennis: And it's what's warned about in the Proverbs when Solomon was talking to his son, and he was warning him about the woman of the streets. Remember how she was described? He said, "With a wink of her eyes and a twist of her necklace, she brazenly kissed him." Well, what's behind all that?

Barbara: She was inviting him.

Dennis: That's right, and she was expressing, "I want you." And I think what Solomon was warning his son about was getting your needs met in an immoral fashion.

Bob: And as a result of this, I think women need to understand every time a man initiates, he is taking a huge risk, because you are either going to respond, or you're not. And if you're not, the message is loud and clear.

Barbara: Rejection.

Shaunti: Rejection.

Bob: "I don't want you," and it could be, "I'm tired," it could be all kinds of things, but the message is still …

Shaunti: "You're not desirable."

Bob: Yes, there are a lot of things that are more desirable right now than you.

Shaunti: When we women don't understand this, one of the things that a guy told me, which I thought was such a powerful quote, is he said, "I can be doing badly at work or worried about my job, the house can be a wreck, the kids can be disobedient, I could be having problems in my industry, but if I know that my wife desires me, and she affirms me in bed, I can conquer the rest of the world, no problem. But conversely, if I get that same message that sometimes I feel out in the world – 'You don't measure up,' coming from my wife, that will devastate me far worse than anything that could happen in my career." And when we women don't get that, it is too easy for us to not recognize how fragile a man really feels when he's initiating and saying, "This is what I need from you," and if we hold it over his head or use it as a tit-for-tat kind of thing, all that is, again, it's not about the sex, it's about feeling wanted, and we're sending an enormous message loud and clear – "You aren't wanted."

Dennis: There is quote in your book, I assume, from a man that you interviewed. He said, "'No' is not a no to sex, as she might feel, it's a 'no' to me as I am." I wonder how many wives really understand the profound simplicity of that, and yet try to justify it and say, "You know what? I'm really not rejecting you. It's not about rejecting you. I'm just not interested."

Barbara: And she may really not be rejecting him in her mind.

Shaunti: She's tired or whatever.

Barbara: Or just want to wait until tomorrow night or whatever, and she's thinking, "I'm really not rejecting you," but from the way a man thinks, it does feel like rejection.

Bob: Which is one of the reasons, as I've talked with couples on this subject, I've said, "If a wife, for whatever reason, goes 'I'm preoccupied, I know that emotionally I can't go there,' whatever – for her to say, "Could we make plans to do this another time is completely different than 'I'm not interested right now.'"

Barbara: Absolutely.

Shaunti: The guy can, too.

Bob: A guy can go, you know, "I understand that. Sure, I can deal with that." But if you just say, "I'm not interested," it leaves it all up to us, and we come back, and our male ego says, "Well, that is about me. That's why you're not interested."

Shaunti: I've actually had a number of women in conferences when I've done speaking, they'll come up to me, and they'll say, "You know, my husband is just sort of depressed these days, and he's just feeling beaten down," maybe he lost his job or maybe he's having trouble at work, "and he's just going throughout his day with this lethargy. What do I do?" And I always ask, "Well, can I ask the hard question? Are you affirming him in bed? Do you guys have a good love life? Does he know you desire him?" And the answer always is, "Well, no, we haven't done that in months," or whatever. Never yet have I found a man who was just with this lethargy in his life and just feeling this lack of well being, who had a good relationship in this way with his wife.

One man compared this lack of well being to the same pain that you, as a woman, would feel that I, as a woman, would feel if your husband just stopped talking to you – sort of that same emotional pain. Let me read this quote – this one man said, "We've been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This, in turn, fosters anger and feelings of alienation."

When I've read that quote to a couple of men, when they've read this in some of the copies of my book before it was published, I've actually seen men tear up reading that, their eyes getting read at just how devastating that is to them.

Bob: Well, then, let me ask both of you ladies, if you're going to counsel a young wife who has little kids at home, who is exhausted, who feels pawed on all day, whose got all kinds of priorities, who may not have a whole lot of respect for her husband because maybe he's not a godly man. Maybe he doesn't inspire her in this way. She's lost some of that admiration, she's not feeling drawn toward him – are you getting the picture?

Shaunti: Yes.

Bob: And so here she is, and she's hearing this and going, "Okay, so I'm now supposed to warm up and be somebody special to him in intimacy? How does that work?"

Shaunti: Well, honestly, what I always say is it's a paradox, and you've got to start somewhere.

