One reader from yesterday's post said they were really struggling with implementing the concept of leaving and cleaving. They commented, "[The parents] just don't know when to quit!!! We live 2 hours away from them but its just not far enough...I am really wishing we would have moved. They do not take confrontation well, and I have the hardest time trying to deal with it!" While I can't give specific advice because I don't--and couldn't--know all the details, I can give some general help based out of what I've learned from others and my experience.

When dealing with people, one thing is absolutely certain: conflict will be inevitable. It's amazing how many people haven't figured this out. Whether it's between a man and wife, their children or other family members, it is just something you have to work with. There are at least two things a person needs when dealing with conflict.

The first is discovering the source of the conflict. Is it an issue of power or control, insecurity, an unmet need, or is it something else? There are books with a lot of good advice for discovering these sources of conflict. Ask a pastor or church leader know of a book on the subject. Figuring out what lies at the heart of the conflict will help you understand the motives of that person and give you a chance to understand their point of view. Finding that understanding will help you find the solution.

The second is studying and understanding the methods of handling conflict. Understanding your family's patterns of dealing with conflict will give you some ideas of how to better address the conflict. Marriage and family resources like Family.org can help you find these methods.

Regardless, the last thing you want to do is sit on the problem. Relationships are like nets. If you don't go through often and pick out the debris that they accumulate, soon the nets will be stretched to the breaking point because of all the "little things" that have built up. A piece of debris isn't a big deal, but a net full of debris will rip apart under the stress of further use. Additionally, the habit of retreating into your own world or capitulation to all demands will also make the problem bigger. You can't live life like that.

Above all, when resolving a conflict with another person, it's crucial to speak the truth with love. If they sense that you are out to win the conflict, injure them, or otherwise settle a score, their internal defenses will block everything you have to say, even if you're completely right. Make sure they understand that you value them and your relationship with them, and that it's because you value them that you're taking the time to try to work out the conflict. The opposite of love isn't anger; it's apathy.

Just as another idea, pick a place and time where stress is naturally low, people are in a good mood and you can deal with one thing without the complications of the current environment. Easter, for example, is stressful enough without dealing with conflict. A morning coffee or a Saturday afternoon with the kids at a park or some other non-stressful time is best for keeping things on an even keel. If you are concerned about things getting out of hand, the park, a coffeeshop, or the mall is a good place to meet. People are less likely to go ballistic if they're in a public setting.

I know this all seems sort of basic, but taking a step back and evaluating what is really at the root will help resolve the issue or at least give you an edge in dealing with the situations as they come up.

Finally, unity between you and your spouse is paramount. It's the way you were designed to work...together. Let the conflicts with in-laws drive you closer together, not further apart.

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