Barbara: Somebody has to start.

Shaunti: Yes.

Barbara: She can't sit and wait for him to be the kind of man that she respects first. That would be nice, but somebody has to make the first move, and she has a responsibility in the marriage, and he has a responsibility, too, but she can't do anything about his responsibility. She has no authority over him to make him change. She can't make him grow up to fit her image and then respond to him. She has a responsibility, before God, in that marriage, and she needs to take care of her responsibility.

Dennis: I think when we get to heaven, I think there are going to be some wives who are going to be honored by God with unspeakable adoration for what they had to endure and how much pain they had to suffer by being God's woman in a marriage to an unreasonable, maybe even an evil man. And I would not encourage any woman to allow a man to use evil to exploit her, but I do think there are a lot of women in secret who are being faithful to fulfill their assignment before God, and I think they're going to be called great in the kingdom of heaven. I think they're going to be women who were full of faith and perseverance and didn't quit, instead of being women who do quit and toss in the towel in their marriage.

Bob: And we've got to acknowledge with that, that even as both of you answered the question, you answered it with a soft, compassionate tone of voice, because you're calling on women to do something that is supernatural.

Shaunti: Well, and if I could also point out – and this is the other thing that I think many of us women really need to understand – it is supernatural, and it really does work as a paradox in that if we will respond to our husbands in that way, it's the same thing as showing respect, even if we think he hasn't earned it that day. If we will show our husbands and help him to feel like he is the most desirable man in the world, his confidence, his sense of well being is going to be lifted, his attitude is going to be lifted, he is going to want to shower love on this woman who is showing him and giving him what he needs. So it's not – also, I think it's really important for us to recognize that we do this without hope of it ever changing, is that I think many of us will find that as we take this step, that it absolutely changes everything, and it helps build the loving home that we most want.

Bob: And the wife who would say, "I hear you, and I tried that for a while, and it didn't change him," would you say maybe the depth of his woundedness, and I'm not trying to let him off the hook or get into some psychobabble, but maybe the depth of the hurt that he's feeling is so profound that you're just going to have to stay after it for a while.

Shaunti: Yes, I do actually, and I've seen many examples. We counsel married couples in our home group and try to love on them, and I've seen that there is an awful lot of woundedness in the men out there, and that this is one way we can overcome that. But sometimes it requires a little perseverance.

Barbara: The other thing I just wanted to add, too, is that we talked about this in our book, but it's exactly what you were saying, that women – that wives, with their husbands, have power, and this is the essence of what that power is – that we have the power to change his life by meeting his most important needs, and when women understand that we have that power, and it's a healthy power that God has given us, that God can use us to change a man's life, to change our husband's life by meeting that need. It's so much more motivating, and it just makes all the difference in your perspective as a wife on your husband and who he is and how God's wired him.

Bob: It, again, goes back to the difference between how we're made and understanding that and choosing to honor and respect and love one another, not according to our own terms, our own standards, but according to how we can best minister to our mate.

Dennis: Yes, and God is not a divine, cosmic, killjoy in creating men and women so differently from one another that He's pulling a trick on us. I believe He designed us so we'd both learn to deny ourselves and to meet the other person in a way that speaks to their needs specifically. And the question is, will you fulfill Philippians, chapter 2, verse 4 – not merely looking out for your own interests but also for the interest of others and specifically the interest of your spouse.

Bob: And if you don't fully understand the interests of your spouse, and you're a woman …

Dennis: … we have some help for you.

Bob: We do – contact us to get a copy. Go to our website, FamilyLife.com, at the bottom of the screen there's a little button that says, "Go." You just click that button, it will take you right to the page where you can get more information. You could also order online, if you'd like. And for those of you who have listened for a while, and you have never ordered the Simply Romantic Nights collection, this is a resource we created to try to help men and women express their love for one another in ways that – well, that take into account our uniquenesses as men and women.

This week, when you order a copy of Shaunti's book and you order the Simply Romantic Nights collection, well include at no additional cost your choice of either the CD audio or the cassettes of our conversation with Shaunti Feldhahn. You can get more information about that online at FamilyLife.com or, again, give us a call at 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, 1-800-FLTODAY.

You know, some of our listeners this week have already heard this series, because earlier this month we gave our Legacy Partners an opportunity to get a sneak preview of this week's conversation with Shaunti Feldhahn. We stay in touch with our Legacy Partners as they help provide the financial support for this ministry month in and month out, and we make available resources to try to strengthen your marriage and your family. We try to find the best resources we can and offer them to our Legacy Partners as a way of saying thank you for your ongoing financial support.

Now, if you think that would be something that would be helpful for your family, for your marriage, go online at FamilyLife.com, get more information about how you can become a Legacy Partner, or give us a call at 1-800-FLTODAY. Let me be real clear, we want to make sure that your first priority in giving is not to us, but it's to your local church. Beyond that, as you are able to help with our financial needs, we want to do what we can to help you build a stronger marriage and stronger family.

So, again, if you'd like more information about becoming a Legacy Partner, go online at FamilyLife.com or give us a call at 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.

Well, tomorrow, Shaunti Feldhahn is going to be back with us. We're going to continue to look at what wives need to know about men. I hope you can be with us.

I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We'll see you tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.

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The italicized portions are taken from a transcript of a Family Life Today show called For Women Only. Go here and click on “transcript” – or you can listen to the show if you prefer.  Or you can just read my entry! LOL!  Then go and read/hear the broadcast – esp the end where the guys (Bob and Dennis) call Shaunti’s husband and ask him how she has changed!  It is really neat and a great example for us!  Do you ever tell your hubby you are proud of him??  I didn’t ask if you were, I asked if you ever told him!  Your hubby may love you – or not, but you’d still like to hear it!  Esp at a particular time when you aren’t feeling terribly lovable!!

For men, their highest need is not to feel loved and cherished, as it is ours. It's to feel respected by us and trusted by us and, in fact, we can spend so much time trying to show our husbands that we love them, saying, "I love you," and doing all these things to show love, but if we tease them in public or make them think we don't respect their decisions or don't trust when they make a choice, they will feel disrespected, and they won't feel loved.

Ok, so women need to be loved, feel loved. And Men need to do that. Well, most men DO love their wives, so it is only a matter of the men learning HOW to show their wives they love them. 

BUT many women do NOT in fact respect OR trust their husbands. So it is not just a matter of learning to communicate a truth to your spouse, but it is a larger matter of that even being the truth!  NEED HELP HERE!!!

we went to some men and asked them how they felt when their wives showed disrespect to them.

Man: When you feel disrespected, again, you're thinking about times, "Well, if she respected me, she would behave differently, or she would not have submarined me in my decision with the kids.

Man: My normal reaction when I do have conflict with her is not feeling respected. Now, that may not be true, you know, it may be that I just heard it wrong or she communicated it a little bit too roughly and the motivation behind what was going on had nothing to do with disrespect, but maybe it's a feeling of insecurity in that area, but I really need to know that Kathy respects me. And so when she may say or do something where I feel that's been violated in some way, it really hurts me deeply.

Man: In parenting issues, where maybe I would have done something differently than the way she did and not being willing to allow me to at least follow through, and so I felt disrespected, not being able to carry out what I thought was right in a situation.

Ok – it may be a misunderstanding both ways.

When men hear women want to feel loved, they think – weekend getaways, five bedroom houses, yachts, etc.  big things.  When really it is the little things – holding hands, remembering how much ice she likes in her drink, etc.

SO. . . for him women hear men want to feel respected and we think – bow down and worship him as a god, everything he says is rule, etc.  Maybe it really is the little things – “I think, for me, the sense of disrespect comes when you –It's just you have this sense that she's thinking, ‘Your ideas are wrong.’ “  IS THAT IT?  They don’t want us to communicate to them that we think their idea is wrong???  Well, that is fairly simple. . .

Bob: I think, for me, the sense of disrespect comes when you – and it's not anything that Mary Ann will say or do. It's just you have this sense that she's thinking, "Your ideas are wrong." There's a certainty that she has about the way she thinks things ought to go, and you feel like, "Well, then, you're just wrong, and I can't even imagine why you would think that way."

Dennis: And, at that point, what I feel is what that one man said – I don't feel trusted.

Shaunti: This is one of the things that women find absolutely flabbergasting, in all honesty. We simply don't get this, because it is, in many cases, in most cases, not the way that we are wired.

I went on a retreat where the speaker demonstrated this so powerfully, and let me tell you the story really briefly.

He basically took 70 people on a singles retreat about relationships. He put us on two different sides of the room. He put all the men on one side of the room and all the women on the other side of the room. I'm going to ask you to choose between two bad feelings and ask you to choose which you would – if you had to – which you would prefer. Would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world or would you rather feel inadequate and disrespected? Okay, both bad feelings – which is the least bad? He turned to the men's side of the room and said, "Men, who here would rather feel alone and unloved?" And every hand went up, and you could hear this giant gasp from the women's side of the room. And he turned to the women and said, "Women, who here would rather feel alone and unloved," and very few women raised their hands. And when he said, "Who here would rather feel inadequate and disrespected, and almost all the women raised their hands, you heard the gasp from the men's side of the room.

And what this retreat speaker was demonstrating is the same thing I found when I asked that question on the survey, which is that, for men, their highest need is not to feel loved and cherished as it is ours. It's to feel respected by us and trusted by us like some of the men in those quotes said. In fact, we can spend so much time trying to show our husbands that we love them, saying, "I love you," and doing all these things to show love, but if we tease them in public or make them think we don't respect their decisions or don't trust when they make a choice, they will feel disrespected, and they won't feel loved. It is absolutely imperative for us women to get this.

Dennis: Yes, and it can happen in such small ways. The other night we were in a grocery store, and I started to pick up something. I don't even remember what it was – Barbara said, "You're not going to get that, are you?"

Shaunti: Yes, as a matter of fact, I was.

Bob: You were getting some kind of chips.

Dennis: I really was. I said, "No, that's a terrible idea. Who would want, in all their lifetimes, to buy one of those?" And I walked away, and I remember thinking at the time, I remember thinking, "I really feel a little disrespected in that" – that my choice of what I wanted to get in the grocery store was either a stupid choice or not a wise choice.

Now all the women are saying “OH FOR PETE’S SAKE!   WHAT is the big deal?? Who cares if anyone likes your choice of chips??”

BUT – when he doesn’t hold your hand on the way from the car to the store, you feel unloved!  And all the guys are saying “OH FOR PETE’S SAKE!! WHAT is the big deal?? Who cares if we hold hands or not?”

Well, apparently the guys care if we approve of their choice of chips.

And apparently all the girls care if the guy holds their hand.

Now is any of that a big deal to the giver?  To approve of the choice of chips, to hold hands?  NO – but it pays big dividends. 

SO. . . make what is important to your mate – important to you!  Make it a big deal!

Shaunti: And this is the thing that our husbands have a really hard time understanding, and I'll say this to all the men out there who are listening. Most of us women, we really, truly do respect the men in our lives, and we have no idea that all day, every day, we're sending these signals to the contrary. My husband, God bless him, he's had to put up with so much from me because I've been sending those signals for years without realizing it, and I bet many of the women out there would be absolutely flabbergasted to know that that is what their husbands often think of them – that they're sending.

. . .we just don't realize that sometimes it's not even what we say, it's how we say it. And whether you're coming at him rapid-fire with all the reasons why he shouldn't do such-and-such, or whether it's just taking a tone that he interprets as being harsh.

Let me give you an example, actually, that I found absolutely – again, flabbergasting. This was a common word that I used in doing this research – I was trying to design the survey. I did a national survey of men, hired a professional survey company, and one of the questions I was designing with a guy who is a professional survey designer, and here is the question I was asking – it was on the subject of romance and whether a man wants to be romantic, and the question I asked was "Do you know how to put together a romantic event that your wife would enjoy?" Okay, to me, that's just a neutral question. The survey designer, this guy, says, "You can't say that because you're starting out in attack mode," and I go, "Huh? Attack mode?" He said, "Yes, you're starting off implying the man is inept." And I'm thinking to myself, "Implying the man is inept, what are you talking about?"

And he suggested just adding a little softening phrase up front – "Suppose you had to plan an anniversary event for your wife" – but when I just started off as "Do you know how" – he said every man is going to interpret that as sort of the implication that you're inept. I realized, "Oh, my goodness, I do this over and over and over with my husband," and most of us women are completely clueless about this.

I AM WITH THIS WOMAN!!  Inept?? HOW does that imply he is inept??  Well – remember, what matters is how your SPOUSE interprets your actions/words. NOT if you think they imply something or not.  For example, he brings you Pepsi, but you like Coke. What is the big deal??  IT IS A BIG DEAL! And we all know it is and we would think “if he loved me, after all these years, he would know what drink I like!”  And then when we complain about the drink he got us he thinks – “she doesn’t respect me.”  And so the cycle goes!!!  She feels unloved, he feels disrespected.

Girls, is it such a big deal to keep your mouth shut?  Can you just say “thank you” for the Coke! You don’t have to drink it. I guarantee he won’t notice!  If he is too out of it to not know you prefer Pepsi, he won’t be observant enough to know if you drink it or not.  And some OTHER time in some other way you might could let him know you prefer Pepsi.  Like instead of saying “get me a drink”, say “Would you please get me a Pepsi?  Coke tastes like salt to me.”  There – you gave him a task he cannot fail at. Men like that!!  That no failure option is sweet!  Now – there are 17 different kinds of Pepsi  BUT you did not specify, so anything he brings you that says Pepsi is a win for him and you are not allowed to complain!  You don’t have to drink it, politely take a sip – then dispose of it later. 

If this bothers you- get your own drink!!

But STOP complaining! 

The Bible says

^{PR 21:9} It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.

Why do you suppose it says that? 

God is telling us right there – how NOT to be!  Nagging, quarrelsome – meaning we quarrel or DISAGREE, and faultfinding. Are you like that?

Ask your hubby if it would bother him if you were in the store and he chose chips and you said, “You aren’t going to get those, are you?”

I bet you will be surprised!  I am going to ask mine today!

I have done these things – taken a polite drink and said “thank you” even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. Just because we are friends and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I never knew it was a respect issue! Lol – I was just being nice like I would to my friends. Isn’t God good? Cuz I was doing the right thing!  And I will tell you we have an awesome relationship and along the lines of the drink, here is a little story from last week!

My favorite drink is Diet Rite, but if I cannot get that I usually get Diet Coke.  Well, lately, I just have not wanted Diet Coke, I have switched to Diet Dr. Pepper – it is just sweeter to me.  So – the other day we got gas and I needed a drink so I asked him to go in and get me a Diet Dr. Pepper. So he did.  The next day when he ran to the dump he sweetly got me a drink at the store when he got ice.  BUT – he got me Diet Dr. Pepper!!! WOW!!  Now how could he switch that fast? It made  me feel so loved!  FIRST – that he “thought of me” (a big thing with us gals!) and second, that he got the exact drink I wanted!  WOWZA!!  Big time points racking up there!

I would have said thank you for the Diet Coke also – remember?  And I might have even drank it. But I was absolutely thrilled with the Diet Dr. Pepper!

(neither store  carries Diet Rite by the way)

“a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.” Pr 19:13

My daughter just read that and said, “that is irritating.”  The drip!  Apparently to men our complaining is that same kind of irritating.  Do you want to be that irritating??  Then stop complaining!

Dennis: I'm going to stop you there, because there will be some women right now who are listening who would say, "Yes, they're just insecure, they need to get over it. They just need to put their pants on one leg at a time" …

Bob: It doesn't sound very manly to me, you know, for a guy who would get all bent out of shape because I asked "Why did you do that?" I mean, that's a simple question. Why is a guy going to – he's just a wimp.

Shaunti: Well, if I can say one of the other things that was such a surprise, because, by the way, really, everything I put in this book is only about things we women don't get about men, and one of the things we really don't get is that a man can walk around looking very confident all day long, but most men are secretly very insecure and, really, what I found from the men that I interviewed is they go through life basically feeling like "I'm really not sure what on earth I'm doing, and somebody is going to find out."

And that feeling, as one man said, it does not stop when I walk through the door at home. In fact, it's almost a little easier at work because at work at least I have some idea of whether I'm doing a good job, you know, I'm getting raises or promotions or good comments from my boss. How do I know whether I'm doing a good job of being a good husband or a good dad? Well, it's the happiness of my wife, it's the happiness of my family. So if my wife is critical all the time or implies that she doesn't trust me regularly or teases me in front of our friends, then all it does is it basically reaffirms the secret feeling I already had about myself, which is I have no idea what I'm doing.

OH WOW!!  Boing! Does that bring it into view for you women??  And I am learning all this too – I was doing a lot right, but not for the right reasons!  God just granted me grace!  If you are unhappy – your husband knows he is a failure.  He doesn’t know what he is doing, and he is doing his job as husband wrong.  If you children are mopey, difficult, and unhappy – he does not know what he is doing as a dad and he is a failure.  Wow.

I had read in a book about a husband wanting his wife to look like a contented cat lying in the sun and how that makes him feel. So I did that – whether I was or not!  But I did not know WHY it made him feel good. Just that it did was enough for me!  The most interesting thing is that when you do that – he then becomes a fantastic husband!  I guess because he is feeling good about what he is doing, so you know how that fuels your desire to learn more and do more – when you are a success at what you are doing.  Like when you cook – if the meal turns out good and everyone is appreciative and praising, then you want to cook more. Conversely, if you cook and people complain about it, then you don’t even want to cook the next day.

Getting this??

Bob: In fact, if my wife says, "You know, this isn't about you, I'm just having a bad day." That doesn't wash with me because if I'm a good husband …

Shaunti: She won't have a bad day.

Bob: I should be able to overcome bad days. I mean, that's a part of what a guy …

Dennis: Her bad days.

Bob: Yes. If she's having a bad day, I should be able to come in and make that magically go away.

Dennis: Rescue her.

Bob: That's right, fix things for her. You know, if Calgon can make your troubles go away, certainly a husband ought to be able to do that, right?

Oh boy! Wow.  So does that mean I can’t ever have a bad day?? I have said to my husband “it’s not always about you” meaning he should not take everytime I am upset as it being his fault! Lol – it works to a degree!  He still does not like it!

Shaunti: That's one of the things, honestly, Bob, that we women have to recognize, and this is one of the things over and over again, as I was interviewing these men, I kept realizing we are just not giving the men in our lives enough credit for the fact that they go through their day with this enormous sense of responsibility and desire to make us happy. So, as some of these men said, "I would run through a brick wall for my wife, I just want to know that I'm doing a good job as a husband and as a dad."

Ok, and here is where I started – most men do love their wives. Many wives genuinely do not respect and/or trust their husbands.  Let’s explore that for a little while:

Shaunti: That's one of the things, honestly, Bob, that we women have to recognize, and this is one of the things over and over again, as I was interviewing these men, I kept realizing we are just not giving the men in our lives enough credit for the fact that they go through their day with this enormous sense of responsibility and desire to make us happy. So, as some of these men said, "I would run through a brick wall for my wife, I just want to know that I'm doing a good job as a husband and as a dad."

I was talking to a man who has a marriage ministry actually called "Love and Respect," and it deals with exactly this issue, and he pointed out something that I heard over and over from men but couldn't quite put my finger on. He said, "You know, we have become such a love-dominated culture that we've come to believe that where love is to be unconditional, respect must be earned." And I realized, "Yes, okay, I'd agree with that." And as I was reading Ephesians 5 and looking at this great passage on marriage, you realize that is a completely unbiblical idea in marriage in that God commands over and over for the husband – love your wife, love your wife unconditionally as Christ loved the church. What does it say over and over to us women – respect your husband, follow his leadership, show him that respect.

Just the same way that we women tend to think, "Well, I'll respect him when he earns it." Would we want our husbands to only love us when we were lovable?

Oy! Now really – we know there are many time when we are NOT lovable – and those, truly, are the times we most NEED their love!  You know I’m right.

So. . .

If this wonderful paradox that God commands each of us to give what the other needs, and what that does is, at least for me, as a woman, when my husband shows me love, even when I'm not particularly lovable that day, it makes me want to be worthy of that. And it's the same thing with our men. When we demonstrate, "You know what? I'm going to choose to respect you. I'm going to choose to trust that decision and not complain about it or question it." It builds him up to want to be the man that God created him to be. It's absolutely a wonderful paradox.

There you go. I am done now.

Go live it.

Dennis: . . . what you're saying to wives – if they'll understand what's going on in their husband's head and heart, and that it's okay for a man to need to be respected and that a wife can, with her attitude, with her actions, and with her words, affirm her husband and say to him, "I'm proud of you."

Shaunti: It's a totally legitimate need. You know what we were talking about before we came into the studio, which I think is really important for us to recognize is I personally think that although there has been a lot of good that's come out of the women's movement, it's given us women this very subtle sense that – you know, we women are really the ones with the interpersonal skills, and so therefore if there is a problem in the relationship, it's probably him and therefore he just needs to learn how to relate better. And what we're really saying is he needs to relate our way as opposed to recognizing what I hear from all these men, which is, in most cases, the way that a guy is wired to relate is totally legitimate. And just the way we want him to move in our direction, to learn how to support and love us the way we need to be loved – we need to suddenly realize, "Wait a minute, why should I not move in his direction to support and love him the way he needs to be loved?"

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read some here the other day - good stuff!!

focusonyourchild.com

yes, it is a division of FOTF

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